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"And though I loved the boy for such a little while..." The kiss ended without a word or a glance, as each avoided the other's eyes. Randy pulled up his Speedo, then turned, and stepped out of the hot tub. Silently, he walked into the bathroom, where he took two large bath towels and brought them back to David. David took one, still not making eye contact with Randy. Slowly, David stood and, after pulling up his own bathing suit, reached for the side of the hot tub for support getting out. His legs were still weak following the incident that had just transpired between him and Randy. One leg gave way and he slipped, falling face down into the hot water. Randy immediately jumped in to help, grabbing one of David's arms and placing it around his own neck, much as a lifeguard would do in a deep pool. Awkwardly, the two climbed out of the hot tub. The towel Randy had given David had dropped into the water when David fell, so Randy handed David the dry one. "Thanks," David uttered - the first word either of them had voiced. "Did you hurt yourself?" David paused, and replied, "Well, the fall didn't hurt me ..." "But you're implying that I did ...?" Randy replied, looking away from David. David didn't respond to Randy's remark. "David, if you want, get dressed, and I'll drive you back to Thad's ... or wherever you want to go. Or I'll call you a cab, if that would make you feel easier - I'll pay for it." David stood silently with the towel in his hand. He still hadn't started drying himself. He just stood, staring at the floor, as if in a daze. "David ...?" No response. "David ...?" Still silence. "David, please say something ... anything" "I ... I hate myself ...!" David uttered in a coarse monotone, sounding almost robotic. "Perhaps it's me you should hate ... not yourself!" Randy replied quietly. "God! I wish I could turn back the clock and just forget this day ..." "And I wish I could turn the clock back six months!" "Would that've made any difference ... to Mark?" "Mark might still be alive if I had shown more fortitude. I ... I curse myself for leaving him. His illness wasn't curable, but it was treatable. He could have lived for years." "I guess I'm as much to blame as you. I should have been here for him, and I wasn't! I've asked myself a thousand times in the past two days, why the fuck didn't I make an effort to contact him or see him?" "David, I don't think Mark didn't want to see you any more than he wanted to see me. I don't think he wanted to involve either one of us ...." "But I didn't even make an attempt to get involved." "I did, several times, but he wouldn't see me ... wouldn't even answer the door when I came by to see him." "From everything I've heard, you ... you didn't try to see him?" "That's not true, David! He refused to see me." "What do you mean?" "If you'll sit down, I'll tell you the whole story ... that is, if you want to hear it." "Randy, I need to know everything I can about my brother. He was living a life I knew nothing about, and I want to know - I need to know." "David, Mark was the love of my life. As I remember, before he became sick, we were the happiest couple on earth. I've never loved anyone as I did Mark ... and I never will. He was fun, he was caring, thoughtful, and - I hope this doesn't offend you - but he was wonderful in bed. We had sex several times a day, and more than once at night. It was like he couldn't get enough. And I knew damned well that I couldn't get enough of him. Like you, he was fresh out of traditional old Virginia ... naive in every way about everything. He wanted to learn about everything all at once, as if there'd be no tomorrow. There was only here and now with Mark ... and I dearly loved teaching him about the life he'd never known about. With Mark, it was like I was reborn and living my life anew ... sharing things, going to different places ... concerts, museums, touring Broadway shows, we went to Theatre Under The Stars. Hell, we did it all! Together! For the first time!" "Can I stop you long enough to ask if Mark was in love with you, or was he just wrapped up in a world of new things? "I honestly believe Mark loved me, the reason being Mark told me that before we met, he was always very selective in his sex partners. You see, Mark just couldn't … or probably I should say … wouldn't go to bed just for the physical side of sex. He had to experience the emotional side of love making - otherwise, he didn't enjoy it." "But you said that you and Mark went to bed together on your first date. How could he possibly have developed such a strong feeling for you in just a matter of minutes, or hours?" "That's how I knew he loved me. Something happened, and I don't mean going beyond his two drink limit. We just ... just clicked! I felt it, and I'd had a lot less booze than he'd had. Hell, I was practically stone sober. When I was just a kid, a gay man told me that I could search the world over and go to bed thousands of times with thousands of guys, but one day I would meet that 'someone' ... many refer to it as finding your soul mate. And I'd just know right away ... out of instinct … 'that's him.' And if it's right, he'll feel it too at the same moment." "So, what happened?" "I guess, while you were looking around my apartment, you were probably wondering how I could afford all this. Really, wealth is all I've ever known. My father had money, lots of it, from his parents, and he married my mother, who actually had more money than he. You know ... money seeds money … money breeds money. Well, I was the only product of their breeding. When I was around twelve, my parents found they had gotten tired of each other … they were bored ... and split off in different directions. In the divorce settlement, neither of them wanted money from the other; each had all he needed. The only thing left undecided was who gets custody of the kid - me. Actually, it was more like who doesn't want to get stuck raising a teenager? So, off to boarding school I go. A year later, when I turned thirteen and reached puberty, I'd learned what it's like to go to a boys' academy. Boy/boy sex everywhere ... in the showers … in the dorms … in the toilets...everywhere! What's more, I loved it. I loved it so much, it didn't occur to me to have a girlfriend. I'd never had one; I didn't need one; and I knew I'd never have one. When I was eighteen, I had my semi-annual visit with my dad. Oh, by the way, he lost and had custody of me. He told me to pick out any college, as long as it wasn't near him; so, that told me how much he loved me. A year later, after I'd flunked out by ignoring my classes and paying more attention to the track team, or the swim team … I think I serviced all of them at one time or another. I came home with my tail tucked between my legs to see him, and asked, "What now, pop?" Realizing I could become a burden on him, he met with his lawyer and set up a bottomless trust fund for me. Whenever my account balance drops below a certain level, the bank automatically restores my balance … no matter how much I spend … just as long as I don't hang around at home. In other words, I'm paid to stay away. Today, I still have as much money in the bank as I did when I was eighteen. If I want to buy a new car or ... hell, a ticket to Timbuktu, I know that whatever it costs will be replaced in my account the next day. Then one day out of the blue, I got a call from Switzerland. My mother, whom I hadn't seen in over ten years. Hell, I didn't even know she was still alive or where she was. Anyway, one of her 'boyfriends' called to say she was in a hospice in Switzerland - with some kind of terminal cancer. And some priest had convinced her that when she died she was doomed to hell, if she didn't make amends with me … her one and only child!" David had listened carefully, and asked, "And so you went to Switzerland to see your mother?" "Like a little baby who's lost his 'mommy' in a big shopping mall, I flew to Europe and rushed to her bedside ... only she didn't have cancer. But she sure had an incurable illness - the kind you find in the bottom of a vodka bottle. She wasn't dying ... no priest had talked with her ... it was all lies! She was drunk, and wanted to see her 'long-lost son.'" "Mark didn't go with you?" "No, I know he wanted to ... but I didn't want him to see my mother. I didn't want anyone to interfere with Mark's and my relationship. I told him I'd fly to Switzerland, rush to her bedside, give her a phony hug, and fly right back to Atlanta." "And you didn't ...?" "No, I ... I'd never been to Switzerland, and I decided to stay a few days - climb an Alp, milk a goat, make some cheese, learn how to yodel, eat a bunch of Swiss chocolates ... silly shit. I talked with Mark five times a day and made excuses for remaining longer. Then a twist of fate grabbed me on my fourth day there. One of my mother's boyfriends found her dead with a huge gash on the back of her head." "My God ...!" "The Swiss police came to investigate her death and decided it was not accidental, but that someone had murdered her. I, being the only heir of a wealthy American woman, became the natural suspect. So I was arrested and detained by the Swiss magistrate. I wasn't guilty. Hell, why would I kill the bitch? I hardly knew her, and I had enough money of my own. I didn't need any of hers, even if I was designated in her will, which she had never made. I was allowed one phone call, and I had to choose whether to call my lover Mark, or contact my dad's lawyer to get me out of the fucking mess. Two months later, one of my mother's boyfriends confessed, and I was exonerated and allowed to come back to the U.S. I flew non-stop from Zurich to Atlanta, and rushed to see Mark and hold him in my arms; only when I got home - Mark wasn't here." "Had he moved in with Steve?" "It took me nearly a week to find him. I hadn't seen him in over two months; and when I did see him, I hardly recognized him. He'd lost weight, and looked extremely ill. At that time, he hadn't been diagnosed with Hep C yet. He assumed he had HIV, and that I ... that I'd given it to him. And I thought that he was right, that I had it and had given it to him. I didn't feel sick or look sick; but I thought I could be a carrier, and could have given him the virus without knowing I had it. So, I rushed to my own doctor and had every blood test imaginable done; and all the results - every last one of them came back negative. I was as healthy as an Olympic athlete. I ran back to Mark and showed him the reports; but I guess he resented me then because I was well and he wasn't. He kept me at a distance, no hugs, no kissing, no sex - that's for sure - not even as much as a handshake. Finally, I convinced him to go see my doctor. Maybe he didn't have HIV; there was no reason for him to have it. I thought ... even prayed that he had some kind of cancer, which could be treated … maybe even cured." "And did he go ...?" "Yes, and that's when he found out about the hepatitis. He asked my doctor how contagious he was ... and was told that he was very much so. He could give it to anyone with whom he had physical contact ... or anyone who even touched anything he had touched ... such as a glass, a fork … anything. He felt he had become a 'typhoid Mary'... only he was a 'hep C. Mark'! The doctor wanted to start him on an Interferon Regimen, with lots of vitamins and liver supplements. But Mark asked if he would still be contagious; and when the doctor told him that he probably would - Mark opted not to get any treatment at all ... and turned against me. He shouted he never wanted to see me again, and to get out of his life. I think now, that he loved me too much to want to see me get hep C from him. He went back to Steve's and became a shut-in - a hermit. With his diagnosis, it was easy to apply and get SSI and Medicare approved. Father Chris helped him with … that just to help pay the rent. I was destroyed. I loved Mark so much, and he never wanted to see me again. I was heartbroken; so I vanished from his life. What had transpired between us, remained between the two of us, and I found that I got the reputation of being a shit for walking out of Mark's life to let him die alone. No one ever knew that I was just following his wish - it was the last thing he asked of me. So, I took the blame and disappeared. You might not believe this ... but I've remained faithful to him completely." "Yeah? Then what about a few minutes ago? Was that being faithful?" "David, I swear to God, you are the only person I've touched since I left Mark." "That's difficult to believe. I mean, why now … and why me?" "Jesus Christ! Can't you see what happened? Ever since I saw you in the drugstore, I've felt that Mark had come back into my life. You're the spitting image of him. I ... I didn't have sex with you ... you became Mark for me. When I saw you naked, I wanted to have him again, to hold him, to ... to devour him. I ... I couldn't control myself. I've sat here and yearned for him month after month, until I can barely stand it, just wanting him back. Then when I saw you - he was back ..." "Then it wasn't I, that you ...?" "No, David, it wasn't you - it was Mark." "Dear God, I want to believe you, but ..." He was interrupted when Randy nearly turned violent, and demanded, "David, I want to know why you kissed me!" "I don't know, Randy. I really wanted to kill you." "I almost wish you had; but you didn't! Why not?" "I can't explain what happened! I know I shouldn't tell you this, but an hour before you came to pick me up, I found myself in Thad's arms, and he kissed me. I was so upset at the incident that I almost went into Thad's bathroom and slit my wrists with his razor." "Is it so horrible that some homosexual feeling might have suddenly manifested itself?" "You mean, was I frightened that I might be gay and didn't know it?" "Maybe it could be some feeling you've been hiding from yourself. I mean, I've given many straight guys blow jobs before, but you're the first one who ever kissed me afterwards." "Oh, God … I'm so confused!" "David, when Thad kissed you, did you feel like killing him, or hitting him at least?" "No ... I became 'caught up' in the moment, and found myself returning his kiss ...!" "Why? What do you suppose that meant?" "Afterward, I ... I justified my action, by telling myself I was just emulating Mark. I felt that's what he would've done ... the way he would've reacted, and I had to find out what he had felt." "Does that explain why you kissed me ... you were emulating Mark again?" "I don't know. There was something in your eyes when I had my hands around your throat. You became something, or someone that Mark had loved, and I couldn't hurt Mark's love. I had to love it as he would've." "David, look at me. How do you feel now? Guilty? Or are you glad you did what you did?" "I'm not sure. It's like when Thad held me in his arms - I realized it was something I needed desperately. I wanted a man to hold me. I ... I'm going with a girl named Jenny back home, we're lovers ... but I'm not sure I would have had the same feeling, had it been she and not Thad holding me. I did some remedial soul-searching, and realized that never once in my life had my dad ever held me. I'd never had or felt the love of a man ... which even straight guys are supposed to feel, or at least know about." "David, I'm not old enough for you to think I'm your dad ... neither is Thad!" "No, but you're Mark's age. I never held Mark in my arms either - not ever." "I think your books would define your action as a brotherly transference. So what's next? I mean, what do you want to do? As I said, I can drive you back to Thad's ...?" "I'm almost afraid to face him. I mean, what if he kisses me again, and wants to go further, the way you did? I'd almost become a hetero-slash-gay whore." "Sex between two consenting males doesn't make either of them a whore." "Who says it's consensual? I didn't agree to have sex with you, OR with Thad." "You didn't stop me ..." "I sure as hell tried ..." "Only at first, I could feel when you stopped resisting and gave in to me." "Hell, in spite of being so gross ... I've got to admit that it was pleasurable." "You liked it, then?" "Maybe ... I mean, who can say 'no' during the middle of an orgasm? Jerry Falwell, maybe ..." "That holy queen? Isn't he from Virginia?" "Lynchburg." "He was probably sucking his father's dick when he was conceived in his mother's womb. Nobody, not even you, can feel so strongly about something without knowing just a little bit about it ... I'm referring to cocksucking." "When I go home, maybe I'll stop by and tell him there's someone in Atlanta he should come visit!" "Send him down. Somebody here will convert him ... convert him and out him!" David's tension had eased, and he found that he could laugh at Randy's remark. "I ... I'm feeling better now, now that I have a better idea about why I felt as I did." "You, uh, still haven't told me where you want me to take you? To Thad's, or to a hotel?" "I'm not sure." "Listen, you know I have a spare bedroom WITH a lock on the door, by the way. If you want to stay here, I'll even run out and buy a chain lock or deadbolt to make you feel safe from me." David thought for a minute. "You do have more room than Thad ... and God knows, it's cleaner ..." "Wanna stay? I'll thaw some steaks, or a couple of lobster tails, and we can eat in." "All my clothes are at Thad's." "You mean your spare overalls, plaid shirt, and straw hat?" "Now, now ... my clothes aren't all that bad." "Go into my bedroom, open up my closet, and find anything you want ... your size, but my taste. I'm going to get you to living in the twenty-first century somehow." "All right, then." "After dinner, we can go to a show, or a club, or just stay home and watch a DVD. I'll bet you've never seen hi-def with five-point-one stereo, have you?" "God, how I wish I could say, yes; but no, I haven't!" "Figures..." "You're an asshole! What did my brother ever see in you?" "It's more like what did I see in him...? Now, go pick out something hot out of my closet to wear for dinner. I'll go turn on the CD and play something nice." "I can hardly wait to hear what you call 'nice' music." "Y'know, I might surprise you..." "I hope not, I don't think I could stand many more of your surprises. The last one almost crippled me." "Scoot!" David went into the bedroom to find something suitable to wear - something that would meet Randy's approval. From the living room, he heard a quiet musical intro, followed by a female voice singing quietly, "You ask me why? Well... as I remember him, he had a gentle way. David totally forgot about clothes. He walked back into living room to listen to the lyrics more intently. Randy came out of the kitchen to listen as well. The two guy's eyes met and locked, as the music brought tears to both their eyes. "And though I loved the boy for such a little while, "Mark?" David asked. "Uh huh!" replied Randy, choking back a tear.
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