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"And though I loved the boy for such a little while..." After he'd dropped David off at Thad's, thoughts of David kept cropping up in his mind for the rest of the day. Being honest with himself, Chris had done a lot of thinking about David the previous night after going to bed. He didn't allow himself to go fantasizing about Mark's older brother to the point of masturbating, but trying to go to sleep with a full erection did present a problem for Chris. David had admitted to Chris that he'd slept in the same bed with Thad, but denied emphatically that anything at all had transpired between them. Chris wanted to believe David, but he also knew Thad had enough charm and charisma to make a nun join him in adultery. He also suspected that David would be long gone back to Virginia before Thad came to confession, and only then, would Chris know the truth. Chris questioned himself, 'The truth about what? About David and Thad … or about me? I can't be interested in David; I'm a priest...his deceased brother's priest. David is straight, so why is this bothering me so?' He tossed and turned for a long while, before dropping off in a restless slumber. Shortly after high school let out for the day, the trio - Tommy, Jeff, and Andy - arrived to help with the evening Buggy meals. Tonight's menu would be simple … spaghetti with meat sauce, or plain tomato sauce - depending on the recipient's diet or preference; a lettuce salad, consisting of nothing more than just plain lettuce with no other vegetables; and a basic vinaigrette dressing with a dash of mustard and garlic salt. The Pig's Oink Supermarket had a sale on its own brand of popsicles, and that took care of dessert. The drink was nearly always iced tea ... with or without sugar or aspartame. And the Supermarket had been generous enough to supply the Buggy meals with loaves of two-day old French and Italian breads. Chris made the meat sauce while Tommy and Jeff boiled the water for spaghetti and made the tea. Andy sliced the bread and squirted softened margarine on each slice, and gave each one a dash of garlic salt to complete the suggestion of a continental meal. There were over one-hundred fifty meals to prepare for the evening run ... many stops were at places, which housed more than one receiver. The priest and his three Buggy helpers should be finished by 7 or 7:30 p.m. Chris loved his boys. He was aware of the bond between Tommy and Jeff, and often wondered if Andy felt left out of the trio, but the three did everything together until bedtime. Chris was no fool; he knew that Tommy and Jeff were more than likely having sex at night; but whether they thought they were fooling Chris, or simply ashamed to confess their nightly shenanigans to a friend at confession, Chris didn't try to pressure them into telling the truth. Even though, the Church had never accepted homosexuality, neither boy was required to be celibate; and anyway, the two sparked fond memories for Chris of his youth, before he'd taken his final vows. Steve's was always among the last stop on the route, and how Chris wished that David had chosen to stay with Steve. Though he had no reason to doubt David's word that nothing had happened at Thad's; Chris was confident that David would be much safer with Steve, even considering that Steve had advanced AIDS. The boys liked going to Steve's. They loved to hear his sarcasm over the nightly menu, and snickered over Steve's comments. Often, one, or all three, would make an excuse to go back to the station wagon for the chance to laugh out loud, and added to that they didn't want to see Chris' facial reaction to Steve's caustic remarks. Even though David had spent little time at Steve's, Steve missed him; and he didn't mind using his wry wit to express how he felt about David staying at Thad's. He asked Chris before leaving, "Do you suppose David is now Thad's deputy, and the two of them are riding off to the 'old north forty' to wrangle some rustlers?" Chris wanted to agree, but thought better of it. And he didn't want to think about Thad's idea of wrangling. Why risk even a hint of Steve's jealousy in front of his Buggy assistants? "I ... I hope the two of them are finding comfort in their time of sorrow," Chris said, sounding like a wise old patriarch of the church. "Knowing Thad as I do ... or rather as I used to know him, I'm sure he has presented more pain than comfort to David." Chris was aware that Steve was referring to Thad's size, but played his 'fatherly' role to the hilt. "They were both in a lot of emotional pain when I saw them last." "And I'm sure Thad has more than ample emotional pain medication in his liquor cabinet ..." Steve retorted as Andy, Jeff, and Tommy caught onto Steve's semi- malicious remark, and the three almost burst into laughter, but headed for the door before Chris could see them. "Well, Steve, it looks like my gang wants to get home early; so, I'll leave you and let you enjoy your meal." "Are you sure you don't want to give me my last rites before I eat? I heard several ambulance sirens going in the direction from which you were coming." He looked at his spaghetti sauce. "Are they bottling ptomaine now? Do you call this ptomaineto sauce?" "Steve, my friend, you're always a dear, and you're fun to visit. You're just what I need at the end of my day. You always manage to give me a good laugh." "What's funny? When you began delivering meals to me months ago, I stopped saying a blessing before I ate. Now I just raise my hand like the Baptists in a revival and shout, 'Morituri te salutamus!'...which means..." "You clown! I know my Latin, or did you forget?" "Oh, that's right ... you are a priest, aren't you." "And you happen to be one of my favorite people." "My, my, after all this time, you still want my body!" "I'm more interested in your soul, Steve." "Didja ever try fucking one? OH! You said soul! I thought you said my..." "Good night, Steve," Chris said firmly, while smiling broadly ... I'll see you tomorrow," Then Chris laughed, as he went out the door to take his boys home. The three young men were sitting in the car waiting on Chris when he reached them. He started the station wagon, and they were off. The first stop was at the Lawrence house, where both Tommy and Jeff got out, leaving Andy alone in the car with Chris. "Father Chris?" Andy spoke up. "Yes, Andy?" "Father, is Steve dying?" "Andy, we're all dying ... a bit each day." "I mean, how sick is Steve? Really?" "You know about his illness, don't you?" "Sure, he has AIDS ..." "That doesn't necessarily mean he's ready to die. Twenty years ago, the answer to your question would have been 'yes,' but we have treatments and medicines now to fight it … with new ones being discovered almost daily." "But there's no real cure or vaccine, is there?" "It depends on how you define 'cure'! There's no cure for the common cold, but when you get one ... it doesn't kill you, does it?" "No ..." "We treat colds just like we treat HIV or AIDS. A person can get better and live a long happy life ... but a vaccine? Not yet ... or at least, we don't know of one. The best vaccine for HIV and AIDS is education and prevention." "Prevention? Like ... like not having sex at all?" "I didn't say that, Andy. Prevention is a way of saying 'not to let something happen.' Sex is part of life, and God meant for a person to enjoy it ... but it means doing it safely." "My dad said that the Church doesn't believe in people using condoms. How can a Catholic have safe sex without a rubber?" "That's where knowing your partner comes into place. The Church also frowns on premarital sex, but in the world that teens are raised in today, virginity is becoming more and more nonexistent, in spite of the Church's teachings." "I'm a virgin, Father." "I'm proud to hear that, Andy." "What about you, Father? Were you a virgin before you became a priest?" "That's something I can't, and won't discuss." "Then you weren't, were you?" "You're assuming too much by my denial." "Can I ask you something that's not personal?" "Sure." "Why does the Church hate gay people?" "Who gave you that idea?" "My dad." "Andy, the Church doesn't hate gay people. The Church doesn't hate anyone for that matter. The Church just hates some of the things gay people do." "What if I were gay? Would I go to hell?" "I somehow doubt it, Andy. There's always time to confess your sins, as a rule." "You mean someone could be gay and do ... y'know, gay things, then confess at the last minute and still go to heaven?" The young priest thought a moment. "Probably ..." "Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better ... although, I won't tell my dad what you said." "Please don't." Turning to face him directly, Chris asked, "Andy, may I ask if you feel as though you're gay?" "I don't date girls." "How old are you?" "Eighteen." "And you've never had a date, or a sweetheart?" "Nope. I guess you kinda noticed Jeff and Tommy don't date girls either." "I ... I really hadn't noticed. I'm not aware what the three of you do at school, after we get through at night, or on weekends." "Father, I'm not in confession now, so please don't quote me, but Tommy and Jeff are in love ... I mean really in love!" "Oh ...?" "I wish I had someone as they do, Father. They have each other, but I don't have...." His voice trailed off. "Andy, are you saying you're lonely?" "Lonely? God, yes! So bad that I ache." "You'll find someone soon, I'm sure … maybe when you go to college." "I doubt it. I've lived my whole life without having someone, and I don't see my life changing." "You've never had a crush on anyone?" "Sure, a few times..." "And you never pursued your crush?" "No, everyone I had a crush on always had somebody else already. I'd give up everything I have to be like Jeff or Tommy. I'm sure that when they go to bed they hold each other. Me? I hold my pillow. I even gave my pillow a name." "Do you mind telling me your pillow's name?" "You won't say anything, will you?" "Have I ever revealed anything you told me in confession?" "Not that I know of." "Well, then ...?" "I call my pillow Kevin." "That's a boy's name." "I know." "You ... you pretend your pillow is a boy?" "I have, Father, for a long time." "You know, I slept with my teddy bear until I was thirteen, Andy." He turned quickly to Chris. "You're kidding?" "No ... but I've just told you a secret, so you can't tell anyone what I said." "Did your teddy bear have a name?" "Billy ... Billy Bear." "That's a boy's name, too." "I know." "Then while you were growing up, you pretended you were sleeping with a boy?" "Not really a boy ... it was a bear ... a boy bear named Billy." "Hmm ..." "And what does 'hmm' mean?" "Nothing really ... I'm not accusing you of anything, but there are a lot of gay priests." "Just like there are a lot of gay doctors, lawyers, teachers, construction workers, truck drivers ..." "I wasn't saying that you are, I ..." "Andy, with all the scandals about priests molesting altar boys these days, practically everyone suspects all priests are gay. The fact that we take a vow of celibacy and don't get married makes all of us targets for suspicions." "I ... I had a crush on you once!" he confessed quietly. "Are you serious, or are you just joshing me?" "Serious as a train wreck." "How long ago was that?" "Not long ago, Father ... not long at all." "You never confessed that to me." "I don't believe everyone confesses everything." "Don't tell anyone, but I'm sure of that." "I mean, not telling isn't lying exactly, is it?" "No." "And if I had a crush on you, and you never knew about it, what difference did it make." "As long as we're conversing outside the confessional, just talking man to man, I guess I should say I'm flattered. I would think anyone would get some pleasure knowing that a person such as yourself had a crush on him ... or her." "I hope I didn't offend you, or anything?" "You didn't ... but may I ask when your crush on me ended?" "I'm ... I'm not sure it did end." Feeling where this conversation could lead, Chris said, "On that note, I think we'd better end this conversation and change the subject, Andy." "I'm sorry ... I really am, Father. I should never have told you." "I'm glad that you did, Andy; but we won't talk of it again … all right?" "Just because I won't talk about it doesn't change the way I feel ..." "Then you have to resist that feeling, Andy. It will only cause you despair. Even if I wasn't a priest, you and I could never have a relationship. In spite of my personal beliefs, it's forbidden by the church." "Father, don't you ever get lonely?" "Andy, I asked you to change the subject." "I will, but I've got to say one final thing." "If it's the final thing, then go ahead and say it … and we'll never mention it again ... ever!" "All right ... here goes ... I ... I love you, Father." "Andy! That's enough! Please don't say another word!" "Okay, I won't!" They drove nearly the last ten blocks in silence until Chris parked his car in front of Andy's house. The tension was so heavy inside the car that Chris thought he would smother before he reached their destination. Andy, he knew, was filled with guilt and embarrassment. Andy wasn't sure what had prompted him to divulge the secret in his heart, which had been in repose for many agonizing months. In a way, he was glad that someone finally knew. He'd revealed personal things that he could tell no one, not even Jeff or Tommy, his best friends. Once the car stopped, Chris and Andy avoided looking at the other. Andy had his back toward Chris as he said good night. Chris turned and made the sign of the Cross, blessing Andy silently, but confusion swelled in Chris as he echoed, "Good night, Andy." Years ago, Chris had seen a sci-fi movie where, at the end, the car driven by the hero drove straight into darkness and disappeared ... never to return again, after which the credits began to roll. After Andy exited the car, Chris found himself longing to find that same darkness, to keep on going into eternity, or wherever the road led. Jesus! Why had Chris let the conversation get so far out of hand … going beyond the point of no return? Why did Andy choose this night to expose thoughts that should never have been revealed? Worse yet, how could an eighteen-year-old boy be in love with a twenty-six-old priest ... well, almost twenty-seven? Chris' hands were shaking as he placed them on the steering wheel. He felt beads of sweat popping out in his palms, on his forehead, the back of his neck... Chris had wondered for two days if he was feeling lust for David; and now, suddenly the cards had been turned - he found himself the object of a teenager's lust! Where in the name of God was that road that led into total darkness? * * * At the same time that Chris was about to have a nervous breakdown, in a shabbier part of Atlanta, an anxious detective sat wondering where in hell was David? Why hadn't he called? His luggage was still where he left it in Thad's living room and Thad was worried ... really worried. Thad had completed all the tasks concerning Alex's arrangements. He first had gone to the coroner's office and illegally signed the document which would release Alex's body to Felix, and which also gave permission for Alex's cremation. He left the coroner's office - step one completed. A visit to Felix's mortuary was next, where Thad had to dig deep to find the patience to listen to Felix's nonsensical sales pitch about choosing the proper urn to hold the ashes. It was the identical spiel Felix tried to present to Chris and David. Thad didn't buy into Felix's sales speech, so twice in one day, Felix's attempt to make extra profit was foiled. He would now have to charge some rich schmuck triple on the next coffin he sold to make up for what he saw as his loss. Thad wanted to take out his revolver and put a bullet through Felix's head on general principles. Thad hated closet queens, especially old virgin closet queens ... the kind that made heteros call queers faggots. After he left Felix's, Thad hurried home, hoping to see David. He had to try to find a way to make amends to David. Thad desperately wanted to apologize again about the kiss. He swore he'd rather shoot himself than embarrass David again that way. Shit! David would be gone in a couple of days, so why fuck up the guy's life. After all, David had said numerous times that he was straight. So, why couldn't Thad have accepted David's word and just let matters be? What would Alex have thought, if he knew Thad had behaved so foolishly? What would Mark have said, if he knew Thad had made a play for his brother? Rueful thoughts pounded in his head. He had made a fucking mess of everything, and somehow, some way, he had to rectify his action. But where the fuck was David? Was he still angry? God knows he had every right to be, Thad realized. David had said he was going to meet Randy for a drink. Jesus! All this time passing? What could have happened between them? Another kiss? Or even something worse? Anybody could fall for those long lashes of Randy's. David talked as if he could be attracted to Randy. Randy had probably taken David to a bar and bought him too many drinks ... enough to lower David's inhibitions. And Randy was probably at his house or apartment right now, fucking the daylights out of David's straight ass. Thad cursed and vowed that if Randy had taken advantage of David, he'd kill him on the spot, and plant a 'throw down' pistol in Randy's hand. Randy, the pretty boy with the pretty looks, pretty body, and pretty nine or ten inch dick! Someone should have shot Randy long ago ... right after he ditched Mark. He should have died that night! Thad wasn't hungry in spite of having missed dinner. It was almost 11:00 p.m. - and still there was no word, no phone call, no message, no sign of David since Thad had left him in early afternoon. Thad had reached an emotional point beyond being frantic, even though he knew it was silly for him to worry about the whereabouts of an almost total stranger. Practically everyone he'd ever met in his life had just been a swift encounter ... one-night stands, unknown faces meeting, then gone quickly after an hour or two. Except for his brief relationship with Alex, no one had ever mattered to Thad for any period of time. He'd known David for only a little over twenty-four hours, but David's unexplained absence was driving him mad. It was a part of his job as a detective to search for missing persons; but in the past, it had always meant looking for someone he didn't know, and didn't really care about. Why should this be different? Was it simply the fact that David had spurned his advances? That was something Thad wasn't used to! He was always the dominator, the aggressor. He set the rules of engagement. No one ever said no to him, and no one had ever walked out on him - ever! Was it only a bruise to Thad's ego and his masculine pride? Feelings of remorse or guilt were not in his personal catalog of emotions, but Thad was sincerely contrite concerning the kiss with David, and the conversation which followed. It was stupid even to consider filing a 'missing person' report. David wasn't really missing, was he? If Thad was to get into his car to look for David, where would he begin? Randy's place? And what if Thad were to find David there - then what? Would David think that Thad was stalking him? That'd only make matters worse. But what if Randy had gotten David drunk and was taking advantage of David sexually, with or without David's consent? Was that evidence enough to arrest Randy? He and David were both adults - they could have legal consensual sex ... but David would never consent! Would he? God damn it! Why didn't David just come back, and at least pick up his clothes and gear? Was he unable to? That was the question that worried Thad the most. Surely David wouldn't agree of his own sober volition to spend the night with the pretty boy! David had to be in some trouble or danger. Thad finally realized there was really nothing more he could do, but just wait ... and wait, he did! He waited for David until 3:00 a.m., when he finally dropped to off sleep on his dusty divan. * * * When Andy went into his house after leaving Father Chris' car, he remained in a quiet mood, barely noticing his parents. His mom was used to serving Andy a late dinner, since he usually arrived home about the same time every night after the Buggy meal evening run. Andy's dad, Todd, was very proud of his son. Todd was a huge supporter of St. Thaddeus Church, both spiritually and financially. Todd felt that the money he gave was an investment in a reward he would receive in the next world. Todd had been instrumental in 'volunteering' his son's services to assist Father Chris with the mission meals, and Andy had actually felt he had no choice but to comply with his father's wish. In a way, Andy was glad to have something to do to get him out of the house, to be with other people, and to get closer to his best friends, Jeff and Tommy ... not to mention that he found his mentor, Father Chris, very attractive. This night, however, Andy walked past the dining room and went down the hall to the bathroom, passing both his and his parents' bedrooms. Often Andy had a hard day at school and a long tiring trip delivering meals, so when he appeared to be skipping his own meal, neither parent thought anything odd about it. Leaving the bathroom, Andy went directly to his own room and closed the door. The three favorite prime-time shows were beginning on the television, so Marcia and Todd settled down in the living room to watch their favorite Tuesday evening TV fare, "NCIS," "House," and "Law and Order: SVU." After the "House" episode, Marcia went into the kitchen to dish out bowls of Starbuck's Mud Pie Ice Cream for her husband and herself. She walked down and tapped on Andy's door to offer him a dish, but Andy didn't answer. Marcia assumed Andy had gotten tired after doing his homework and dropped off to sleep. Then she hurried back to the living room with two dishes of ice cream to see the crime, which was always committed during the first three minutes of "SVU." They were both were huge fans of Mariska Hargitay, and Marcia couldn't keep her eyes off Chris Meloni, ever since she'd seen him playing many nude scenes in the HBO series "OZ." Chris had played a homosexual convict with a convict lover, and the two had had many kissing and simulated sex scenes. Seeing Chris perform oral sex on Lee Tergersen disgusted Todd, but he watched and accepted the scenes as being part of the prison life reality. Marcia would never reveal that she liked "OZ" with a prurient eye to seeing all the male penises. The eleven o'clock news came on the Atlanta NBC affiliate, and Todd watched the headlines while Marcia went back to the kitchen to rinse out the two empty bowls. Then he switched off the TV at 11:15, turned out the lights, and he and Marcia headed for bed. Todd stripped down to his boxers and T-shirt, and got into bed while Marcia went into the bathroom to take off her makeup, moisturize her face, and put on her gown, and slippers. She brushed her teeth and opened the medicine cabinet to take her one nightly pill. Suddenly puzzled, she went to the bedroom and asked, "Todd, I thought you picked up my Seconal prescription today." "I did, honey. I put it in the chest right beside your nearly empty bottle, when I came home from work this afternoon." "That's strange, I thought I had one more caplet in the old bottle, but it's empty and there's no full bottle where you said you put it." "Marcia, I'm certain that I put it there. I'm sure, because I placed my Preparation H suppositories on the shelf above your pills." "Todd, would you mind coming into the bathroom and take a look for yourself. My pills are not there." "Oh, all right ... but I know I can find them." Todd followed his wife into the bathroom, and as she had said, her sleeping pills were not where he had put them. "Marcia, I swear to you..." Suddenly, the same thought hit their minds at the same moment. "You don't think ...?" Marcia asked with trepidation. "Of course not, but we should check ... just in case..." The couple almost raced from the bathroom to Andy's bedroom, and Todd knocked rather loudly on Andy's door. "Andy!" No answer. Todd knocked louder. "Andy! Please open this door!" Still no answer, and when Todd tried to turn the doorknob, Andy's door was locked. "Andy, if you don't open this door, I'm gonna knock it down!" After the third silence, Marcia said, "Go ahead, Todd, break it down ... something's wrong!" Todd took three steps backward, then lunged forward with all his might. The lock on Andy's door broke, and his father's forward motion took him into the middle of Andy's bedroom just three feet below the foot of Andy's bed. Andy was fully dressed in the clothes he'd worn to school, and appeared to be sound asleep lying crossways on his bed. Todd dived over the footboard of the bed and landed next to his son. Todd shook Andy, but Andy didn't move or respond to his dad's frantic action. "Oh my God, Todd, see if he's breathing..." Todd put his face next to Andy's mouth and nose, and felt a faintly warm breath from Andy's nostrils. "He's breathing, Marcia! Run! Run for God's sake, and call 911!" Marcia screamed and wailed all the way to the phone, and the operator had to calm Marcia down enough to hear her cry for help. Then Marcia ran back to Andy's bedroom. "The EMS are on the way!" Marcia shouted. "Do something, Todd!!" "What, for God's sake, honey? I don't know what to do!!" "Do CPR! Pump his heart, breathe into his mouth!! Andy! Oh, my God, this can't be happening!" Suddenly, she ran out the bedroom to go to the phone again. "I'm going to call Father Chris!" Marcia yelled to her husband. "What for, honey? Do you think he knows CPR?" "No, Todd ... but I think he should be here ... just in case ...!" "In case of what?" "In case our sons needs his last rites...." She was now sobbing deeply. "Oh, Jesus!" Todd cried out, and began pumping his hands on Andy's sternum. |