John

Christmas had never been one of my favorite holidays. With my ultra religious mother it was an experience I never wanted to repeat after I left home. Rafe and Tommy always had a nice tree, even Rich and Dad had put up one for their first Christmas together. Farr had noted my reticence and how I went into my protective shell our first Christmas together and didn't push me on it. We had visited our friends and his brothers - had a meal together and let it go.

I was amazed though at the way Dan and Pete went all out exuberantly decorating their home for the holiday. Since their mother's death they'd become the center for family gatherings. I was made to feel that I was as much part of the Bailey family as any of the brothers. I received a small gift from each of the brothers, and I noted that Farr had put my name with his on each little gift he gave his brothers. It all helped to warm the frozen feelings I had towards the holiday.

The next year I got more into the spirit, and though we still did no decorating around the house, I found a special little gift for each Bailey and included a personal note to each one expressing my appreciation for having been made a member of the family. My buddies still got a bottle of single malt with a red ribbon around the neck of the bottle.

Then Luke came into our life. Farr just stared open-mouthed at me when I came home one evening with a big evergreen in the back of my pickup. Luke was acting like a little kid he was so excited.

"Wow, a real tree. And it's so big. All I've ever had was a little two foot artificial one that my mother bought for my sixth Christmas. It didn't have many decorations left on it by the time I was fourteen. I guess my father has thrown it away by now.

"Where are your decorations? Can we put them on it tonight?"

His excitement was contagious. And I felt like an idiot when Farr repeated the question, "Where are your decorations?"

I didn't have any, and I hadn't even thought to buy any. So, after unloading the tree, the three of us piled into my pickup and headed for the nearest Target. Farr was all for white lites and silver balls, but Luke wanted color, so Farr ended up buying a small tree for his shop window with white lites and small silver balls, and we ended up with a dozen strings of multicolored lites, a box of balls in each available color, miles of silver rope and a big gold star for the top of the tree. Like I said, Luke's excitement was contagious.

When we got back to the house, we cleared the big bay window and stood the tree in it. Thanks to Farr, we had purchased a tree stand. While Luke and I strung lites, Farr fixed us a dinner of finger foods that we could stop and have a bite of in between hanging the balls. It was one in the morning when I held Luke aloft so he could place the star on the top. Exhausted but happy, we were all thankful the next day was Sunday so we could sleep in.

That was the best Christmas. The whole family came to our home for Christmas Eve dinner. Dan and Pete stayed with Rafe and Tommy. Will and Reese spent the night with us, while Patrick went home with Dad and Rich. They all came back early the next morning for breakfast and to witness Luke's first Christmas with us. Everyone went overboard finding gifts for our little son, then took great delight in watching him open each one. Yeah, that was my best Christmas ever.

The next big event would be Luke's birthday in late April. It was in mid February that Rich brought up the subject of adoption again.

"He could legally be your son by his sixteen birthday," Rich said. "That would be a grand birthday present for him."

I looked at Farr who looked gobsmacked, then glanced at Dad who winked and smiled at me. I hadn't dared dream of this happening. I didn't know how Farr felt on the matter, or even if Luke would want to be our son.

"Is this something that only one of us can do, or can we do it together?"

I looked back at my little mate who was looking at Rich who replied, "Whichever way you want to do it. I've gotten you both approved."

Farr looked at me, then smiled. "I don't even have to ask. I know this is something you want."

I blinked back some stupid tears and nodded.

"Me, too," he said.

I pulled him into my arms and whispered in his ear, "Hey, Little Daddy."

He pulled back and punched me in the chest. "I ain't gonna say it," he said with a big grin.

I pulled him back into a big bear hug and said, "You don't have to, I know who I am."

He tried to pull away so he could punch me again. I held him tight. Rich and Dad were grinning and shaking their heads.

"Hey, we have to ask Luke if he wants this. What if he doesn't?" Farr said.

"Why wouldn't he?" Pat asked. "He already calls both of you Dad, and Rich and I Gramps." Rich grinned at the long standing joke.

"So, how long will this take, if Luke approves?" I asked.

"And how much is this going to cost us?" Farr added.

"Well, I've already done a lot of the preliminary work. We'll just have to take it one step at a time."

'A perfect lawyer answer,' I thought to myself.

"As for costing you, as soon as the adoption is legal the State stops its monetary support and supporting Luke will be totally in your hands."

"Those checks have all been deposited in a college fund for Luke," I said.

"And your fees, Rich?" Farr asked.

Rich cocked his head to one side and stuck his chin out. "It's gratis, a gift of two wonderful dads for my soon to be legal grandson."

I just gawked at Rich. My eyes blurred with tears of love and gratitude. Farr flew across the room and flung his arms around Rich's neck. "No wonder your John's best friend and my dad's lover. You're the best, Rich, thank you."

"It's a totally selfish move on my part. No thanks needed, Farr."

I pulled Rich out of his chair and hugged him. "Ditto on what Farr said," I whispered in his ear.

"And ditto on what I answered back," he whispered to me.

Farr

The morning of our flight to Glendale, Luke was acting like we were going on a holiday. We'd each previously spent several hours being thoroughly interviewed again by CPS people. Luke had been really depressed after his time with them, and I suspected that his exuberant behavior now was just to cover up his anxiety.

Rich and Dad made a point to be on hand to cheer him up after his CPS interview. I really think that the two of them would happily adopt the boy if we didn't. Dad really dotes on him. He's gotten some good mileage out of kidding my two straight brothers that he had to leave it up to his youngest gay son to give him a grandson. I suspect that it slightly wounded Patrick that he had failed to do so with that ice princess from Santa Barbara. But personally, Patrick and his offspring were lucky that the bitch is out of the picture. Will had told me that Patrick was dating a really sweet woman, but he hasn't introduced her to us yet. Will and Reese are soon going to be trying for a grandchild; they're getting married in August.

I suppose that since we are gay and Luke is, too, CPS spent an extra amount of time determining that everything was going to be above board with us. John told me after his interview that he'd told the agent that he was an ex marine and had been trained by the U.S. Government to kill, and that he would willingly use his training on anyone who ever tried to molest Luke.

Anyway, back to Luke. It wasn't until we got to the intersection of the 5 and the 134 freeways that Luke suddenly became quiet and gripped my hand. Dad noticed the change in his demeanor and wrapped an arm around his shoulders as he whispered, "It's going to be okay, Son."

When we exited the freeway onto San Fernando Rd and drove into a rundown industrial area. Luke sat up straight and asked where we were going.

"Didn't you live here?" This is where your father lives, Luke. Rich said.

"No, we lived in a house above downtown."

When we pulled up in front of the tenement/apartment building, Luke's expression got darker. We watched the man sitting on the stoop stand and walk towards the car. Luke was scrunched up as close as he could get to Dad and was furiously clutching my hand. He'd lost all expression on his face. It was as if he'd left... wasn't there.

The man visibly cringed when John crawled out of the car and stretch to his full height. And I saw a momentary fleeting expression of yearning to see his son before Rich introduced himself and his face turned stony as he responded, and I suspected that the man regretted having abandoned Luke. Still, it quickly became obvious that he wanted to be done with this whole situation.

Rich, John and Mr. White crossed the street and disappeared into a café, Luke relaxed.

"Once your father signs the papers, we only have to go through the court formalities and you'll legally be our son, Luke," I quietly told him.

He studied my face, then with a tenuous smile, said, "It's really going to happen... isn't it?"

I nodded. I knew he was feeling the pain of being rejected by his father all over again. It was something I couldn't stop from hurting him.

As we sat there waiting, I imagined what it would be like to slowly have your love for your father eroded to the point that you end up hating him. As I thought about it, Luke White was being re-born Luke Bailey-Reed. Luke chose that name for himself. I learned later that he'd asked John, just as he'd asked me, if we were to get married what last name would we take. We'd never discussed it, but our answers were the same - Bailey-Reed.

I don't think it was even ten minutes before there was a tap on the street side window and Rich was saying, "Mr. White would like to say goodbye to Luke."

I opened my door and urged Luke to exit on my side - the passenger side. I figured that might give him time to compose himself for this last confrontation with his father. Dad must have read my mind, because he made no move until Luke was getting out on the sidewalk, then he opened his door and exited on the street side.

John moved to stand behind Luke as he approached White. Luke still showed no emotion as he stopped in front of his father. I looked at White whose eyes were rheumy from years of imbibing too much and full of tears that threatened to spill. Face to face, three feet apart, Luke refused to look up at his father's face, choosing instead to stare at his chest.

White cleared his throat, his body jerked like he wanted to touch the boy standing before him, but his hands clinched and he said, "We all make mistakes in life, Luke. I'm sorry for what I did to you. Maybe you can someday forgive me."

He stood there a moment longer, then his shoulders slumped, he stuck his hands in his pockets and turned away to meander back across the street, leaving us to watch the man, defeated by life, disappear around the corner. The yearning look on Luke's face tore at my heart, but then he turned and buried his face in John's stomach. He started sobbing, letting loose the tight rein he'd held so tightly on his emotions. John knelt and wrapped the boy in his strong loving arms. I heard him murmur, "You're my son now, Luke. I love you unconditionally." Luke nodded his head.

I must have been looking left out, John looked at me, grabbed me into a hug along with Luke, who wrapped an arm around me.

"I love you, Farr," John said as he sought my lips. We kissed right there on the street with Luke hugging the two of us while Dad and Rich looked on. Luke kissed me on the cheek, giggling, he whispered "I love you, too, Dad." I certainly didn't feel left out after that.

John

I didn't expect it to be easy; and I supposed it would take a year or so for them to make this all happen, but I underestimated Rich's abilities.

Less than two hours after we left San Francisco we were pulling up in front of a squalid two story apartment building. I was in the front passenger seat, and I got out of the car as soon as it stopped. My intention was to intimidate the man with my size. He visibly cowered, but still moved to look into the car, apparently looking for his son.

When I was introduced to White, he looked me up and down with a slight sneer on his face, nodded and stepped off the sidewalk. I don't know if he had seen his son sitting in the back seat, but it seemed to me that he didn't care at that point.

In the café over cups of coffee, I watch Rich lead the man through a stack of papers signing away all his rights of parenthood to Luke. I watched the man say good bye to the boy that had been his son, then wander off across the street and out of my boy's life. Luke crumpled into my arms and I comforted him, assuring him that he'd be my son forever.

For a moment, I forgot about the love of my life being there, but a gentle hand on my shoulder brought me back to the moment and I pulled Farr into the hug with our son.

Matt

I'd stayed over at their place until ten the night before Luke and his dads and granddads went down to L.A. to get papers signed by his real dad. Luke was a bag of mixed emotions that evening. We lay on his bed listening to music and talking. He was elated that the adoption was going to happen, and heartbroken and angry that his real dad was willing to sign away his rights to be his father. He was at the same time ecstatic that John and Farr were going to be his new dads for real. He was nervous worrying about whether his real dad would sign the papers or not. Rich told him that there was no way he wasn't going to sign, because if he didn't he was going to end up in jail. I wanted to spend the night cuddling and assuring Luke that everything was going to go smoothly, but I had to be in school the next day. I wished I could believe it when I got in my lonely bed that night. I spent the night tossing around worrying about Luke's future

Luke called me as soon as they landed back here. I met them at the curb when they got home. I made a point of hugging Rich and thanking him for all he's done for my little guy.

We all had dinner together and then Luke and I went to his room for some alone time. He told me about how his dad just looked at him, then made some comment and just walked away. What a loser. How could he do something like that to someone as sweet as my Luke? That evening, he told me some of how his life was before he'd gotten kicked out - about his mom dying when he was still a little boy, and about his mom's mother trying to take care of him, and his dad who was always drinking and fighting with her. He told me that his grandmother died just a few months before he got kicked out. I thought it was at least a good thing that his dad never beat on him. If he had, I think I would have found a way to go down there myself and do something to the miserable ol' creep.

I felt envious of Luke getting two such wonderful dads, but after thinking about it, I was happy he was. Besides, John and Farr treat me like I'm their son as much as Luke. Still…

I thought a lot about what I could remember of my dad. A big framed photo of him - so handsome in his uniform with his two silver bars prominently displayed on his shoulders - sat on the mantle in our living room. What I remember most about my dad was sitting on his lap while he read to me at night before I had to go to bed, and him playing catch with me in the back yard. I was never very good at it, but he always made me feel good even when I missed the catch. I remember him hugging me and giving me a hard kiss on my cheek before he ran to catch his plane that took him over to the Mid East where he got killed. I remembered his casket with the flag draped over it. Mom told me that one day she'd give me the flag.

Farr

Our appearance in court for the adoption was just a week before Luke's birthday, so we decided to have a big family get-together the Saturday after his birthday to celebrate both events.

Matt made sure that his mother Carla had plenty of time to arrange for the day off. She hadn't been to one of our Bailey gatherings. She'd met Will and Reese, but my three oldest brothers she had yet to meet. I worried a bit about how she'd take to Dan and Pete since they were lovers. I never gave a thought to how she'd react to my oldest brother Patrick.

Well, she never even blinked when introduced to Dan and Pete. But then they come across as two of the straightest men you'd want to meet. They are farmers after all. If she figured out they were lovers, the way they were always touching and caring for each other's needs, she never let on.

But when introduced to Patrick she blushed. And Patrick who is always a bit reserved - Dad says he's stuffy - held her hand and effusively told her what a lovely mother Matt has. He stayed in constant attendance to her all afternoon and evening, and then offered to drive her home since she'd arrived with Matt who wasn't ready to leave.

I caught Matt watching Patrick and his mother several times. He gave no hint of how he was feeling. Later after everyone had left or retired for the night, I caught up with Matt in the kitchen getting a glass of water, and asked him how he felt about his mother being courted.

He stared into his glass for a moment, then without looking up he said, "She's still young. Dad's been gone a long time. Patrick's a Bailey, but I'm too old to be adopted."

Before I could ask for a clarification, he'd headed for Luke's room where he was spending the night.

Matt

I was surprised at the way Mom reacted to Farr's oldest brother Patrick. Like magic, she suddenly looked and acted years younger than she was. I've often heard her and my grandparents say that she was only seventeen when my dad, a young lieutenant in the Marine Corp, swept her up and married her. I was born soon after.

I'd heard a good bit about Patrick listening to Farr, his dad, and sometimes his other brothers, but I'd never met him until the night of Luke's party. What can I tell you? I'm a young horndog. Farr is handsome, his dad is too - for an older man - and his two farmer brothers are walking wet dreams. (Note: Luke just hit me on the head while reading this over my shoulder.) That leaves Will who is handsome, too, but in a different way from his brothers. Maybe it's because he's a college professor and has to look the part, plus he has more of an Irish look than his brothers who look Italian.

Patrick is kind of a mix of Italian and Irish and he's probably the most handsome of the bunch. I could certainly see why Mom was so taken with him. Throughout the evening I was preoccupied with watching them. I'd never seen Mom flirt before. She reminded me of the girls at school the way they used to flirt with Ben when he was still going to my school. Shameless. That's how I heard one teacher describe their actions. But Patrick wasn't reacting like Ben used to do, but then he's not gay either.

Luke thought it was cool the way the two of them were getting along. To me it was looking like it could get serious, and that worried me. I don't need a stepfather at my age. Still, if Patrick makes my mother happy who am I to object? In three years I'll be off to college somewhere, leaving Mom alone.

John

The dynamics between Luke and the two of us changed that day in Glendale when Luke's father signed away his rights as his father. Although both of us had been named his foster parents, it was me that he turned to for security and comforting. I thought that since he and Farr were near the same size, it would be Farr that took that role, and I'd been prepared just to play 'back up.' The first not so subtle sign that things were changing was when he called Farr by his name and then moments later addressed me as Dad. I saw how Farr reacted to this, but I let it go and continued as things had been.

Farr

In the months after the adoption, there was a subtle change in the way that Luke and I related to each other. In the beginning it was he and I that interacted most as parent and child. John, for the most part, stood back and let it happen. But he was always there to offer love and comfort to the boy when he needed it.

I'm not sure Luke was aware that he turned more and more to John as his father figure, or that he treated me more and more as his buddy… his older brother. Oh, I still got on his case when he got out of line, and Luke obeyed me, but still there were those subtle little differences that steadily became more apparent. John seemed to move naturally and unconsciously into the position of being our son's dad.

I can't say that I wasn't hurt by it. I wanted so much for Luke to be my son. I even discussed it with John, who told me that he'd step back and let me be totally in charge of the boy. I've got to say here that John is the most loving, empathetic, kind, selfless man I've ever met. And I thank the 'powers that be' that he is my pard in life. Pard -that's one of John's words; I guess it's Texan Speak.

When Luke immediately noticed that John had stepped back, he demanded to know what he'd done wrong. John looked at me, begging silently to be forgiven as he pulled the boy onto his lap and hugged him. I shrugged and went into the kitchen, leaving them to straighten out the mess I'd made, but I stopped just inside the kitchen door to listen.

"You've done nothing wrong, Lukey. I just thought that you and Farr should be closer and was giving you guys some space."

"I'm close to Farr, Dad. He understands the things I have to go through being small. He's great about helping me understand those things and I'm learning to deal with them. But he's not a big huggy bear like you. I know I'm just a big booby, but I never got a hug from my father. All I ever got from him was a pat on the head once in a while. You give good hugs, Dad. You make me feel protected and loved. I know Farr loves me, and I love his hugs, too… but he's just not big like you."

For a moment I resented that I wasn't a big huggy bear, but then I ruefully told myself to deal with it, grinned to myself and shrugged. Luke had needs that came before mine. I knew the boy had come to love and trust me, and I could well understand his feelings and need for John and his big bear hugs. But still… well, hell, I'd just have to deal with it.

John

Farr was obviously depressed when we went to bed that night. I was feeling like I'd done something I shouldn't have. We got in bed and snuggled together with Farr's back against me. When I rubbed my fingers through the soft hair on his chest and belly, he took my hand in both of his and held it against his chest.

"I'm sorry, Farr. I don't know how it's happened or how to change it," I said.

He rolled over in my arms to face me. "You haven't done anything wrong." He punched me in the center of my chest to make his point. I'm continually surprised I don't have a permanent bruise from him doing that.

"I didn't mean to usurp your position."

"You didn't," he said and started to punch me again, but I caught his fist in my hand and kissed it. "Luke made the choice, and I totally understand. If I were him, I'd choose you to be my big huggy bear daddy, too."

I realized then that he'd overheard Luke. I smiled; thankful he'd given me a way to get him out of the dumps. "I can be your huggy bear daddy, too," I murmured./p>

He drew back his fist, and I caught it again as he said emphatically, "I've got a daddy."

I pulled him tightly to me. "I know."

I could feel him growing down below, and it instantly pushed my 'inflate' button.

Then he whispered as he pressed against me, "You're my big huggy bear lover."

I growled and proceeded to lovingly maul him.

Later as I wiped us clean, I asked Farr, "So, are you comfortable with the roles our boy has chosen for us."

"Of course I am," he replied, but I still had a niggling of doubt.

The next morning Luke was sitting at the kitchen table eating his breakfast when I walked in. Farr glanced up from the skillet of scrambled eggs and grinned at me. I leaned down and met his lips with mine. "I love you, HB," he murmured.

"Love you, Babe," I responded. I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down next to our boy.

He glanced at me with a mouth full of oatmeal and toast, and raised a smart-assed teenager eyebrow as he swallowed. Soon as his mouth was free of food, he asked, "HB?"

I looked at him and shrugged. I glanced at Farr as he slid my breakfast across the table before sitting down. He picked up the pepper and shook some on his eggs, then glanced up at me, and then Luke. "You named him, Luke. Think about it?"

I could almost see the gears turning in Luke's brain. His countenance was frowny for a moment before it brightened, and then he turned bright red. Farr grinned evilly.

"You heard what I said last night," Luke accused.

For a moment, Farr looked guilty, then sympathetic. "I totally understand your position and needs, Son. I wish I was big, just for you."

I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing as I watched Luke stir his oatmeal. He glanced up at me, then looked at Farr. "It could be a problem if you were. I need you just as you are, Dad. You understand me." He glanced at me, then turned back to Farr. "Although John loves me, I don't think that he'll ever understand what it means to be small. You understand, Dad, 'cause you are small like me. Don't you get what that means to me?"

Farr glanced at me, then looked back at Luke.

"John gives me comfort and safety." Luke continued. "You, Dad, give me understanding that no one else can begin to fathom."

My head spun. I never expected something as profound as that from a sixteen year old.

Farr's eyes glistened. "I love you, Luke," he said.

"I love you, too." Luke said then looked at me, "You too, HBD." It only took me a moment to figure out the meaning. It amazed me how this kid could get to me like he does.

Farr

There are moments when dealing with Luke that I feel like he's the parent. After that insightful conversation at the breakfast table, Luke would address us each as 'Dad' and when talking to me about John, John became HBD. I remained Farr when he was talking to John. I certainly never felt left out of being 'Dad' to him again.

Luke had taken an immediate liking to my dad when they first met. And to John's dismay he started calling Dad, Grampa. Dad, of course, made the most of it, teasing John by calling Rich, Gramps whenever John was around. Rich and Dad spent a lot more time in our home after Luke came into our lives. When Dad was around, you could bet that Luke was with him.

Luke told us that he'd never had a grandfather. If he did, he knew nothing about him. I wondered how people could so totally lose contact with their roots. I guess dysfunctional families do that, and I was just thankful that my family, as different as it was with three gay brothers, functioned healthily.