John

I thought that my relationship with Farr was completely fulfilling … and it is. It's just that finding Luke and bringing him into our lives opened up a whole area in me that I didn't even know existed. I wholeheartedly love my little adopted son. He is one of the most delightful people I've ever met. I love being his dad, helping and guiding him toward becoming man. I know that Farr feels the same as I do, and our love for the little guy makes the love between Farr and I just that much more all encompassing.

Sure, the kid's got a lot of hang-ups that we're all working on, but they don't impair his ebullient personality. Again - I thought my life complete, then Luke brought Matt into our lives.

From the beginning, Matt and I have had an affinity for each other. He's like the son I would have had had I been straight. He's big like me. He's a tough kid, but at the same time he's gentle and tender-hearted like I imagine myself to be.

The first time I hugged him, it was a manly one-armed hug around his shoulders - the kind of hug that wouldn't invade his space or offend his developing masculinity. It surprised me how he just kind of leaned into it, with an air of needing more.

As I learned his history and found out that his dad had been a Marine like me, but had been killed in the Mideast when Matt was ten, I began to understand that look, and took it upon myself to fill that vacancy in his life. I hugged him as often as I did Luke. I could see his struggle to resist and be strong while at the same time wanting and needing the affection.

There were times that I could see a look of longing and envy as Matt watched Luke sit on my lap when he needed a reassuring cuddle. Since Matt's much too big to cuddle on my lap, I do the next best thing and let him snuggle against my side with an arm draped over his shoulders. He may be seventeen, but at times he's still ten needing those hugs. I find it very satisfying to be able to give them to him - to be 'dad' to the boy.

As his party was coming to an end, I noticed him standing alone by the back gate admiring his new Harley, so I headed over to him. He saw me coming and grinned. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and commented, "It started out a little rough but ended up pretty good, wouldn't you say, Matt?"

He shook his head. "Pretty good doesn't begin to describe this afternoon, Dad. It was fan-fucking-tastic." He blushed and ducked his head. He then unabashedly grinned at me and said, "Excuse my language but it's the truth. I can't believe you guys gave me this."

For a moment, I watched him caress the leather seat before saying, "Believe it, Matt. We love you, Buddy."

For the first time, Matt initiated a hug. I held him until he let go of me.

"Mom told me just a while ago that my dad used to ride a big Harley until I was born, then he traded it in for a car."

"He was a new dad, Matt. He wanted his new son to have safe transportation."

Matt stared at me a moment, not really seeing me - his eyes getting watery. "I still miss him, John."

"I know you do. Always remember, Matt, you're one of the lucky ones. Your dad was a hero. I don't even know who my dad was. My mother always referred to him as the sperm donor."

Matt looked away, and eventually said, "That's why you and Luke connect like you do."

That hadn't occurred to me. Matt's astuteness stunned me.

Farr

It may have been that Luke was feeling a bit insecure and was testing us, or that he had a bad day at school - I have no idea what brought it on, but one afternoon on a day that Matt couldn't come over after school, Luke was being moody. John told him to get his chores done. That particular day's chores consisted of rolling the three barrels - garbage, recyclables and green stuff - out to the front curb for the next morning's pick up and then with the electric blower remove the leaves from the driveway and sidewalk. A half hour job at most.

When I reminded him that he needed to get it done, Luke's response was, "You'd think the only reason you adopted me was for slave labor."

John, who up until then had never really had to reprimand Luke, looked at him sternly and said, "Attitude like that can get you some serious downtime, Boy."

Luke with his arms akimbo, his fists on his hips, glared defiantly at John. "You're just a big bully. You're no better than those men that used me on the street."

John blanched. The big man literally staggered backwards like he'd been pole axed. He looked at me - devastated, then turned and walked into the living room. I'd been stirring a sauce at the stove. I turned off the burner and turned to face Luke. "I think you'd better go to your room. Stay there until you change your shitty attitude. "

Luke tried to stare me down. I raised my arm and pointed towards the stairs. "Go! Now!"

Luke's frown deepened, but he turned and headed up the stairs, stomping each step. I headed for the living room to find John slumped in a chair with his hands over his face. "Are you alright?" I asked.

He lowered his hands and looked at me, "What did I do?"

"What makes you think you did anything?"

"I must have."

I pushed his legs apart and sat on one of his thighs - that's the easiest way to talk to him face to face. "John, the shrink told us to be prepared for outbursts like this. You did nothing to deserve that comment. I think that after Luke has time to think about it, he'll apologize."

"I love the kid so much. I'd do anything for him."

"He knows that. Look… maybe, the best thing to do is go with him on his next visit to the psych doc. The two of you talk it out with him."

John nodded. I kissed him, slid off his lap and went back to the kitchen to finish preparing a Bolognaise sauce for dinner that evening.

A few minutes later, John wandered in and gave me a hug. "I'm going over to Rich and Pat's. I need to talk to your dad. Don't wait for me."

I watched him shuffle out the door. Seeing my big man brought to his knees like this infuriated me, but I contained my fury, set the kitchen table for two, then set out the makings for sandwiches for a snack to hold our teenager until dinner time. I stood at the base of the stairs and fumed for a moment, then forcing myself to calm down and deal with the situation in an adult manner, I headed up to knock on Luke's door. "Your snack is ready, Luke. Wash your hands and come on down."

"I'm not hungry," I heard him mumble.

I opened his door to see him lying on his stomach with his face buried in his pillow. I sat on the edge of his bed, placed a hand on his back and rubbed. "I don't know what the problem is, but starving yourself isn't going to solve it. Come on, wash your face and come eat."

Luke sat up and looked at me with tears coursing down his cheeks. "I don't know why I said that. I'm so horrible. I hurt him, when he's only been good and loving to me. I can't face him, Dad."

"You don't have to face him, Luke… John left. Go wash your face and come on down."

"John left? Oh, no. Where did he go? We've got to go find him. I've got to apologize to him."

"He went over to talk to GP. He'll be back." (I'd over heard Luke refer to Dad as GP while talking to Matt, so I just started using it, too - so much shorter than Granddad Pat.)

He hung his head, looking very remorseful. "I really did hurt him, didn't I?"

"Yeah, Luke, you really did."

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what got into me. Why would I say something like that?" He covered his face with his hands and wept.

My anger had completely dissipated, and my heart was aching for my little son. I pulled him to me and just held him until he was cried out. Eventually, he pulled away, slid off the bed and trudged into the bathroom. I watched him for a moment, then headed down to the kitchen.

Conversation was nil. He nibbled at the sandwich, then dumped the rest of it, washed his plate, and went out to do his chores. When he came back in, I was in the den with some soft music playing, an open book in my lap. He stopped in the doorway and I glanced at him. "I'll be in my room," he said. "Please let me know when John comes home."

Around six, I asked Luke if he'd like some Spaghetti Bolognaise. That's his favorite dish. He refused, saying he wasn't hungry. Since the sauce was ready, it wouldn't take much effort to reheat it and cook the pasta later, so I left him to himself and went back to my book.

John

After leaving the house with the intention of going over to Pat and Rich's, I ended up miles away, headed towards Sausalito. I came to my senses on the bridge and pulled into a turn out. I stared out over the bay - back towards the city, with Oakland on the far side, not really seeing any of it.

I don't think that I'd ever been so vulnerable to a hurt in my life. I doubt that Farr could have hurt me any worse, not that he ever would. But Farr and Luke are my life - my reason for living.

I was in my shirt sleeves without a jacket watching the fog tumble over the hills and slide down over the city. The slight breeze was chilly, and I eventually became aware of where I was and that I'd been out of it for hours. To head back home, I had to go all the way to the Sausalito side before I could turn around and head back across the bridge towards the city.

Farr

It was long after dark when John returned. Luke must have been listening for John's motorcycle. He was standing just inside the den door when John came in. John walked past him, gave me a kiss and said, "I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted." He walked out of the room right past Luke again, like he wasn't even there, and headed up the stairs. Luke literally crumpled to the floor.

I pulled him to his feet and held him with his head on my shoulder. "What am I going to do, Dad? It's like I don't exist. I didn't even get a chance to apologize."

"Give him some time, Luke. He loves you. He'll come around."

"I hope so. I love you guys so much. I'm really sorry I said that mean thing to him."

"I'm sure he knows that, Son. Let him sleep on it."

"I guess I'll just go on to bed." He trudged up the stairs. I watched until he disappeared into his room, then I locked up the house, turned off the lights and followed.

John was lying on the bed, still fully clothed. He glanced at me, then continued staring at the ceiling. I closed the door and leaned back against it. When John didn't look my way, I said, "Luke is really torn up. You didn't even give him a chance to apologize."

"He hurt me. I didn't do anything to deserve what he said."

He sounded like a little boy, but I didn't feel like catering to him. "Did you talk to Dad?"

"No, I just rode around - rode over to Sausalito, stopped on the bridge and just sat and looked back at the city."

I sighed. He then looked at me and held out his arm. I crawled on top of him, and he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. "I love you, Babe."

"I love you, too, Big Guy."

He sighed and rubbed a hand up and down my back. When he didn't say anything, I sat up. He looked at me. "I guess I have only one question, John."

He raised his eyebrows, waiting.

"Who is the adult in this?"

He closed his eyes for a moment, then rolled to the side, depositing me on the bed, sat up, then stood. "You're right. I'll be back," he growled, imitating our Governator. If he could joke, I guess he was okay. I headed down to the kitchen and put a large pot of water to boil. I figured if everything went well, they'd both be starved in a few minutes.

John

Farr's question made me realize that I was being childish. I'd been pouting because my little son hurt my feelings. Feeling foolish, I knocked on Luke's door. I heard a muffled reply, and took it as permission to enter. I opened the door and stuck my head in, "Luke? Can we talk?" I asked.

He rolled off the bed, grabbed me around my knees and started blubbering, "I'm sorry Dad. I didn't mean it. I don't know what got into me. I didn't mean to hurt you. Please forgive me."

I lifted him onto his bed and sat on the edge of it. He crawled onto my lap, wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face against me. "I love you, Dad. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm ashamed I said that horrible thing to you. Please tell me you forgive me. I promise I'll never say another mean thing to you again. Please, Dad."

I rubbed his back waiting for him to calm down while I pulled my 'adult' to the fore. When he sighed, I asked him to talk to me about what happened to cause him to say what he had.

He was silent for a bit, then shook his head against my chest. "It was just a bad day. My teachers were all getting on my case. I guess I was acting out like one of them said. Guess I'm lucky I didn't get sent to the principal's office." He let out a big sigh. I continued to rub his back, not commenting. "Sometimes … when I think about the past … I just get so down. It's like…why does anyone even like me, you know? Like … I'm not worth the life you and Farr have given me."

"Luke, I think you know us well enough to know that if you weren't worth it, we would have left you where we found you. We love you, Luke. We want the best of life for you … even when you're having a bad day."

"I love you, Dad." He murmured against my chest. His stomach growled.

"Didn't you eat dinner?" I asked.

He shook his head.

"I didn't eat either. Let's go raid the refrigerator."

Luke slid off my lap with a big grin, wiped his wet cheeks with his fists and forearms before grabbing my hand. We could smell food as we entered the kitchen to discover Farr standing at the stove stirring a big pot of boiling water. The kitchen table was set for three. He didn't say anything as he turned and smiled at us.

Luke walked up to him and hugged him, saying, "You're the best, Dad."

I wrapped my arms around the two of them. "I love you two."

Farr

In the beginning of my relationship with John, I often had to fight off a feeling that we - John at six six, me at four eight - were a freak show when we were out in public. Back in those days, I candidly watched John for his reaction to all the people, especially the big men, staring at us when we'd walk down the street. For the most part, there wasn't any reaction. He seemed to simply ignore it, except for one or two a-holes that got in our faces. Those people would probably go to great lengths to keep their noses in their own business after John got through with them. He never laid a hand on them, but let's just say John would have made a great Master Sergeant.

After a while, I became inured to the stares, the looks of surprise and curiosity, and thought nothing more of it. John was what was important in my life, not those rude strangers that stared.

Then Luke came into our lives, and I again became aware of it - the mother hen syndrome, you know. But Luke has never been bothered by the difference between his size and John and Matt's. Rather, he seems to glorify in it. Since Matt came into his life, he obviously relishes being small. That's not to say that he's unaware of how big people treat him. But he takes it in stride and handles each one as it comes.

It had been awhile since I'd put conscious thought into the subject. Then one Sunday afternoon Rafe and Tommy were over. Tommy was in the den with Luke and Matt. I was puttering around in the kitchen putting some snacks together. Rafe and John were stretched out on the deck lounging in the sun.

Those two men had a closeness that I suppose comes only from experiencing the horrors of war. They'd been Marines in the Middle East fighting side by side. Anyway, I suppose they didn't realize that I could hear their conversation.

I wasn't paying much attention to it until Rafe commented, "You know, John, I've been watching you and Farr for nearly four years now. I just don't get it.

"I mean you're a big man. We used to have a lot of fun rompin' in bed together. I love the feel of a big man's body next to mine. I always thought you felt the same. Then along comes this tiny little dude and… man, it's like you just did an about face. What is it you get out of it?"

I stopped what I was doing and moved closer to the open door to hear John's answer. It was something I'd always been curious about, but had never asked John myself.

John's words were slow in coming out, like he was analyzing each one. "I've always enjoyed sex, but for the most part, I always kept it to my close friends like you and Rich. I suppose that I'd never have realized what I was missing if Farr hadn't come into my life."

"I get that part. I don't mean anything offensive saying this… it just that what I don't understand is… how you don't seem to feel like a freak show when you're out in public. You're so big and they… Farr and Luke are so tiny."

I moved to where I could see John's face. His countenance darkened.

"I am well aware that most people see us that way. I never realized that you might. I-"

"Hey now, wait a minute, John, I don't… I really don't see you guys that way, but I can't help but see how other people look at you guys."

"And that makes you uncomfortable."

"Truthfully, it did at first. But after thinking about it, I just figure fuck'um if they don't like it. Farr is such a cool guy, I'd probably beat the shit out of anyone that put him down."

I watched John's expression ease. "Yeah, I went through the same thing. I think back to the day I first met my little man. It freaked me out the way I was attracted to him. I literally ran from him."

Rafe chuckled. "I remember. You were one freaked out dude for a while."

"I've probably told you this before, but when I walked into his shop and saw him again… it was like I'd finally come home. You know what I mean?"

Rafe grinned at him and nodded. "Yeah, like a comfortable old shoe that fits your foot perfectly."

I grabbed up a bowl of chips and another of salsa and stepped out the door. I set them on the table between the two men, put my fists on my hips and smirked at Rafe. "Old shoe, am I?"

Rafe started to stutter an apology, but John interrupted. "Hey, Ol' Shoe, how about a couple more beers … then come out and join us?" I raised an eyebrow at him. He grinned impudently and added. "It's a compliment, you know."

I kissed him. And before he could grab me, I danced away from him. "You're right on, Rafe. We really do fit each other like a comfortable pair of old shoes." I headed back to take chips and salsa to the boys in the den.

When I returned to the deck with three beers, I pulled up a chaise.

"Come sit with me, Babe," John urged.

I grinned and winked at Rafe as I scooted up snuggly between John's legs and lay back against him. I sipped from my bottle and listened to them discuss the merits of one of the Giants' pitchers. A few minutes later, Tommy joined us. He looked at the chaise I'd abandoned, then at us. Rafe spread his legs and Tommy chose to sit between them. I noticed that they had one advantage over John and I; they only had to turn their heads to kiss. I wondered if John noticed, then mentally shrugged, it didn't matter. I sighed contently. 'Old shoe, indeed.'

Luke

Tommy's a cool dude. Sometimes I get the feeling that he's more our age than my dads'. Matt and I were playing a game on the 'puter when Tommy joined us. I guess he got bored after awhile, 'cause he eventually left.

When Matt had to take a bathroom break, I went into the kitchen to get some more chips. Glancing out at the deck, I saw my dads, Rafe and Tommy, who's a good four inches shorter than Rafe, lying on a couple of chaises. It was so cool seeing how the two smaller men were relaxing against their mates. Even after two years of living with John and Farr, I get all emotional sometimes when I watch the way they love each other. I know the odds are pretty much against Matt and I staying together forever, but it's something I'll die striving for. I hope Matt will always feel the same.

As I stood there watching, I felt Matt's arms slide over my shoulders and cross against my chest as he pulled me snuggly against his body.

"Do you imagine us like that in ten or twenty years?" he softly asked.

I grasped his wrists, tilted my head back and looked up at him. His eyes were misty as he looked down at me. "Yeah, I do. I love you, Matt."

He tightened his hold. "I love you, too, Babe."

We stood there watching for a moment, then Matt said, "Let's go out and join them."

I grabbed the bowl of chips and followed him out. Matt pulled a chaise around, settled into it, spread his legs and held out his arms to me. I snuggled back against him and pulled his arms across my chest. Conversation had stopped, and I glanced at the two other couples who were simply watching us with happy smiles on their faces.

I grinned and winked. That got a chuckle, and conversation resumed. It was just so grand the way they accepted us. Yeah, I could easily see Matt and me doing this twenty years down the road.