John

Sunday morning after a restless night of fighting rapists, I wandered into the kitchen and fed an irate cat, then put on some coffee. While it did its drip thing, I sat listlessly at the table until Spike jumped up on the table and butted his head against mine. I lifted him onto my chest and caressed him like I'd seen Farr do so many times. Spike purred and rubbed his face against my bristly chin. I've never figured out whether he's petting me or himself when he does this, but at the moment, I needed it to be him loving me.

Around eight, I couldn't stand it any longer and called Rich's, wanting to talk to my Farr. Dad answered the phone and gently explained that Farr couldn't talk to me. He assured me that Farr loved me, but at the moment, he needed to distance himself. He then told me that I needed to be patient… that Farr would be back.

I closed my phone at a loss of what to do. Farr had become the center of my life. Now, he didn't want to see or talk to me. I felt guilty, but I couldn't tell you why. I'd done nothing to deserve being treated this way. I vacillated between anger and an overwhelming sadness. Enervated by the situation, I collapsed into the recliner and spent the day listlessly vegetating. When the room darkened at the end of the day, I crawled into bed, hugged Farr's pillow and bawled myself to sleep.

I forced myself to get up, shower and go to the office Monday morning. Ward did his best to get me involved in the day's work, but I just couldn't have cared whether the job got done or not. Late in morning, Dad Bailey called and told me that he'd arranged for Farr to see a psychiatric counselor three times a week for the next month, then they'd see how it went after that.

The jobs I had lined up for the next month were regular house rewires. I turned it all over to Ward to handle, pulled my ol' Indian out of the garage and headed up the coast to that little bed and breakfast place that we'd stayed at on the run we'd made right after Farr had moved in with me. I left a message for Rich to take care of Farr's cat. I didn't say where I was going, but simply that when Farr was ready; he knew where to find me.

Ed and Dee greeted me with open arms, and after hearing my sad tale, told me I could stay as long as needed, and there would be no charge. I went along with it simply because I didn't have the energy to argue; I just made a silent promise that I would pay them when it was all over.

Time was suspended. When I look back on those days, I can't recall doing anything except sitting on the beach, watching the ebb and flow of the surf as it measured off the moments of my life without my little man. Every evening at six, I would call Dad for an update on Farr's mental state. Every time he would tell me to be patient, that Farr was making progress and would soon come around.

Friday, two weeks after the rape, Dad Bailey called me. "John, I've just been informed that the three men involved in violating my son have each had a quiet night visitor, and each has lost something they valued as much as their lives." He went on to tell me that he'd been informed that they would each receive a UPS delivery returning their losses - pickled in formaldehyde."

It took me a few seconds to understand what he was telling me; then I asked, "You're kidding, right?"

For the first time since that night, I laughed and felt a little more alive. He laughed with me. "Nope, with a few knockout drops and some local anesthetic, they probably didn't even know they were missing anything until they went to pull on them the next morning and they weren't there."

"Damn, Dad, that is wicked."

"Oh, I was also informed that Robertson lost it all. He'll have to sit to pee."

"The son of a bitch deserves no less," I muttered.

"The other two also lost their little heads."

"Oh, my God," I whispered, as I tried to fathom what it would be like to go through the rest of my life with no testicles and just a stub to piss out of.

The following Monday morning I got a call from Officer Johnson who had taken my statement at the hospital.

"Mr. Reed," he said, "there is a rumor going around that someone has taken a mafia style revenge on the three men accused in the rape of your mate. There have been no complaints filed by any of them, but I was just curious if you had heard anything yourself?"

"At this point, Officer, you might as well call me John. I left the city right after signing my statement the morning after the rape, and have been staying at a little inn up on the Northern California coast. I've heard nothing."

For a moment there was no response, and then his outrage came through loud and clear. "You abandoned your lover just because he was raped?"

"Officer Johnson, Farr told his dad that he didn't want me around… that I just make him feel guilty. He's getting psychiatric help. His dad and our close friends are all there for him, so I just dropped out of the picture."

"Oh, damn, John. I'm sorry. By the way, my name is Bill. I've always heard that rape harms more than just the victim, but I'd never realized the truth of it. Are you okay?"

"The two guys I'm staying with are friends. They are being very supportive."

"If you need anything, call me. You hear?"

"Thanks, Bill, I appreciate that. Can you tell me what the rumor is? I mean what does 'mafia style revenge' mean?"

Bill laughed. "Well, first off, my partner is a bartender at the bar. It's being rumored that they lost their nuts and had them returned to them preserved in embalming fluid."

"No shit?" I laughed. I hadn't known I was so good at dissembling.

"That's the rumor. And no one has seen any of them since they were released on bail."

"I wonder who's responsible. I'd like to thank them."

We talked a bit more, and Bill again told me to call him if I needed anything. After he said good bye, I wondered who might have a mafia connection. Nobody I knew was Italian. Well… come to think of it, nobody except all the Bailey men. Their mother's parents were from Italy. I wondered if there was a connection, but then I decided that I didn't really want to know.

Farr

"Rape is an act of physical violence."

I've had that beaten into my brain for the last week, and I still say, "Bullshit!" Yes, I agree that rape is an act of violence, a sexual act of violence. That I could deal with... the physical violence… that S.O.B. forcing his cock up my ass without any lubricant. I'm sure it hurt his prick as much or more than it did my butt. But what that 'act of violence' did to my ego… my mind... my self image… was something that I had no way to even begin to comprehend how to deal with.

I've always been one to keep control of my emotions. I kept telling myself, "So what? I was raped.... I was forcefully fucked. Get over it, Frank."

Yeh, right. Fact was I'd totally lost all control over my emotions. I'd have violent mood swings. I'd go on wild crying jags. I'd one minute feel okay - the next, I was so raging angry I wanted to kill. Then I'd fall into a depression so deep I could have just lain down and died.

The shrink prescribed some pills. I took one and felt like I'd been doped… dulled. Despite the fact that they kept me on an even keel, I hated the creepy feeling it gave me and refused to take another one. Dad threatened to hogtie me and force me to take them - and I came unglued. The thought of being tied up like that again made me hysterical. I knew he only meant it figuratively, but just the idea of being so helpless again... God! What a horrible feeling.

What was scary was that when Dad said it, I was prepared to take him down… if he even looked like he might try. Fortunately, he realized what the change in my demeanor and my posture meant, and quickly apologized and backed off. Then I went into another stupid crying jag and couldn't stop until I was just so worn out that I fell asleep. Once I calmed down, Dad called the doctor and discussed my medications with him. They put me on something else that let me feel normal again… well, not normal, but at least I could function without feeling like I was going to crawl out of my skin.

Through all of this, I was constantly torn. The shame I felt… yeah, I can hear everyone telling me I have nothing to be ashamed of. But, still, the shame I felt was overwhelming - not just from being violated - but from not protecting myself from that violation, especially after making such a big thing of being able to protect myself. Even though I was well aware that I was attacked from behind and never had a chance to defend myself, I still felt extreme guilt.

Time had no meaning, if it hadn't been for Dad and Rich managing my life for me, I'm certain I would have just lain in bed and let myself waste away. I was really that bad off. But they forced me to function... to get up every morning, take a shower, dress, eat, go for walks with them and go see that damned head doctor. I don't know how long that went on, as I said, time had no meaning.

John

Each day that passed without Farr, I lost a little more of myself. As I wandered down that rocky beach where I'd strolled with Farr, I felt like I'd soon just blow away on a breeze. I constantly wondered if he'd ever want or need me back in his life. Dad Bailey kept reassuring me that he was making progress, but when I finally got up the courage to ask him if Farr had inquired about me at all, there was a long silence on the line, then Dad sighed and said, "No, John. I'm sorry, but he hasn't said a thing about you." And I felt like maybe I'd really never existed in Farr's life.

I stood on the rocky point where Farr and I had revowed our love for each other, and contemplated what it had taken to tear us apart. I wondered if we'd ever get back together again. At that moment, I decided that it was time to stop waiting and get back to living... it would only be existing- not living… without Farr. Resigned and defeated, I headed back up the beach not paying attention to anything except where I placed my bare feet. I found my way to my room in the little inn without running into Ed or Dee, and started to pack my bags.

As I emptied the dresser drawer, I picked up a pair of Farr's boxer shorts that I'd accidently packed. I carefully folded them and instead of dropping them into my bag, I sat down in the big easy chair and just held them and thought about all the little things and the times I'd shared with him.

Farr

One morning Dad had to go down to Gilmore, and Rich ended up taking me to see the psychiatrist. Half way through the hour, the shrink asked me if I'd yet discussed with John what had happened. I got up and walked out without answering. The session left me angry and filled with more guilt. In my twisted thinking, when John let go of me to allow the hospital people to take me into that small room he had just abandoned me. Not for a moment did I realize that it was the other way around. And not for a moment did I consider how he felt.

I plunked myself down in Rich's car, folded my arms across my chest and stared out the window. Rich didn't say a word; he simply put the car in gear and drove. When he parked the car, I automatically undid my seat belt and got out. It wasn't until I was standing on the sidewalk that I realized that we weren't back at Rich's. We were in front of John's... in front of 'our' house. Recognizing the house threw me into an emotion maelstrom; joy, fear, anger... all swirled though me. Anger won out. I turned on Rich who stood to the side watching me.

"Why did you bring me here?" I demanded.

"This is your home, Farr. I just wanted to remind you that you have a life... a good life, and a good man that loves you. Your dad has been handling you with kid gloves, afraid that he might offend you or something. I don't feel that way.

"You're being a self-centered little shit, and it's time for you to snap out of it and start thinking about what you are doing to the people that love you… especially John."

I hadn't gotten to that point; my visits with the shrink had all been about me...what had been done to me. I hadn't stopped feeling sorry for myself long enough to think how this had affected John, or Dad and all our friends.

Standing on the sidewalk staring at Rich, I recalled it all... all that happened afterward...especially John's bellow of rage as he barreled into that restroom and saw me with my feet in the air, my wrists tied to my ankles as I lay across that toilet with my head stuck through the glory hole. I remembered how he had so gently picked me up and held me to his chest and cried. I remembered how he resisted the EMTs, and then insisted that he ride with me in the ambulance to the hospital, kneeling beside me caressing my face and telling me I was going to be okay.... and that he loved me with all his heart and soul. I remembered it all... and it forced me to my knees. God! I had turned away from him. How could I have done that?

Rich caught me as I collapsed. I laid my head on his shoulder, and as he held me, I cried again. It was different this time. I cried not because of what had been done to me, but because of what I'd done... I'd closed out John. The rape had enraged John, but it had been me that had wounded him. It had been me that had turned away from him when he held his loving arms out to me, offering his love and comfort.

I had turned away from him. I wondered again, how I could have done that. I hadn't even thought about him in... I had no idea... how many days.

I stood and moved out of Rich's arms. As I thought about John, my heart filled with his love... and my love for him. The black sickness I'd been enveloped in peeled away, leaving me feeling that if I could get back to John I was going to really be okay. That is as soon as I was back in John's loving arms, nothing else would matter. Drying my face with my sleeve, I asked, "Is he at work?"

Rich shook his head. "No, he hasn't been to work since... ugh. He left town the Monday morning after... ugh." Rich cleared his throat. "He said he couldn't stand to be near and not be able to be with you." It was obvious that Rich was having difficulty facing what had happened to me. I was surprised that he was making me face reality like this.

I had never felt like such a heel. "Do you know where he went?"

Rich shook his head again. "He only said that you would know where to find him."

I turned and studied the house and wondered where he'd gone… then I knew. Of course… back to where we'd declared our eternal love for each other. Back to where we'd vowed that nothing would tear us apart. I knew at that moment that John had kept his faith in us and thanks to Rich - I'd recovered mine. I felt in my pocket for my keys, knowing they weren't there. I'd had no use for them for a while. I actually didn't even know where to begin to look for them.

Rich held out his hand. "Are you needing these?"

I grinned at him, snatched the keys, and then flung my arms around his neck. "You're a good friend, Rich. I couldn't ask for one better than you."

He hugged me back. "I'm glad this worked. I don't know what I'd have explained to Pat if you'd gone into a deeper funk."

"Tell Dad that I'll see him in a day or two."

"So... you're going to be okay now?" he asked, getting to his feet.

I grinned again at him. Damn, it felt so good to be able to smile again. "I'll be absolutely fine as soon as I'm back in John's arms."

Rich stood and patted me on the shoulder. "Give John our love, and you - be careful."

As he turned to his car, I ran to the front door and unlocked it. I don't know what I expected, or that I was expecting anything - the lack of John's presence hit me like I'd run into a brick wall. The magnitude of what I had done almost brought me again to my knees. I closed my eyes and silently begged John's forgiveness. After a few deep breaths, I headed to the bedroom and packed a knapsack with some clothes and toiletries.

Spike jumped up on the bed and meowed plaintively, driving home the fact that I'd forgotten even him. I went to the kitchen and found that he had water and plenty of food, and his sand box was clean. I didn't know who was taking care of him, but I'd be sure to find out and thank them when I returned.

I debated taking my Harley, then decided it was a bit more sane to take my pickup. Plus, that way with John's bike in the back, I could touch John all the way back home.

John

I awakened to a soft knocking on my door and Dee's gruff, gentle voice asking if I was in.

I sighed, stood up and stretched still clutching Farr's briefs. "Yeah, Dee, come on in."

With his bulk blocking the door, he said, "There's someone here to see you. That is.... if you're up for some company."

I thought maybe Rafe had come looking to drag me back to town. I guess I had to eventually face everyone again, might as well start now... with him. "Sure, let him in."

Dee moved his big body out of the doorway and I thought my heart would thump right out of my chest when I saw Farr standing there. I dropped to my knees and held out my arms to him. He rushed into them and I once again held my reason for living. He kept repeating, "Please forgive me," and I told him to shut up that there was nothing to forgive.

Dee had quietly left. We eventually broke the hug, let go of each other, and I stood up. I couldn't take my eyes off him. He looked around the room. It was the same one we'd stayed in, and I could see him remembering the wonderful time we'd spent here. Then his eyes locked on my half packed bag.

"Are you planning on going somewhere?" he asked.

"Yes, I'd just decided it was time for me to resume my life."

The sadness in Farr's eyes and his expression of guilt tugged at me. I sat back down and pulled him onto my lap. "Look, Babe, I know there is a lot of baggage to get rid of before we resume our life. You and I both know that what happened was not our fault, but there's lot of shit we're still going to have to get through, but I know we can do it. We can do it because we love each other."

He was nodding vigorously against my chest.

"Did Dad tell you what happened to the perps?" I asked.

Farr nodded and asked, "Did you see yesterday's paper?"

"No, I haven't picked up a paper since I came up here, nor have I turned on the TV."

"The guy that was holding the door closed, killed Robertson and the other guy, and then shot himself in the head. He left a note apologizing for his part in... in... the rape."

That news stunned me. I was relieved, but stunned. All I could think was, 'Wow. All of that violence, simply because one asshole couldn't take 'no' for an answer.'

It was just past midday. I asked Farr if he wanted to head back to the city.

"No, if you can afford a couple more days, John, I'd like to stay here and be alone with you, put our lives back together."

"I'd like that, too. Are you hungry? I'm sure Ed has a midday snack ready to serve... if you are."

Farr walked across the room and turned to study me. "You haven't been eating, have you? Your clothes just hang on you." Shaking his head, he let it drop forward as he sighed heavily. "I'm just so sorry this happened."

I quickly moved to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "It wasn't your fault, Farr."

He shrugged my hand off and said, "Yeah, it was. I shut you out. After all my promises... I turned away from you when you needed me most."

"Your need was greater than mine, Farr. Anyway, didn't you notice? You're back."

He smiled rather wanly, but didn't look at me. "Yeah, thanks to Rich for the wake up call....I'm back."

"Farr, I love you. You do know that, don't you?"

He turned toward me and stared into my eyes a moment before saying, "I know that. And I love you too, John."

There was a discreet knock at the door. I heard Ed ask, "Would you fellows like some dinner?"

I looked at Farr for an answer and he barely nodded. "We'll be right there," I called out.

Farr headed toward the door and I called out to him, "Farr, wait a minute please." I knelt on one knee next to him and took him into my arms. He didn't respond. "I love you, Babe. Please, now that you've come back... stay... with me." I felt him sigh. I moved him back to where I could look into his face. Tears streaked his cheeks. I placed my hands to each side of his head and pulled him to my lips. It was like kissing putty. I kissed each of his eyelids, his nose and his chin, then went back to his mouth. He grasped my wrists and pulled away from me. "How can you do that?" he disgustedly asked.

That violent reaction at first stunned me, then I realized the cause of it. He started to move away from me, but I sneaked an arm around his waist and wouldn't let him go. He refused to look at me.

"Have you washed your face since that night?" I asked.

He glared at me.

"Have you brushed your teeth and rinsed with mouthwash?"

"At least a thousand times," he spat out. "And I still feel dirty." His voice was filled with self loathing and disgust.

"I thought so," I said as I took his face between my hands. "Look at me, Farr." He refused. "Farr, look into my eyes, so you can see that what I'm going to tell you is the absolute truth."

He raised his eyes and looked into mine. I stared back at him, my heart filled to bursting with my love for him. I willed him to see it. "Farr," I whispered, "I'm going to wash your face, your lips, your mouth, and when I get through, you are going to be clean. There will be no remnant of what happened. Do you believe me?"

I felt his nod more than saw it. I pulled him close and starting with his forehead, I licked... cleaned it like a mother cat cleans her kittens. I licked his eyelids, his cheeks, his ears and jaw. I dropped down to his neck and licked all of it and came up under his chin, the taste of his skin had me hardening but I ignored it. This was all for healing my little lover. I licked his chin, all around his mouth, including his nostrils. And then I thoroughly licked his lips, before kissing him.

I whispered, "I love you, Baby."

He started shaking. I then stuck my tongue between his lips, running it over them again, inside and out. Then, with my thumbs, I opened his resistant jaw and did the same on the inside of his mouth. At that point, I thought that I had failed; other than having the shakes, he hadn't responded at all, but when I touched his tongue with mine, his arms came up around my neck and he pressed his lips to mine as he danced his tongue around mine. I let go of his head and wrapped him in my arms and continued to kiss him.

We both must have run out of oxygen at the same time. He pulled back, gulping air, just like I was doing. There was a sparkle in his eyes. I prayed that I could keep it there.

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

His nod was vigorous. "Yes, but I think I should wash your spit off my face before I face those two guys." His impudent smile was back. I wondered if I'd be able to keep it there.

When we entered the big roomy kitchen, Ed saw the expression on Farr's face and said, "Now you look more like the young whippersnapper I know."

"How not?" Farr replied. "I'm back with my big man." He grinned at me, and I swear my heart fluttered.

After a simple lunch of a chunky herbal tomato soup, a melted cheddar sandwich and warm friendly banter with our friends, Farr stated that he wanted to go for a walk on the beach. Dee had to hug us both before we left, and he told Farr that he was so happy to see us back together.

The sun shone weakly through the heavy moisture laden air. The tide was low and the surf barely lapped at the sand and rocks. Farr held my hand as we meandered up the beach, picking our way around and over the boulder strewn sand. It felt like it was a strange place that we'd never been before.

We hadn't spoken for several minutes as we walked along holding hands, and I startled when Farr said with a gush of enthusiasm, "Damn, it feels so good to be back with you, John."

I looked down at his upturned face. A warmth I had so badly missed flowed through me, leaving me breathless. "I really missed you, Babe."

He lost his smile and gazed out at the flat quiet Pacific. After a bit, he said, "I'm so sorry I closed down like I did. I wasn't even aware that I'd shut you out."

We walked on. I could feel that he wanted...needed to say more, so I just held his hand, occasionally brushing the back of it with my thumb.

"When they took me into that emergency room... when you let go of me... it was like... it was like the walls enclosing my life moved in to exclude everyone. And I was too... too wounded... too numb to notice. I interacted with the people around me... my dad... Rich... Dr. Samuelson. But until this morning when Rich jumped on my case after stopping in front of our house, nothing existed except the immediate world around me."

He'd let go of my hand and stood with his hands shoved into his pockets as he gazed out over the grey expanse of the ocean.

I watched him, wanting so badly to hold him... protect him, but I just waited for him to process whatever thoughts he was lost in. Suddenly he turned around and smiled at me.

"Let's find a place protected from the breeze and sit awhile."

He took my hand again and led me towards the cliffs. Finding a little alcove surrounded by big boulders, he motioned for me to sit, so I sat down against the cliff wall and spread my legs so he could sit between them. I held open my jacket and wrapped it and my arms around him as he scrunched back against me. We sat quietly for a time, lost in our individual thoughts.

When he spoke again, it was so soft that I had to strain to hear him. "I read a story once that contained a poem. I've forgotten the words, but the idea it expressed remains strong. It said something like... knowing that you're there for me like the sunrise… I am secure... with your arms around me… I am strong enough to conquer the world. That's how I feel sitting here like this."

I tightened my hold on him.

"Don't ever let me go, John. Fight me if you have to, but don't let me go."

"I have no intention of ever letting you go, Babe."

The sun was lowering rapidly. It suffused the fog with a warm orange glow as it neared the indistinguishable horizon.

If I hadn't been so uncomfortable with the chill settling into my leg, I would have waited until Farr was ready to leave, but my leg was beginning to ache and I knew that I had to get it warmed soon or I'd be limping for days. I'd broken my femur just above my knee when I was a teenager, and damp cold was crippling to it.

Farr noticed that I was rubbing it, and asked if something was wrong with it. I told him about having broken it and how the cold affected it. He immediately stood and offered to help me up. I took his hand, but instead of moving to stand, I pulled him to me for a kiss. He kissed me back, then broke it off and commanded me to get up.

The late afternoon fog had settled around us, but once we were walking and my blood got to circulating I was alright. I'm not a good patient and I bristled as Farr continued to be solicitous. He laughed at me, took my hand, and we headed back to the inn.

Dee had a fire going in their cozy living room, and delicious smells were wafting out of the kitchen. We pulled our jackets off and hung them on the hall tree inside the front door. Ed came out of the kitchen carrying a tray with four mugs of hot mulled wine.

Dee and Ed were an amusing couple. Soft looking, teddy bearish Dee was the one who did all the upkeep of the house and grounds around the inn, while Ed, who was tall and sinewy, kept house and cooked. Looking at them one would have thought it would be just the opposite. But Ed swore that Dee could burn water when he got in the kitchen, and Dee laughed about how good Ed was at hitting his thumb when he attempted to use a hammer.

They wanted to know how Farr was doing… was he healing from the abuse and getting over the trauma? I was surprised that Farr could tell them with little emotion just how the incident had occurred. Bile rose in my throat at the thought of those three big 'men' treating Farr like less than an animal. I thanked God that they were dead, because I could have killed them myself.

During his telling, Farr patted my knee several times assuring me that he was okay - it was over and done with - but I still had my doubts. It may have been over, but we for certain weren't done with the aftermath.