Charley wasn't quite sure what he'd expected to happen when he went to see Jake. Somehow he had thought that everything would be okay. But he found that not only did Jake have issues that still needed working through, so did he.

While talking to Jake, he'd discovered his anger at Jim was stronger and more deeply seated than he had realized. He didn't understand how he had sublimated such strong anger. But as he visited with Jake he felt the anger begin to flame.

And then, when Jake had shown him the little bank book with the seven digit deposit, a new door in Charley's psyche creaked open. A door into a room filled with self doubt. Jake had been a struggling writer a few months ago and then over night he was an acclaimed best selling author. Now Dave had made Jake very wealthy. Jake wouldn't need him anymore. He wouldn't want a lowly policeman turned bodyguard as his mate. He had to get away and think this through.

He didn't feel like seeing or dealing with anyone. In no mood to deal with Roger, Dave's homophobic body guard, Charley called Paul and asked him to relay a message of postponement with a promise to have dinner with him soon. He wandered across the campus and down the street, and when he came to the quiet little Campus Bar, he wandered in, ordered a beer and glumly contemplated what had happened and how to deal with it.

I lay there feeling useless and frustrated after Charley walked out. I rang for a nurse. "I need to talk to Dr. Chestnut."

"Is this an emergency?" she asked.

"I don't know. I haven't got a razor, so I guess not," I snapped at her.

That put her into a panic. "I'll see if I can get him up here right away," she said.

"It's not an emergency." I sighed. "I've just a got a weird sense of humor sometimes. Your question just set it off. If he can see me before he goes home for the day, I would appreciate it."

She gave me a stern look, but then agreed to relay the message to him.

I was left to myself again. I stared out the window a while and then remembered I had the cell phone that Charley had given me. I wondered again why he'd left so abruptly and what he was doing. Picking up the phone I debated calling him. Instead I called Jason, hoping he wouldn't be in class.

"You've reached me. Speak."

"Hey, little buddy, it's Jake."

"Jake. Are you okay? Where are you?"

I chuckled. "Thanks to you, I'm in the hospital."

"I had nothing to do with that. It was totally Jim."

"I know, I was just yanking your chain. Why haven't you been up to see me?"

There was long pause and a change in his tone of voice when he eventually answered. "I'm really pissed off at you."

"Me? What did I do?"

"Don't give me all that innocent shit. Look, I'm in the middle of the Quad with people looking at me. Can you have visitors now?"

"Yes."

"I'll be there in ten. What room?"

"I have no idea?"

"I'll ask."

I lay there holding the dead phone wondering what Jason was angry about. I didn't have long to wait before he came bursting through the door. He stood at the end of the bed and glared at me. Neither of us said a word for nearly a minute.

"You're angry at me." I said to break the silence.

"Yes," he said, but then his shoulders slumped. "No, not really." He slouched into a chair and dropped his books beside it. "No, not really," he repeated like he was arguing with himself, "I guess I'm more disappointed."

That hurt. I could deal with him being angry with me, but ..........disappointment? I guess I had somehow failed him, too.

"I guess it's my fault," he continued. "I had no business putting you on a pedestal. You're only human. I just don't know how you of all people could just lay down to die. I mean you are a big success as a novelist. You have a man that worships and loves you. You have good friends. Why, Jake?"

I heaved out a big sigh. "I'm sorry, Jase. Right now I don't have the answers. I'm trying to work it out with Dr. Chestnut. When I think about it, it's like looking into a deep dark hole, and I don't even have a flashlight."

"When Jim came and asked for Charley's telephone number, he told me you were here, but he wouldn't tell me why. Anyway, I dialed Charley's cell number that you had given me and handed the phone to Jim. Charley was here that afternoon. Jim gave him my address and telephone number. I came to the hospital with him when you were taken out of IC, but I had to get to class.

"When you refused to see Charley, he came back to the house and we talked a long time. That's when he told me about Jim's confession. Do you know he quit the Kirksville police force? He did. Dave hired him on the spot night before last during dinner. Of course, he won't start to work until you get out of here. He's staying with us until then. He's a great guy, Jake. We really like him."

"Thanks, Jase. You're a good friend."

"You look okay, Jake. Maybe a little emaciated. When are they going to let you out of here?

"Emaciated?"

"Skinny."

"Thanks, I know what emaciated means, Guy, skinny sounds better. I haven't asked how long they plan on keeping me here."

"Have you talked to Charley yet?"

"Yeah. He was up here just a while ago."

"So everything is cool with you two?"

"I don't know. Probably. I'm sure we can work it out."

"I hope so. I think you two were made for each other."

I smiled and nodded. There was a pause in our conversation. I wondered if Jason could possibly help me understand Charley's reaction. "Jason?"

"Yeah, Jake?"

"You're more or less in the same boat that Charley finds himself in."

"What do you mean?"

"Dave Gates came to see me earlier." I held up the little bank book. "How did you react to Pete receiving a large amount of money from him?"

"I was overwhelmed by the amount. But Pete only gets small bits of it until he is older and has graduated from college."

"So how do you feel about your boyfriend who was dirt poor suddenly having plenty of money?"

"I've had problems accepting that we were still equals. Before we were both struggling students trying to live on a little of nothing. Actually, I was better off then Pete, my mother left me a small inheritance and insisted that I not work while going to school, where Pete had to have a job. And then we had that fiasco of Arlen kissing Pete. Well, you know all about that. Thanks for letting me use your apartment, Jake. You are a real friend." He paused a second in thought. "The one thing that helped convince me that Pete hadn't changed was when he opened a bank account with both our names on it."

"Yeah, I thought about doing that as soon as I can. Charley didn't give me a chance to tell him that before he left. But he was already preoccupied with what I told him about Jim, so I'm not sure why he left."

"Damn, Jake, that's tough."

"He's also upset about the same thing you are. I don't know the answer. I just felt like the only way I could deal with what happened was to take a nap. I wasn't aware of not waking up. It was just like my mind and body shut down."

"I'm sure Dr. Chestnut will help you figure it all out."

We talked a bit more and then he left for another class. I wasn't sure that he'd gotten rid of his disappointment in me.

I must have drifted off to sleep. I awoke with Allen squeezing my arm and calling my name. I said, "Hi," and raised the bed so I could sit.

"You wanted to see me, Jake?"

"Can you give me the time to talk now, Allen?"

"If you feel the need to do it now, sure. Just let me call home." He took out his cell and dialed. I listened to him talk to his partner, Greg. I smiled when he ended with "I love you, Babe." He caught my smile and grinned. "He's the best," he said. "Now let's get to what's bugging you."

I studied him a moment. Actually, my mind was not on what I was seeing, but on what I was feeling.

"Allen, I'm not the type of person to just lay down and give up. I'm stronger than that. So why did I do it?"

Allen studied me. "Let's go back to when you woke up the morning after. Start from the beginning and tell me everything you did and how you felt."

I closed my eyes and started talking. Allen kept asking at every turn how I felt at that moment. I went from feeling groggy and lethargic when I woke up, to disgust when I realized that I was covered in dried cum with a used condom stuck to my chest, then to raging anger when I remembered the night before.

"Let's stop here a moment, Jake, and analyze why you were so angry."

"I'd just been raped, Doc." I couldn't keep the pedantic tone out of my voice.

"On previous occasions you'd let Jim tie you to the bed and do the same thing he did that night. Other than using a drug to subdue you, what was different?"

"He did it despite my protests."

"Any other thing you can think of that was different?"

I reviewed the entire event and shook my head. "No....yes. Jim had always taken me from the rear. He didn't like the intimacy of doing it face to face. I think he felt that it made him superior. But then he also insisted on getting it the same way when he bottomed. That night he took me from the front. I suppose he thought I'd feel belittled with my legs in the air."

"Why do you think that?"

"Jim was never very talkative during sex. That night he continually called me demeaning names, telling me that my ass was his. I told him that my ass now belonged to Charley. He said to hell with Charley, no one could give me what I need like he could."

"How did you feel about that? Can Charley fill your need as well as Jim did?"

The rage was back. "How the fuck should I know. Charley wouldn't fuck me." I yelled. He sat there stoic as ever. "Besides, aren't you getting a little too personal?" I asked.

"Jake, this whole thing is personal. I'm not trying to violate your privacy. You've got to face these things if you're going to get past them."

"Sorry, Doc. I know that. It's just so damned frustrating."

"Have you discussed this with Charley?"

"No."

Allen waited for me to say more.

"Alright. You already know. I have this need, this craving to get a cock up my ass, to get my prostate massaged."

"And what is wrong with that?"

"It's not masculine."

"Are you saying it makes you feel less of a man?"

"Yes."

"We all get pleasure from getting our prostates massaged with a hard dick. It gives our partners pleasure to make us feel that pleasure. Did you fuck Jim? Did he enjoy it?"

"Yes, not as often as he did me. Yes, he could get off without touching his cock when I fucked him."

"Could you do that?"

"Nearly every time."

"So what is there about it that makes you feel less of a man?"

"I guess the surrender."

"It takes trust to surrender your masculinity to another man. You trusted Jim."

"And he violated that trust." I growled.

Allen raised his eyebrows and waited to hear more.

"I told him I was with Charley now and he went ahead and fucked me."

Allen didn't respond.

"I enjoyed it, dammit. I gave in to the feelings and really got off on it. I came without him touching my cock. He was right. All those names he called me were right on. I am a cock slut." I don't think I'd shed a tear up until then. Tears were flowing freely down my face. Tears of utter shame. Allen eventually broke the silence that had fallen with my last claim.

"How many cocks have you had in your life time, Jake?"

"Only Jim's. Charley hasn't let me have his." I fucking sobbed like a little girl.

"One cock and you are a slut? I don't think so. Even two or three, no way. Four or more, maybe. You've got a long ways to go to being a slut, Jake."

I jabbed the tears out of my eyes and looked at him.

"You are not a slut by any standard," he said. "You want to know something, Jake? I have been around a lot of gay men. Being gay myself and curious about gay sexual practices, I have experienced about all there is in male sexuality. You are an anomaly. Most gay men go through a period of whoring, experimenting with many partners before settling down with just one. Even I went through that. I've never before met a fellow that'd had only two partners. There is nothing feminine about you. In gay lingo there are guys that are bottoms only, they like to get fucked and don't want to fuck. There are tops that like to fuck, but won't allow another man to fuck them. And then, there's guys like you and me, who like it both ways. Some bottoms are the most macho men you'll ever meet and some tops are...... rather effeminate.

"Personally, I think that we, you and I, are the ones that are well rounded. And once you get over your little hangup of it being feminine to let another man enter you, you will be okay."

We studied each other, Allen seeking my understanding of what he was saying and me looking to see if he was telling the truth. I mean, I knew he was, I'd heard and read all that before, but I guess it was just beginning to seep into my reality.

"How long have you known Charley?" he asked.

"A little over four months."

"And he'd been leading a straight life until then?"

"Yeah."'

"So having anal sex with another man was probably a new concept to him. Have you discussed anal sex with him?"

"A little," I replied. And then went on to tell him of our phone conversations.

"So you've not really had a chance to experience it with each other, huh?"

"No, Doc, we haven't."

"Well, I think you'll be out of here in a couple of days. And then you two will have the time. And a lot of your problems will probably vanish when you do."

"You're probably right, Doc."

"Jake, I need to be getting home. My man is holding dinner for me. So I'll see you in the morning at eleven. Okay?"

"Sure, thanks for your time, Allen. Enjoy."

He left and I lay thinking over what we had discussed. I felt better, even though the subject had veered from what I had wanted to talk about. I let my imagination roam free, imagining Charley with his legs in the air, offering me his ass. I definitely didn't see anything feminine about Charley. He was totally man. I then imagined myself doing the same, lifting my legs to allow Charley access to my ass. It didn't make me feel unmanly. I compared the image to how I felt when I let Jim fuck me. Ah! There lay the problem. I'd never realized how Jim's attitude affected me. The way we copulated did make me feel emasculated. With that realization I felt so much better about myself.

I went back to daydreaming about Charley and me. It actually made me horny. I wondered if I could jack off without someone interrupting me. I decided not to chance it, but I did feel good about eventually getting Charley back into bed.

The evening passed without any word from him and I had no other visitors. I had no intention of having a sleepless night wondering what was going on with Charley. I asked for another sleeping pill.

Charley was well into his fourth beer when an older man sat down next to him and ordered a neat scotch. He could feel the man watching him as he sipped his drink, and ignored him for a while, but his presence kept pushing on Charley's awareness. Finally, he glared at the man. "What?" he growled.

The man smiled. "The way I see it, you can sit there and drink until you fall off the stool and then wake up tomorrow with a hangover and still have the same trouble that brought you in here. Or you can talk it out and maybe find a solution."

"Why would you be interested in my problems? You don't know me." Charley snarled.

"No, but you look like your just lost you best friend. I would like to offer my friendship."

"Why? Are you trying to put the make on me?"

"You're a very handsome, virile young man. But I'm not interested in your body. I have a life partner that I dearly love and I have no need of looking for sex anywhere else."

"So why aren't you at home with him?" Charley asked.

"He's in Denver on a business trip. I don't sleep well when he's gone. I abhor television. So, I go out in search of someone like you. You see, I collect people. I feel that you belong in my menagerie."

"What the fuck are you talking about? You can't just go around collecting people like butterflies."

The man laughed. "No, not like butterflies. I get a kick out of helping others like yourself. Befriending them. Helping them to see a solution to their problems."

"You're weird." Charley stated.

"Maybe I am. I'm Jerry Wilson, by the way." He offered his hand to Charley. Charley looked at the hand and then up into the man's sincere eyes. He took his hand.

"Charley Hill."

Alcohol never really solves any problem, but it had lowered Charley's inhibitions enough that when this stranger, named Jerry Wilson, sat down next to him and offered him his ear, Charley told him all of his problems. They nursed their drinks and talked into the wee hours of the morning. Charley ended up telling Jerry the whole story, from the moment he first saw Jake until earlier when he'd walked out of Jake's hospital room. Jerry made no comments about anything Charley told him. He only asked questions, probing questions, questions that directed Charley's thoughts into productive channels. When the bar closed Jerry gave him his business card in case he wanted to talk some more and then suggested that Charley go home and get some sleep.

He headed for Pete and Jason's. But when he got there he couldn't go in. He spurned the thought of that bed without Jake in it with him. He huddled on the porch steps, and thought. When the sky began to lighten he stood, stretched and walked around the university grounds and watched the sunrise, and then went to the Campus Coffee Shop and drank coffee until he figured Jake'd had his breakfast. He then headed to the hospital to see him.

I was again awake before dawn. I needed to relieve my bladder. The jug was sitting within reach, on the cabinet beside my bed. I decided to try walking to the bathroom instead. I found it easy enough to sit up and slide my feet off the side of the bed, so I slid on down to the floor. I felt a little wobbly, but not like I was going to collapse, so I headed toward the bathroom counting my steps as I went. It was fourteen steps to the bathroom door. I collapsed into a chair beside the door and rested until the quivering left my muscles and then counted eight more to the bowl. I sat down to pee.

After flushing, I rested for several minutes more until I felt I could at least get back to the chair. That wasn't too bad. I looked at the bed and felt that it was so far away. I mentally cajoled myself. It was only fourteen steps. I got to the end of the bed and fell forward onto it with my legs dangling off of it. Laying there exhausted, I wondered how I was going to get the rest of the way. I didn't have the energy to crawl up on it. 'Maybe I'll just lie here until someone comes in and helps me,' I thought.

After lying face down like that for several minutes, I decided to make a supreme effort to get up and move around to the side where I could maybe lie back onto the bed and then move my legs up.

I succeeded in getting there and figured that if I collapsed backwards onto the bed then it would only be a matter of swinging my legs up and rolling into place. It didn't work; the bed was too high. I lay backwards and slid into a heap on the floor. Feeling like a fool, I sat there and fumed for several minutes while considering my options.

I crawled to the chair at the head of the bed and used it to get back to my feet. I looked at the bed and wondered why it was so damned high off the floor. I am tall, yet my butt did not reach the edge of the bed. I decided that I would sit down in the chair and ring for help.

When a nurse came in, before she could start reprimanding me for being out of bed, I asked why the bed was so high. She actually blushed. "I apologize, Sir. Someone should have lowered it once you were up and around. It is easier to care for a patient when the bed is high." She took the control I had used to raise the head of the bed for sitting and lowered the whole thing.

I stood and sat on the edge of the bed, but before I could attempt bringing my feet up and turn to lie lengthwise, she was right there doing it all for me. After getting my pillow fluffed and the covers pulled up and smoothed she smiled and said, "Next time ring for help. I wouldn't mind having my game of Solitaire interrupted. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Would it be out of line to request a cup of coffee?" I asked.

"Not at all." She smiled at me. "I just made a fresh pot about twenty minutes ago. Let me get you a cup."

I sipped a cup of steaming coffee and watched the clouds turn pink, satisfied that I had accomplished something this morning and that left me feeling optimistic.

My breakfast tray had just been taken away when Charley appeared still wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday. He looked like he hadn't slept at all and maybe had a little too much to drink. He stood in the doorway and just looked at me. I couldn't decipher his expression, he looked like his mother had just died. I remembered he said he was having dinner with Dave's bodyguard last night. My heart sank.

Charley's mouth worked several times before he got out, "I'm sorry, Jake." He turned and started out the door.

Something snapped inside of me. All this time I've been feeling guilty over something I'd had no control over. "YOU come in here, say you're sorry about I don't know what and then turn away. No way." I bellowed, "Charley get back in here. NOW."

He turned and looked at me. The surprise on his face egged me on. "Get your ass over here and sit down." He hesitated. "Do it." He meekly moved to the chair and sat, wide-eyed. It must have been his Marine training to obey orders when bellowed at.

"Everybody's been making me feel guilty that I was pushing you away. I'm having difficultly believing you would want me after what happened. I really figured that I had lost you because of Jim." I studied him a moment. He stared at his hands in his lap and didn't reply. "I'm still not sure that I haven't," I said. He looked up at me with a pained expression, but still didn't say anything. "So how was your dinner with whatever his name is?" I asked.

"I cancelled the date. I didn't have dinner with him," he mumbled. He glanced up and noticed the relief in my expression. "You're not thinking I did anything with him, are you?" I know I looked guilty. "Jake, I would never do anything like that."

"Yesterday, one minute you were telling me you loved me and then the next you left without any explanation, and then you come back in here this morning and mutter that you're sorry. What do you mean by sticking your head through the door looking like you'd done something wrong, telling me you're sorry and then trying to leave?" I had worked myself into a righteous anger. "Dammit, if you want to end it with me, be man enough to say it's over, and let me get on with having to deal with it." I shouted at him. He winced.

He leaned forward with his hands covering his face. I knew he was going to say that we were finished. I felt a hate so strong toward Jim at that moment I could have killed him with my bare hands. I dreaded hearing the words that would end this wonderful thing that I'd found with Charley.

Charley straightened up and looked me in the eyes. "I need your forgiveness, Jake. I really messed up yesterday." He paused and looked down for a bit and then back up at me.

I suppose saying that I was confused would be an understatement. He'd said that he didn't do anything with that guard and now he was asking my forgiveness.

"When you showed me that bank book," Charley continued, "I felt like there was no need for me in your life. You could have anything or anyone money could buy. I left here feeling useless and unneeded," he said.

I started to object. He held up his hands. "No, let me finish. I went into a bar last night with the sole purpose of getting drunk. I ended up talking to a man until the bar closed. He listened to my story and asked questions that made me think. When the bar closed I headed back to Pete and Jason's, but the thought of that big bed, without you in it with me, kept me from going inside. I sat on the porch until sunrise and then wandered until I found an all night coffee shop and waited for visiting hours to come see you."

I took my time smoothing the sheet and lightweight blanket over my legs as I gather my thoughts. "So this total stranger knows everything. He knows just how you feel about it all, how you feel about me." I looked at him. He looked back at me and nodded, then found something on the edge of my bed to hold his interest. "Okay," I sighed. "I guess that's something I'll have to live with. I guess I'm not worth the effort it would take to tell it all to me."

"Oh, stop it." He barked at me. Jumping up and striding across the room, he turned and looked back at me. He measured his words. "You know I love you more than life itself. But thanks to Dave Gates you don't need me any more. You can have anyone you want with all that money."

"I don't need you any more? How in hell did you come to that conclusion. And how do I know you love me? You're ready to abandon me because of a sum of money?"

He rushed across the room and fell to his knees next to my bed. Both of his hands held my arm in supplication. "No, Jake, I would never do that. Don't doubt me. I quit the police force in Kirksville and moved here for you. Don't those actions show that you can believe in me? I'm feeling as insecure as you. Can't you give me some slack? I want to understand what you are going through. I want us to get past it and be happy together. We had everything going for us. Please, Jake."

I pulled on his arm. "Get up here where we can talk." He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at me. "If, as you said, I have enough money to have anyone. What makes you think I'd want anyone, but you? Are you for sale? Can I, with all this money, buy you?"

He studied me for a moment. "Are you trying to insult me, Jake. You know I'm not for sale."

"So....it's not true then. With all this money I can't have anyone I want."

He had figured out what I was doing and grinned at me. "You can have me for free, Jake."

I frowned at him. "You didn't let me make my point, Charley."

"And your point is?" he asked as if he didn't know.

"That your love is priceless, beyond value. And you are all mine."

"I love you, Jake."

"Then give me a hug. We still have everything going for us." He kissed me on the tip of my nose and wrapped his arms around me. I chuckled. "Charley, I may be weak right now, but I'm not fragile. Hug me like you mean it." He tightened his hold and I quit breathing. "That's more like it," I wheezed. He laughed and planted a big juicy kiss on my mouth. I kissed him back and dueled with his tongue until someone at the door cleared their throat. We both looked to see who had interrupted us.

Gene stood there blushing. "Sorry guys, I did knock."

"Can't you come back some other time?" Charley growled, scowling over his shoulder at him.

Gene grinned at him. "Nope. We've got to get this man strong enough to get out of here." He grinned and added, "It doesn't look like soon will be soon enough."

Charley stood and moved away from the bed. "Can I stay? Maybe I can help."

"Sure, you may watch. But there's nothing you can do to help." Charley grimaced at having his grammar corrected. "Jake has got to do it all on his own." Gene walked up to the bedside and extended a hand. "Come on, Big Fellow. Let's make those muscles work."

"Why so chipper today, Gene?" I asked. I ignored his offered hand and sat up, swung around and stood.

"Hey, you're doing good," he said, handing me a robe. "Ed smiled. I mean he really looked happy this morning."

"Ed?" I asked moving to sit in the wheel chair.

"Oh, I guess I never mentioned his name. My uncle. Ed."

"Ah, so what did he smile about?"

Gene leaned down and whispered, "He woke up with a woody."

Charley cleared his throat. "If you two are going to be telling each other secrets, I should clear out."

"No, please stay. I apologize. My name is Gene, by the way." He offered his hand to Charley.

"Charley Hill." He accepted Gene's hand and they shook.

"My fault, I should have introduced you," I said.

"You're the police officer that all the nurses are swooning over, huh?"

Charley blushed. "I'm not a cop any more."

"He's a private cop now," I said. Gene looked properly impressed.

"Well, lets get down to the PT room," he said, grasping the handles on the back of the wheelchair

"Let me see how far I get before I poop out," I said, and rolled myself out of the room ahead of them.

I listened to Gene filling Charley in on why his uncle had smiled this morning. I thought to myself that he had a lot of courage to be able to tell others about his experience. When I began to tire, Gene started pushing.

Once we got into my routine, Charley got into helping by heckling and cajoling me to do more. I just grinned and tried a little harder. By the time I was finished I felt like I was...finished. I didn't think I would be able to move another muscle, but after the whirlpool I didn't feel so bad, especially with Charley making lewd and lascivious remarks while I was naked. Gene just grinned and watched. It was so good having him there acting like nothing had happened. As I had that thought, the world crashed around me. I felt a sudden change in my perception, like it was all a charade, that Charley didn't really mean what he had been saying, that I'd wake up any moment and find him running from me in disgust.

"Why are you talking like that?" I snapped at him. "You know you don't mean it. I'm just a worthless good for nothing piece of crap. I know you're just going to leave me once I get out of this place."

Charley looked like I had physically hit him. I started weeping, which made me angry. I just don't cry, yet it seemed that's all I've done since I've been in the hospital. Gene started talking to me, reassuring me that Charley had no intention of leaving me, that it was just the emotional trauma coming out.

Charley might have left if Gene hadn't been there to explain to him what was going on in my head. He crawled onto the bed with me once I was back in bed. He cuddled me and he kept telling me things were going to be okay and that he loved me. After a while the shroud began to lift and I remembered all the progressive decisions I'd made.

Papa Joe, the Paolini patriarch, sat on a bench under a tree in the park near his home enjoying the morning sun's warmth. He studied his companion, who paid no attention as he sat next to him. The man sat with his head down, his forearms on his knees, staring at the ground in front of him.

"I don't know what the problem is, Jim, but you've got to snap out of it. You're not eating. You've lost weight. You look like you lost your best friend. Where is the smart-ass that was always talking back? I miss him. For all the company you can be, I'm feeling mighty lonesome sitting on this park bench with you."

"I'm sorry, Joe. I've got a lot on my mind."

"So talk to me."

Jim stared at the ground in front of his feet so long that old Joe started wondering if Jim had heard him. He reached out his aged hand and rubbed Jim's back. "I'm listening, Jim."

Jim looked up at him. The sadness in his eyes tugged at the old man's heart.

"Joe, I've really enjoyed working for you. I like you. But I'm going to have to resign before I become an embarrassment to you and your family."

Old Joe looked at him and frowned. "And what have you done that would be embarrassing to me or my family?"

Jim stared at the ground for a moment and then turned his head to look up at Joe without moving his body. "We've never discussed it, but you know that I am gay."

"Yes, I know that."

"I did a very stupid wrong thing. I'm going to lose my nurse's license. And I could end up in jail."

"What the fuck did you do, boy?" Old Joe asked.

Jim looked up at him. "I drugged and raped a friend." He quickly turned his head to stare back to the ground.

Old Joe was silent a long time as he studied the young man sitting next to him.

"Why aren't you in jail?"

"Jake hasn't pressed charges."

"So why are you about to lose your license?"

"He had a bad reaction to the drug and nearly died."

"While you were fucking him?"

Jim looked up in shock at the old man's bluntness. "No." He shook his head. "It was the next day."

"I don't understand how you can have a reaction days after taking a drug."

Jim went into explaining the whole sordid incident. The old man chuckled about the rubber band around his testicles and told Jim he'd like to meet the man that did it. When he got through the part about finding Jake and getting him hospitalized, he explained what Charley had told him about Jake's promise.

"Sounds to me like this Jake may have had a broken heart." Old Joe commented. "People do die from that you know. They just give up the will to live."

Jim audibly gulped and shook his head. "That would be worse than him nearly dying from a drug reaction. Oh god, that I could take it all back." He shuddered. "I don't know what I was thinking."

Old Joe patted him on the back and chuckled. "That's the thing Jim. You weren't. But, it's pretty obvious that you are remorseful about it. Have you talked to Jake since?"

Jim shook his head.

"Well, it might do you both a lot of good if you did talk to each other about it."

Jim nodded, still staring at the ground. "I told Charley, his new lover how sorry I am."

"That's not the same as telling Jake himself."

Jim nodded again not lifting his eyes from the ground. The old man stared off into space. Minutes passed. Finally Jim sighed. "So I guess I should quit before the family learns about it and fires me."

"What kind of work will you do, if you lose your nurse's license?"

Jim shrugged. "If nothing else, I could always dig ditches or wash dishes."

"You've been a good companion. I'll miss you if you quit." He paused in thought. "Damn, that means I'll probably end up with another crotchety bossy ol' maid."

Jim grinned and looked at the old man. "I've enjoyed working for you. You've never really treated me like a servant."

"Never thought of you as one."

Their eyes met momentarily and then they were again lost in their own thoughts.

By the time Allen came in I was feeling like my normal self. I probably wouldn't have said anything to him about that black episode where all the negativity crashed around my head, but Charley was having none of it. When Allen asked me how I was doing, I answered with a bland, "Fine, Doc."

"He may be fine now, Allen, but thirty minutes ago he was having a bad time," Charley said. "One moment he was happy and joking around with the PT guy and me, and the next he was saying some real crap and being very depressed. It was real Hyde-Jekyll." He made a monster face at me and laughed.

I couldn't help but grin. "Alright, I had a black episode. I'm alright now."

Allen looked at me. "A black episode? That's a good name for it."

I shrugged. "Hey, I got over it. And I'm not a monster." I made a face at Charley. That he could joke and laugh about it made my heart soar. I think that did more for getting me over the hump than all the talking and analyzing I had done with Allen.

"Have you any idea what brought it on?" Allen asked, ignoring Charley's antics.

"Everything was fine, Charley was joking with me while I was going through the physical exercises. And then it just came over me like someone had thrown a blanket over me."

"Do you remember what you were thinking prior to the episode?"

"Sure. I was thinking how good it felt to have Charley being himself with me."

"And then your mind did a flip and started doubting everything?"

"That's a good way to describe it."

"Jake, this kind of thing is to be expected after your experience. You can probably expect a few more episodes before you get over it. I feel that you will get over it quite soon because there really wasn't a lot of trauma involved."

"If that's so, why did he just lay down and go to sleep?" Charley asked.

Allen looked at me. "Can you tell us why, Jake?"

I wasn't sure I wanted to try to explain. I'd had enough Psych courses in college that I had a basic idea why. Allen's bland professional expression for some reason aggravated me. I looked at Charley. The love I saw in his eyes overwhelmed me. God I love him. Yes, he deserved to know why I'd just stop living when I had so much to live for.

"I think that if I can express what I was feeling the next morning maybe you can understand." I was speaking to Charley.

"I'm not a promiscuous man. When I was with Jim, I was with Jim. When I met you I was with you from then on. Jim violated the sanctity of that.

"When I woke up and remembered what he had done and how I had given in to the physical needs that he was abusing, I felt dirty. I scrubbed my skin raw and still didn't feel clean. I felt like he had taken my worthiness to be your mate. I felt that you would reject me for being so easy. I mean I had ended up enjoying what Jim was doing to me. If I could have spoken I would have been begging for more. And that angers me, that I could be so weak.

"Jim knew of my weakness, of my need. He took advantage of it. That made me angry at him. Angry enough to attempt castrating him. I have never been so angry. I went clear out to Meadow Lake to purchase the gadget and rubber rings like we used on the farm for gelding horses. I was going to use his own drug on him. Let him know what it felt like to be totally helpless." I closed my eyes and shuddered. "I couldn't do it. I realized as I held that little pill that if I had told him about you and what we have going for us he wouldn't have done it. I honestly believe that he wouldn't have done it." I paused and sighed. "But still he did do it.

"After he had given me the pill he ignored my protests, he ignored my telling him I was with you now. And for that he deserved to feel the fright I instilled in him. By the time I released the rubber from the tool and let it tighten around his testicles I was coming down from the adrenalin high from the anger. I crashed.

"The feeling of no longer being worthy of your love, the feeling that you would reject me when you found out I'd had sex with Jim, the depression that those thoughts brought on, along with the plummet from the adrenalin high, pushed me over the edge. I never thought about dying or even wanting to die. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I.....just didn't care. And the sleep, it was like a narcotic. I didn't want anything else. Just the blankness of that sleep."

Charley's love-filled gaze, when I finished talking, wrapped around me like a soft warm blanket.

"I love you, Charley," I whispered. He smiled and then cleared his throat looking at Allen.

"I hadn't realized how deeply Jim had hurt you. It's a good thing that I talked to him before I heard this. I'm sure his words of regret would have fallen on deaf ears. But there is one thing you said I don't understand, you said Jim knew of your weakness, your need. What were you saying? What did you mean by your need?"

I looked at Allen for help. Allen smiled encouragement. "There's no better time than now, Jake."

I looked back at Charley. "I've wanted to tell you this from day one. There just never seemed to be the right moment, except for one time and it wasn't really right either because I had to leave you for that damned book tour the next morning."

Charley was watching me intently. I looked into his eyes begging him to understand what I had to say. I raised my eyes to the ceiling. "There's only one way to say this I guess." I took a deep breath. "I suppose you could call it an addiction. I need, I crave.... to be fucked. To get my prostate stimulated. Once is never enough. I want it again and again. The need is like an animal gnawing on my insides. I think that was why I stayed with Jim so long when there were no emotional ties. He knew my need and would give it to me anytime I needed it."

I glanced at Charley to see what his reaction was. He looked back at me with a blank stare. I had no idea what he might be thinking. I returned to staring at the ceiling. "Abstinence, I discovered, keeps it under control. Although, there is this constant little niggling in the back of my mind that never lets me forget about it. After you got out of the hospital and I was taking care of you, I was driving your pickup all the time. But, when you went back to patrolling I got on my motorcycle for the first time in a couple of months, the vibration between my legs made me physically ill. If you remember, I didn't ride it again until I left to come back here. Our last night before I left on the tour I let the need get the best of me. I've spent many hours everyday since regretting that. I really messed up what could....what should have been a perfect memory. I'm sorry for that."

Charley grabbed both my hands in his. "It wasn't your fault, Jake, I failed you that night. I should have been able to give you what you needed." He let go of my hands, stood and walked to the window and stared out. "I knew what you were wanting and I was scared. I'd never done that before." He turned and looked at me. "I also lied to you. I told you I'd been with women. I never have. I'd have made a good monk. I shied away from sex, denying to myself that I was gay."

He looked at Allen. "I can see the doubt in your face. I'm a big macho guy. I could have my choice of any man or woman. I guess you'd be right. Many have tried. It wasn't that I wasn't interested. I was scared. If I had tried having sex with a woman I knew I would fail and if I did it with a man....well, either way I would have to admit I was gay. By not having sex with either I was able to deny it to myself. I told myself that I was saving myself for the right girl. Except it wasn't a girl I was waiting for.

"When I saw Jake," he was still talking to Allen, "I knew that the time had come. I'd met my mate. It didn't matter anymore if I was gay. It was an instant certainty that having Jake in my life was all that mattered. I guess that if he'd been straight I would have had to have him as my best friend. I just knew I had to have him in my life." He chuckled. "Luckily, he wasn't." Allen grinned.

Through all of this I was silent. My mind was awhirl. So many little things were making sense. Now I understood. It hadn't been revulsion for my needy past, he'd simply been naive and fearful of not knowing what to do. That was why he'd made such a big deal out of telling me how he'd researched it. And my fear of showing my neediness had kept us from even discussing it.

"Jake?" I could tell by the way Allen said my name he'd asked me a question I hadn't heard. I blinked several times to bring my consciousness back into focus. "I asked how you feel about what Charley just said."

I cleared my throat. "A lot of things make more sense now. It wasn't all about me and my insecurities."

They looked at me as if they expected me to say more. I shrugged.

"You don't want to expand on that?" Allen asked.

"No, I want to think it all through."

"How about you, Charley? Do you have anything you want to add?"

"Not right now."

"Well, I think that the doctor will be releasing you this afternoon. I'd like to set up a couple of follow-up sessions with you. Say once a week for the next couple of weeks?"

After Allen made his exit I stared at Charley. He sat astraddle the chair, resting his chin on his arms which were folded on the chair back. His expression was happy. He winked at me. I could come in my pants just looking at him. Suddenly I wanted out of this hospital. I wanted all my strength and energy back. I wanted Charley naked under my own nakedness. I wanted to make love to him by fucking him. And I damned sure wanted him to do the same to me.

I realized that he was grinning. I grinned back. "You know what I'm thinking. Don't you?"

He nodded and said, "But I don't think you have enough stamina yet."

"So I'll change places with you. Let you do all the work," I said.

His grin got bigger. I'm sure all the angels in heaven sigh every time Charley smiles.

Charley really hadn't thought he'd be able to take Jake home. He imagined what the reaction of that stodgy nurse, that pushed the wheelchair out to the curb, would have been if he'd had his Harley there waiting for Jake. He knew Jake would have loved it, snuggling up against his back and hugging him tight right in front of God and everyone.

Maybe it was a subconscious move on his part or maybe it was Pete's, but when Pete offered him the use of his car Charley took him up on it. So when Jake was released Charley had no worry about how to get him home.

Charley was giddy as a kid with a secret. He had a hard time waiting for the moment that Jake would see his office set up in the house. Jake just chalked up Charley's antsy giddiness to his getting out of the hospital.

Allen's prediction was true. After the doctor had examined me, he said I could finish recuperating at home. The nurse, of course, had to wheel me to the curb. Charley was standing next to Pete's car holding the door open. When I stood up he wrapped me in a hug and planted a kiss on my lips. I, for a moment, wondered what the nurse thought, then thought to hell with it and really got into hugging and kissing him back.

I heard the nurse sigh and say, "Such a waste."

Charley broke away and smiled at her. "No, it's not. This is the way God meant for us to be. God does not waste." Chagrined, she wheeled the chair away.

Charley drove away from the hospital, but not toward my apartment. I looked at him as he pulled up in front of Pete and Jason's.

"You're not going back to that apartment, Jake. Jason, Pete and I cleaned it out and put everything in storage until we move into our new home. Until we find it, we're staying with our young friends."

"I like those words."

"What words? Young friends?"

"Friends is nice. Our home. I like those words."

Charley grinned and then jumped out of the car and ran around to open my door. I opened it myself, got out and met him in front of it. "I'm not an invalid. And I'll only get into bed if you're in it with me."