---

Although Jorge Lobos had some fond memories of the year he gone to college in San Patricio, he hated the small town mentality of its citizens. He hired extra guards to keep them at a distance from the filming. He'd objected to the location knowing that Buzz basically owned most of downtown San Patricio, and that the local sheriff was a close friend. Jorge had insisted that the town's leaders not be told that he was the director until after all the agreements and legalities had been signed. When the sheriff had found out that Jorge was the director, he simply assigned one of his deputies 'to deal with the man.' He wanted nothing to do with him either.

While the crew was setting up a scene in the riverside park, Jorge had taken a break and was leaning against his car watching the local kids cruising by. After watching a dark haired young man cruise by in a flashy red Mustang convertible three times, he had asked an off duty deputy working as a guard who the kid was and was told that the boy was Billy Ogden.

Later, while the filming crew set up in a building just off the square, Jorge drove through the high school parking lot and found the car. He staked it out and when school had let out for the day, he got a close up view of the boy with his younger blonde brother, who was already a head taller than he was, and petite little sister. It was like seeing himself, Claire and Buzz as young teenagers.

Jorge wished that there was some way to talk with Billy, but figured that other than to satisfy his own curiosity, there was no reason to disrupt the boy's life. He was sure that the boy had enough problems dealing with life without him adding to them. So he'd returned to the movie set and got on with his work.

* * *

Billy had earlier seen the dark-haired man leaning against the Mercedes downtown. He'd noticed the man watch him as he drove by, and had driven by a twice more to confirm that the man was interested in him. Now here the man was in the school parking lot, intently watching him again. As Billy got close enough to see his features, he wondered if this man could be his real father, they looked so much alike. Was that why the man was so intently watching him?

He had to find some way to speak to him without Tim and Dori around, so he took them home and then sped back into town. He cruised around the downtown park that ran along the river. Finding the Mercedes, he wandered around the edges of the shoot looking to catch a glimpse of the man.

There were a group of people with clip boards standing around a man who was telling them what he wanted done. Billy moved closer to see if that was him. One of the guards saw him and told him to move off the premises. At that moment he made eye contact with the man. The man called out for a break, and everyone moved away. Billy was rooted to the spot as the man walked toward him.

"Hi, Billy."

"How do you know my name and why were you watching me at school?" Billy demanded.

"Well, I know your name because I asked who you are. And I wanted to see you up close."

"Why? Are one of those perverts who likes boys?"

Jorge shook his head, surprised at the boy's belligerence. "No, Billy, I'm not a pervert. I knew you mother when we were in college. We were good friends." He paused and glanced around. "Your dad would be furious if he knew you were talking to me."

"Do you think that I care? Everything I do makes him angry."

"Isn't he good to you, Billy?"

"Yeah, he's good to me." He stuffed his hands into his pockets and scuffed up the grass. "He gives me anything I want; he just doesn't love me, that's all."

"Why is that?"

"He's not my real father. I don't look anything like him or my brother."

"No, you don't."

He looked up at Jorge, staring him in the eyes. "I look a lot like you though. And you were close friends with my mother. Does that mean that you're my father?" Billy watched the man blush. And then in a moment of insight, he asked, "That's why you were watching me, isn't it?"

"You are a very perceptive you man."

"So you are… my real dad?"

"I didn't say that."

"But you don't deny it."

"Look, Billy, Buzz Ogden is your dad. Leave it at that. I have to get back to the shoot."

The man turned and yelled. "Alright, everyone, breaks over, let's get back to work." Billy watched for a moment and then grabbed a man's arm that was walking by.

"Hey, Mister, what is that man's name?"

"Which man are you pointing at?"

"The one who is telling everyone what to do."

"Oh, that's Jorge Lobos. He's the director."

"Thanks, Mister." Taking one last look at Jorge, feeling a burst of pride that his real dad was a big movie director, Billy turned back to his car. He wondered if the man was so afraid of Buzz.

* * *

Claire was preoccupied with wondering why, after all these years, Jorge had returned. She had written the one letter to him explaining that she had come to terms with Buzz and hadn't heard from him since. She had been hurt that he didn't protest her decision, but as she immersed herself in the task of raising her son she gradually put Jorge and the one time she'd stepped over the line in her friendship with him out of mind.

She spent the rest of the day arguing with herself about giving in and going into town to see him, after all Buzz had said he didn't mind. After a restless night she could not contain her curiosity any longer. Driving her little black Fiat into town in the cool of the fall morning, she thought about why she had seduced Jorge that fateful day. Jorge had been a virgin as far as sex with a woman, but he'd been a caring and tender lover to her. Deep in her heart she held dear those moments she'd been coupled with him. She wondered if Jorge did.

Having discovered that the filming crew was in the downtown park, she parked as close as she could and leaned against the fender of her car wondering how to find Jorge without everybody noticing. She was sure Buzz would soon hear that she had come into town seeking him, but the way that Buzz had been acting the last few days she didn't care. Besides he'd said that he wouldn't object if she wanted to see him.

As she stood there thinking, she heard a voice behind her. "Claire? Claire is that you?"

She turned to see Jorge running toward her. She smiled as he wrapped her in a tight embrace.

"God, Girl, I had decided that you weren't going to see me while I was here. I called your house and your maid answered. Damn, did she ever read me a riot act."

"Maria is very protective of anything to do with Buzz. She's worse than having a mother-in-law living with us."

"So how is life treating you?"

"I have a good life. And you?"

"Hey! I live in L.A. I work in the film industry. It's a dog eat dog world unless you're on top."

"And aren't you on top? I mean you're a big film director now."

Jorge studied Claire's beautiful face. Sixteen years had only added a bit of character, making her even lovelier than she'd been the last time he'd seen her - the only time he'd ever made love to her. He swallowed the thought and said, "I've made a fair name for myself, but I'm still a long way from the top."

Claire stared into Jorge's eyes searching for her old friend. What she saw made her breath catch. Just for a moment she saw his unshielded desire for her. She'd never considered how he held his emotions at bay. He had been her close friend. She'd always thought of him as being gay because he didn't date nor had he ever made any overt passes at her. Until she'd run to him when she'd discovered Buzz in bed with another man she'd not considered him even as a sexual being. But when she begged him to make love to her that fateful morning, he had left her sated, fulfilled and very pregnant.

Suddenly, Claire didn't have anything to say. She smiled at him feeling shy and he grinned back knowing what she was thinking. He quickly changed the path of their thoughts by saying, "I saw Billy."

"Oh, God. Really? He didn't see you, did he?"

"He came over and talked to me. He sure looks like his dad, doesn't he?"

Claire lost her smile. "He looks so much like you that it drives Buzz crazy. He was always so jealous of our friendship."

"Billy sees the similarity in our looks, too. He asked me right out if I was his father."

"Oh God… no." She glanced up at the corner windows of the office building across the street wondering if Buzz had seen Billy talking to Jorge. She momentarily wondered if he might be watching now, and shrugged. After all, he had given his okay for her to see her old friend. Distractedly she asked, "What did you say to him?"

"I told him that Buzz is his dad and to leave it at that."

"I wish that I had given him to you. It was selfish of me to keep him."

"Do you think that he would have been better off without a mother?"

"Possibly. Buzz can hardly stand to let him exist. He has never said a word, but I can tell he has a difficult time being a good dad to him. But I've got to give him credit though … he does try."

"I've missed you, Claire - our late night talks. You're the only person I've ever called my best friend, you know."

"I know. Same for me. I've not even had a close friend since you."

An assistant walked up and interrupted. "Mr. Lobos, the set is ready for you."

"Thank you, Barry, I'll be right there." He turned back to Claire. "I have to go. Will I see you again?"

"I'll try to get back tomorrow. I think I'll head home and go horseback riding."

"It's been wonderful to see you again. I've got the whole crew waiting for me. I've got to run. Tomorrow then?"

Claire nodded. She held out her hand. He took it in both of his, kissed the back of it and let it slide off his finger tips as he backed away and then turned to hurry off to his waiting crew.

Claire watched for a moment before turning to her little car.

* * *

Buzz took a break from the proposal he was reading and stood up to stretch. He wandered over to the window that looked out over the park. He noticed that the filming company had moved to the corner of the park to film. He watched the beehive of activity. As he watched he saw Claire's little Fiat pull into a space up the street. For a moment his chest tightened with a flare of jealousy as she hesitantly got out of the car and sat on the front fender. Then, as he remembered their conversation on the cliff top, he deflated.

He saw a man running down the side walk and realized it was Jorge. He watched Claire push off the fender of her little car and hug him. A moment of jealous rage reared its ugly head, but then he realized the hug was only friendly. He watched them talk for a few minutes, and then saw Jorge called back to the set. He watched him kiss her hand, before he walked away. Claire got back into her little Fiat and drove away. He wondered what was said and if they planned on seeing each other again. Thoroughly depressed, he turned back to his desk and listlessly picked up the proposal.

* * *

"Buzzy called while you were gone," Maria informed Claire as she entered the kitchen when she got back to the house.

"Did he say what he wanted?"

"Only that he wanted to talk to you. He asked where you were."

"And you told him?"

"I told him only that you had left in your car."

"Maria? Have you ever had a close friend?"

"A close friend? No, not really. This family has been my whole life. I guess you could say that Flo was my friend. She and I would have very nice talks sometimes. Why do you ask that?"

"Jorge Lobos was my best friend. He was never my lover. He is how do you say in Spanish? Joto? He likes men. I made him make love to me one time when I had a big fight with Buzz. He is Billy's father. That is why Buzz doesn't want me to see him. I saw him today for the first time in sixteen years. It was like yesterday that I saw him last. You know what I mean? He is still my best friend."

"That is nice, Claire. Sometimes my Buzzy is very selfish. But he is a good man and he loves you."

"Yes, he is a good man, Maria."

"Are you going to call him?"

"No. I do not wish to fight with him today. I'm going to go horseback riding. I'll talk to him tonight."

Claire led her favorite mare out of the stall. After putting a bridle on her, she removed the halter and then spread the saddle blanket over the mare's back. Billy entered the barn and stopped just inside the door. Claire saw him as she turned to pickup her saddle. "Hi, Son, why aren't you in school?"

"I saw my real father yesterday."

Claire blanched, dropped the saddle before turning to asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Jorge Lobos, the man directing the movie they're shooting downtown. I talked to him. He is my real father, isn't he?"

Claire wiped a stray strand of hair off her forehead and looked up into the barn's rafters searching for a way to answer.

"You can't deny it, Mom. I look just like him."

She looked back at her son. "Yes, you do look just like him."

"And that's why Dad doesn't like me, isn't it?"

Claire quickly moved across the barn floor to caress her son's face. "Buzz loves you, Billy, he just has a hard time showing it. Now why don't you go in and get Maria to fix you some lunch then get back to school like a good young man."

Being called a young man instead of a boy somewhat placated Billy. He trudged back into the house and Claire finished saddling her horse and rode off into the hills.

* * *

That evening, Buzz said nothing about having seen the meeting between Claire and Jorge. Claire did likewise and said nothing. The evening was spent like most others; Claire working on a painting in her studio off the master bedroom and Buzz in his office at the front of the house.

* * *

The next morning, Claire resisted going back into town. Instead she decided to go riding. An hour later after she'd meandered over to the pond, rode her horse along the deep ravine that split the ranch in two. The trail she followed was a narrow, natural cattle path - worn from centuries of use as they grazed the hillside. Some loose stones skittered down the steep embankment. Since the horse had been over this trail many times in the past, she wasn't paying attention to her surroundings.

* * *

That final day of Claire's life started for Buzz as every day started. He left the house before anyone was up. As he entered the outer office, he could smell freshly perked coffee. Martha was already at her desk. She looked up and smiled.

"Good Morning, Buzz."

She was old enough to be his mother and she was very fond of him. He had inherited her with his father's business and had transferred her to O.E. when he set up his new offices.

"Good Morning, Martha. That's a lovely dress you're wearing."

"This old thing?" She tittered.

"How are you this wonderful morning?"

"Oh, the same. I'm fine except for the little aches and pains of age. But I don't complain."

She went to the coffee pot and filled a cup, adding the exact amount of sugar he liked. Following him into his office, she set the cup on a coaster on the right side of the desk. He took off his suit jacket. She took it from him and hung it on a rack behind the door.

He could have done this all himself, but he knew she liked doing it for him, so he let her. He sat down at his desk and picked up the coffee, took a sip of it, and looked up at her. Despite her grandmotherly appearance she was all business.

"The files on Symcom are here." She placed her hand on a stack of folders sitting to the left side of his desk.

"Those files in front of you are the dossiers on the graduating seniors that were interviewed at the Job Seminar in March. The two on top look very good, especially Martin's. And this is the data on the Provo office you asked for yesterday, and remember, you have an appointment with Mr. Kazaki at two."

"Thank you. Please, don't let me be disturbed for the next few hours."

"Oh, don't forget you have a conference call with Provo and Albuquerque scheduled for eleven-thirty."

Buzz set to work. He glanced though the dossiers. He poked the intercom button.

"Martha, have research do full studies on both of the two files you noted. Neil Martin especially looks promising." He placed the two files to one side, to be studied more fully later. He picked up the files for his Provo office and started reading the top one. The close up of Neal Martin stuck in his mind, blurring the printed page in front of him. He reached over and picked up the dossier and looked at the photo again.

'Damn, this kid is better looking than any movie star I've ever seen,' he thought to himself. The phone rang, shattering his musing. He looked at his watch. It was ten-twenty one. He hit the intercom button and said, "I asked not to be disturbed."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Ogden, Martha is away from her desk and there is a hysterical Mexican woman on the phone demanding to speak with you."

Buzz went on instant alert. Maria never called unless there was an emergency she couldn't handle herself. She was efficient and self-sufficient. His mother had hired her as a young girl fresh out of Mexico, taught her English and trained her to take care of her house and family. Maria had virtually raised Buzz from birth.

He picked up the phone. "Maria?"

"Buzzy, Senora Claire's horse is standing at the gate. It is bleeding, and she is nowhere. I went out and called. She does not answer. I do not know what to do."

He could mentally visualize her wringing her hands helplessly. Buzz pushed aside the dread that washed over him.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Call the vet for me. Be calm, Maria. We'll find her."

He disconnected and called the sheriff's office.

"Geo, Buzz here."

"Hey, Buzz. How you doing?"

"Geo, I've got an emergency. My wife is missing. She went riding this morning. The horse is back at the house without her, it's injured"

Geo dropped his 'good ol' boy' pose and became all business. He loved Buzz; they'd been best buds since grade school. "I'll get a search party together and we'll meet you at the ranch. Don't worry, Buzz, we'll find her."

* * *

Hours later as the sun was setting the search party rode back to the ranch house. The sheriff led Buzz's horse as Buzz carried Claire's broken lifeless body in his arms. The deputies were strung out behind him, their head drooped on their chests. They had found her lying like a rag doll carelessly flung to the rocks at the bottom of a steep-sided ravine. There was a rockslide next to her where the horse had apparently lost its footing and had gone down. They could only guess why she had chosen to ride along the edge of the ravine.

As they rode toward the house Buzz saw Maria hug his children and then pace to the gate, wringing her hands, then lay her head on her folded hands atop the gate, praying. She looked up at the sky. He heard her cry out. "Porque, Madre? Porque?" His eyes burned, they felt dry and bruised, but no tears would come. The hard lump in his throat felt like he had swallowed a dry mud ball and it had stuck.

The sheriff led his horse up to the gate and dismounted. Billy ran out and clasped his mother's dangling lifeless hand. He looked up at Buzz, his angry dark eyes accusing him. Tim had his arm around his sister's shoulders. When Dori saw her mother's lifeless body, she hid her face in his chest.

"Why is her hand so cold?" Billy cried.

Sheriff George quickly dropped from his horse, put a comforting arm around Billy and gently removed his dead mother's hand from his. Two deputies took Claire's body while Buzz dismounted, then he took her back into his arms and buried his face in her breast. He wished that the tears would flow to ease the painful knot inside.

Someone led him by the arm, past Maria with her arms around the twins, into the house. He laid her out on a sofa in the living room. As he folded her hands across her breast, he felt Maria usher Tim and Dori to each side of him.

She ran to the kitchen and wet a towel and ran back to kneel beside Buzz. She gently wiped the crusted blood and dirt from Claire's face and hands. Buzz looked up and saw Billy standing alone at the end of the sofa, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. His dark hair hung in his face.

"Your mother is gone. Your precious mother is gone" he said holding his arms out to the boy, but Billy just stared at him through his tears, so Buzz gathered the twins to his chest as they cried.

Billy scrubbed the tears from his eyes and walked over to look down at his mother's face. He shoved the feeling of abandonment to the back of his mind, leaned down and kissed her cold cheek. "Bye, Mom." he whispered. Straightening up he stared at the kneeling man he'd called his dad all his life. "Are you going to throw me away now?" Billy asked.

It took several seconds for the momentousness of the simple question to process in Buzz's mourning mind. He let go of the twins and pulled Billy into his arms. "Oh God, Billy, there is no way I'll ever throw you away. I'm sorry if I've made you feel that way."

Billy hugged the big blonde man who had never before shown any love for him. "I love you, Dad." he mumbled into Buzz's chest. Buzz hugged him tighter, but still didn't say the words Billy so badly needed to hear. Tim and Dori wrapped their arms around Billy and their dad. Tim whispered in Billy's ear, "We love you, Billy."

Billy pulled away from Buzz and turned to Tim giving him a hug. "Thank you, little brother." Tim smiled as he laid his chin on the top of Billy's head.

Maria had moved to the other end of the sofa. She had covered her head with her apron as she wept and prayed to the Mother of God. A deep anger stirred in Buzz's heart toward Her and Her Son for not listening to Maria's Prayers.

The deputies had drifted back outside. George thanked them for their assistance. The sheriff walked back into the house and called the coroner and the local priest. He went over to Buzz and told him that if there was anything else he could do he would. Buzz numbly thanked him and George went outside to wait for the coroner.

Maria dried her tears and gathered the young ones into the kitchen, insisted they eat something, then put them to bed. Buzz remained kneeling by Claire until the coroner came and took her body away. He pulled himself together and dealt with the priest and his covey of churchwomen about the details for the funeral.

* * *

The funeral for his beloved wife was held in the huge living room of his ancestral home. It had originally been the central courtyard of a classic hacienda. His father had roofed it over and turned it into it present use.

Claire's body lay in state under the giant painting of Don Cristobal Guzman and his wife Dona Maria Angelina, Buzz's great great grandparents. The priest from the Old Spanish Mission presided over the ceremony. Claire's family came up from Pasadena. Buzz was glad to see them again even under such sad circumstances. Claire's brother was constantly at his side offering emotional and physical support. To Buzz he was the little brother that he always wanted.

There must have been seventy-five to a hundred people gathered in that room to say their goodbyes to Claire, but more to pay their respect to Buzz. In his numb state he didn't remember half of them, but he accepted their condolences and shook their hands, and got a many hugs.

Jorge mixed with the people who had come to say farewell to Claire as she lay in state in the huge central room of the Ogden home. He felt like a criminal sneaking in to say goodbye to the only person he'd ever called his best friend. He was glad he'd gotten to see her one last time.

Searching the room, he didn't see Buzz, so he stepped up to the casket. Kissing his finger tips, he placed them against Claire's lips. It shocked him that they were cold and unyielding.

"Good bye, Cara Mia, I am so sorry," he whispered.

With tears in his eyes that made it difficult to see, he pushed his way through the crowd and out the front door, unaware that the Sheriff had seen the little intimacy and had followed him out. As he opened his car door a large hand suddenly gripped the top of it, pulling it further open. He looked up into the face of the one man he'd always intensely disliked - Buzz's old sidekick from his college days. He remembered how they were always together when Buzz wasn't in school. He'd been a cocky sheriff's deputy back in those days assigned to patrol the University grounds.

"Jorge ol' buddy, imagine seeing you here."

The Sheriff's false joviality repulsed Jorge. "Sheriff, we may have first names in common, but that's all. So don't give me that ol' buddy crap."

"Does Buzz know you were in his house?" George asked with a menace in his voice.

"Would he keep me from saying good-bye to my dearest friend?"

"How could you call her that? She refused to see you for the last sixteen years."

"She did it under duress."

"Did you get a look at your bastard son?"

"Look, Sheriff, the boy doesn't deserve that."

"He's a wild one and looks just like his daddy."

Jorge slid in to the driver's seat. "Buzz is his daddy. I was given no say in the matter. I would have taken the boy and raised him as my own given the chance. Claire wanted to keep him."

"Her mistake."

"It's one we all have to live with. Besides, it is really none of you business." Jorge pulled the door closed nearly catching the Sheriff's fingers as he let go of it. "I have to get back to the shoot." Starting the car and slamming it into reverse, he peeled rubber as he backed out of the parking space. Flashing a devil may care grin at the sheriff, the tires squealed again as he drove away.

* * *

Several people gave eulogized, and then the pallbearers carried her casket up the hill to the family cemetery. The six men were a statement of who Buzz was and of how much he was loved by the community. Salomon Gonzales, mayor of San Patricio, Jacob Simmons, president of the university, and George Bentley, the County Sheriff were three of them.

The priest offered a last prayer and commended Claire to God. Her casket was lowered into the hole along with Buzz' heart. As each person filed by the grave and tossed a handful of dirt into that dark hole, he felt each bit of earth bury his heart a little deeper. Blackness descended on him. His mind closed down. He couldn't accept the loss, or the guilt.

He didn't remember much of what happened after that.

Maria had left and he was alone in the house. He could recall walking in to their bedroom and being enveloped in a dark swirling hole that had sucked him down into its blackness. Maria had told him later that he had destroyed the inside of the house. He saw on his return from the hospital that all of Claire's small personal things, her paintings and writings were gone.

He remembered waking in the hospital screaming for someone to help him out of the deep hole into which he had fallen, and being given a shot to put him back to sleep. He remembered waking again with Claire's mother, and his three young ones around his bed.

The one image he remembered most vividly was Billy leaning against the wall in the hospital room looking so lonely and lost. He had called him to the bedside and hugged him. He told him that he knew how he felt having lost his mother. Billy had whispered, "I love you, Daddy."

That had been the only second time he could recall Billy ever saying those four words to him. And Billy had hugged him back. That had broken the dam; the tears finally flowing freely released the black grip on Buzz's heart. But he had failed again to tell the boy that he loved him.