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"And if you knew him, you would understand just why, By the time midnight had come and gone, Thad's anxiety over waiting to hear from David had turned into a nervous rage. Although he would never admit it, even to himself, part of his restless fury was based more than just a little on jealousy. If anything sexual had transpired between David and Randy, Randy had better beware. Several times, Thad stormed outside, pacing around the apartment's parking lot before going back into his apartment … each time slamming the door a bit harder than the time before. Coming back inside for the eighth or ninth time - but who was counting? Thad accidentally stumbled over an ottoman in front of his one and only living room chair. He cursed the ottoman, picked it up, walked outside with it, and threw the shabby piece of furniture into the dumpster. This action gave him an emotional release ... well, at least one of satisfaction. He walked back up the stairs and looked around his living room. "What a fucking dump this is!" Thad exclaimed out loud. "God damn! This place looks like a rat hole! Why the fuck would David want to come here ... or anyone else for that matter!" Suddenly, remembering the rush he had just experienced when he threw away the ottoman, he got an incentive to do some radical house cleaning. He began moving and juggling everything in sight down the stairs toward the dumpster ... lamps, curtains, tables, chairs, night stands, the dirty piece of carpet on the living room floor - everything! He struggled with the divan and the dresser in the bedroom, but successfully he succeeded. Two hours later, the only thing left in his entire apartment was his prize, his queen size mattress. Everything else had been moved outside to the trash. Before reentering his apartment from the last trip, he gave one final look at the piece of living room furniture that had incited his anger ... and at everything which now surrounded it, and jokingly called himself 'the ottoman umpire'! The next thing he did was call his bank to check on his savings and checking account balances. He punched in his Social Security number on the phone pad, entered his pass code and waited for the automatic teller to reveal his total cash assets. He was in total shock to learn he had accumulated over sixty-two-thousand dollars! Well, he never went anywhere that might have minimized his funds. OK ... tomorrow he would use some of his savings to buy new furniture and decorate his apartment in a way that would allow for decent living. God, how could he have sunken so low? How could he ever expect to meet someone and impress him with that collection of filth and crud that Thad had learned to call a home? Since he'd moved into the apartment several years ago, he couldn't remember ever sweeping or vacuuming! He'd had many sexual partners, but never once brought any of them home with him, except Alex ... and no wonder!!! He was totally aware of the reason for this epiphany - David. David was the kind of person Thad wanted in his life. Hell, not just the kind of person, but the person himself. Having met David, Thad suddenly realized that fact, and if it cost him his last cent, he was turning over a new leaf and living in a bit of luxury with more to show the world than merely a new mattress. It was his own damned fault, and he knew it. Hell, he should've known it long ago, but something had happened to him while waiting for David to return ... something drastic! For the first time ever, Thad felt loneliness and realized what that loneliness had cost him. He finally understood the meaning of 'alone.` There was no one and nothing in his life except his job and the dirty vagrants who inhabited his world, them and the petty thieves and drug hustlers whom he arrested nightly. Lying in bed the night before with David at his side had caused Thad to realize what was missing in his life ... a companion, someone to share his life and all the hours between 5:00 p.m. and midnight. Hours that had become almost unbearable for Thad. Christ! Why couldn't he have felt this way with Alex ... or even two years ago when he first met Mark? Thad was also supremely aware of his incompetence as a decorator. Could he fix up his place in one day and have it look enticing or at least presentable? If David came by to pick up his luggage, would David be impressed? Thad wanted everything to match ... furniture, drapes, carpet, light fixtures - everything. Thad had never denied to himself that he was gay, but suddenly he wished he had just a little bit more of 'faggot' in him. Hell, all the tricks' homes he'd visited were nicely furnished. Of course, he'd almost failed the color blindness test at the police academy and could barely tell blue from green from gray. He needed help ... badly and quickly. He rummaged through the Yellow Pages of the telephone directory for furniture stores … stores that would deliver in one day. He began with the A's and was going through the C's when he finally saw Curry Furniture Store. It belonged to Tim Curry, a guy about his age with whom he'd tricked many times. Tim could help him make his selections with good taste, and he could be sure everything would match. The ad in the directory said that the store opened at nine o'clock. That was a little over five hours, and Thad was determined to be at the front door of Curry's when it opened. With a little finagling or bamboozling, even threats, Tim could probably have everything delivered by noon. And by three o'clock ... oh, shit! The walls! The fucking walls needed painting! The whole place, including the bathroom and kitchen fixtures, had to be cleaned! Well, Tim would just have to arrange to have the painting and cleaning done by mid-afternoon, no matter the fucking cost! If he had to spend his entire bankroll, then so be it! Thad's place would look like a mansion, at least in his eyes. Then let David come back and reassess his feelings for Thad. Yes, things would be different later that afternoon … just wait! * * * As they arrived at the church for their chores connected with the breakfast run, Jeff and Tommy were unusually chipper that morning. From time to time, they'd catch each other's eye, and they'd both break out giggling. Chris, however, was oblivious to all their merriment. He was reliving the Andy episode in his mind over and over. When their light-hearted behavior finally intruded on his depression, he still forced himself to not too get curious about their mirth. He assumed they'd had a fun night together in bed; perhaps they'd discovered something new they could try. He was very familiar with the look in their eyes as they tried to hide the fact that something wonderful had happened to them. He could remember experiencing many sexually adventurous evenings he'd lived through when he was about their age. The breakfast preparation was almost finished before Jeff suddenly realized that Andy hadn't arrived yet. "Did Andy call in sick, Father?" Jeff asked. "Oh? Didn't I tell you?" Chris replied off-handedly, "Andy's mother called to say he wouldn't be in to help this morning or this evening. I'm not sure what he ate after I took him home last night, but his mother said he developed some kind of food poisoning or virus ... or something to that effect, and she and Mr. Thompson had taken Andy to the emergency room early this morning. He might even have to stay in the hospital for a few days until he feels better." He'd worried all morning about what to tell them. Jeff and Tommy looked concerned, but they had no reason not to believe the story Chris had invented. "Jeff, do you know if Andy had any tests scheduled at school today? You know Mrs. Brubaker; she's famous for her pop quizzes." "Idiot!" Jeff replied, "Why would Andy care about missing school over a pop quiz? And anyway, you can't study for them, dummy---that's why they're called pop quizzes. She just pops one on you. Now, if he knew that Mr. Bates was planning a Physics test … that could've made Andy sick. That'd make anyone sick! Even when you study for one of his tests, it's darned near impossible to get a passing grade." "Look, jerk, didn't you hear what Father said? Andy DID get sick? Not everyone fakes an illness to miss a test - like a someone I know." "Shoot! You stayed home with me that day, and you didn't even have an exam scheduled." "Well, you were pretty happy that I stayed home, weren't you?" Tommy said, much too quickly and without thinking. Tommy knew that Father Chris was fast on the uptake, and wondered if the priest might have caught the suggested meaning in the remark. The last thing either Jeff or Tommy wanted was for Father Chris to know about their relationship, even though they both suspected that Chris already knew. Chris did know, but felt this was not the time to confront them with it. Maybe there would never be a right time to talk to them about being gay. Hell, they're young. They're in love! Why spoil it? "Do you think we should stop by after school and visit him at the hospital?" Jeff asked. "Probably not, Jeff... there's still a chance he might be discharged to go home this morning, and a trip to the hospital would be needless." After a moment's hesitation, Chris asked, "Boys, if I ask you a question about Andy, can we just keep it between us three?" "Sure, Father," Jeff said. "Sure," Tommy echoed. "Besides the two of you, does Andy have any friends? Y'know, close friends, or even casual acquaintances - either boys or girls?" "I don't think he has, Father," Tommy replied after thinking a moment. "Me either," said Jeff. "We're about the only ones he hangs out with. I guess we're his only friends ... except you of course. You know Andy really likes you." "Yeah," Tommy added, "he likes you even better than he likes us." "Oh? Why do you say that?" Chris asked, trying not to delve into the matter too obviously. "Andy's never come right out and said anything, but Jeff and I are always kidding him about being queer for you!" "Tommy, I don't think that's the kind of thing you should kid a guy about, even if it were true. He's rather sensitive ... which I'm sure both of you have noticed." "Aw, he knows we're only joking, Father. We just like to see him riled up. It's a way of getting under his skin. Andy's face always gets bright red when he gets mad." "There's also another reason, guys ... a big one, why you shouldn't say things like that to Andy, or to anyone for that matter," Chris continued. "What if someone besides Andy heard you and that person didn't know you were kidding, and started wondering about all the time I spend with Andy and you guys? Andy's reputation could be at stake. And priests' personal lives are being carefully scrutinized all over the world, not just here in the United States." "I guess we didn't think of that, Father. I ... or rather, we're sorry, and we promise not to do it again." "But now that you mention it, I'm curious - has Andy ever given either of you any reason to think that he really might be gay?" "Not really, but he never talks to girls at school; so, Jeff and I figured he felt like we ... damn, what am I saying?" "Let me assure you - both of you - I don't believe that Andy is gay." "How can you be so certain?" Tommy asked. "Well, do both of you tell me everything in confession?" Tommy and Jeff immediately glanced at each other, their faces flushed, and each got a sinking feeling in his abdomen that they both knew was guilt. "Well, sure ... of course we do!" Jeff said too emphatically, trying to cover his lie. "Yeah, I do! Don't you, Jeff?" "I just said I did! What's the matter? You got a fart in your ear?" "Then without revealing anything confidential, that's how I know Andy isn't gay." Chris said smiling, and hoping he wouldn't regret his statement later. "Yeah, I guess you'd know, wouldn't you, Father!" Jeff replied. "I mean, if anything, y'know, anything queer was going on between Tommy and me, you'd know about that too ... wouldn't you?" Jeff was fishing. "Since neither of you have ever confessed anything along that line, I have to take your honest word by what you say to me in the confessional booth." Chris didn't say anything further, but gave the boys an overly innocent, though questioning look, which made each of them squirm inwardly. Then he turned to finish cooking the scrambled eggs and turkey bacon, before dishing them out onto individual paper plates. * * * Andy lay on his bed in the sterile, impersonal hospital room wishing his suicide attempt had been successful. To him, at this moment, facing death would be a lot easier than facing life - now, life for him would be much worse. His failures would be compounded if word got out at school about his 'accident.' The police had probably already stopped by to get a report on his apparent episode attempt. He couldn't understand the reason for the 'rightness' of the law? If he'd died, everyone would have pitied him; they'd have cried at his funeral and made long speeches about what a wonderful kid he was, but no! One too few pills, a badly aimed gun to the head, or a wrist not cut deeply enough … any attempt that failed to end one's own life, and all of a sudden you have a police record, almost as if you'd committed a crime or a felony. A 'failed' suicide try could lead to long therapy sessions, to being watched constantly by one's family and friends, in case they needed to deter a second attempt. To one's peers, that unsuccessful attempt meant you were mentally unbalanced, and was often the reason to be ostracized socially. 'Why the fuck did my mom and dad have to find me?' Andy asked himself over and over. 'Why didn't I just die before the paramedics arrived?' Then it hit him hard-- 'What must Father Chris think of me now? I almost committed a sin against the Church!' 'What kind of explanation could he give to his parents or to Father Chris? And what about Jeff and Tommy once they'd heard of his near death endeavor? What would he tell them?' Andy wanted to die now more than ever, rather than have to face everyone and have to go on living under these new circumstances. After Father Chris left Andy's bedside at the hospital the previous night, Marcia and Todd had come rushing into the cubicle to hold their son, crying and declaring their love for him. Andy's whole body tensed as he awaited the inevitable question, "Why son, why? Are you having trouble in school? Did someone hurt you? Or is it something we've done? Are you physically ill or depressed? Is there something bothering you? What can we do to help?" The endless questions with no good answers - none that he dared to voice aloud to anyone anyway. 'Jesus! Why can't they just shut up and leave me alone?' was Andy's response to all of the expected queries, although he didn't verbalize it. "Mom, Dad, I'm awfully tired. If they'll let me go home now, please just take me. If I have to spend the night here in the hospital, could you please just go home and let me get some sleep?" Andy asked his parents. "Of course, son," Marcia replied. "We just thank God you're all right! We just want you to know that we love you, and we'll always be here for you." "Thanks, Mom. Now would you please leave?" "Sure, dear. I'm sure things will be better in the morning after we all get some sleep. If you like, I'll call Father Chris and ask if he'll stop by after the breakfast run to pay you a visit." "No, Mom! I don't want to see Father Chris, and I don't want to work with the Buddy Buggy meal program any more. The way I'm feeling right now, I never want to go to church again." Andy's startling words alarmed his father, but he felt that Andy was saying things which he wouldn't mean later, so he tried to disregard Andy's words as he put his arm around Marcia and said, "Come on, honey, let's go home and let Andy have some peace and quiet." "Thanks, Dad..." Andy muttered. "We'll see you tomorrow ... OK?" "Yeah..." Marcia and Todd left the cubicle and went out to the anteroom, heading toward the hospital parking lot, but were stopped by two young policemen. "Mr. and Mrs. Thompson?" one of the policemen asked. "Yes?" "I'm Officer Manis, and this is my partner Officer Blane. Would you mind answering a few questions concerning your son's incident tonight?" "Is it necessary? Now?" Marcia asked. "Yes, ma'am, I'm sorry." Officer Manis said. "We have to make a report whenever something like this happens." "Oh, all right ..." Marcia replied, surrendering and sitting down as Todd joined her. The police interview began with the obvious 'fill-in-the-blank' questions ... name, address, age, and so on, including any prior arrests or police reported episodes. Then Officer Manis continued, "Now, could you please tell us how your son appeared to be just before he ... did what he did?" The policeman was reticent to use the term 'suicide.' "My son does volunteer work at our church. He helps deliver free meals in the mornings and evenings to those less fortunate. He came home as usual around seven-thirty or seven-forty-five..." "Did he drive himself home, ma'am?" "Oh, no! Father Chris, our assistant rector at the church, always drives him home." "Ma'am, did your son seem to have anything troubling him? Perhaps he and your priest had a quarrel or conflict earlier?" "Heavens, no! My son adores Father Chris ... we all do!" "Sorry, ma'am, it's just that there's so many stories on the news about priests these days ... priests and young men, if you know what I'm talking about..." "I'm afraid I do, and I'm a bit offended that you would ask such a question." "Sorry, ma'am, I'm just doing my job." Marcia continued answering the police questions, but Todd's mind seized on the inquiry about Father Chris and his son. Why had Andy declared that he didn't want to work with the meal service any longer? Why did he say he didn't want to see Father Chris ... and why had he expressed his desire to quit going to church? Todd's head was filled with questions of a dark nature as he blocked out Marcia and Officer Manis' voices. Was something unethical, something improper going on between Andy and Father Chris ... something that might explain his son's suicide attempt? Finally, the two young officers had enough details to complete the required report, and Marcia and Todd were finally free to go home to try to sleep through the remainder of the long night. Todd realized he would never get through an entire day's work with little or no rest, plus the added stress factor of Andy's episode, so he decided to stay awake until he could call in sick at work. Surely, no one at his office knew about Andy, but without Andy's explanation of his action, whatever Todd said to anyone would be made-up or unfounded. On the way home from the hospital, Todd tried to casually start up a discussion with his wife concerning the Andy/Father Chris situation, since Todd wasn't ready to erase the sordid thoughts from his mind. There was some unknown reason behind Andy's attempt, and bringing up the subject was as good a way as any to feel the subject out he thought. "Honey?" "Yes?" "When the officer asked you about the relationship between Andy and Father Chris, you dismissed the idea immediately that something of a private nature was occurring between them?" "Of course, Todd. Even the thought of anything out of the ordinary going on between our son and our priest is absolute nonsense." "But just suppose it isn't nonsense? I mean, most of the cases you hear about on the news, or in the media about priests and young men, or boys, concern priests who are loved by the victim's family. Where no one ever had any reason to think anything was going on. It's always the 'kindly priest,' who's respected by all his parishioners that's found guilty." "Todd, no matter what you say, I will not believe that about Father Chris - and definitely not about our son." "All right, then let me ask you this, if you were single and about Andy's age, and of course you as a female, would you find Father Chris attractive? I mean, if he weren't a priest?" "Do you mean, do I find him good looking and sexy? Then the answer is definitely 'yes'!" "Now, suppose Andy's gay..." "Todd, stop this. Our son is not gay..." "But just suppose he was? Do you think he would find Father Chris attractive?" She turned abruptly to her husband, saying, "I could ask you the very same question, Todd, because I think all women, and most men, gay or otherwise, would find Father Chris handsome and attractive!" "That's what I thought you'd say, and speaking for myself, I'm not completely rejecting the possibility that something could have happened between the two of them. Maybe it's my paternal instinct, but I've thought for some time that Andy might be gay." "I don't!" "Could you accept him, if he were?" "Of course, I could! Being gay is not the end of the world, and certainly it wouldn't be the end of a relationship between a mother and her son. It might take a few minor family adjustments to put everything right...." "Well, since you seem to be so open-minded about the subject, I hope you won't object if I talk to Father Chris - in a nice friendly manner - to see if there's any truth to my speculation; and if there isn't, maybe he can point me in the direction to find the truth about what Andy's been keeping from us, and why he did what he did last night." "I won't object, if you don't make your inquiry sound like an accusation. Our whole family has been close to Father Chris for a long time, and I don't want anything to break up our relationship!" "But honey, suppose ... just suppose it turns out to be true ... then what?" "If it's true, Todd, then I hope you won't mind having a priest as your son-in-law!" "Good God! Marcia!" Todd replied very exasperated. "Then maybe I won't talk with Father Chris. Maybe I don't want to know..." "'Don't ask, don't tell' is what Bill Clinton taught us!" "Then I won't ask, and I definitely will not tell a soul..." * * * Somewhere around 3:00 a.m., Randy awoke. The TV screen displayed an announcement saying that the movie he'd been watching was over. He cut off the set and turned toward the bathroom, needing to pee before returning to bed to sleep for the rest of the night. After peeing and before going back to bed, he decided to check on his guest, whom he'd left sleeping on one of the living room sofas. David was still sound asleep, and apparently hadn't moved an inch from the way Randy had left him after tossing the 'throw' over him. Randy stood close beside David and stared down at him for several seconds. Carefully, Randy leaned down and pushed back the lock of hair, which was half hiding David's forehead. It was a moment of utter deja vu for Randy. How often in the past had he brushed Mark's hair from his forehead? David's hair was the same shade and texture as Mark's. The room was almost dark, except for the spill of light from a few appliances in the kitchen, and in the shadows, David's face was identical to his younger brother's. Randy was taken with an irresistible urge to kneel and take David into his arms, but all he did was plant a delicate kiss on David's cheek as he whispered, "Good night, Mark. I'm so glad you came back to me...." |