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I wasn't keenly aware of the boys' sex life but Kyle didn't have to tell me he'd lost his virginity. I happened to be up to go to the bathroom when the boys came in from their double date. I didn't see Devon but I knew right away, just from the look on Kyle's face that he wasn't a virgin anymore. It was something like a deer-in-the-headlights look; he wasn't expecting me to be up, and there he was, face to face with me, with that guilty look on his face.

We just looked at each other for brief moment.

"Is there something you wanta tell me?" I asked, to break the impasse.

"Well, it happened, if that's what you're wondering," he said bravely.

"I see. How was it?"

"Everything I expected, and more," he said.

"Good. The first time often doesn't live up to expectations," I said.

"This did."

"I'm glad for that, Son. Did you remember the condoms?"

"Yes, sir."

There was the briefest, awkward pause.

"Do you want to talk anymore about it?" I asked.

"No, I don't think so. Not right now anyway," he replied.

"All right. Good night, then."

"Good night, Dad."

I was at my door, he was at his when he stopped me.

"Dad."

"Yes?" I turned.

"It wasn't tonight," he said.

"What wasn't tonight?"

"I didn't lose my virginity tonight."

"Oh?"

"It wasn't my first time."

"Oh, I see."

"I'd be lying to you if I let you believe that. Truth is, I got a girl to come out and spend the whole night when you and Jason were in San Diego."

"Well, somehow that doesn't surprise me," I said. "In a way, I guess I would've expected that to happen."

"You're probably the only dad in the world who would say that."

"I doubt that. I know I'm not the only dad in the world who would've probably tried the same thing in your shoes," I said. "But that wasn't what you came in to tell me, was it?"

"No, I….I wanted to say, I understand you and Jason better."

I looked at him with a scowl of surprise; it seemed an odd thing for him to say.

"I mean, how you feel about each other."

"Possibly, you do, somewhat," I said. "But whether you do or not, I truly appreciate that you're trying."

"I think I do. I love this girl. Not the one who spent the night, she's a slut, every boy's dream. I'm talking about Angie."

"Don't get hurt, Son. Love hurts sometimes. Don't get hurt."

He nodded. "Good night, Dad." Then he turned into his room.

I went into my room, with an ache in my heart. I couldn't say it, but I knew he was going to be hurt. A guy's first love almost never turned out to be his first true love.

Back in bed, I told Jason about Kyle. He smiled.

"They doubled tonight, didn't they?" Jason asked. "I wonder how Devon made out."

"Kyle didn't say. But he said the strangest thing. He said he better understood about you and me--how we feel about each other--because he's in love with this girl."

"Wow! When did he figure us out?"

"I don't know."

"What'd you say?"

"I told him that I appreciated that he was trying to understand."

"Well, it'll be interesting to see if it comes up again, and how," Jason said.

The next morning--Sunday--Kyle and I were up first, fixing breakfast. Devon and Jason were still asleep. He was quiet and, I thought, a little embarrassed, perhaps to be alone with me with last night looming over our heads.

"Are you okay, Son?" I asked.

"Yeah. Sure."

"Does it still feel the same this morning as it did last night?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You're not having second thoughts?"

"No."

"Sometimes things look different in the light of day, after the euphoria has worn off," I said.

"When does the euphoria wear off?" he asked.

"Well, they say you never forget your first piece of ass," I said.

"She wasn't," he said.

"Also, you never forget your first love," I said.

"Do you remember yours?" he asked.

"My first love or my first piece of ass? They were one and the same," I told him.

"Do you remember her?"

"Yes. But I don't remember her name."

"That's terrible," he said, laughing. "I won't ever forget Angie's name. I think I want to marry her, Dad."

"Hold that thought for a few years, Son," I said. "By the way, you guys doubled last night; how was Devon's date?"

"Devon isn't a virgin anymore either," he said. "But that didn't happen last night either."

"Oh, really. How do you know that for sure?"

"Same girl, while you guys were gone," he said.

"What about last night?" I asked.

He laughed. "He was in the back seat doing the same thing with Jennifer that I was doing in the front seat with Angie."

"I hope he remembered condoms," I said.

"I gave him one of mine. Yours. But I don't think he enjoys it with girls like I do. Both times, I think he did it just because he was with me. I'm not going to put him in that position again. I've tried to get him to rethink the bi thing but I think he's on track. He, uh….he's found someone."

"Wonderful. Jason will be happy to hear that."

"It's not a girl. They met at football camp. You can't tell Jason," he said quickly. "It's up to Devon to tell him if and when he wants him to know."

"All right. Listen, Kyle….."

"Yeah, Dad?"

"Last night, you said you better understand Jason and me, because you love this girl. When did you figure things out?"

"I don't really know an exact time. It just gradually came to be in my mind. I mean, we've got four bedrooms in the house, and you and Jason sleep together. Then we….when we had this girl out to spend the night when you and Jason were gone, we did it with her in your bed, Dad, and that's when I noticed the mirrors and how they were all arranged. It just rang a bell. I hope you're not mad that we used your bed. Devon thought it was sort of an honor that he lost his virginity in your bed."

"Well, the bunk beds would've been kinda crowded," I said.

"When were you going to tell us, Dad?" he asked.

"When you figured it out," I said. "Has Devon figured it out?"

"We've talked about it," he replied.

"And?"

He shrugged. "It's not a big deal for either of us. But you never said if you're mad that we used your bed."

"I'm not mad."

"Good, because we….." He caught himself and looked embarrassed.

"What?" I asked.

"I shouldn't be telling you," he said.

"The cat's ready half out of the bag, Kyle."

"You have to promise you won't say anything, not to Jason or Devon."

"Okay."

"Well, the other bigger honor was….Devon lost his virginity in more ways than one. He gave his cherry to me a while back. A guy can have more than one virginity, you know. But we thought it would be an honor for that to happen in your bed."

"You and….you….." I said.

"Yeah. I fucked Devon, putting it bluntly. And mildly," he added with a soft chuckle. "He asked me to."

"Well. you've certainly broadened your horizons," I said.

"You're not disappointed with me? I did it only because he asked me to."

"No, of course not. Anything between you and your brother is fine as long as it's mutually agreeable."

"It would never be otherwise," he said.

Later, Jason and I were talking about the boys and I told him that Kyle was in love. "So is Devon," I said.

"Well I hope you told him not to fall in love with his first piece of ass," I said.

"I didn't talk to him. Kyle told me. It's not a girl."

"Oh, really!"

"It's another jock he met at football camp." Beyond his initial surprise, Jason was nonplussed.

"Well, it's not what I was hoping for when I brought the little shit to the States, but I'm happy for him."

"How could you not be? He just might find what we found," I said.

"I don't think anybody could find what we found. To do that, one of them would have to be another you."

I smiled, a bit taken aback. "That's the nicest thing you've said to me in a long time."

"I try to make my actions speak louder than my words," he said.

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him about Devon and Kyle but I couldn't bring myself to break my promise to Kyle.

"Are we going to meet this guy?" Jason asked.

"Maybe we should have him invite the guy over at the same time Kyle has his girlfriend over."

"I wouldn't press it that far. But Kyle is going to have to learn to cope a little better with our overall family situation."

Despite his new found love, I was surprised when I thought I was getting vibes from Devon. I was also admittedly turned on, but I made no response that would encourage him. On the second occasion, I decided I should mention it to Jason, cautiously, to be sure. Not surprisingly, he didn't think it was such a big deal. On the contrary, he shrugged it off with a chuckle and told me to go for it. I shrugged it off--the vibes, and Jason's reaction--because I didn't think for a minute that he was seriously giving me permission to have sex with his boy. But then Devon did more than send out vibes; he came on to me and it couldn't be ignored any longer.

We happened to be sharing the bathroom. I had gotten off work late and went in to shower while Devon was just shaving, getting ready to go out. Down to my shorts, I stepped out of them and bent over to pick them up.

"Damn, Brad, I wish you wouldn't do that," he groaned.

I turned around as I rose up to see him standing with the razor held just out from his face, smiling.

"Do what? Does it bother you that I come in to shower when you're in here?" I asked.

"Matter of fact, it bothers me a lot, but that…." He cocked his head and nodded toward my butt. "…..could be downright dangerous."

I laughed and stepped into the shower. I wouldn't say that he shook me by his bold remark but I dropped the soap twice. The first time, I heard him chuckle. Then I dropped it again.

"That's twice. Are you trying to tell me something, Brad?"

"Don't you wish," I said.

"You're not going to take the bait, are you?" he said loudly over the sound of the shower.

"What bait?"

"I've come on to you three times now. Don't tell me you didn't catch it."

"I certainly caught the last ones," I said.

"And?"

"I don't think we should go there," I said.

"Well, at least that's not a no," he said.

"We're not going there."

After a moment, he said, "Brad….what do you think about…. Dad?"

"What do you mean?"

"How you feel about him," he said.

"I think you know how I feel about your Dad."

"No, I mean, what do you think about him and me? I mean, he's not my real Dad."

I glanced in the mirror as I was stepping out of the shower, and our eyes met and held for several seconds.

"You know I've been having sex with Kyle; he's not my real brother," he said, his eyes unwavering.

"But you and Jason….I think that would be very different. I don't think you should go there," I said. "What happened to the boy you met at football camp?"

"Who told you about Jake?"

"I didn't know that was his name. Kyle mentioned it."

"I don't see Jake. We planned on it, but his Dad got him a job on a ranch somewhere in Wyoming. He'll be gone all summer. I see you and Dad and Kyle all the time. You were my age once, you should understand that."

"You're not tied down here, Devon. You could go to Wyoming," I said.

"You think I could?" he asked excitedly.

"Can't think of one reason why not," I said, intending to let the other matter drop.

"I guess I threw out that bait for nothing, huh?" he said and we both had a good laugh.

I reported to Jason that Devon had come on to me again, this time quite openly.

"Why are you telling me this? We've had this conversation. Is there something you think I should do about it?" Jason asked.

"I just thought you should know."

"Well, maybe he's got a thing for older men. If he's coming on to you, he will come on to someone else. Quite frankly, Brad, I would just as soon it be you."

Even with Jason's okay, and tempting as it was, I didn't act on Devon's overtures, but I decided Jason and I should talk about it because I didn't believe it was going to go away.

We were having our usual after supper beer out on the porch.

"For the record, I'm not having sex with either of the boys," I declared. It came out as a pronouncement and it seemed to take Jason by surprise.

He stared at me over his beer bottle. "Where is this coming from?" he asked.

"Just wanted to clear that up, after I told you I was getting vibes from Devon," I said. "I've thought about it and I don't think it's a good idea. Of course, I'm making that decision for myself, not for you."

"This sounds like it's coming out of your dark past," he said.

"It has roots there," I said.

"You and my son, Jase, of that past," he said.

"Yes. So you see how easy it could be with Devon, if I let myself go. But that with Jase was a dark fantasy. It shouldn't be given life."

"Devon is no fantasy," he said.

"It would only give him one more thing to deal with and he's got enough on his plate," I said.

"I appreciate your saying so. Although you know I wouldn't stand in your way if that's what he wants. And he does."

"Oh, has he said something?"

"Yes, on more than one occasion. He thinks you're hot. He thinks we both are. First time he said it, it was terms of admiration. Now he means it, in a different way."

If I looked surprised-and I was sure I did-it was because I didn't know Jason and Devon had those conversations.

"Truth?....I've gotten vibes from him, too," Jason said. "More than vibes. I started paying careful attention after you mentioned that he'd come on to you and we've talked about it at great length. He said he's had fantasies of the four of us. And you want to hear something really interesting? He said he knows Kyle would be okay with it."

I laughed softly. "Maybe we did get the wrong sons."

"You don't wanta trade, do you?" Jason asked, laughing.

"No, I'm used to Kyle calling me Dad."

"Brad….do you remember much of it?….with Jase, I mean."

"Yes. Very clearly when I let myself think about it. It was happening when I was coming out of the coma. My shrink asked me about the things I was saying when I was waking up. I never answered him."

"You had a flashback the day we looked at this place, standing back in the woods," he said.

"Yes, it flashed back clear as a bell. It was eerie. Seeing the woods and the creek brought it all back. This is so much like the place in my dream."

"You should write about it, everything you remember from your dark past," he said.

"No, it would be too sordid to read."

"Not for the ones you would be writing it for."

"Maybe I will, someday, when I'm old."

"When you're old you won't remember," he said.