I stare out the window and look down, and I feel a peaceful feeling sweep over me. Somehow, when I look at the ground thousands of feet below, I don't feel fearful like so many other people who are afraid of flying. I know it may sound crazy to those of you who fear flying, but for those who share the same thoughts about flying as me, you will understand. When I look out the window at the ground below, everything seems so small and insignificant, and all of a sudden, all the thoughts in my head disappear. All the worries and anxiety I have are gone, at least for the time on the plane, and all I can think of is how small everything is from up here. I guess my problems aren't so bad; I mean when you compare my problems to a lot of other people who really do have problems, you would want to beat the shit out of me for feeling so doomed. I do, after all, have a wonderful family - happily married parents who really are the greatest parents I could ever wish to have, two brothers and three sisters, and even a dog. It's like THE picture of the perfect family. So you may ask; why am I on this airplane? Where am I going and why am I alone? Well, I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Josh, and I have brown hair and blue eyes. I'm about five foot eleven inches, and I have a swimmer's body. I am flying half way across the country to go to college, where I got a scholarship for the swim team. Now why, if I have such a perfect family, would I want to leave them? That is a very complicated question, and something my family just couldn't understand. You see, they wanted me to go to the local university, but I wanted to get away...just escape. I love my family so much; they really are everything to me, and I know they love me just as much, but I felt trapped at home. I need to get out and live, and have the chance to truly be myself. I've known I am gay since I was thirteen. I remember sitting with my friends, and they started talking about girls, and it was like this light bulb went off in my head, and I realized I didn't feel like they did about girls, and, in fact, I was thinking about boys like they were girls. I knew that I couldn't tell anyone, so I played the straight guy role by dating girls throughout high school, and I even hoped that I could learn to like it and 'turn' straight, but, of course, that never happened. I never did come out to anybody - my friends, my parents, nobody. I have always been terrified that someone would find out about me, especially my family, and while I think my family would be ok with it, I don't know that for sure, and the thought of losing my family feels like my heart is being ripped apart. I don't know how I'm gonna tell them. So here I am...an eighteen year old virgin on his way, as far from what I know as my life as I can get, in the hopes that I can be out as gay, and maybe find a boyfriend. I hope it all works out. |