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Max crawled into bed bone weary and lonely. Always having had family around him, he hadn't yet accustomed himself to being by himself. As he thought about how things used to be, he was thankful that he now had Claire to visit with and share meals. He wondered why he'd never thought of getting his own apartment when he lived back home. He was twenty-two and had never thought of living away from home until he was heading off to graduate school.

As he thought about it, he realized that he really was immature compared to most guys his age. Why his parents had never urged him to leave the nest, he couldn't fathom. It seemed that other parents were happy to see their offspring off on their own. Hell, even David had married Eve when he was only twenty, and they'd gotten their own home. His dad had even helped build it after David had designed it and drawn up the blueprints.

Thanks to Dave's generosity, they'd finished their education and now David was working for his dad and Uncle Joe's construction company as an architect. Eve had born twin boys a year after she'd graduated.

His parents had been happy for David to move out, and his mother had immediately set up a home office for his dad in David's old room. Max wondered if it was because he was gay that his parents felt more protective of him. He knew that when he went back home, his room would be waiting for him just as he'd left it.

Max's thoughts turned to the times shared with Joseph in his room. The two boys had often slept together at one or the other's home. That was when they made love to each other. That was when they'd say they loved each other. Max missed being cuddled up against Joseph's long slender body. He reminisced about how, as they grew, he would measure Joseph's muscles, the girth of his chest, biceps and thighs.

His cock started filling as he remembered the feel of Joseph's big hard muscles. He took it in his hand as he relived a particular afternoon by the pool. It was the day they had first taken each other anally. Joseph had been fourteen. He'd been the one that had acquired the lube and condoms. Even at seventeen, Max had been too shy to push for that kind of sex. That was the first time they'd admitted that having sex was making love. He climaxed to the memory of how it felt to have Joseph inside him. It had made him feel like they were one, and he had felt whole, complete.

He cleaned himself off with his underwear, feeling more alone than ever. With a big sigh, he refused to even think about the last time he'd seen Joze naked. He pulled the extra pillow down, wrapped himself around it and soon found momentary surcease from his plight.

Max spent a lot of time thinking about Joseph and how he could rectify their situation. But when it came to doing anything, acting on a decision, inertia took over, and he couldn't do it. He'd thought about calling him. He probably had the same cell phone number he used to have at home. It wouldn't take much effort to get his number even if he had a different one. But when it came to actually picking up a phone and following through, Max hesitated, and put it off again.

As time slipped by and he settled into his new life, it became habitual to not do anything about his situation with Joseph, especially with the ideal Southern California weather. Sure it was August and it was hot during the day, but not muggy like it could get back home. After an early morning run, he'd spend the rest of the day exploring L.A., discovering that it consisted of many small towns and communities that had been merged into one big mega city. Before he knew it, school was starting and his daily routine changed to accommodate his new class schedule. The situation with Joseph floated in limbo.

Mid August had come quickly for Joseph. He was packed and ready to head east to Massachusetts. Dave had wanted to give a big party for him, but Joseph insisted that he wanted only a small breakfast party for just the family on the day before he left. Dave had laughed. There was no such thing as a small family affair in the Paolini Darcy Brown clan. "That's twenty people including you and your young twin cousins."

'Twenty one if Max was here,' Joseph noted to himself.

Dave caught the sad expression. "Maybe next time it will be all twenty one of us again, Joseph," he said.

"Do you really think there is any hope, Dave? You know Max better than anyone else; do you really think there is any hope of him coming around?"

"Joseph let me ask you a question. Do you think that you can move on and forget about Max?"

"You above all people know the answer to that. Max and I are soulmates, we'd never be happy with anyone else."

"I guess you've answered your own question. Max and you have grown up, coddled in this gentle atmosphere. It's my feeling that you both, but especially Max, will be doing a lot of maturing out in the world on your own. With maturation comes viewing things less starkly, less black and white. There are a lot of grey areas in all things. Max will figure out, eventually, that neither of you are perfect. And with that discovery will come forgiveness."

Joseph thought for a bit. "I guess I need to figure out how to forgive him, too. It would be so easy to hate him for his obstinacy."

Dave smiled, but didn't feel the need to reply.

On one of his early jogs through the neighborhood, Max discovered a small gym on Pico Blvd. which was only about five blocks from his apartment. On impulse, he stopped in to check it out and ended up joining right then. The gym became a daily mainstay in his life.

Max's new routine began by rising at six a.m., running from his apartment to the gym, vigorously working out and then continuing his run on a circuitous four mile route back to his apartment where he ate a bowl of cold cereal, showered and dressed for the day. Despite the gym being in the middle of Yuppyville USA, there were only seven other people in the gym on a daily basis at that early hour. Max immediately noticed the big burly young man that worked out at the same time he did.

Max and Bearguy (as Max privately named him) covertly eyed each other daily for about a week, and then one morning when Max walked into the dressing room which contained a toilet and showers, Bearguy was sitting on a bench putting on his gym shoes.

"Hey," the big fellow said to him.

Max smiled, said, "Hi" and stepped into the toilet on the far side of the room. When he finished and came back out, the fellow was still sitting there just grinning at him. Max tried to ignore him and still be friendly as he washed and dried his hands, but Bearguy stood and stuck his hand out and said, "I'm Ben."

"Max," he replied, shaking the fellow's big paw.

"I was wondering if you'd be willing to be my workout partner. We both need a spotter."

"Sounds good to me," Max said, "but I doubt I can even pick up the weight you press."

"Maybe not, but you can help me guide it back to the rack if I need it." Ben grinned even bigger. "Besides, if you spot for me, I get to look up your shorts."

Max's looked aggrieved.

Ben started apologizing. "I'm sorry, Max. The way you've been looking at me this last couple of weeks, I assumed you're gay and found me attractive."

Max ignored the apology and asked, "Why would you want to look up the shorts of a small guy like me?"

The question took Ben by surprise. "I like little guys like you. You're just the right size to cuddle."

"Oh," Max said and turned to the door.

Ben still didn't know whether or not Max was gay. Max's question and non committal response had thrown him. Being that Max was so much smaller in stature; it was possible that this was his way of handling the situation rather that punching him in the face, like bigger straight guys would.

Max knew he was less well endowed than many men. He couldn't help but notice that Ben had a big basket and had assumed that he, in turn, would want someone as well hung. It never occurred to him that size wasn't all that important to most men. He pushed open the door before pausing to say, "When you get ready to press weights, tell me." He then walked out, leaving Ben in an even bigger quandary.

Throughout his workout, Max kept his eyes to himself. His mind was busy wondering what making love to someone besides Joze would be like. He couldn't quite wrap his mind around it. But the thought of just cuddling up against Ben's hairy chest and letting him wrap his big muscular arms around him had Max about half hard. He was glad he wore a tight jock.

When Ben had worked through every exercise except his presses, he walked over to Max who was sitting on a bench doing wrist curls. Max glanced up at him. "Ready for me?" he asked.

Ben solemnly nodded.

Max looked him in the eye and asked, "Do you want me to go take my jockey strap off so you have something to look at?"

Ben furiously blushed. "Max, I was just flirting with you. I'm sorry I said that, didn't really mean anything by it."

"I'll do it if you want me to." Max said, staring at him.

Ben shook his head. "I'd probably drop the weights on my neck."

"That wouldn't be pleasant. Especially, if I couldn't lift them off."

Ben studied Max, half expecting him to burst out laughing. But Max was serious and that perplexed him. He couldn't figure out where Max was coming from. "So are you gay or not?" he finally asked.

Max hadn't gotten used to the forwardness and the openness of Californians and mentally cringed before he shrugged. "I'm gay." He turned away, blushing furiously. Again, leaving Ben wondering what in hell Max's game was.

Ben shook himself out of his quandary and walked over to the bench, added ten more pounds to his usual weight on each end of the bar, then double checked that the weights were tightly locked. He lay down and wiggled to get comfortable before he grasped the bar. Max moved up to stand on the back side of the rack ready to grasp the bar if needed.

Ben lifted the bar off the rack and brought it down to his chest and then raised it until his arms were straight. He repeated the action fifteen times before he started really straining. On nineteen, he got it about half way up and started faltering.

"Come on, you big burly muscle bear, you can do it," Max growled.

Ben took a deep breath, his arms quivering, he pushed it on up.

"I told you that you could do it." Max grabbed hold of the bar to help steady it. "Okay, do one more." He helped lower it to Ben's chest. Still holding onto the bar, he moved a little closer, straddling Ben's head. Intent on seeing that Ben safely did one more, he'd forgotten about the earlier conversation. Ben had his eyes squinched closed as he pushed up with the bar.

"Harder, Ben, push harder."

Ben's arms were quivering - the blood vessels in his arms and face looked like they might burst. "Push dammit, you big hairy bear," Max yelled. "Push, push. Ah-h, you did it." Max helped him drop it into the hooks on the rack. The other occupants of the gym had stopped to watch. They all clapped on hearing the clang of the bar settling into its rests. Max grabbed a sweat towel and handed it to Ben as he sat up. Ben nodded acknowledgment and grinned.

He wiped his face and arms and then ran the towel around inside his tank top. A crazy thought of wondering what it would be like to lick Ben's sweaty fur ran through Max's mind and he blushed. Ben saw where his eyes were roaming and saw the hunger and grinned. "You can try it sometime… if you want."

"Ben! Stop it already. Why do you like embarrassing me so much?"

"I didn't mean to embarrass you, Max," he said seriously, then grinned. "But I've got to admit you're awfully damned cute when you blush."

Max blushed again.

"What do you do when you leave here?" Ben changed the subject.

"I run about four miles and then I get ready for class."

"UCLA?"

Max nodded. "Med School."

"Damn, Doc, that's heavy. How are you doing in it?"

"I'm acing it so far. But then, I just started a few weeks ago."

"That's fantastic, Max. Would you like a running partner?"

"You want to run with me?"

"Nuthin' I'd like more," Ben drawled.

They started off at an easy gait, running through neighborhood streets. Soon Ben was breathing a little hard, so Max eased back on his pace.

"Where do you end up? Back at the Gym?" Ben asked when he had gotten his breath regulated.

"No, back at my apartment. It's just a few blocks from the gym."

They ran on in silence a couple of minutes and then Ben said, "How about we end back at the gym and I'll give you a ride home on my hog."

Max grinned. "Really? Is that anything like riding piggyback?"

Ben tried to look menacing as he grinned back at him. "Watch it there, Doc. You're cruising for a bruising."

"Oh, wow, I'm scared." Max dodged Ben's attempted grasp and took off sprinting the last block, leaving Ben to jog slowly by himself. Max was stretching in the parking lot behind the gym when he caught up.

"Show off." Ben panted.

"Ben, I've been running every morning since I was fifteen. You'll get used to it, if you'll keep it up."

Max had only ridden on a motorcycle once before. When he was in high school, Jake, back in UniCity, had taken him for a spin one afternoon while he was waiting for Charley to get off duty. Holding on to Ben's sweaty body had Max rock hard. There wasn't anywhere he could move. He knew that Ben could feel it. Although it was uncomfortable, he was glad he was wearing his jock, at least it wouldn't show when he got off the machine.

As soon as Ben stopped the motorcycle in the driveway Max slid off, catching his foot on Ben's butt and nearly fell.

"Damn, are you in a hurry to go somewhere?"

"I...I just didn't want to embarrass myself anymore."

Ben grinned at him. "I thought it was kind of a complement. Besides it felt good."

Max ducked his head and kicked at the concrete. "So, will I see you at the gym tomorrow?"

Ben still hadn't quite figured Max out. For the moment, he gave it up and said, "Sure, Max, same time?"

Max nodded as Ben backed his cycle around then with a nod and a wave, took off with a roar.

Joseph had always been highly emotional. But after the 'incident', he became nearly emotionless. At first, he wanted nothing more than to curl up and die when Max refused to speak to him, but he soon realized that he'd just have to face up to the loss and try to put his life back together. Joseph never, for a moment, forgave himself for being so weak.

He'd never considered being anything except a lawyer like his father, but rather than teach, he wanted to have a practice where he could help the less fortunate. Maybe he could work with Charley's dad and his partner. He reset his priorities in that direction. Having been raised Catholic, he briefly considered becoming a monk in a contemplative monastery, but realized that he was not cut out for a monastic life.

He fought depression constantly. Under his parent's watchful eyes he'd continued to see Dr. Chestnut every week until he left. He'd been instructed to call him anytime he felt the need.

His parents flew into New York and met him. For four days, they enjoyed exploring the city, having dinner in wonderful restaurants and then each night going to see a Broadway play. He could see that they still worried about him, but he assured them that he was perfectly stable and healthy. He would be fine on his own. Driving a brand new bright red Miata, a graduation gift from Dave and Joe, he left for Harvard to settle in.

After three days of running with Ben and then being dropped off at his apartment, Max had worked up the courage to ask, "Would you like to join me for breakfast? It's just Cheerios, grated apple and 2% milk."

"Sounds refreshing on a warm morning like this," Ben responded with a big grin.

Ben dismounted, grabbed his saddle bag and followed Max up the stairs and into his apartment. "Nice place," he said looking around.

"I take it you have clothes in there," Max said, using his chin to point at the saddle bags hanging over Ben's shoulder.

Ben nodded.

"Wanna take a shower before you eat?"

"Wanna shower together?" Ben asked. Max blushed as he chewed his lip and studied Ben's face. "C'mon. I'll wash your back and you can wash mine."

He took Max's hand, led him into the bathroom and helped him get out of his clothes. When he saw Max's genitals he grinned. "Damn, Max, the way you were talking, I thought you'd have a teeny weeny. That is a very respectable cock you got swinging there." Max blushed, but didn't try to cover his turgid state. He was determined to go through with this, his mind awhirl with the warring of lust, guilt, desire, anger, and sadness.

Ben quickly stripped and turned the water on. Max got even harder admiring his muscular backside and buttocks. He felt like he would lose his load when Ben turned around brushing his big throbbing cock against him as he urged Max to get in. "Relax, Max. We won't do anything you aren't ready to do. Turn around and let me wash your back."

Like an automaton, Max turned and docilely let Ben wash his back. Ben ran his hands around Max's torso touching his nipples and sticking a finger into his navel as he rubbed his cock against Max's back. But it was too much when Ben ran his fingers down through his bush and wrapped them around his hard rod. Max started quivering as he lost his load against the tiled wall. Ben started shooting his own load against Max's back. He collapsed to his knees with his head pressed against Max's back, he held him tightly as they both came down from their highs.

When Ben felt Max shaking and realized that he was sobbing, he turned him around and gently pulled him against his chest. "What's wrong Max? Didn't you enjoy that?"

"Please let me go," Max cried out in anguish.

Ben dropped his arms. Max fled the shower, grabbed a towel as he left the bathroom and covered himself, not bothering to dry himself. Ben quickly finished his shower and dried off. He wrapped the towel around his middle and went in search of Max. He found him curled into a tight knot in the one club chair. His knees were drawn up to his chest with his arms tightly wrapped around his legs. His head rested on his knees and his longish hair dripped rivulets down his shins.

Ben knelt beside the chair and caressed a hand down Max's back. Max shuddered and Ben pulled his hand away. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize my touch was so repulsive. I won't touch you again."

Max's head shot up and he glared at Ben through red rimmed eyes. "Don't act stupid."

Ben was confused. "I don't understand."

"I'm as bad as Joze. Worse. I condemned him for his weakness."

Ben pulled the towel from around his own waist and started drying Max's hair. "You want to explain what you're talking about?"

Max felt like a small child, letting Ben dry him.

"Joze was my lover. We'd been together since I was fifteen. We're soulmates, each a half of the whole." Max went on to tell Ben the full story. "So my wanting you… makes me worse than Joze," he concluded.

"Why? You two are no longer together."

"Don't you understand? We may be a continent apart, but we will always be connected. Like I said, we're two halves of a whole."

"How do you know Joseph hasn't moved on, found another lover?"

"He can't, not anymore than I can."

"You're sure of that?"

Max nodded.

Ben dropped to the floor in a half lotus, folded the towel and laid it across his lap, then for several minutes, studied Max who had rested his forehead back on his knees.

"You know in your heart, Max, that it was a onetime fuck up on Joseph's part. Surely, he didn't do it with the intention of hurting you. Things like this can happen sometimes, totally by mischance."

Max gave no indication that he heard. Ben's stomach growled, so he wandered over to the kitchen, wrapping the towel around his waist as he went. He hunted around until he found spoons, bowls, cereal and milk. On the cooking island that served also as a breakfast bar there was a bowl of fruit. He picked out a couple of bananas and sliced one into each bowl. Max was still curled in tight on himself. Ben walked over to him. Sliding his hands under his arms, he lifted Max out of the chair. "Enough of this shit. Come on and eat. You have a class to get to in an hour."

Max stood and moved away from him. "Why are you still here?" he asked

Ben took him by the shoulders and turned him around. With his fingers under Max's chin, he lifted it to look into his eyes. "As much as I'd like it, we can't be lovers, but we can still be good friends. You need a friend, and I'm damned good at being a friend. So get over it, and eat." He kissed Max on the forehead and ushered him, clothed only with a towel around his waist, over to the bar. Ben continued to talk to him while they ate. And then he sent him to get dressed and ready for school while he rinsed the utensils they'd used and then he dressed himself.

A few minutes later, both young men were descending the stairs. Claire was watering a row of rose bushes along the fence that divided the lawns. She looked up and smiled with a question in her expression. Max ignored it and introduced Ben to her. Claire warmly shook his hand and told him he was welcome to come around anytime. Max took umbrage at that, but hid his resentment. After Ben mounted his motorcycle and left, Claire looked at Max who was still standing there. It was plain that he'd been crying. "Does this mean what it looks like?" she asked.

"And just what does it look like, Claire?"

"Are you moving on, Max?"

"Ben is just a friend. I think he'll be a very dear friend, but still just a friend."

Claire nodded and watched the water flowing out of the hose. "Well, have a good day in class," she said, dismissing him.

Max couldn't decide whether she simply didn't believe him, or whether she was disappointed that he wasn't moving on with his life. He mentally shrugged as his got into his little red Miata and backed out onto the street. As he drove away, Claire waved… he distractedly waved back.