I didn't make contact with Nathan again for over a week. I unpacked everything, and even though there was a scarcity of furniture, it was beginning to look like home. The modern dinette set was out of place in the homey old kitchen, and way too small for the dining room, but that's where it ended up. There were several bedrooms empty. The den had only a club chair and the television set. But, hey, it was home.

I don't know whether it was because I was making a new beginning in this big house or the knowledge that I was living next door to a man that was either my allegedly dead lover or his identical twin, but for the first time in three years I had started having erotic dreams and feeling horny again. One dream I seemed to have repeatedly was where I lay naked on my back unable to move while Ted would do a strutting, posturing dance around me and then he would smile at me and bend down and kiss me while caressing my body. He'd whisper "I'm Ted." Then laughing he would turn and dance some more and then again bend down, kiss me and caress me, whispering, "I'm Nathan." Over and over the dance would continue until I was so sexually excited by his/their caressing my body that I would ejaculate. At that point I would awaken, shaken to the core.

During the day I'd think or do something that reminded me of Ted and I'd start getting horny. Actually, at that point I didn't really know or care whether it was Ted or Nathan; in my fantasies they were one and the same. I'd find myself daydreaming about him naked. I'd imagine I was running my hand over his hairy chest. I'd tickle his nipple with my tongue. It was so vivid I could feel the hairs sliding across my tongue. In the meantime he'd be grasping my buns in each hand, pulling me into his pelvis while he would hump his cock against mine. He'd kiss me on the neck and nibble my earlobes. As I moved my hand up and down my hard shaft I would imagine him dropping to his knees and engulfing my cock with his hot wet mouth. I'd imagine filling his mouth with my cream as I blasted it into my hand. I'd slide down the wall, my shriveling cock still in my hand and weep. I was so miserable without my Ted. And then I'd think about Nathan next door and wonder what the truth really was. I didn't really face reality during that week. I lived in my fantasies and dreams, and worked like a slave setting up my new home.

After Saturn, Ted's cat, (she had never quite laid claim to me) had thoroughly explored the house and decided that it would do as her new abode, I let her out to explore her new yard. She had always been an indoor cat and was a little meek about exploring at first. But once she decided that it was okay to be outside she became a stalking beast. She loved her new home. I'd been warned there were coyotes up in the foothills, which were just a few blocks above my street, so I made certain every evening that Saturn was safely ensconced in the house.

The second Saturday morning after moving into my new home, I decided to start working on the backyard. I stood on the porch with a cup of coffee and surveyed it. Although the property was large, someone had seen the need for the intimacy of the enclosed space. I supposed that it had possibly been done when the cottage next door had been sold. I loved the privacy of the six-foot high wall. The big old avocado tree that shaded much of the yard was filled with ripening fruit. In the middle of the yard was a tall concrete plinth that must have had a statue on it at one time.

The yard had been neglected for years. The weeds were nearly waist high. I figured where I was standing was as good a place to start as any. I sighed, then knelt on the edge of the walk and started yanking handfuls of weeds out of the ground and laying them in neat piles to be bound up and hauled away later.

I'd been at it for about an hour when Saturn wandered over and walked under my chin, making certain that her tail wiped across my face. I sat back on my heels and surveyed what I had accomplished. It was getting hot. My t-shirt was stuck to my back with sweat. I stood up, pulled it off, and used it to wipe my brow, then went into the house and poured myself a big glass of cool water.

When I came back out Saturn was sitting on the plinth in the middle of the weeds. "Big help you are. It's a shame you can't help me. It would sure make this job easier," I said aloud to her, as I kneeled. She ignored me and started cleaning her shiny black pelt. I heard someone say, "A big help I'd be if you'd let me come over and give you a hand. Is your gate locked?"

I was down on my hands and knees. I turned and looked, and there was Nathan, resting his head on his hands on top of the wall, grinning at me. Damn, even with a silly grin, he was a handsome man. He was so beautiful to look at. He had a wild shock of blonde hair hanging over his forehead just like Ted always had, his golden skin set off his clear deep blue eyes, and with that perpetual crooked smile on his lips I would have been happy to just sit and gaze at him the rest of the day.

"I don't know which is a prettier sight, that big pile of weeds, or your butt up in the air."

I bristled at the forwardness of his statement. Only Ted had ever said things to me like that. I chose to ignore it. But it frustrated me that I still hadn't done any sorting out of my thoughts since my confrontation with him that first day.

"You don't really like pulling weeds," I said in an attempt at being civil while hoping to discourage him from coming over.

"And you do?" he laughed. His deep throated laugh thrilled through me, weakening my resolve. Not that I'd resolved a damned thing.

"Of course not. But I have to do it." I stood and dusted my hands and knees off.

"Then I would like to help you, if you would allow me," he said.

How could I resist. "Truthfully," I said, "I would love the help. Let me get the key to the gate."

"I'll grab a pair of gloves and be right over," he replied.

Both of our yards had side by side backyard gates between his house and my garage. I had to struggle with the lock; so once I got it to release, I took it into the garage and sprayed it with WD-40. Nathan was coming through the gate as I returned the lock to the hasp. He grinned at me. I couldn't help but grin back. His eyes were on my bare chest. I watched them lower to the top of my Levi's. I mentally shuddered. The thought of his hands on my body was causing a sensory overload. Then I thought about the weeds, and that did the trick.

"Howdy, Pard. Ready to pull some weeds?" He grinned as I felt the blood leave my face.

"Jim?" he asked showing his alarm at my face turning so pale.

"It's all right. I just have to get used to you. Pard was a name Ted used to call me. It's nothing. I'll get over it."

"I'm sorry. I won't call you that again."

"No, it's okay. It's just that living next door to you is something that I'm going to have to get used to. Would you like a cold drink before we start?" I asked.

"A tall glass of ice water would be great."

"I'd like some, too. I'll be right back."

When I came back out with a pitcher and two glasses on a tray, Nathan had already started pulling weeds. I stood and admired his beautiful back, the ripple of his muscles as he worked. I had a lump in my throat that felt as big as the one in my pants. I looked at the pile next to him. His pile was already a quarter of the size of the pile I had pulled. "I think you're trying to show me up," I said.

Nathan turned and looked up at me. "Nah, I find this therapeutic," he said as he aggressively attacked a stand of tall weeds. I continued to watch him as I too pulled some more weeds. A few minutes later he sat back on his haunches and pulled his shirt off. I stopped and let my gaze slide over his familiar furry chest. He was a little more muscular than I remembered him. I poured more water and handed him a glass. "You're as weird as Ted was, thinking of pulling weeds as a form of therapy."

Nathan smiled at me, downed the water, wiped his mouth and handed the glass back. "Thanks. What was your name for Ted?"

I studied him a moment, experiencing again that confusion of Ted/Nathan while feeling like he should know. "Nerd," I finally answered.

"That's a joke, right?" he asked.

"It was rather a lame one, 'Pard', 'Nerd', partnered as in married." Sharing that silly little intimacy embarrassed me. Nathan just grinned at me, then continued pulling weeds.

"I was the one that was really the nerd with my fascination for computers," I told him. He smiled at me. I wondered if I would ever really be certain about who he was. I knelt back where I had been and went back to work. We worked in silence for several minutes.

"You still miss him?" Nathan asked as he pulled another handful.

"There's not a moment that I don't."

Again there was a minute or so of silence. Nathan sat back and gauged how long it was going to take to reach the plinth. I was just a yard or so from it already. "There was the cutest bronze on top of that plinth when I was a kid. It was of a little boy holding a frog up by one leg. He had a look of such gleeful delight on his face."

I sat back and looked at him and then at the plinth. "I'm planning on putting Ted on it."

Nathan choked. "I don't understand," he said.

"I found this beautiful old Art Deco urn for Ted's ashes. I'm planning on placing it on that plinth when I get the yard in shape."

"Oh. May I ask why?"

"The main reason we bought this house was because Ted fell in love with this back yard. I think it would be a fitting memorial to him," I said.

Nathan had sat back, gazing at me as I talked. "You are so beautiful. You glow when you talk about Ted. I envy what you two had. I'm sorry you lost him."

Embarrassed, I stood up and walked away. I was having a difficult moment dealing with these re-surfacing emotions. I had kept them submerged for so long. I leaned against the old avocado tree. I wondered how many times Ted had told me that he thought I was beautiful - not handsome - beautiful. It had always embarrassed me. Nathan was sitting back on his heels watching me. He got up and walked over to me.

"Jim, I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't," I lied. "I seem to be constantly on the edge of breaking down ever since I moved in. It's just....I have never been so lonely."

"I know loneliness. I've been alone my whole life. It must be worse when you have had someone that loved you and then you lose him."

I glanced at him. He raised a hand and caressed the side of my face. He took my face in both his hands and gently kissed me. I melted. He held me firmly against his large body. "I feel comfortable holding you in my arms, Jim. This feels so right. From the first time I looked into your eyes, when you looked over your car at me, I have wanted to hold you. I've never had that urge before, toward a man or a woman."

I pulled away. I was having difficulty breathing and tears were filling my eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing.... everything."

The truth was that I was totally confused. I was missing Ted so badly and at the same time I had a hardon for this man in front of me. I still wondered if he could be Ted.

"What kind of answer is that?" he asked.

"One that covers all bases without covering anything."

"Oh, I get it. You're trying to be enigmatic," he said, jokingly, trying to lighten the moment.

"Not really, it's just that you're moving so fast. I feel a need to back off and breathe."

"Okay, I can do that....I'll back off and let you breath.... let's pull some more weeds. We'll never get this job done if we keep taking breaks."

At that moment we heard a woman calling from the other side of the gate. "Hello. Nathan, are you in the back yard?"

"I'm in the yard next door," he called out, as he sprinted to the six-foot high gate. He pulled it open and a petite woman in her mid-twenties walked in. She was beautiful, raven black hair cut in a pixyish bob, and big brown eyes. She was wearing khaki slacks and a man's white dress shirt, the tails tied around her flat slender midriff. Her feet were clad in thin, dainty, little spaghetti strapped sandals. Something about her said, 'money'. Nathan picked her up and whirled her around.

"Eew, you're all sweaty. Let me down. What are you guys doing back here?" she asked.

"We're pulling weeds. Come, meet Jim."

She held out her hands toward me as he made the introduction. I started to offer mine to shake, but she stepped up and hugged me.

"Welcome, new neighbor," she said.

"Susan and I have been best friends since grade school. She used to live down the street until her daddy got rich and they moved to San Marino." Nathan was explaining. "I guess I'll have to eventually marry her, being that she can't find anyone else suitable."

She playfully punched him in the belly. "You'd love that wouldn't you, you big lug? But I won't marry you. You could never get used to me having to have a chambermaid and butler," she said. They laughed holding each other around the waist. Well, that's not quite right. Her arm was around his butt and his was resting on her shoulder.

"Besides, you sweat like a pig." She ran her finger down his sweaty chest.

"Pigs don't have sweat glands," he replied.

"Well, then a horse."

"I like horses."

"What--ever. Anyway, Jim, I love him, but he's just not marrying material." She sighed dramatically.

"So you didn't drive all the way up here to tell me you won't marry me, what's up?" Nathan asked.

"Oh, Daddy wants me on his arm at some big boring function tonight. You don't mind that we can't go to Kate's new gallery opening, do you?"

"You know I was only going because you asked me to go. Of course, I don't mind. Why didn't you just call me?"

"I can't see your ugly mug over the phone," she said, grinning at him. "Besides, I wanted a chance to meet Jim. You've talked about him so much I was intrigued." She smiled at me. I felt the blood rushing into my face. I felt angry and betrayed. Apparently, Susan thought I was just being embarrassed. "It is nice to meet you, Jim, I hope to see more of you. You blush so charmingly." She turned back to Nathan, and kissed him. He kissed her back. "Talk to ya," she said, as she walked away. She turned and waved a hand at the yard. "You know a couple of wetbacks could finish this off in a day for nearly nothing."

"It's good therapy. Getting in touch with Mother Earth and all," I replied. Nathan laughed.

"Whatever. Bye." She disappeared though the gate.

"Her father is from Texas," Nathan said. I guess he was explaining 'wetback'. There are certainly no rivers to cross here in Southern California.

Nathan looked at me. I frowned and turned back to the weeds. Nathan knew that I had bristled at Susan's comment. "Jim, I didn't tell her anything, except that you are very handsome. I wouldn't violate your privacy or your trust. I respect what you've been through. I respect you." My shoulders slumped as the anger receded.

"You okay?" he asked, giving me a one armed hug.

Fighting a strong urge to embrace him, I pulled away. "Yeah, I'm okay," I said. "It was stupid of me to just assume you were gay, I apologize."

"Apology accepted. Let's pull some weeds."

We literally attacked the weeds. We worked furiously, occasionally glancing up to see where the other was. The sun was well past its zenith when Nathan sat back and looked over at me. "Damn, Jim, you're really getting sunburned. Didn't you use sun block on your fair skin?"

"Geez. How stupid can I get? I put some on my face and arms, but I had a t-shirt on and never even thought about the rest of me. Not that I could have reached my back," I replied.

"Dumb ass. I would have put it on you. You had only to ask," he scolded.

"Yeah, right. I'm going to go knock on your door and ask you to slather my back with sun block? I don't think so."

Nathan laughed, and then said, "Hey, get the fuck out of the sun. You're going to get sick."

I got off my knees and walked over to the deep shade of the avocado tree. Standing up made me feel dizzy; I was feeling irritable.

'Damn, he's as bossy as Ted was.' I thought to myself. I twisted my head to look at my shoulder. I touched it with my finger and hissed from the sting. It left a white spot that took a moment to turn red again. Even though I have pitch-black hair, my eyes are blue and I don't tan easily.

"I'll be right back. I've got just what you need on that burn."

He ran out the gate, and returned a minute later peeling a spike of Aloe Vera as he walked. I was slumped forward in a lounge chair. He felt my forehead. "You've got a fever, Pard. Let me coat you with this and then we'll get you some aspirin and lots of water."

I drew my breath in sharply as Nathan smeared the cool soothing Aloe over my back and shoulders. It made me forget the pet name he had just used. He lifted me up by my armpits and led me into the house. "Lay face down on the sofa. Where do you keep your aspirin?"

"There's a box on the sink in the guest bathroom that has all the first aid stuff in it. Aspirin should be in it."

I dozed off. A minute later, Nathan was urging me to sit up and swallow the two tablets. I drank the whole glass of water and lay back down. He knelt beside me and brushed the lock of hair from my forehead, and smiled at me.

"I'm glad you're here. I'd really be suffering if you weren't?" I said.

"I'll always be here, and for as long as you want me to be," he replied.

I frowned. "That didn't sound right coming from a straight guy with a beautiful girlfriend," I muttered.

"Who said I am straight? Susan is beautiful, but we're just friends."

I thought back to what he had said and done just before Susan had made her appearance. I smiled to myself, as I thought. 'I want you, too. I just have to get used to you looking and acting so much like Ted. I have to remind myself every time I look at you that I'm looking at Nathan, not Ted.' I closed my eyes. My temperature was making me sleepy. Nathan stroked my hair. He started humming. Half asleep, I listened, trying to catch the tune. Oh, yeah, it was a nursery song. "I'd rather have the mocking bird; I'm sure it would sing for us," I mumbled.

Nathan chuckled when he realized I was referring to the words of the tune he had been mindlessly humming. "Are you sure you wouldn't prefer the diamond ring?"

"Nah, diamonds are a girls best friend, remember? A simple silver band is all I want," I mumbled.

He chuckled again. "Are you hinting at something?"

I sat up, frowning. My temperature was making me feel even more irritable.

"Would you let it alone. We haven't known each other a week. I'm totally freaked out moving next door to you. I didn't even know you existed a week ago."

"I apologize. I'll keep my mouth shut. Lay back down." Nathan felt my forehead again. "Your temp may have dropped a little. I'll apply another coat of aloe." The aloe was sooo soothing, I regretted it when he finished. He refilled my glass with water and set it on the table beside me. "I'm going to leave you to nap. If you need anything, my number is on the card next to the water. Just call, and I'll come running."

I nodded affirmation and closed my eyes.

I had no idea how long I slept. I remember at some point waking and seeing Nathan sitting in the armchair across from me, watching me. It was comforting. I dozed back off. The next time I woke up, I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I heard a light snore and opened my eyes and saw him sprawled in the chair. 'What a magnificent sight he is,' I thought to myself. This time I did no comparing him to Ted, I just sat and admired him.

I got up, went into the guest bathroom and relieved myself, and then splashed cold water on my face. As I took a hand towel and dried, I looked at my shoulders in the mirror and touched the skin. It left a white mark but didn't hurt. The aloe had worked its magic.

I padded softly back into the living room and stood gazing down at Nathan. I was filled with warmth. I knew that there was no backing away from this man. I felt in my heart that we were predestined to be together. Supporting myself on the chair arms, I leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips. His eyelids fluttered, but he didn't awaken. I kissed him again. This time his eyes opened and he gazed right back into mine. I grinned at him and he grinned back.

"Caught me napping, huh?" he asked

"I thought you said you were leaving."

"I did leave. And then I came back."

I straightened up and stretched. "What time is it? I feel so groggy."

Looking at his watch, Nathan answered, "It's four o'clock."

"Geez, I slept nearly three hours. No wonder I feel groggy." I stretched again.

"Hungry?"

"I could eat a horse."

"Would you like grilled Salmon instead?"

"How did you know? It's my favorite," I said.

"Just a wild guess." Nathan watched me closely to see if I was going to freak out again. When I realized what he was doing, I smiled at him. "I made a resolution that from now on I will take everything in stride," I told him. "And I think I'll be surprised only at what we don't click on together. So where are we going for dinner? I haven't learned this area yet."

"How about my back yard."

"That's the name of a restaurant?" I asked.

"You'll love it. It's as zany as its name. Why don't you go shower. Dress is real casual. And when you're ready just come over through my back gate. In the meantime I'll go do the same."

I climbed the stairs to the bathroom. As I untied my shoes, I looked out the window and saw Nathan stirring up the briquetss in his grill. I chuckled to myself at thinking that the name of a restaurant was 'My Back Yard.' I'm sure he got a kick out of not correcting my assumption.

I showered, dressed in shorts and a loose t-shirt. I didn't bother with shoes. I glanced out at my backyard and saw that all the stacks of weeds were gone. I was amazed, delighted, pissed. I stuck my head out the window and yelled, "Where are my weeds?" trying to sound indignant.

Nathan's head appeared above the wall. He had a big grin on his face. "I took them to the dump." He looked at my exasperated expression and raised his eyebrows at me. "You didn't really want to keep them did you?"

He was so damned cute I couldn't be angry. "Of course I did. They were precious to me." I frowned, but then I couldn't help but laugh at his shocked look. He realized I was joking and grinned.

"Thanks, Nathan, I owe you on that. That's really going too far though."

"Think nothing of it. I had nothing else to do while you were sleeping, so I occupied my time in a constructive manner. That's all."

"You're really full of baloney, but, thanks."