Carla

I had wondered why Patrick would get up in the middle of the night. I'd just figured that he had a prostate problem and didn't want to disturb me, so he'd use the bathroom down the hall. I never dreamed that he was harassing Matt. I couldn't believe that he'd actually threatened my son.

I went home and piled Patrick's accumulation of clothes and toiletries in the middle of the bedroom floor, then settled on the sofa to wait for his arrival. I ran several scenarios through my mind about how to deal with him. At the moment, I wanted nothing more than to put a bullet between his eyes. I asked myself over and over again how I could have missed the signs. As I looked back, they certainly were there. I just wasn't looking for them.

When I heard Patrick's car pull into the driveway, I composed myself for the coming confrontation. I put on my best 'head nurse' persona and stood as he came through the door. Patrick smiled as he strode across the room. "You waited up for me. You shouldn't have, you need your rest," he said as he started to embrace me.

I stepped back and put a hand on his chest. "Yes, I waited up," I brusquely said. "Can you tell me, Patrick, where my son is?" I thrust Matt's note at him. "Can you explain why he left this note?"

Patrick read the note. I watched his expression go from open to hooded. He glanced at me and looked away, as he asked, "What makes you think that I had anything to do with him leaving?"

"Don't feign innocence, Patrick. It doesn't become you. What I don't understand is how you could be so loving and accepting of your brothers and father and then treat Matt like you have."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, please … Matt showed Luke his bruised solar plexus and told him about your threat."

"And you believed that scrawny little faggot?"

"Showing your true feeling now, are you?" I asked.

Behind my concern for my son, I was bewildered and my heart was breaking. I love this man standing in the middle of my living room. I'd promised to marry him. Since Matt, Sr. was killed in Iraq, I'd not even dated until I met Patrick.

God, Patrick is everything I'd want in a man - he's damned near perfect… except he's turned out to be a homophobe. I love this man, but he's threatened my son. Why? Why can't he be what he appeared to be?

I studied his face as he stood there battling with himself. He'd gone from indignant anger to remorse as he realized just what his unthinking hatred of homosexuals was causing him. Yes, I still loved the bastard, but I'm a mother first and foremost. I will protect my son.

"I've gathered your clothing and things. I think you should take them and go," I quietly said, then turned away from him and went into the kitchen.

I dropped onto a chair and listened for his leaving. For several minutes I heard nothing, then I heard him let out a heavy sigh and shuffle up the stairs to my bedroom. My emotions tore at me - confused me. How I could simultaneously want him to stay and still be furious at the way he'd treated my son. But I had to let him go. I had to somehow find Matt and bring him back home. Patrick was an adult. He was a professional - one who should know that you don't assault a minor. Yet, he had. He'd hit my baby and had threatened to kill him. Did he see Matt as a threat to his place in my life? Matt is big for his age. By the time he's twenty-five he'll probably be as big as John. But he's still not a mature adult despite his appearance. Surely Patrick could see that.

My thoughts were interrupted by Patrick's appearance in the doorway. I looked up at him through my tears. His assertiveness was gone. He looked beaten, shrunken.

"I love you, Carla," he said barely above a whisper. "Apologies are inadequate, but I do regret what I've done. When you find Matt tell him that will you?"

I numbly nodded once and he was gone. I felt drained, like I'd been KO'd. I wondered how I was going to find my son.

I'm not the kind to cry easily. I suppose it's from having been a nurse for so long. But after Patrick left, I sat down and had a good cry. How often does a woman lose her son and her fiancé in one afternoon?

As I pulled myself back together I found myself twisting Patrick's ring around my finger. I wondered why I hadn't even thought to return it to him. What kind of mother am I? I should have thrown it at him. He hit Matt. My baby's barely sixteen and Patrick punched him in the stomach, then threatened to kill him if he told me. What kind of horrible monster is Patrick?

I yanked the offensive ring off my finger and flung it across the room, then felt foolish for such a silly act. I picked it up and dropped it in a dish on the mantle. Rubbing my naked finger, I went in to make a cup of tea.

With the tea in hand, I sat down and called Pat, my once future father-in-law. Rich answered. Without even saying hello I blurted out, "Patrick just left."

"Let me get Pat on the phone."

A moment later Pat said, "We're both on. How are you holding up, Carla?"

I found myself near tears again as I recounted my showdown with Patrick.

When I finished, Rich said, "So you believe there is hope for the situation."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You didn't give the ring back, Carla."

I cursed myself for being a softy as I started to weep. "I love the man so much." Then I quickly regrouped and said, "No, I don't. I hate the man. He threatened to kill my son."

"I take it you haven't heard from Matt," Pat asked.

I was weeping again. "No… not a word."

"I took it upon myself to notify the police. I gave them a description of Matt and his motorcycle including the license plate number. They said they'd put it out state wide."

All I could do was to continue weeping.

"I guess we can only wait and pray at this point. If we can do anything, Carla, call us."

"Thanks," I whispered and closed the phone. I took my now cold tea and headed for the recliner in the living room. There was no way I could go to bed. I didn't think that I could sleep with my son out there somewhere in the night, probably cold and alone.

Luke

Without a word, Matt was gone. I don't think I ever felt so desolated and alone even back when I was living on the streets after my father kicked me out. I'd never prayed for myself, but I found myself praying for God to protect and guide the love of my life, and if possible bring him back safely to me.

Pat

After Carla left, we stayed and talked for a while making conjectures of where Matt had headed off to. Luke was bereft and inconsolable. He headed up to his bedroom soon after Carla had gone. He'd held it together quite well until then.

When Rich and I decided that we were going home, I climbed the stairs to see how my grandson was doing. He was curled up in a ball gripping one of Matt's shirts to his chest - sound asleep. I envied the boy's ability to close out the world that way. I stood in the doorway thinking about my oldest son. At one time, years ago, we'd been so close. I regretted once again, as I had many times over the years, that we'd drifted apart. Now apparently he hated me for turning to Rich after Alice died. I'd never realized that he was homophobic. I wondered where he got it from, and why it had never reared its head until Carla and her son Matt came into his life.

Sighing heavily, I sat on the edge of the big bed and caressed Luke's shoulder. He must not have been asleep for he raised his tear stained face, and his eyes were red, but he smiled at me and whispered, "I love you, GP."

"I love you, Luke. How are you doing?"

"Okay, I guess. I miss Matt, but I'm sure he's missing me just as much. I hope he's safe wherever he is."

"We all hope that, Luke. And as soon as we learn where he is, we'll have him back here safe and sound."

"You don't think Patrick was serious?"

I sighed as I thought about that. "I thought I knew my son pretty well, but I guess I really didn't. I hope and pray he wasn't serious, but I don't know. I never would have thought he'd do what he did to Matt."

"So, how can he be kept safe if Patrick really meant what he said? Maybe he'll be safer wherever he is."

"Luke, one of the first things I'm going to have to do is have a good talk with my son. I don't believe I raised him to become a killer. Maybe he needs psychiatric help. I hope I can convince him to seek it. If it all comes down to it, I'll have to insist that Matt and Carla bring charges against him. It breaks my heart to think about having to do that, but I will if I have to."

"I love you, Grandpa."

I leaned down and kissed the boy on his forehead, then stood. "I love you, Grandson. Now get some sleep if you can."

As I started out the door, Luke called out to me, "Grandpa."

I turned and looked back at him. He smiled and said, "Thank you for telling me like it is."

I smiled and nodded, then headed on downstairs.

John

After Pat and Rich left, I looked at Farr. He was lost in thought, but my studying him brought him back to the moment, and he muttered, "How dare he threaten Matt? Next it will be Luke, me or you. If Patrick were here right now, I'd beat him until he couldn't move."

Having seen Farr in action, I had no doubt that he could do it without raising a sweat. To break us out of the cycle of worry, I asked, "Are you registered as a deadly weapon?"

It worked. Farr laughed. "Maybe I should be. I am a brown belt in several schools of combat."

"Come, let's close up the house and go to bed. I need to cuddle with my deadly little weapon."

Before I could say more or rise out of my chair, Farr was on my lap with his lips plastered to mine. It always surprises me how fast my little man can move.

Farr

There's nothing like being in John's arms. For one thing, his total attention is on me. He kissed my forehead, then my nose and then ever so softly my lips. He pulled back and studied me. "I'm sorry about your brother," he murmured.

I sat back and frowned. I didn't want to think about Patrick. All it did was make me angry. "No reason for you to be sorry that the ass has finally shown his true stripes."

He studied me a moment longer, then broke into an amused grin.

"What are you grinning about?"

"Just thinking about your last statement."

He gave no more explanation as he continued to grin. It took me a moment, but I still didn't see that it was so funny. I shook my head and slid off his lap. "Let's go check on our boy." He stood, took my hand and we headed up the stairs together.

Luke

After GP left, I curled back up and clutched Matt's shirt to my nose. He'd had it on when he'd lain down to nap, and it was laying on the end of the bed when I woke up and found that he was gone.

He's usually so neat, putting his dirty clothes in my hamper. In the beginning, he used to bundle them up and take them home, but after awhile he just seemed to naturally leave them here. Since I did most of the laundry, I always took extra care to fold or hang his clothes.

I felt that he'd purposefully left this shirt on the end of the bed - leaving me something to find comfort with when he was gone.

I breathed in his scent from the shirt and drifted back to the first time I'd invited him over after school. I still wasn't sure that he was gay at that point, but I knew he was fascinated by my diminutive size. He was very curious about John and Farr, and asked dozens of questions about them and their relationship. We sat across from each other at the kitchen table and I told him what I knew about them - well, I didn't get into anything private and personal.

I was surprised when he reached across and grasped my hand. "Luke, do you think you and I could have what John and Farr have?"

I looked at his big hand, mine hidden in it. I looked into his big chocolate brown eyes and my whole being quivered. From the first moment that I'd laid eyes on Matt, I'd wanted him cuddled around me keeping me safe - protected. "Yes," I whispered, "and that's what I want."

Matt turned bright red. He blushed so easily in the beginning, but being around John and his joking eventually got him over most of it. Despite being embarrassed, he stood and offered his hand. I slid off my chair and took it. He led me into the den where he sat down in the center of the sofa and pulled me down beside him.

We talked a lot, all the time touching- holding onto each other - well, mostly Matt holding me. We eventually ended up lying on the rug watching a kung fu movie on TV with Matt curled around me, holding me - safe.

As I clutched Matt's shirt to my chest, I tried to get that feeling back. But without Matt the feeling was gone. I was alone… abandoned… desolate. Emotionally, I was back on the street, huddled in the big cardboard box, trying to ward off the creeping cold night. A light tapping on my door brought me back to reality as I glanced up to see Farr and John. I uncurled and sat up. John sat on the edge of my bed and pulled me into his arms. Farr sat beside him with his arms around us both. "It's going to be okay, Luke. Matt will come back. Remember, one of the reasons he ran was to protect you."

I looked up into John's eyes, seeing his concern for me. "Why didn't he come to you, Dad? You could have protected him."

John didn't answer right away. Then with a sigh, he said, "Maybe it's for the best that he's out of the picture for the moment - to give his mother a clear perspective of what's happening."

"She has been totally wrapped up in her romance with Patrick, ignoring Matt," I commented.

"Well, she's focused on Matt now. So… as soon as he comes back…" Farr was saying as I interrupted.

"Do you really think he'll come back?" I asked.

"Have faith in him, Luke," John said before Farr could answer. "He'll come back, if for no other reason than he loves you. It's time to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day."

"Can I sleep with you guys? It's so lonely in here." I felt like a crybaby asking, but I didn't want to be alone. For some reason all my memories of my days living on the streets were pressing at me. I didn't want to lie alone in my big bed reliving it … the guilt … the desolation … the abandonment.

Farr answered, "Sure, come on."

I left Matt's shirt on my bed and followed my dads into their bedroom, crawled under the covers in the middle of their big bed, and waited for them to snuggle me.