welcome to crvboy - Nate's Wounded Heart

After the rather uncomfortable experience that dinner ended up turning into, Jules had asked Dylan to do grocery shopping. Dylan agreed happily considering that he needed to stop by a friend's house and the market would be on the way. After Dylan left Nate couldn't stand it and was about to share a piece of his mind to Luke about the whole deal. He offered his and Luke's help with washing the dishes and cleaning up. Jules hurried up to his room saying he needed to get some of his clothes down to the basement for laundry, obviously knowing what Nate wanted to do.

"So I guess I could stay here and you could take Dylan home on Sunday." He said as he carried some dishes into the kitchen sink.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Luke asked furrowing his brow.

"Well ever since you saw him getting out of the shower it's been as if your dick has been leading your every move." Nate told him as he started washing dishes.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Jealous of your own cousin?" Luke asked him smiling.

He punched the wall in front of him, causing a rattle in the shelves placed above the sink. "I am sick of you denying all of this bullshit, for the last month or so you have been popping a boner at the sight of any guy and I am sick of hearing your excuses." He said as he saw Luke walk away.

"If you're gonna be such a fucktard about this then I don't care to listen anymore." Luke said as he left the kitchen. His hurried steps roared until the sound of the guest bedroom's door closing in a not too gentle slam. He kept washing dishes and breathing deeply to try to calm down. After a few minutes as he was drying the dishes he heard subtle steps coming from behind and relaxed knowing whom it was.

"I'm sorry that you guys are fighting." Jules said before kissing his right cheek from behind him. He wrapped his arms around Nate, causing him to relax and lean back resting his back against Julian's chest.

"I don't know what to do, I want to talk to you about this but it's all so weird." He said enjoying the feeling of his favorite cousin holding him, a feeling that he had been longing to experience again since years ago.

"Let's go to my room, we can chat there and that way Luke will have some time to cool down." He let go off Nate and started walking out of the kitchen.

"Ok, I'll just finish with these and I'll be there in a few minutes." He said as he kept drying the dishes. After about two minutes had passed, he went up the stairs quietly and went into Julian's room, the second door across the hall from the stairs to the left. The firs room used to be Uncle John's room. He wanted to talk about his uncle, but he hadn't come up with the balls to ask about him. He was afraid that the subject was still hard for Jules and Dyl. He found the door was open so he just went in and found Jules sitting on his bed. "Now, do you really want to talk about it? 'Cause if you don't then I understand..." He was saying, but Nate cut him off.

"I do want to talk about it; I mean I want to see if you can help me think it over." He said.

"And why do you want me to help you?" Jules asked him.

"Because I trust you and god have I missed you..." He said as he sat down next to him and locked him in a hug.

"I've missed you too Natey." Jules said as they hugged.

Nate released him and took a deep breath. "About a month ago Luke suggested we could probably have fun bringing another guy to have sex with the two of us. He's only had sex with me so I guess I understand that he's curious but after I said no he's been getting so annoying and he flirts with anyone he can." He stopped and took another deep breath.

"And have you tried talking to him about that? I mean from what you told me he wasn't an idiot like the last guy you dated. I don't really know much of what you could do, besides from trying to talk to him about it I mean." Jules said.

"Jules, have you ever dated someone?" Nate asked him realizing he hadn't asked that since hearing Jules was gay too.

"Not really, I've fooled around with this friend from school and we've made out and stuff but that's about as far as I've gone." He answered.

"Are you trying to tell me that you're a virgin?" Nate asked him in dibelief.

Jules blushed and managed to stammer his answer. "Yeah... so?"

"No, nothing wrong, I'm just surprised that someone as good looking as you hasn't had sex by now..." Nate answered back.

"Well, you are as good looking as I am and it took you 'til senior year didn't it?" Jules reminded him.

"Yeah, but I was chubby and after I lost weight everyone in school hated me saying that I was just trying to fit in... You've always looked great and you know that." Nate told him.

"You have a great looking boyfriend, that's gotta mean you've got the looks too." Julian said blushing, they laughed a little and then Nate put his hand on Julian's righ cheek, caressing it gently. They stopped talking and looked into each other's eyes. They both knew what was coming and didn't put any effort to stop.

Luke was sure that he had heard Nate and Julian talking and now he was itching to know where Nate was. All the times they had argued before had usually ended quickly when after thinking carefully what to say, Nate would show up and talk things out with him, but this was taking too long. He knew he had been getting a little too horny over Dylan but he had never intended to cause something serious over it. He got up from the bed and took off his shoes, walking in his socks had always worked in his house to silence his steps and sneak up on his parents to listen in on them whenever he knew he was in trouble.

As he got to the door of Julian's room, he saw that the door was open. He sneaked a peek in the door and he saw Nate had his hand on a side of Julian's face and then he felt his stomach drop when they both closed the distance in between each other and kissed. Softly first, then a little more passion kicked in and then he was sure there was some tongue action going on. He couldn't stay there and watch, he took off, not so quietly, he dashed to the guest room and closed the door behind him, trying to do it quietly as to not alarm them of his brief exploration. He took a deep breath and felt dizzy as he fought not to cry.

"Damn it!" He said clenching his teeth trying not to yell.

He knew Nate liked Julian a lot, and still he hadn't even thought that there could be something else behind their whole life long friendship. He had screwed up offering the idea of a threesome just a few weeks before, knowing very well that Nate would not like the idea. Now Nate had come to the person he wanted comfort for and he could only hope that they wouldn't go any further. Would he go any further? No, not Nate, he couldn't do something like that, but then again, Luke had really pissed him off earlier pretending like he wasn't guilty of flirting with every guy on his path. He knew he was doing it, he wanted to sleep with another guy, he loved Nate but he couldn't stand the doubts he had about what it would be like to do it with someone else.

Even Martin and Brent had become a big distraction for him and Nate had tried not to give him shit about any of it, but he had stormed off a few times, and Martin had approached him about it trying to suggest a stronger control over his hormones. He had to give Martin credit, both for telling him about it and for not getting pissed after Luke had asked him to mind about his own business. He had been acting like a complete jerk to all of them, and it was just now that he was starting to recognize it.

"Hey, where did everyone go?" Dylan yelled from downstairs.

Dylan, that was his card. He ran downstairs and he was sure that he saw Nate walking out of Julian's bedroom as he dashed downstairs. He saw Dylan at the kitchen counter getting groceries out of the bags. "Hey Dylan, how was the ride?"

"Oh, hey Luke, it was ok, my friend wasn't home, and apparently I'm the only one of our little gang that didn't go out tonight." He replied.

He saw the way Dylan's biceps bulged as he moved things around and taking them out of the market bags. "Hey looks like you work out a lot." Luke said not caring how obvious his flirting was anymore, Nate had just kissed Julian and now he wouldn't take any shit from him.

"Well... yeah I gotta get them strong, don't want anyone beating me down on the football field you know." He answered blushing a little.

"I bet you're the one that usually kicks their butts huh?" He asked noticing how Dylan seemed to think more of Luke's words.

"Well, it sort of goes with the genes, Nate's arms look pretty nice now, and Julian is very fit too." Dylan answered.

Flat out rejected, nice words referring to Nate could only mean he already knew what Luke was trying to do, or he suspected it. "Yeah... Nate's been working out a lot."

"Talking 'bout me huh?" Nate said from behind them.

"I was just telling Luke how good I think you look now cos, you look a lot like we do if you come to think about it." Dylan said as he put the last of the groceries away in the cabinets and then he folded the market bags and put them in one of the counter's drawers.

"Yeah, we both think that you're... looking good..." Luke said a bit nervous.

"Well, I'm going to bed now, I'm a bit tired." Nate said, not buying the conversation.

"Yup, me too." Dylan said.

"And me three." Julian said, Luke hadn't seen he was standing behind Nate. Just how long had they been standing there?

They all went to the stairs and Luke decided to follow. He went into the guestroom and saw Nate's bag was open and he was gone, probably brushing his teeth in the restroom. He sat on the bed and started feeling anxious all of a sudden. He was screwing up big time and every time he did something wrong, he would do something even worse. He was just making everything worse... He had to do something to try and fix it, something that didn't involve another guy... Then he had an idea, it wasn't something that was a sure bet, but still it was the best solution he could think of.

Nate walked in and found Luke sitting on the bed. "I'm really tired tonight." He said as he put his tooth brush and tooth paste back in his bag.

"Awww, and here I was thinking I'd get some love before going to bed..." Luke said.

Nate looked back at him with a smirk on his face. "Well, I think you've had a lot of fun today already..."

Now he was feeling scared. He got up and got behind him, putting his arms around Nate. He started to kiss the back of Nate's neck. "Come on babe, I miss you and it's going to be fun..." He whispered to Nate's left ear.

Nate stepped away from him and looked at the floor. "You can't miss me that much, we had sex just a few days ago, and you sure have been eying a lot of guys, my cousin included..." Luke looked at the floor and Nate didn't feel like spending the night with him anymore. "Ok, I'm going to go sleep with Jules, we'll talk in the morning and this time we will talk, not yell and leave, good night Luke..."

He stood there afterwards and felt empty, and worthless. He got in bed and under the covers feeling as if he was about to cry, but still he had never felt like this before, it was as if the tears were ready to come but would not do so. "God, why do I have to screw everything up..." He said aloud before having a restless night.

The morning light came in through the window and shined on top of him, it caused his legs to glisten from the constant sun exposure they had endured for years while he lived in Austin. Now the colder weather of Missouri didn't allow him much time to go around in shorts. It was the first week of December and the cold was more than what he thought it would be. It hadn't snowed yet, but he was sure that any moment now it would start to. He didn't know exactly what he wanted to tell Luke, Jules had convinced him that the best way was to tell him straight forward that he thought it would be good for the two of them if they'd spend Christmas apart. Maybe the distance would help them clear their thoughts, come to terms with what they really wanted their relationship to be.

He was sure that the night before Dylan had saved Luke's ass, when he walked in on them at the kitchen. He noticed how Dylan's words had appeared to surprise Luke too much as for them to have really been the true topic of their conversation. The one thing that he was actually sure of was that he loved Luke, and that was what actually scared him the most. What if they spent Christmas away from each other and Luke decided he wanted it to stay that way? At the mere thought of that being the outcome of his idea, he felt his stomach turning. Still he was sure of something else, he would not let it drop and do as he had done all along with Derek, he would not be the same meek idiot he had already been allowing himself to get hurt by someone he was in love with.

He got up from the edge of the bed and looked behind him. Jules was sound asleep in his white tank top and boxers. The same sleep attire that Nate would use since he was a kid. He had realized after he knocked on the door of his room the night before that Jules was built the same as Dylan, and even though both twins acknowledged that Julian didn't work out half as much as Dylan did, he was as muscular and built as his twin. "The genes" that's how Dylan had explained it the night before, though Nate wasn't so sure his genes were as strongly related to the twins on that part.

He went out the door and closed it quietly, it was still early, he knew that, but still he couldn't sleep anymore. He went downstairs and into the kitchen. He started the coffeemaker after filling it with water, placing a new filter and putting some coffee in it. He went to the living room, thinking he could probably catch something on T.V. but as soon as he got there, he saw Luke sitting on one of the sofas. "Hey... did you sleep here?" He asked.

Luke turned around and looked like he hadn't actually slept. "No, I slept upstairs, it's just that I couldn't sleep too much so I came here a while ago..." He said before staring out one of the windows.

"Listen, I just got some coffee brewing, maybe we could go outside and talk..." Nate said.

Luke's eyes widened a bit and then he looked down. "Ok..." Was all he said before staring out the window again.

They had coffee and ate a little bread, after he saw the clock he realized why it was that he felt like he had barely slept and why Luke looked so bad. It was barely seven and the twins were still in bed. They got in Luke's car and started riding around town, after a while he remembered that Jules told him about a place where he would go to think sometimes. "Hey Luke, turn here and let's go to the end of First Street, it faces the Mississippi River, maybe it would be nice." Luke barely nodded and turned, following the street signs until they were facing the river. It looked gray and cold, just like most everything was starting to look.

They got out of the car and sat on the hood. "So, what did you want to talk about?" Luke asked him.

"Well, I know... we both know that lately things haven't been as nice as they used to be between the two of us..." He started saying.

"But they can get better, I mean... I know I can be a dickhead sometimes..." Luke started saying with his voice breaking.

"Luke, please relax, I didn't mean it that way... I do think we should consider that maybe we could use some time apart..." He tried to say.

"You mean like a break? Or is this like that bullshit of 'We should date other people' crap?" Luke asked getting suddenly angry.

"No, I mean we should just have some time to think, not breaking up, not dating anyone, just time to think." Nate answered.

"So, what's it going to be? You're gonna be spending the weekends here?" Luke asked with his voice breaking once again.

Now was the moment he had been fearing. "Actually, I was thinking it would be a good idea if I'd spend Christmas break here." He said. The silence that followed wasn't exactly what he had expected. It was worse than if Luke had gone out in anger, he was sure he could've dealt with that better than this silence. "Luke, listen I think it would be good, I mean that way we can really think of what we really want of our relationship..." He stopped when Luke got up from the hood of the car and started walking in circles.

"He fucking got these ideas in your head didn't he?" Luke suddenly yelled at him.

"Who did? What do you mean?" He asked back.

"You think I'm fucking stupid? I might have been flirting with half of Missouri and I can admit it, but I saw the two of you fucking kissing last night!" Luke yelled.

He felt like puking right there. "Luke, listen..." He started to say as he slowly approached him, but as he got in front of him Luke grabbed him by the arms and pushed him. He fell on his ass and felt like crying when he heard Luke start to yell again.

"No you fucking listen to me! I am not stupid and I might have been flirting, but I didn't kiss anyone, and after you go and get smoochie with him you want me to think all of a sudden you want a break?" He yelled before he started walking towards the car.

He covered his face in his hands and started taking deep breaths and then he heard the car engine start. He hurried to get up, and as he got on his feet, he saw Luke pull back in the car and turn around causing his tires to screech noisily. "Luke please wait!" He yelled as he ran behind the car, but it was too late. Luke took off down the street and left him there. "Great." He said aloud as he fought not to cry, then something caught his eye as the first tears streamed down his face. He extended his hand as a snowflake slowly fell in front of him and landed on his open palm. After a few minutes, the snow was falling in a steady rhythm. It was getting colder and the sweater he was wearing seemed to be quite ineffective against the cold. He walked a few blocks until he spotted a pay phone.

"Yes, he's asleep I think." Jules said on the phone. It was mid afternoon now and he still couldn't believe so much had happened while he and Julian were still sleeping. "I understand, and I'm surprised too." Julian said before pacing around the living room with the cordless phone pressed to his ear. "Thank you Martin, Nate was worried because neither one of them had much sleep last night... Yes I will tell him to call you... Thank you again, yes goodbye." He said before hanging up.

"Are you sure that this isn't my fault?" Dylan asked him.

"Dyl, we already went over this, Luke had been acting on hormones and they had been fighting even before they got here, stuff just got complicated." Julian said.

Dylan looked at the stairs. "I'm worried about him; you know he's not really sleeping." He said before looking at Julian again.

"I know, and I think we should go give him company." He answered.

"Did Martin know anything?" Dylan asked him.

"No, he said Luke's car is in the parking lot and that he doesn't answer his door, he then called Luke and the only time Luke answered he told Martin that he was ok and asked him to leave him alone." He answered.

"I think we should go to him. I swear I didn't realize he was hitting on me until last night..." Dylan said.

"Dyl, forget about it ok?" Julian asked him and grabbed his hand as he started walking to the stairs.

"I can't believe we didn't even wake up when he came by to pick his stuff Jules..." He said as they went up the stairs.

"We've always been heavy sleepers bro, now let's go help him." He said as they stood at the door of Julian's room. They opened it and went to the bed. Nate was lying in the middle of it, covering himself with the covers up to his neck and with the hood of his sweater covering his face. The snow hadn't stop falling since the morning and its shadow caused a rain of shadows to dance around the room. Julian walked to the right side of the bed and crawled in, going under the covers and putting his arm around Nate, facing Nate he held him, feeling him stiffen at first and relax after a few seconds. Dylan crawled in from the left and got under the covers holding Nate from behind.