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One weekend towards the end of October, Neal decided to go exploring on the ranch since all three of the young Ogdens were in town with friends. The ranch contained some of the most beautiful country in Central California, part of it being a fifteen-mile stretch of rugged coastline. He drove his pickup down the twelve-miles of dirt road from the ranch house to the ocean, enjoying the fall beauty of the golden hills. He eventually drove under the coast highway and the train trestle that passed through the ranch and saw the ocean framed by a steep rocky hill on his right and a regular low rounded hill on his left.

Standing at the water's edge, Neal wished he had his surfboard, but he knew it was too cold for him to even swim without a wetsuit. He turned and studied the steep hill to the north. He could see that the top was crowned with a mix of oak and pine trees. The near side was a steep, loose shale slope. The west side facing the ocean was a sheer cliff dropping into the pounding surf. Neal set out to climb up the steep slope with a lot of slipping and sliding on the loose shale. When he reached the summit, he smiled and sighed, his breath and heart-rate slowing after the vigorous climb. He walked through the tall fragrant pines to the edge of the high sheer cliff and watched the surf hurling itself at its base. It'd been worth the effort. He'd found a secluded paradise. This place was a haven of solitude.

He sat down and wrapped his arms around his legs, rested his chin on his knees and listened to the pounding surf and the soughing wind in the pine trees. He lost himself in a fantasy of Buzz sitting beside him, his arm around his shoulders.

* * *

Buzz had slept in that morning, which he rarely did. When he got up, he found a note from Maria on the floor inside his bedroom door telling him that she had taken the young ones into town, Neal had gone off in his pickup and Billy was meeting some friends at the public beach. He stepped out the French windows into the back yard, stretched his naked frame and decided on a quick dip in the pool. Since it was a beautiful morning, he figured that a good long ride would be just the thing. After a hot shower and a quick bite, he saddled his horse and headed out toward the coast.

Rather than follow the road that went directly to the beach, he rode through the golden grass covered hills, spotted here and there with cattle. His horse's hooves echoed as he rode through the highway underpass. Once he'd passed under the train trestle that ran beside it, he decided to ride up to his favorite retreat. He hadn't been up there since he'd followed Claire there three years ago. The approach was gentler on the north side, easy for the horse to climb. Going up the back of the hill he didn't see Neal's pickup parked near the beach on the south side. The thick floor of pine needles muffled the clip of the horse's hooves as Buzz wended his way through the stately trees. When he reached the top he dismounted and tied the reins to a bush. At first he didn't notice Neal as he walked toward the cliff. He was delighted when he saw him sitting there lost in reverie. Here was something they had in common that might break through Neal's icy reserve. He stepped up beside him and squatted, balancing on his toes.

"Beautiful here, isn't it?" At first Neal thought it was part of his daydream, but hearing Buzz say, "I see you've found my special hideaway," abruptly brought him back to reality. He jumped like a scared jackrabbit, knocking Buzz backward. He scrambled to his feet, losing his balance; he tottered at the cliff's edge. Buzz quickly grabbed him by the back of his shirt, pulled him back to safety and into a full body hug. Neal collapsed into his arms. "You're safe. I've got you. I didn't mean to startle you. Damn, you're as spooked as a wild jackrabbit."

Realizing he was exactly where he had been dreaming of being, Neal was terror stricken. He abruptly pushed away from Buzz. "I'm--- I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't mean to intrude."

"You're not intruding at all, Neal. Please, sit back down. Relax."

"I can't." He looked around desperate to escape. "I---I'm late. I'm late. I've got to go."

He fled, running recklessly toward the steep loose shale slope. Buzz ran after him, yelling, "Neal, slow down. That slope is dangerous!"

Neal didn't slow as he hit the slope. He slipped and slid part of the way down, then lost his footing and rolled the rest of the way. Buzz stopped at the edge of the shale slope and helplessly watched the object of his dreams and desires tumbling down the hill. When he hit against a big boulder at the bottom and stopped rolling, Buzz knew he would find Neal mangled and broken. He turned to run for his horse, but took one last glance down the steep hill and saw him sit up. He stopped to watch Neal struggle to his feet.

* * *

A sharp pain shot up Neal's left arm as he slammed into a boulder at the bottom of the hill. He lay for a couple of minutes on his belly, assessing the damage he had done to his body. He hurt all over. He felt blood running across his cheek and nose. He was having difficulty taking a deep breath. He was sure he had broken a rib or two. He started to push himself up. His left arm wouldn't respond. Using his other arm, he forced himself upright. He lifted his unresponsive arm with his right hand. The hand dangled oddly. For a moment he felt like he was going to pass out as he brought it up to his abdomen and stuck it through his shirt placket, letting the buttoned front hold his arm up.

He struggled to his feet and hobbled to his pickup. Nursing his arm, he leaned against the door trying to catch his breath. There wasn't a spot on his body that wasn't bruised and throbbing. He looked in the side mirror; there were several abrasions on his face, and a bloody cut on his right cheekbone. Blood was running down his chin and throat. 'I should be getting used to looking like this,' he thought.

He glanced back up the steep slope and saw Buzz standing at the top looking down at him. Struggling into the pickup, he started it, then with difficulty he managed to turn it around and head back up the dirt road. Every bounce took his breath, but he persisted, and after an eternity, he drove past the ranch house onto the paved road and headed into town to the hospital.

Buzz sighed with relief that Neal wasn't badly injured. As the pickup disappeared in a whorl of dust under the train trestle, he trudged back to his horse. Totally frustrated and depressed, he headed back home.

Neal had to pull off the road a couple of times when the pain became too much, but he eventually pulled under the emergency room portico. Accidentally hitting the horn as he maneuvered his aching body to slide off the seat brought an orderly running to help him inside.

While cleaning and medicating his scrapes and cuts, the medics joked with him about not being able to stay away. The doctor took three stitches in his cheek and wrapped his ribs, then X-rayed his arm and head. He had no fractures in his skull, so they set his arm and put it in a cast that immobilized his wrist and went up to mid bicep. They wanted to admit him for overnight observation, but he adamantly refused, so the doctor gave him some pain pills, admonished him to take it easy for a few days and reluctantly let him go.

He thought about going over to Betsy's, but didn't feel like having to tell her what'd happened. Since he had to face Buzz sooner or later, he headed back to the ranch. When he opened the front door it sounded like everyone was out back, so he decided that facing them later might be better and slipped into his room unseen.

* * *

Wondering if Neal had made it to the hospital, Buzz called and ended up speaking with the doctor, who informed him that Neal had insisted on leaving after his ribs had been wrapped and his arm set.

Buzz wondered if Neal would go seeking Betsy for comfort. He thought about calling her, then decided that Neal didn't want his concern. He collapsed into the big old comfortable club chair in his office going through a strange mixture of emotions. God, do I have a bad case of 'can't live with him/can't live without him' blues. Neal puts up a block every time I try to approach him. I was certain the day he first came out here that he was attracted to me, but if he was, he's not now. He sighed. I'm not ready to give up yet; I just pray that he won't kill himself before I can get through his shield. Surely a chance will present itself eventually.

When Buzz heard Neal enter the house, he jumped up and ran to comfort him, but stopped with his hand on the door knob knowing it was futile.

Neal's arm was throbbing painfully. His head hurt. He was stiff and sore all over. He took a couple of the pain pills the doctor had prescribed, lay down and soon fell into a fitful sleep, only to be awakened by a knock on his door.

"Neal, Maria said to come to dinner."

"Aah---thanks, Dori, tell her I'm not hungry."

"OK, I'll tell her. But she won't like it."

He started to doze off again. There was a loud knock on his door with Maria saying, "Neal, you come to the table. I fix the food. I expect you to eat. So come, now."

He hadn't heard Maria be stern before. He got up and opened the door in the middle of her tirade. Maria looked at his arm in the cast, and his again bandaged face. "Ay! Dios mio! My poor baby! You broke your arm. And look at your beautiful face. Not more cuts. Who did this to you?"

"No one did it to me. I fell and rolled down a steep hill."

"Aay, pobrecito mio!"

"I'll be okay, Maria."

"Come, Neelo, you need to eat. It will make you feel better."

She put her arm around his waist, leading him toward the dining room.

He balked. "I can't. Maria, I can't go in there."

"Si. Si, puede, Niño mio. Come, Maria will help you," she insisted. Wrapping an arm around his waist and gently taking his good hand, she firmly guided him to the dining room.

He felt like he was being led to the gallows, knowing he was going to be facing Buzz.

"Alright! Stop fussing over me, I can walk by myself," he protested, but she guided him to his chair anyway, then made much to do helping him to sit. "Maria, please, I can seat myself."

"Oh, I know, my poor baby." Ignoring his protests, she took his napkin, shook it out and placed it in his lap.

"There, now you eat."

"What happened, Neal?" Dori asked, her eyes big with disbelief that more had happened to Neal

"Apparently somebody beat him up again and broke his other arm this time," answered the ever-wise Billy.

Nonplused, Buzz shook his head and continued eating his dinner. He'd look at Neal quizzically, then stuff another forkful in his mouth.

"How did you break it, Neal?" Tim asked quietly.

"I slipped and rolled down a steep hill, Tim." Neal mumbled. He hadn't raised his eyes from his plate since he'd sat down.

"Lucky you didn't break your neck as fast as you were going. I called the hospital… I assume you're all right?" Buzz muttered.

Neal glanced up at him. He had no answer to give. Buzz just kept eating while looking at him.

Neal stared back. 'All right? No, I'm not alright. I hurt all over and I want to feel your arms around me, giving me comfort and security.' He glanced at Maria, knowing she saw his whole silent monolog and kept his eyes down after that.

After eating less than half of what Maria had put on his plate, he made apologies and hobbled back to his room. His head throbbed harder when he lay down making him too miserable to sleep, so he tried sitting in the big club chair by the fireplace, but still couldn't get comfortable, so he stood and shuffled back and forth across the room holding his cast with his good arm. Miserable and fuzzed from the medication, he wished he was anywhere but in this room by himself.

There was a light knock on the bathroom door. Neal turned to see Buzz standing in the doorway.

"Neal, I am truly sorry you're so banged up. I know you've got to be hurting all over. I've run a tub of hot water with Epsom salts for you to soak in. It really will make you feel better."

Feeling helpless and at the end of his tether, Neal just stared at him. He hadn't the strength to fight his urges anymore. Despite the fact that his whole body ached and his arm throbbed with a dull pain, he knew that if Buzz touched him he was going acquiesce. 'What the hell. He's going to figure out sooner or later that I'm queer. I guess it may as well be now.' He bowed his head in submission. "Thank you," he muttered.

Buzz stepped into the room. "Here, let me unwrap your chest, then I'll help you get that shirt off. They usually take the shirt off to put a cast on your arm. Why didn't they?"

"I wouldn't let them," Neal growled.

"You know we're going to have to cut the sleeve off your arm. It won't fit over the cast."

Neal shrugged and Buzz stepped in front of him, undid the little cleat holder and reached around him unwinding the stretchy bandage. Neal's breath caught as he inhaled Buzz's scent. He forced himself to hold his arms out. Even in all his pain and misery the front of his jeans tented. He no longer tried to hide it for surely Buzz had already noticed. Tears of frustration flowed down his cheeks.

"Now your shirt," Buzz said, starting to unbutton it.

Buzz's fingertips grazed his chest and Neal pulled away before he could touch him again. "I can take it off myself." He unbuttoned the rest of it and got his left arm half way out of the sleeve before he got hung up. Exasperated, he dropped his head. "I guess I'm wrong."

Buzz took hold of the end of the sleeve and let Neal pull his arm out of it, then stepped back letting the shirt drape over the cast. "I'll get the scissors," he said, and hastened away

Neal drooped over the back of the high-backed club chair waiting for him to return. Utterly defeated, he knew that within the hour he'd be fired and sent on his way. When Buzz came back, Neal's back was toward him, he hurt so much that he didn't think to hide it. He was beyond caring. He had no more fight left. It didn't matter - nothing mattered anymore. He heard Buzz gasp and straightened up. Staring at the floor, he turned around. "Now you know why I stopped diving. Not many people have a horse's mane running down their back." His voice was full of bitterness. "It's rude to stare."

Buzz startled out of his amazement. "It's absolutely beautiful, Neal."

"Please! Don't you make fun of me, too." Tears of pain and humiliation rolled down his cheeks.

"No. It is really beautiful, Neal. You're like a satyr. May I touch… may I feel it?"

Neal stiffened defiantly, glaring at Buzz - daring him. Fascinated, Buzz ignored Neal's discomfort and placed his hand on his back. Neal cringed as Buzz's hand glided down his back. Caressing the column of silky black hair, Buzz murmured, "God, you're so beautiful, Neal. This just makes you more so."

A hard sob wracked Neal's whole body as he stood stiffly against Buzz's touch. "Truly, Neal, you are beautiful."

Through his tears, Neal looked at him in disbelief. "Why aren't you calling me pony boy like everyone else?" His voice cracked. "Please stop torturing me. Just cut the sleeve and let me be."

"Of course, let me cut it off." Buzz let his hand drop and then stepped around to carefully stick the scissor point up the sleeve and cut it open. The shirt fell to the floor unheeded as he worshiped Neal with his eyes.

Neal watched him - disbelieving as he searched his face. He couldn't comprehend the adoration he saw in Buzz's expression. "Why are you staring at me like that? I know I'm a freak."

Buzz looked into Neal's eyes. He laid his hands on each side of his face and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. "No. Neal, you are not a freak. The hair on your back may be an anomaly, but you are not a freak. You're the most beautiful human being I've ever seen."

"Why do you say that?" Neal asked, still unable to believe him.

"Neal, I don't know how to say this without possibly offending you, but I brought you into this house just to have you near me. It might have been selfish, but I had to do it. I love you, Neal, and if my saying that is offensive to you, I am so sorry. I can't hold it in any longer. I'd hoped that you might learn to love me, too."

Neal looked like he had just been punched in the gut, then he started laughing. "You… love… me?" Hysteria edged his voice. "All this time - all these weeks I've been hiding my feelings from you, and you love me?" Neal doubled over from the pain of his cracked ribs being abused by his laughter.

Buzz couldn't believe what Neal was intimating. "What are you saying?"

Neal straightened up. "I have been intoxicated with you since the first time I saw you riding up on your horse. Just being near you I lose control. What do you think was wrong with me when I stumbled and knocked myself out in your office?"

"Are you saying… you might love me? All this time, being cold to me, running from me, you have loved me?"

"I thought you would kick me out of your house if you even thought I was queer. I had to hide it from you."

"Oh, God, Neal, I can't believe this." Buzz wrapped his arms around him, holding him gently. "My little satyr, finally in my arms."

Neal held onto him with his one arm. The reality of being held by Buzz was so much better than the fantasy. He closed his eyes and just enjoyed it, forgetting all his aches and pains. A mental image of a satyr popped into his head, and he thought about all the times he'd been called a pony boy. He mentally shrugged thinking he like the image of a satyr.

"We'd better get you into that tub before the water gets cold. Sit down let me take your shoes off."

Neal complied and Buzz knelt in front of him. As each sock was removed, Buzz kissed the top of the bared foot. Astonished, Neal watched this giant of a man worshiping him.

Buzz then had him stand and he unbuckled his belt, undid his pants, letting them fall to the floor. Neal stepped out of them, and in awe he watched Buzz pick them up and toss them on the bed. When Buzz grasped the waistband of his briefs and pulled them down his legs, he stepped out of them; no longer ashamed to show his excited state. Buzz clasped his firm buns, laid his face on Neal's belly and groaned, then playfully slapping his ass, he stood up.

"Ow, I'm bruised there, too." Neal yelped.

Buzz turned him around and kissed the offended spot. "Get in the tub before the water gets cold. There's plenty of time for this later." He ushered him into the bathroom.

Neal grinned when he saw the frothing roiling water. The water wouldn't get cold until the Jacuzzi was turned off. He stepped into the hot water and gasped. "I even have bruises on my ankles."

"Well, you should. The way you took on that slope, it's a wonder you didn't kill yourself."

Neal had tears in his eyes as he looked at Buzz. "I wish I had known. I was sitting there dreaming of you holding me when you startled me."

"I tried to tell you without right out saying it. Here slip your cast into this plastic bag."

Neal held out his arm. "I was too busy dealing with discoveries about myself and trying to conceal them from you," he said.

Buzz wrapped the bag snugly around the cast and taped the top. "There, now you won't get it wet."

Groaning, Neal let Buzz help him sit, then closing his eyes he lay back, submerged his body in the surging water, sighed contentedly and relaxed. Buzz knelt at the edge of the tub and caressed Neal's wet chest and belly, while he admired the way the hair trailed from his hirsute chest, down and around his navel and into his thick bush.

He watched Neal's pink knob bobbing about in the churning water. When he grasped the shaft, Neal's eyes popped open with a gasp. "Oh, my God, that feels so wonderful. I've wondered what it would feel like for someone to touch it." He lay back enjoying the ecstatic feelings coursing through his body.

"Are you telling me that I'm the first person to ever touch your beautiful manhood?" Buzz voice was filled with disbelief.

"Other than my mother … and I was probably about five then," Neal murmured. His eyes were closed as his whole being centered on the sensations Buzz was causing. When he climaxed, he'd have sunk if Buzz hadn't held him in a gentle embrace until he regained his senses, then he totally relaxed, letting the massaging hot water take some of the soreness from his body. On his knees, his chin resting on his crossed arms on the edge of the tub, Buzz watched him until the timer automatically shut off the water jets. He then helped the relaxed, near somnolent, young man out of the tub and lovingly dried him, then after rewrapping his ribs, led him to his bed, and helped him into it, then knelt down beside him.

"You have answered my prayers. Rest well, my love." He gently kissed Neal's lips, rose and turned off the light, leaving Neal to recuperate from his tumble.