---

"And though I loved the boy for such a little while..."

Steve changed channels again on the TV set, but found only more local news. Another fucking robbery, and the cops once again used their Tasers, even when they didn't know whether or not the suspect was armed. Another poor loser in trouble, and probably unnecessarily. In his mind, Steve began a tirade against all authority. Didn't they care at all about humanity?

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock on his door. Who in hell.....? He wasn't expecting any guests; it was still nearly three hours before Chris was to arrive with the evening meal. So, who the hell was this? At the first knock, Steve decided to ignore it. His cholesterol count was way out of whack for his AIDS status, so he sure as hell didn't want to buy any Girl Scout cookies. A second knock came louder than the first. After the third knock, Steve's curiosity got the better of him, so he gave in and went to the door.

"Saint Peter, is that you? It'd better be you at long last, because if it's not you, then whoever it is go away. Whatever you're selling, I already have some, or I don't need it... or both."

There was a slight pause, then he heard a fourth knock.

"Oh, shit! Wrong guest! Satan? Lucifer? Beelzebub? Old Nick, is that you knocking on my door? You must have the wrong address. Tyler Cummings, the drug dealer, lives two blocks over!"

Then Steve heard a bit of muffled laughter coming through the door from the invader, followed by "Steve...?"

Oh, fuck, Old Nick really does know where I live! Steve said to himself, then called out to his visitor, "Who is it?"

"Can you open up?"

"Not until I see your badge and I.D.!"

"Steve, it's me, Andy... Andy Thompson."

"Andy?"

"Yes."

Steve opened his door no more than a crack, and saw Andy standing there looking bedraggled in a dirty pair of khaki coveralls and cloth hospital slippers. "Jesus Christ! Did you escape from the state asylum?"

"Practically..."

"Well, come on in."

Andy entered.

"OK, so you're here... where's Father Chris? Or did you come early to bring me the antidote for this evening's dinner? Dear God, Andy! How horrible you look! I swear I will never shop at The Gap again, if that's what they sold you. Your outfit... it's not metrosexual, more like extrasexual."

"I... these are the only clothes I could find to put on."

"I didn't know that the Salvation Army had a sub-basement sale going on."

"I... I stole them from a janitor's closet at the hospital."

"Whoa, little guy. The hospital? You'd better sit down and tell me what happened from the start."

"You sure you've got the time, and do you really want to hear it...?"

"Hell, I'd miss "Divorce Court" and "Access Hollywood" both, just to learn how you wound up on my doorstep dressed as you are."

"You're the only person I could think of to come to... I had to go somewhere safe, some place where my parents couldn't find me."

"And you chose my place instead of running off to join the circus! Whoop-de-doo!"

"Steve... I... I tried to kill myself last night on my mom's sleeping pills."

A sharp glance, then in half-belief, half-jest, Steve replied, "And since you didn't get the job done, you decided to come see me and get a handful of my pills? Is that it? God knows, I have dozens of bottles. I don't even know what the fuck half of them are for, or what they're supposed to do, but you're welcome to any, or all of them if you're really serious about killing yourself. I don't think any of them will work though---I think I've tried every combination possible and I'm still here."

"No thanks."

"Good. That's probably the first sensible decision you've made all day. I should be the one attempting suicide, not you. But when a doctor announces your imminent death, suddenly all you want to do is find some way to live a little bit longer. I'm dying from AIDS, so what's your reason for wanting to end your early life... you gotta new case of acne?"

Andy's emotions tuned up to cry. "Steve, I... I'm so tired of feeling lonely."

"Well, you certainly came to the right place. I've always wanted to hang a sign over my front door saying 'Heartbreak Hotel' or 'Abandon hope all ye that enter here!"

"I... I'm serious, Steve." And his sobbing deepened.

"Hey, hey. I'm sorry for making light of your dilemma. It's just that I was where you are when I was about your age. I was lonely, too... hell, I've been lonely all my life."

"Yes, but I'd be willing to bet you weren't still a virgin when you were my age, were you?"

"A touch, a touch, I do confess it! I'm afraid you've got me on that one. I thought the new thing among today's youth was to pledge celibacy until one gets married."

"What if you're never gonna get married? How long do you have to wait, then?"

"I know that my past and my reputation are pretty well known, Andy. You probably know more about me than I'll ever know about you, so pardon my being blunt if I state things you're probably already aware of. I'm gay. I'm a cock sucker. I sucked my first cock when I was twelve. Since then, I've probably had more dicks in my mouth than there are bricks in the Great Wall of China... and look where cock sucking got me!"

"Yeah, but what if you think you're gay and you've never even touched a... a penis, other than your own?"

"At least you don't have HIV or AIDS!"

"Maybe not, but tonight I did try to die..."

"What? Andy, listen to me. Have you ever taken a good look at yourself? I mean, a good look?"

"Yeah, and I hate what I see."

"Why, for Christ's sake? You're a good-looking kid, and since I used to be a size queen, I can tell you I've noticed that big bulge in your jeans when you stop by every evening with my food. Without first-hand knowledge, I'd say you have a pretty good-sized dick swinging between your legs. Don't try to convince me that some other gay young man your age haven't noticed it as I have."

"What am I supposed to do? Whip it out and walk down the hall at school advertising...?"

"Hell, no! The hidden cock is always much sexier than the one that is displayed. You mean, in all your life, you've never had a crush and did something about it?"

"I... I've had crushes, but I was always afraid to make the first move, so I shied away."

"Jesus! If I were still a high school senior and saw you coming down the hall, I'd shove you into the nearest bathroom and go to work on you good and proper!"

"You... you mean you find me attractive?"

"Hey, I'm not dead yet, Andy. I find you damned attractive, even in those god-awful clothes you're wearing. Look, I'd bet my front-row seat in hell that you are about the same size that Mark was. Why don't you go into his closet and find something else to put on? You'll find clean, folded underwear and fresh socks in his dresser, and all kinds of jeans, shirts, and shoes in his closet."

"You think I should?"

"You're not afraid of wearing a dead guy's clothes, are you?"

"I don't think so..."

"Then go into his bedroom there, grab a shower, and change into something clean! When you come back, you can sit down and tell me the long version of your overdose episode."

"You... you won't call anyone and tell them I'm here, will you?"

"If you want to hide, this is the best place I know. You don't want anyone to see you? Shit, no one comes here at all---ever. Neither you nor I are breaking the law. I'm not harboring a fugitive---or am I? I realize you stole those clothes you're wearing, but I defy any law officer to arrest you for stealing those! God, they look like they're full of bugs or germs. Go take them off or I won't be able to eat a bite of that delicious garbage that Father Chris is supposed to bring me."

"Steve, I don't want Father Chris to know I'm here. I...I'll hide in the bathroom or some place, if I'm still here when he gets here."

"You're hiding from your parents and running from God at the same time? You must've had a really good reason for taking those pills! I can't wait to hear about it! No, Andy, I won't say a word to Father Chris or anyone else! I promise."

"Thanks, Steve!"

Andy went into Mark's room to change clothes, leaving Steve alone with his curiosity ...and a feeling of longing. But Andy's virginity was totally safe here----dammit! That was just one more tragic consequence that comes with AIDS. Damn, if he weren't sick...what a 'catch' Andy would be! Now Steve was truly puzzled. If Andy was gay, as he claims to be, why on God's earth couldn't he find a partner? Andy had everything going for him...good looks, intelligence, an ability to care for others...who wouldn't want Andy for a lover? Steve suddenly found his eyes welling up with tears. His own loneliness had brought him to this low point, and yet he could still think of helping someone else? Maybe he wasn't all bad, after all....

* * *

Sitting side by side at the church's kitchen table, Thad was still talking to Chris trying to learn what had caused Chris to lock himself in this room refusing admittance to them for so long a time, when David came back toward them with a bottle in his hand.

"I found this whiskey in one of the cupboards over there, Thad!" David said.

"Chris, let me pour you a shot! David, any glasses?"

"Thanks, Thad, but I don't want a drink. I've got work to do..." Chris replied.

"Can't you at least give David and me a clue as to what's wrong? I've never seen you this way. You're always the solid rock everyone can depend on."

"Thad, I really can't talk about it..."

"Did someone die? Did you get bad news about Andy? Did something happen to Father 'D'? Come on, buddy, give us a hint..."

"Chris, is there anything Thad and I can do to help?" David inquired, his concern sounding in his voice..

"I... I might need some help with the evening meal."

"Chris, I know that Andy is missing, but what about the other two... Jeff and Tommy?" Thad asked.

"They... neither of them will be able to help for a while," Chris replied.

"...and you're expected to do all the cooking and delivering by yourself?"

"If it's gonna get done, I am."

"Then for God's sake, let me and David help you tonight. We're both free for the evening. I'm not planning on going to work."

"That would be great if you would, but I can't really ask you two to..."

"Bullshit! I used to cook for my platoon in the Marines. I'm an old hand at peeling, boiling, frying---you name it!"

"And I cooked for myself nearly every night in the dorm. I can help too," David added.

"All right, let me get my head together and we'll plan a menu. In the meantime, if one of you could fill those large pots hanging above your head with water and get them to boiling on the stove."

"Hell, let me at 'em. I'll fill 'em up and carry them while David does something else."

"Sure. Where do you want me to start?" David asked.

"Can you make a big tossed salad... big enough for a lot of people?

"That's easy enough."

"There's heads of lettuce, tomatoes, and scallions in the fridge over there. The knives are in the drawer of that counter over by the sink." The fact that he had something to do seemed to ease the pain inflicted on the priest.

David and Thad hurriedly began preparing the 'five loaves and two fishes' to feed the evening multitude. They were eyeing one another while sneaking glances at Chris trying to assess his demeanor, but all the while, each was dying of curiosity over what had upset Chris.

An hour later, the quick meal was prepared and ready for delivery. David and Thad were rightfully proud of their culinary accomplishments, and Chris was almost in tears again trying to express his gratitude to them for their help. After they carried the food out to the big van and had piled into the front seat to start the evening run, Chris tried again to express his thanks, saying, "Thad, David, I don't know how to thank you..."

"Will you shut up and drive?" Thad said. "I don't want any of your clients dying from starvation while we sit and pat one another on the back."

"Chris?" David asked. "Are you gonna need help with breakfast in the morning?"

"Yes, but I can't..."

"Fuck that!" David said. "You can, and you damned sure will. I'll be more than happy to help you."

Chris started the van, and off they went toward the first delivery on the address list.

"Chris, are you gonna tell us why Tommy and Jeff aren't helping you?"

"I... I can't," he replied.

"Pal, I'd hate to have you stop this car while I pistol whip you like you were some drug dealer. But you're gonna force my hand, if you don't tell David and me something!"

"All right. This is among friends... just the three of us, not as priest and parishioners. Sorry, David, I know I'm not your priest, but... I'm afraid I've been accused of what so many other priests are being hauled up for."

"Molestation? You?" Thad shouted. "That's a big load of horseshit! Who on God's lavender earth would ever accuse you of that?"

"That I can't tell you, but I've been given orders by Father 'D' not to let Tommy or Jeff help me until this matter has been cleared up."

"Chris," David spoke up quietly, yet surely, "this has something to do with Andy's disappearance, doesn't it?"

"I can't answer that either."

"So, it does have to do with Andy's disappearance!" Thad said loudly. "Did he accuse you of something, then run away and hide, leaving you to suffer the consequence?"

"No, no, nothing like that!"

"Then I'd like to know where the fuck Andy is?"

"No one knows. He still hasn't been seen or heard from since he vanished from the hospital."

"Chris, I know damned well you'd never do anything to any kid, but how did Father 'D' get the idea that you had?"

"Thad, that's something I'm not at liberty to discuss."

"Look, Chris, I'm a detective, remember? The more I know, the easier it's gonna be for me to find him and get to the bottom of this."

"OK, but you didn't hear this... any of it... from me! Andy's parents found his diary in which he had written descriptive passages about him and me doing all kinds of wild sexual things."

"Good God! I don't believe this!"

"Neither do I, but I read them. They were in Andy's own handwriting. He said things I could never even fantasize about, not even before I took my vows."

"Did he ever say anything like this to you personally?"

"Not before last night, when I took him home after the evening run."

"Why? What did he say?"

"Only that he might be in love with me."

"Jesus! What did you say?"

"Nothing. Well, I told him that it was impossible for anything to ever happen between us, and he should pray about it and try to forget it."

"Then he went inside his house and overdosed? Is that what happened?"

"Apparently."

"That little bugger!"

"He told me how he felt and I... I rejected him."

"Chris, you didn't ever give him any reason to think there was something more between the two of you, did you?"

"No, never! Whatever he thought, or whatever he believed, he made up in his head. I had no inkling he felt as he did."

"I'm sure when he shows up... and he will show up... we can straighten all this out. I mean..."

"Thad, I just wish to God he would show up, and soon. I'm really worried about him. I mean, he attempted suicide last night... and being all alone... wherever he is, who knows what he might do next?"

"Chris, since we're talking as friends and not on a professional basis, do you mind if I ask you something personal..."

"If it's not too personal, Thad."

"Suppose you weren't a priest, suppose you were... I don't know, an accountant maybe, or a computer technician. Would you find Andy attractive?"

"I don't know. I never thought about it... but maybe..."

"I mean, there's only seven or eight years difference in your ages. You told me once about your life before you became a priest. Hell, I'm gay and I wish the whole world was. Of course, the Republicans would have a fit since there would be no more abortions for them to scream and holler about. Do you think you could ever have fallen in love with an eighteen year old, if things were under different circumstances?"

"I... I'm afraid I can't answer that, Thad; since I no longer allow myself to feel as I used to before I became a priest."

"But I'm saying if you weren't a priest... then what?"

"I don't know... maybe."

"Then maybe Andy got the same idea in his head and received some kind of false vibe from you..."

"You mean you think that Andy thought that I was secretly interested in him?"

"It makes sense, don't you think?"

"I guess so. Yes, probably."

"Then I'm gonna find him... if it takes me all night and I have to comb every square foot of Atlanta."

"I just pray to God that Andy's safe. That's all I care about."

The car arrived at the next meal stop and the three would-be 'wise men' got out of the van bearing their gifts of life to the helpless.

* * *

When Andy had finished giving his blow-by-blow description of his last meeting with Chris, his suicide attempt, and his escape from the hospital, Steve sat looking at him in shock. "You actually told Father Chris that you loved him?"

"Stupid, wasn't it?" Andy replied

"It must've been. Why else would you have gone inside your house and take the whole bottle of your mom's sleeping pills?"

"I was a fucking idiot!"

"To say the least," Steve concurred. "Well, I must say you do have good taste when it comes to picking out a boyfriend... but Father Chris? Andy, it would have been easier if you had chosen Prince William or Osama bin Laden than to try to get a priest to return your love in kind."

"It's okay to fantasize, isn't it?"

"As long as your fantasy doesn't cross over into reality and affect the lives of others. Still, I admire your fortitude... Father Chris would make a mighty fine catch, if he ever decided to turn his collar around."

"Steve, you won't say anything to anyone about what I told you?"

"Honey, my lips are sealed until I go to meet my maker... or his maker."

"Thanks."

"Andy, I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me what you did. It means a lot. It sorta makes an old queen feel important just one more time. From what you've said, you have a lot stored up, but no one to discuss it with. Is there anything you want to ask me about? When it comes to gay life, I guess I've 'been there/done that' on nearly every imaginable topic."

"I... I know I'm gay, even if I've never had sex. Most guys at my high school have been getting blow jobs, usually from girls, since they were twelve years old. At my age, when I've done absolutely nothing, I'm almost too embarrassed to have sex. I feel I'm the only eighteen year old who hasn't experienced sex of any kind."

"Yeah, I was kinda shocked when I heard about twelve-year-old kids going to rainbow parties. Only a few years ago, most guys or girls never had sex till their wedding night... if you can believe that. But the kids in your generation have 'done it all' by the time they're sixteen. There's nothing to look forward to, just more of the same. My theory is this is the reason for such an increase in bisexuality. The guys have fucked every available orifice in their girlfriends, and have become disenchanted or disappointed with it. That's why they're willing to try sex with another guy... anything new or novel... something they know very little about. I stay home all day and watch "Oprah" and "Dr. Phil," and laugh out loud when these housewives come on the talk shows and express their horror at the fact that their husbands are cheating on them... with other men! It doesn't surprise me in the least."

"Steve? My first time? When, and if it happens?"

"Yes?"

"Can you give me a few tips?"

"Dozens! But the one you should burn into your brain permanently is use a condom. When the HIV and AIDS scare first came on the scene, everyone started using condoms and sticking to safe sex. Now kids and even adults think that the AIDS epidemic has vanished the way polio did with the Salk vaccine. Take a look at me, Steve! Don't you think I want to live a long life? Do you think I look forward to dying when I should be planning the rest of my life, not my funeral?"

"Oh, God, I'm sorry you're sick, Steve."

"It's my own goddamned fault. I was old enough to have sex and should have been old enough to pay attention to the warnings about the danger of unsafe sex. Sex is beautiful, and making love is even more beautiful! But being careless just one time is all it took to end my happy life forever. Andy, promise me that when you have your first partner, you won't do anything until both of you prove that you know what you're about to do, and that you both know the safe way of doing it. Will you do that for me?"

"Yes, Steve. I will, I promise.'

"Then all the rest I have to tell you is, if you're safe... if it feels good, no matter what… and if you and your partner agree to do it… then do it! But if it hurts, and either you or your partner don't want to do something, then don't do it. Don't force yourself or him to do anything you or he doesn't want to do. Try not to just 'have sex'... make love... long, drawn out love... enjoy every minute of it... make it last. That's the best advice I can give you."

"I know this is insane to even ask, but... about Father Chris? Should I just forget about that and write it off as a lost cause?"

"Seriously, I think you should talk to him about it. Who knows, he might need someone in his life as you do in yours... and his soul might be tormented wanting the same thing you do... but if he still says 'no,' then look elsewhere. Someone out there is looking for you, just as you're looking for him...and once you've found him...as the song says, "… build your world around him."

"Do you think I've got enough to offer anyone... enough for him to fall in love with me?"

"Andy, if I weren't sick, you'd be at the top of my list!"

"You... you mean that?" His voice showing his disbelief.

"I'm too old, too sick, and too damn tired to begin lying at my age, or in my condition."

"Steve... would you hold me?"

"You're not afraid?"

"Of what?"

"Of catching whatever the hell it is that I've got?"

"No..."

"Then come here, little man. I need someone to hold. It's been so long..."

Andy rushed into Steve's arms, and they held each other tightly. In one brief moment, Andy forgot all about his emotional pain and all he'd gone through during the past night and day, letting all his anguish out in his tears. Steve, on the other hand, in a rush of emotional recall of how wonderful things used to be, cradled Andy tenderly and protectively in his arms as he eased the young man's tortured pain.

* * *

The evening meal run had gone faster than usual, which was a bit amazing since Chris' new helpers, David and Thad, were first-time assistants. Chris had made a few adjustments on the route to make certain that tonight, Steve's would be the end of the line since the three of them wanted to spend a little extra time with Steve. Some of the earlier meal clients hadn't been home for various reasons---some were out, one had had to be rushed unexpectedly to the hospital---so there were some plates of food left over. Chris thought it might be nice if he, David, and Thad took three of the undistributed meals and ate with Steve, since none of the three had eaten a bite of dinner, and Steve undoubtedly could use a little company.

As soon as Steve and Andy heard Chris' knock on Steve's door, Andy made a dash to Mark's old room and hid in the closet as he was still on the lam, so to speak. When Steve learned that the three 'delivery boys' were going to join him for dinner, he was delighted and made a sarcastic quip that the food must be safe, and for a change edible, if Chris, David, and Thad were going to eat the same poisoned, putrid cuisine as he. Steve did feel a bit guilty about eating, knowing that Andy was in the next room and probably more hungry than any of the four of them.

"David, you had four calls from Brutus, Cassius, Judas, and Benedict Arnold, all in the guise of Randy Carpenter," Steve said.

"Oh? Randy tried to reach me here?"

"He didn't know where else to call."

"Did he give you any idea of what he wanted?"

"No, because very frankly, I didn't want to talk with him any longer than necessary... the betraying cunt!"

"Steve, I had a long talk with Randy, and I think you and a lot of Mark's friends aren't aware of what really happened to cause the two of them to split up."

"Oh, I'll bet he told you a whopper!"

"Wanna know the truth? I believed him, Steve."

"That's because you don't know him as well as the rest of us do."

"Did he leave a number for me to call?"

"Yes, it's on that piece of toilet paper by the phone. Don't ask me about what might appear to be brown ink! That's all a message from Randy deserves... toilet tissue and a mysterious brown ink---my laser printer was on the fritz!"

"Could I use your phone to call him?"

"Sure! And when you have him on the line, if you hand me the phone, there's a few things I'd like to call him as well."

David jotted down the number, then dialed it. It was answered on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Randy?"

"Oh, hi, David! I suppose you're at Steve's or you just left there, otherwise, you wouldn't have known that I was trying to reach you."

"What's up?"

"Well apparently, your Jenny got my number from her caller I.D. when you phoned her from here, and she in turn gave my number to some guy who's called nearly a dozen times trying to reach you."

"Did he leave his name and phone number?"

"Yes. He was calling from Virginia, and his name is Luke Sparks. Do you know him?"

"I... I used to. Luke was a friend of Mark's."

"I guess then that's why he's trying to get in touch with you, to ask about your brother."

"I suppose I'd better give him a call to see what's what..."

"David, have you got a place to sleep tonight? I mean, did you check into a hotel, or are you gonna spend another night with Dirty Harry Callahan?"

"I haven't decided."

"Look, it's pretty late to be checking into a hotel. If you like, my spare bedroom with the deadbolt on the door is still vacant, and it's much cheaper than any other place you might want to stay."

"Can I call you later?"

"Sure..."

"On second thought, do you have plans for tomorrow morning?"

"No, why?"

"I mean like very early tomorrow morning?"

"I might still be up jerking off thinking about you... but you say very early tomorrow. What do you have in mind?"

"Father Chris is short of help with his food delivery service. How would you feel about volunteering a bit of your time to help him?"

"Will you be there?"

"Sure. Thad and I worked the evening shift, but Thad will probably go back to work tomorrow morning, which'll leave Chris one helper short, plus I'll need some transportation to get to the church."

"How early is 'early'?"

"Say, three... three-thirty a.m."

"Jesus Christ! I'd better write a new set of lyrics to "What I Did For Love!" But yeah, sure! I'll help. It might help erase part of the bad image a lot of guys have about me."

"In that case, if your spare room is still available for me... with no strings or expectations attached, it'll be better if I spend the night at your place, so we can drive to meet Chris together in the morning."

"Do you want me to come get you now, or will Thad or Father Chris bring you?"

"Yesterday you picked me up at Thad's. Could you pick me up there in about two hours?"

"Mi limousina es su limousina," Randy replied with his best Ricky Ricardo imitation. "I'll see you there."

"Thanks, Randy!"

He hung up and turned to see three faces filled with disbelief.

tbc...