Tim stepped through the door into his and Johnny's apartment and yelled, "Honey, I'm home." Johnny was lying on the sofa in just his Levi's watching the Dodgers whip the White Sox. He raised up and smiled at his young lover. Tim dropped his books on the entrance table and leaned over the sofa to plant a kiss on Johnny's lips. "Hope you didn't shrink the kids while I was gone," he murmured as he planted kisses on Johnny's forehead and cheeks, and was headed for his neck when Johnny grabbed hold of him and pulled him over the back of the sofa and on top of himself.

"Where do you come up with these weird things?" he asked Tim.

Tim shrugged as he rolled off onto the floor. He looked at Johnny and shrugged with a grin. "Television? I think it's from a Disney movie."

"Life with an off the wall teenager," Johnny sighed. He didn't even want to try to understand what the connection was between the two sentences that Tim had uttered since entering the apartment.

Tim was a full time student majoring in the forensic sciences. He'd been working and going to school the last two years, but now it wasn't necessary for him to work any more. His employers had rewarded him grandly for being alert on the job when Dave Gates had been kidnapped. He'd met his life mate that afternoon also, when he was questioned by Detective John Paolini, the brother of Dave Gates' lover. They had recently moved into an apartment together while they were looking for a permanent home to buy.

"I'm twenty years old. And you love living with me or did you forget that, Old Man?" Tim was stripping off his clothes as they talked. When he was down to his briefs he lay down facing Johnny who moved back to give him room and wrapped his arms around him.

"I may be a cradle robber but I'm not an old man. Now lie still; the White Sox are up. They have a chance to tie up the game." He already had a hardon from just being near Tim.

Tim's wandering fingers walked up his thigh. "Are you saying I'm your baby?" Tim asked as he rubbed his fingers up and down the course material of the Levi's covering the hard cock that lay out over Johnny's hip. Johnny had a hard time not squirming from the exquisite torment.

"If you don't stop that you're going to get flung over my shoulder and carried into the bedroom." Johnny said through clinched teeth.

Tim pushed himself upright and looked at him. "Hot air."

Johnny pushed him off the sofa and rolled off on top of him. "I'll show you hot air."

Tim grinned; he'd succeeded in getting Johnny's full attention. He wrapped his arms around the burly ex-cop and captured his mouth with his. Johnny moved his hands up to each side of Tim's head and caressed his temples with his thumbs as he pulled back to look at his young lover. "I never get enough of you, Sweetheart."

"You've got all of me anytime you want me, John." He reached up and nipped Johnny's nose. "I love you."

Johnny buried his face against Tim's neck. "And I love you, Timmy."

"Let's take this to the bed, there's more room in there than here between the sofa and coffee table, softer, too."

Johnny rolled off of his young lover and offered him a hand. Hand in hand they went into the bedroom.

As Johnny started undressing, Tim said, "I stopped up to see Jake Shipman this morning."

"Now why would you do that?" he asked as he pulled Tim's shirt off.

"After all the things we heard about him at dinner the other night, I just wanted to meet him." Tim unbuttoned his own pants. He was already bare footed. Tim knelt and pulled Johnny's pants down. Johnny was commando. Tim leaned forward and kissed the head of Johnny's now flaccid cock and then looked up at him.

"So what do you think of him?" Johnny asked.

"He was grouchy, and got me totally muddled trying to explain that Charley had been hired to protect Dave." Johnny pulled Tim to his feet and kissed him.

"You? Mr. Brainiac got muddled? I can't imagine it." He hugged Tim to his chest and swayed with him.

"He's good at word games. But the thing that got me was that he didn't act like he even wants to be friends with Charley, much less his lover."

Johnny stopped and held Tim back so he could look at him. "You do know why he's in the hospital don't you?"

"No, no one ever said."

"Timmy, he was raped. You know Jim, my granddad's companion?"

"Yeah?" Tim said, grasping Johnny's buns. He loved running his hands over Johnny's hairy ass.

"Charley told me that Jim drugged Jake and raped him," he said, as he sat on the bed and scooted to the middle of it.

Tim shucked his briefs and stood gloriously naked with his hands on his hips full of indignation. "Damn, that's awful. That guy's a registered nurse. Why is he doing shit like that? He should be hung by his balls. Castrated!"

Johnny started laughing and held his arms out to Tim.

"What's so funny?" Tim asked, crawling next to Johnny to be wrapped in a bear hug.

"Jake almost did just that," Johnny said, as he kissed his lover's lips.

When they broke the kiss, Tim asked, "So you and Charley have become good friends, huh?"

"Mmm." Johnny became too engrossed to really answer, but Tim didn't notice.

Later, as they cuddled together, Johnny told him the tale that Charley had told him at the dinner table the night before while everyone else was kibitzing. When Johnny finished the tale, Tim rolled over and pushed his backside against Johnny. Johnny held him close, occasionally kissing the back of his neck. The thought of making love again eluded them as they contemplated Jake's rape and revenge. "I'm hungry. Would you like to go get a burger?" Tim asked.

"I'm happy to just lie here and hold you, but I guess a growing boy has to be fed. Let's do it." Johnny lunged off the bed, pulling Tim with him.

Charley, Pete and Jason opted for going down the street from Gio's for burgers and fries after they left Jake's apartment. It was the best place in town for a hamburger. They had just put in their order when Johnny and Tim walked in. They pulled chairs up to the table and joined them.

With prompting and fill-in comments from Jason and Pete, Charley told them about Jake's place and that he was going to store the contents of the apartment tomorrow. Tim volunteered to help; he only had one afternoon class. Their food came, but no one had much of an appetite as they contemplated what had happened to Jake. The table grew quiet as they started eating. And then Pete looked up and exclaimed, "I've got a brilliant idea." He was trying to talk and chew a big bite of cheeseburger simultaneously.

"What?" Charley asked, chuckling as Pete nearly choked.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Jason said.

"Yes, Mom," Pete answered, and got an elbow in his ribs, causing everyone to laugh.

"So what is this bright idea? Tell us before that light bulb above your head burns out," Jason said. He giggled when Pete looked upward. He got Pete's elbow on his bicep.

"No, really this is great. You know how Jake's office looks like he'd just stepped out of it for a moment?"

Charley and Jason nodded, while Johnny and Tim just listened.

"What if we went in and took pictures of everything in the room, you know close up details of it all. And then moved everything into one of the spare bedrooms and set it up just exactly like it is now."

Jason and Charley stared at him for a moment like he'd lost his mind and then Charley grinned. "That would be so cool. Let's do it."

Pete's idea blew away the pall that hung over the group. Appetites came back and they finished their meal in a more jovial mood. Johnny suggested a Cappuccino to top off the evening and they all strolled up to the coffee shop in Gates-Way bookstore.

Allen had just collapsed onto a kitchen chair and slouched declaring his hunger. Greg, his long time mate, informed him that it would be a bit before dinner was ready. He walked over to the table and picked up a newspaper and handed it to Allen. "I saved this. I thought you might find it interesting," he said, pointing at the article about Jake.

He took the paper and sat up to read it. "Where in hell do they get their information?"

Greg looked at him and shrugged even though he knew it was just a reactionary rhetorical question. "Have you done anything about that nurse yet?" he asked.

"No, I've been more worried about getting Jake to thinking straight."

"Straight?"

"Don't be a smart ass," Allen grinned at his love's antics. "You know what I mean."

"So how is he doing?"

"You know, I don't think he tried to suicide. I really believe that the whole thing was an adverse reaction to whatever Jim gave him. And from the description Jake gave me of the initial reaction, I don't think it was one of the regular date rape drugs."

"So how was it different?"

"Jake said that he was totally alert, and could feel everything, but couldn't move a muscle."

"God, that would be worse than being tied up or held down. At least you can struggle."

Allen shuddered. "I don't want to even imagine what it might be like to be tied up."

Greg stirred the simmering mixed veggies after adding a ½ tsp. of Chefs Choice chicken bouillon. He refused to use butter for flavoring. "Well, there are guys that are into that kind of thing. You know, like total submission."

"I've got a degree in psychiatry and I still can't understand how a human being can do that."

Again Greg shrugged. Allen looked at him in shock. "You can?"

"Dinner's ready," Greg said.

"Oh good." Allen was uncomfortable enough with the subject and let his thoughts be diverted. "I'm starved. I haven't eaten since breakfast."

They sat down to the plates of healthy low fat foods and started eating, both involved in their own thoughts.

"It's a matter of trust, I would think," Greg said breaking the silence.

Allen looked up startled. "What is?" He'd totally put the subject out of mind.

"Submitting one's will to another. One would have to have total trust that the other is not going to harm him, or allow harm to come to him."

"I don't think I could do that. It's just not in my nature."

Greg smiled his enigmatic smile that always drove Allen nuts. "I think I trust you enough to do it."

Allen stared at his lover in silence for several moments. "God, I love you, Greg, but we're not going to get into that game."

The next morning began the same as the day before with my temp being taken, a breakfast of oatmeal, toast, OJ and coffee, then another visit from Gene, my physical therapist, who put me through a whole series of stretches and exercises while on my back or stomach. I was gaining strength, but still had a long way to go to get back to normal. After another sponge bath and a change of pajamas and sheets, he left me to myself until Allen came in.

I assumed that Charley had told him about that last night before I left on tour, and I had already told him about what Charley and I did in bed and how much I loved the touch and feel of his beautiful body, but I still couldn't tell him how much I wanted to be fucked. We discussed yesterday's session; I kept skirting the issue until he suddenly blurted out, "You wanted Charley to fuck you, didn't you?"

I could feel the blood rush into my skin and nodded. I was ashamed, and at the same time relieved, glad that it was out in the open, it was hard enough to admit it to myself. I lay there, propped up with pillows too weak to get away. I could only weep and shake my head. I couldn't tell him.

"Jake, there is nothing wrong with that. Big macho guys like you have every right to love taking it up the rear as much as anyone else. Personally, I think that is why God put our prostates where they are."

"He didn't want to," I said. "Charley really didn't want to fuck me."

Allen just looked at me waiting for me to say something more.

"I guess he thought I'd compare him to Jim. Maybe he was afraid that he wouldn't be as good. I've only thought that recently. Back then, I just felt unworthy, used, second-hand. Whatever the reason, it sure fucked up the rest of the evening." I closed my eyes and relaxed.

Again Allen continued to sit quietly and when it became apparent to him I was stalled, he asked, "You feel like talking some more or do you need to rest?"

"Doc, I've had enough sleep for a long while. I'm exhausted, but I don't want to stop."

"Alright, Jake. Do you feel up to talking about your past relationship with Jim? Before you met Charley."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Before you begin, maybe you could fill me in on yourself. Like when did you figure out you were gay, et cetera."

I stared at the ceiling while I got my thoughts in order. He waited for me to start talking. It took me a few moments.

"It had never dawned on me that I was different from other guys until I was out of the service and into my second year of college. Growing up on an isolated farm, and going to a small community school there hadn't been any girls I was interested in, or for that matter, there weren't any boys either. I expected to eventually meet a girl, fall in love, get married and have a mess of kids.

"Since the internet was formed, I've read a lot of stories on line. If one is to believe them, all kids from around age eight are horny little sex machines. If it's true, then I must be an odd ball. Oh, I figured out how to jack off. I just never thought of doing it with someone else.

"When I graduated from high school I wanted to get away from the farm and see some of the world, so I joined the Army, found myself being trained to be a medic and ended up in the Mideast during Desert Storm.

"My mother died while I was in the Mideast, so my tour of duty was cut short. I think my dad had something to do with me not finishing my tour. You know, the only child thing. Anyway, I went to the funeral and then back to a base stateside to be processed out."

"You didn't have a good relationship with your father?"

"I had no relationship with my father. I might as well have been one of the farm animals. Something that needed to be taken care of. Hell, he loved his horses more than me."

Allen pursed his lips and made no comment, so I went on. "When I was released from the Army I found myself at loose ends. I had discovered during high school that I enjoyed writing. I kept a daily journal from my sophomore year on. I decided that since I could get aid in getting a college education, I might as well go for it. My father offered me no assistance and I wasn't about to ask for any.

"My second year in college, I started turning my journal entries from my high school days into a book. My English professor helped me get it published just before I graduated. It had a moderate success. I made enough money off of it that I could continue writing full time after I graduated, if I lived modestly. But then my dad died leaving me the farm. It was a successful horse farm and I sold it for a good amount. So then money was no problem.

"It was my English Professor that awakened me to the fact that I am gay. Day after day, working closely with him to get my novel shaped up, I realized that I was fantasizing about being with him. He was married and quite straight. He was several years older than me, more worldly, and very liberal minded where it came to other's sexual orientation. He recognized the conflict going on within me and we had several discussions about it. It was soon after I graduated that Jim entered my life. I met him in the grocery store.

"At first Jim was gentle and caring. I translated this as love and figured I was in love with him. Naive of me, but true. He introduced me to sex. He wasn't into what he called feminine sex. That included things like kissing, caressing and other such tender things. He was more wham, bam, thank you, man. Now get the hell out of here until I'm horny again. But I was infatuated with him and thought I was in love with him. I tried unsuccessfully to get him to admit that he loved me. After my second rejection I just got on my motorcycle and headed for wherever I might end up. And that was Kirksville, where Charley's from."

"When was your first rejection?"

"On the anniversary of our sixth month together."

"But you stayed in a relationship with him for around two years. Can you tell me why?"

"I could tell you that I was in love with him. I think at the time I had myself convinced that I was. I don't think so now. What I felt for Jim was nothing compared to what I felt for Charley."

"You don't feel the same for Charley now?"

"Of course I do. I'll always love him. But he's out of my reach now," I said with vehemence while glaring at him.

Allen regarded me for a moment. "That is so much bullshit. And you know it." His voice was little more than a whisper.

I closed my eyes and lay back. He wasn't going to let me dwell on it though. "Lets' go back to Jim. Why did you spend two years in a relationship with him?"

"He gave me what I needed," I said, staring at the ceiling. My voice sounded flat. Allen looked at me waiting for me to go on. I raised my head and yelled at him, "It's been hard admitting the truth to myself, and you want me to admit it out loud...to you?" He just raised an eyebrow. I dropped my head back on the pillow, exhausted and out of breath. I closed my eyes and counted, 'One one million, two one million, three one million.' When I got to eight I gave up. "Alright, I'll tell you." I snapped at him with my eyes still closed. I took a deep breath and spewed out the words one at a time. "I---liked---getting---fucked---by---Jim."

Allen still didn't say anything.

"I not only liked it, I needed it. I needed to feel Jim's cock massaging my prostate. At least once a day if not three times."

Allen was quiet. I lay there waiting for a response that didn't come. I opened an eye and looked at him. He smiled at me. "You did good, Jake. I think you should rest now." He stood and patted my arm and headed for the door. "I'll be back tomorrow after your physical therapy. We'll talk some more."

I sighed. When he got to the door I called out to him. "Allen." He turned and looked back at me. "Thanks. It was a relief to finally tell someone. I tried so many times to tell Charley. But I just couldn't."

He nodded and smiled. "The time will come when you can, Jake."

When he started to turn away, I called to him again. He turned and looked back at me. "I didn't try to kill myself, Allen. I just lay down for a nap. I don't know why I didn't wake up."

Allen studied me for several seconds and then nodded. "We'll talk about this tomorrow. Get some rest, Jake."

I felt like my mind had decompressed. I had finally admitted to another person that I had an addiction. At least I looked at it as such. I mean it was on my mind twenty-four hours out of the day, or so it seemed. I wondered if there were other men like me. Surely there had to be. I wondered if there were lots of them. Now that Jim had literally fucked my relationship with Charley, I wondered what it would be like to have other men fuck me. I knew there were clubs, gay bars, where you could meet other men and that their main objective was sex. The thought was abhorrent to me. I couldn't imagine letting a stranger fuck me, or even touch me in a sexual way.

The rest of my day was boring. I didn't have my journal with me so I couldn't write in it, so I flipped channels until I dozed off and didn't wake up until dinner time.

Early the next morning Pete, who was an avid camera buff, had his camera out checking it over. He'd taken several rolls of film out of the fridge to let them warm up.

They'd invited Tim to come over for breakfast. Charley had gotten out the yellow pages and found a storage place nearby. He had to wait until 8:00 to call to see if they had a unit available.

Jason started on fixing a hardy breakfast. They were ready to sit down when Tim showed up. He looked at the pile of sausages and the tall stacks of French toast and the platter of fried eggs. "Damn, I haven't eaten like this since I was in high school. Most mornings I have cold cereal. This is a treat."

Jason joked. "Yeah, right! A big guy like you having cold cereal for breakfast just doesn't fit the picture."

Tim grinned. "Well, it does take a quart of milk and nearly a full box of cereal to fill me up."

Charley headed for the storage place to rent a unit. Then he back tracked to the apartment. Tim then took Charlie in his El Camino pickup to the local U-haul to rent a small truck. Jason dropped Pete off at the apartment, and then went to the local grocery to get boxes. Pete started systematically photographing Jake's office. Jason returned with his back seat loaded with boxes which he took into the kitchen and began to fill them.

When Tim and Charley returned, they started loading the livingroom furniture, the dinette set, the bedroom furniture, sans the mattress which they carried out and deposited next to the dumpster. Pete boxed the books off the office shelves taking care to pack them so they could go back onto the shelves in the same order they'd been removed. He carefully boxed all the papers on the desk, and then disconnected the computer, copier and fax. The photos and paintings on the wall he stacked to carry out when they moved the rest of the room.

Two hours later everything except the office had been moved into the truck. Tim was not about to let anyone drive his precious pickup which had been loaded with Jake's clothes, so he drove it back to Pete and Jason's with Jason riding shotgun, while Charley followed in the truck and Pete drove the car.

With admonitions to be careful and not scratch his baby, Tim climbed into the truck with Charley and they headed for the storage unit. Jason and Pete unloaded all of Jake's clothes and personal belongings into the old master bedroom.

Coordinating with their cell phones, the four guys met back at the apartment and soon had the contents of the office in the truck.

Pete took the rolls of film he'd shot to the One Hour Photo and had them developed, while the others unloaded the stuff back at the house. Charley and Tim returned the truck and met the others at the hamburger joint for lunch. With hugs from all three guys Tim left to go to his one afternoon class.

I went over the whole session with Dr. Chestnut. I found myself being angry at him for even considering Jim to be my friend. Friends don't take what is not given. Jim had never considered what he was taking from me. And then...on the other hand, he had saved my life after making it not worth living. That sounded so melodramatic. As I thought about it, I found myself again getting very angry at Jim. I wished that I hadn't untied his hand. And then I wished Charley was here to hold me and reassure me. I became angry at him for not putting up a fight to be with me. Why did he just quietly acquiesce to my stupid demands? Did he really think that I wasn't worth fighting for? I'd forgotten about what he'd written in the note. My mood blackened, and I found myself wishing I had died. After mentally kicking my butt for wishing such a stupid thing, I stared out the window wondering how I could go on if Charley didn't want to be part of my life. Why the fuck did all this have to happen when everything had been so perfect?

And then to further fuck up my thinking I started in on the "what ifs." What if... I hadn't succeeded with my novel? What if... Charley had given into my desire the last night we were together and had fucked me? What if... I had been successful in removing that goddamned Jim's testicles? What if... I wasn't such a wimpy wuss? It all served to make me more depressed, and all I could do was lie in that damned bed and stare out into the black night.

The cell phone Charley had given me chimed. In the black mood I was in, I damned sure didn't want to talk to him. I thought about not answering it, but it was persistent. I opened it and said, "Hello."

"Jake, it's Chess. I woke up sensing that you are feeling down. Are you alright?"

It freaked me out for a moment, this psychic connection with Chess. And then I realized it was a good thing, no, it was more than good. It was a wonderful thing and I wished that I had the same connection with Charley.

I realized that I hadn't even acknowledged Chess. "Yeah, Chess, I'm alright. I'd be better if I could get my mind to stop for a while."

"You could ask for a sleeping pill."

I thought about it for a moment, and wondered why the Ambien hadn't done its job. "I feel kind of schizy about sleeping."

"I can see why."

"It had to have been a reaction to the pill, Chess, I really don't think I would just lie down to die. That's crazy. God, give me a gun and let me do it right if I'm going to kill myself. You know what I mean?"

"I agree with you, Jake. It had to have been a reaction to the pill." We were both quiet for a moment and then he asked, "How is Charley dealing with all this, Jake?"

God! I hadn't expected him to ask that. I hadn't stopped to even wonder how Charley was doing. I was too busy feeling down on myself, feeling too unworthy of Charley to even consider his feelings. That made me feel even more shitty. "I don't know." I muttered.

"Hasn't he been up to see you?"

"Of course, he's been up to see me," I snapped.

"And?"

The question hung in the air like Damocles' Sword. 'And what?' My mind screamed. I started weeping. Damn I hate this emotional roller-coaster I'm on. "And I sent him away. I told him I am unworthy to be his mate after the whorish way I reacted to what Jim did to me."

"Jake. Jake listen to me. You are an educated, intelligent man. Stop and think about this. It is impossible for a man not to react to having his prostate stimulated. There was no way that you could not have climaxed with that kind of stimulation."

"You don't understand. I was begging for more, begging for him to do it harder. I'm a fucking whore. I can't get enough. Even after I came, I wanted him to continue. Can't you see? I am dirt under Charley's feet."

The silence roared in my ear as I waited for a response. For a moment I thought maybe he'd cut the connection. And then he asked, "Jake, do you love Charley?"

"With all my heart and soul."

"Do you doubt his love for you?"

"No. I know he loved me as much as I still love him."

"You think he doesn't love you anymore?"

"He damned sure won't when he finds out what I did...how I reacted."

"If that's the way he reacts, then he has never loved you."

"Why are you tormenting me?" I whimpered.

"Jake, Charley loves you, he always will, so why are you tormenting him?"

"What the fuck am I doing to torment him, for Christ's sake?"

"You are pushing him away."

"But he deserves much better than me."

"Don't you think that should be his decision?" I didn't answer. "Jake, listen to the voice of experience. I made a decision when I was in college, not giving my lover the chance to make any decision at all in what happened in our relationship. I met a young lady and decided that I could love her and raise a family with her. I gave my lover no choice in the matter. Although, I love my three sons dearly, I still regret what I did to the love of my life. Don't make that decision for Charley. You will definitely regret it the rest of your life."

"Are you telling me you are gay, Chess?"

"Jake, don't skirt the issue. I'm simply telling you that if you make the decision not to have Charley in your life without giving him a voice in it, you will regret it. That's all I'm telling you."

"It's something I'm going to have to think about."

"Here's something else to think about. Before you ever woke up, Charley already knew how you reacted to Jim's deed. Jim made it very clear to him that your reaction was completely normal for any man with a healthy prostate. It made no difference to him. Charley was still there holding your hand waiting to see you again. Charley was still there telling you he loves you. Think about that, and then call him."

"I'll call him, Chess. I just can't promise it will be right away."

"Well, get some sleep and I'll talk with you again soon."

"Thanks for being here for me, Chess."

"Anytime, Jake. And remember, Charley's not the only one that loves you. I love you, too, Son."

"I love you, Dad."

I stared out the window after talking with Chess. The sky lightened as I watched, and the clouds turned pink as the new day approached. I had drunk more than three quarts of liquid yesterday. I wondered if I was still dehydrated. The cell phone was poking me in the side. Without thinking, I reached for it and picked it up. And then I realized that I had done what I could hardly do yesterday. My strength was returning. I looked forward to the day.

I rolled onto my side and felt for the bed control. When I found it, I raised the head of the bed to where I was sitting up. I wanted a cup of coffee. At that early hour I was sure there was no way I would be given one even if I begged. So I sat back and sipped water while I considered yesterday's events and my early morning conversation with Chess, and wondered what I could expect of this day.

The morning started the same as the days before, breakfast, the dispensing of pills and all the little things that doctors and nurses do to their patients. Dave Gates dropped in and spent a few minutes visiting. He left looking happier about my attitude. And then a little later Allen made his morning visit.

"Good morning, Jake, you look like you're ready to get out of that bed and do some laps around the hospital this morning."

"It's all just looks, I'm still pretty weak."

"So how do you feel about life this morning?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Like I told the doctor the other morning, I've got a couple more novels to write."

"I'm glad to hear that. I hear you had a couple of visitors yesterday."

"Yeah, Dave Gates dropped in to see how I felt about Jim. He dropped in a while ago just to say hi."

"That's a good thing."

I looked at him in mock disgust. "You say that again and I'll start calling you Martha."

He grinned. "I see that you're getting your sense of humor back. That is a good thing."

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good, although last night I was feeling really down and angry at everyone, including you. But, I had a long talk with Charley's dad in the wee hours this morning. We've developed a close rapport. I feel much better about things this morning, and I made a decision awhile ago, Allen. I haven't had time to think it through with all that's been going on, but that will come." I stopped and thought about what I was going to say. I must have been thinking for more than a minute because Allen got impatient.

"So, what have you decided?"

"I have decided that what happened is no big deal. I am not going to be a victim. I got roughly fucked, without my consent, by someone that I've been roughly fucked by before, with my consent. Other than the bite on my chest, I wasn't physically harmed. I think that what I did to Jim was sufficient payback."

Allen grinned. "So call me Martha."

"Better yet," I grinned at him, "I'll call you Mr. Good Thing and let you explain the name."

He laughed. "I like that better than Martha."

"Allen?" He straightened his face at my serious tone of voice. "I need to talk to Charley."

"That can be easily done. When?"

"Now."

"So what are you waiting for?" he asked. I looked at him, confused. "Jake," he said, "you've got that cell phone laying beside your pillow. If you want to talk to Charley, then do it."

I felt like a moron. I'd forgotten completely about the phone. I picked it up and hit the first number in the speed dial. It only rang once before Charley answered.

Charley had decided, on awaking, that even if he had to force his way into the room, he was going to see Jake today. He knew that the guys that Dave had drawn into his family had the privilege of visiting Jake almost anytime, but he still waited until nine o'clock to head to the hospital.

When he stepped into the hospital lobby, he stopped and stared at the bank of elevators. The thought of Jake rejecting him again was more than he was ready to deal with. He pulled out his cell phone and checked it. He hadn't missed any calls. Jake still hadn't wanted to talk to him. The mild high he'd been on after making the decision to see Jake had fled. Feeling a bit depressed again, he went back outside and walked across the street to the campus. As he stepped onto the curb he turned around and looked back at the hospital wondering which room might be Jake's, or if Jake's window was even on this side of the building.

He sighed and decided to get a cup of coffee and try to get his determination back. Students were dodging around him as he shuffled across the Quad toward the bookstore coffee shop with his head down. After getting a cup of cappuccino, he found a table on the sidewalk. From where he sat he could look across the quad to the hospital on the other side of the campus. He relaxed and watched the swarms of students rushing from one building to another.

As the crowd thinned he saw Dave enter the quad from the direction of the Tower and head toward the hospital. He wondered where he was going, as he watched another fellow follow along behind him. He noticed how the man seemed to study every person that got anywhere near Dave, and realized that even though the man looked like everyone around him, he was Dave's body guard. 'That will soon be me going there,' he thought. 'I wish I could get to work. This sitting around waiting is getting to me.' He sighed with a mental shrug. 'Oh, well, it will happen soon.' He settled back to enjoy the cappuccino while he watched Dave and his guard enter the hospital.

Twenty minutes later he saw Dave reappear and walk toward him. When he crossed the street and stepped onto the sidewalk, Charley stood up smiling. Dave hadn't seen him until he stood. "Charley," he said. Ignoring Charley's extended hand, Dave hugged him. Charley was a little stiff at first not being accustomed to hugging other men in public, but Dave gave good hugs and one couldn't help but return his hug.

"Dave, it's nice to see you. Can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

"In my own bookstore?" Dave laughed. "Let me treat you to another one. What are you drinking?"

"Cappuccino."

"Sit tight. I'll be right back." He laid the book he was carrying on the table and turned to his bodyguard. "Regular with one packet of sugar, right?" he asked. The guard nodded and grinned. "Oh. Charley this is Roger. Roger this is Charley. You two will be working together soon."

Charley had been clandestinely watching Roger. He'd decided that he was definitely batting for the home team. As they shook hands, Dave said he'd be right back with coffee and left. The two men looked at each other. Charley motioned for him to sit.

"So you're going to work for Mr. Gates, too?" Roger asked, choosing a seat where he could see into the coffee shop. He alertly watched Dave and everyone that got near him.

Charley nodded absentmindedly as he turned Dave's book over to look at Jake's photo on the back. "Yeah, as soon as I get my life straightened out."

"Marital problems?" Roger asked. He glanced at Charley and turned his attention back to Dave.

Charley glanced up and then back at the book cover. "Something like that."

"Women. Can't live with them, can't live without them. What's a guy to do? You know I kind of envy these fags. They don't seem to have any of the problems we do."

"Who are you talking about?" Charley asked.

"Gates and his lover. They're like regular guys, but they don't seem to bitch at each other like women do at us. You know what I mean?" He glanced at Charley.

Charley wondered if this guy's whole repertoire was cliches. "Does Mr. Hansen know you refer to Mr. Gates and Mr. Paolini that way?"

"What?" he barked out a short laugh. "I just call it the way I see it, but I'm not dumb. I know not to use the term in front of them or our boss."

Charley's hackles were rising. "How do you feel about them being homosexual lovers?"

"Doesn't bother me as long as they keep their hands to themselves. Does it bother you?"

"I'm okay with it. So do you know who Mr. Gates was visiting in the hospital?" Charley asked offhandedly, as though he were curious, but not really interested.

"Just some other fag that tried to off himself." He reached across the table and tapped the picture of Jake on the book cover. "That's him."

"Do you know who that guy is?"

Roger shrugged. "He wrote that book."

Charley was getting angrier by the second, but he didn't let it show. "Were you in the service, Roger?"

"Nah, I became a sheriff's deputy back home right after I got out of high school." Roger didn't pick up on the change in Charley's demeanor. He was too intent on watching everything around Dave.

"Where's home?"

"Newton, Iowa."

"Bet there weren't any fags back there, were there?" Charley asked, baiting the homophobic ass hole. Roger grinned, thinking he's found a compatriot. Charley's grin in return was only with his lips; his eyes were frosty. "I'd bet you'd string him up to a fence to die if your found one back there, just like those guys back in Montana did, huh?"

"Damned right, wouldn't you?" Roger responded, unaware of the anger he'd stirred up.

Charley sat back and shook his head. His demeanor changed. He looked at Roger and shook his head. "No, Roger. I wouldn't. Even though I'm from a small town, I wouldn't. You see, that man that Dave went up to visit is my lover. He was a soldier over in Iraq."

Roger looked shocked, horrified, as the realization registered that he'd just royally fucked up. "Oh shit, Man, I am sorry. I didn't know." He forgot about watching Dave.

"You were just being yourself, Roger." Charley's calm unemotional voice scared Roger more than if Charley had been yelling and beating him. "You were only showing your true colors. I'm sure that there are places that would be eager to hire the likes of you. Don't sweat it."

"You don't understand," Roger couldn't stop his voice from quavering. He was almost whining. "I like this job. I like Dave and Joe. They're the best. Please, Charley. I apologize."

Charley sat back and studied the handsome younger man. "Are you gay, Roger?"

"N-n-n-no. No, why would you ask that?" He looked around nervously to make sure no one had overheard.

Charley grinned. He'd expected a macho bullshit reaction and was surprised at the weak protest. "It's just a feeling. I tell you what, Rog. I'll make you a deal."

"Anything Charley, I really don't want to lose this job." Roger gulped, as he thought about what Charley might want, envisioning Charley demanding that he suck his cock or worse. He felt himself getting excited. Before he could deal with his reaction, Dave came out with three cups of coffee. Roger realized, with regret, that he'd momentarily forgotten his job. He gave Charley a pleading look.

Charley smiled at him, stood up and relieved Dave of two of the cups. "Thanks, Dave." He handed the one with no foam to Roger. "Roger just agreed to have dinner with me tonight. Since we're going to be working together, we thought it would be good to become better acquainted." He said, as they all sat back down.

Dave felt the tension between the two men, but figured it was just male rivalry. Roger was looking a little insecure, so Dave, being the kind of person to try to make everyone feel good about themselves, said, "That's great. Roger has done a good job so far. I'm sure he could give you some pointers."

"Oh, he already has." Charley said, grinning at the young man. "I think we're going to learn a lot from each other."

Dave missed the frightened look that Roger shot at Charley. Charley's calm cool demeanor scared him. He had no idea what Charley had in mind, so he just nodded agreement, took his coffee and moved a table away explaining that he could do a better job having a little distance. Dave smiled his appreciation and Charley gave him a grin that still didn't reach his eyes.

Roger sat and watched the crowd of college students. His mind was only half on his job. He knew he was going to have to admit to Charley that he was a fag, or probably get his ass whipped for the things he'd said earlier. It really sucked not being comfortable with himself like Charley and Dave and all the other gay men that he'd recently met.

"I stopped up to see Jake this morning," Dave said, as a way to start a conversation.

"How is he, Dave?"

"Physically, he's doing great, and his attitude was a lot better. I talked to Allen for a minute this morning and he's of the opinion Jake will be ready for outpatient sessions with him in another day or so."

Charley nodded and stared at the photo of his lover on the back of the book cover.

Dave studied him a moment. "Hang in there, my friend. He's going to come around soon and start asking for you. He does love you, you know."

"Yeah, Dave, I have no doubt about his love. The question is: will it be enough to get him over the guilt he's feeling?"

"I don't understand this guilt thing totally. I know a rape victim often feels like he deserved what happened, but they also usually want their loved ones close by for reassurance."

"I've come to know Jake quite well in the few months we've been together. I know how he thinks. You see, Dave, he feels he broke his word to me by having sex with Jim after promising he wouldn't. Even if it was under protest and paralysis, he still feels he broke his promise. Therefore, he's feeling unworthy of my love."

"Oh, that does explain it. He told me to tell you that he's sorry. He almost let it slip out that he loves you, but he cut the word off before he got it all out."

"I was sitting here considering breaking his door down if I had to, to get to see him."

"I don't think you'll have to get that drastic. Why don't you call him. I saw a cell phone laying on his pillow."

"Yeah, I sent it up to him. Allen said it would be best if I waited for him to make the first move."

"For once, I disagree with my head-shrinking friend. I think the best thing for Jake would be a big hug and reassurance from you."

Fifteen minutes later, after telling Roger that he'd meet him at the Tower at six-thirty, Charley was back in the hospital lobby. He'd approached the elevator several times and turned away before pushing the button to Jake's floor. The lady at the reception desk smiled at him every time he turned in her direction. He nodded to her the first couple of times and then ignored her as he battled with himself.

What if Jake really didn't want to see him again? Could he accept that? What would he do if Jake did reject him? Finally, he told himself he'd never know if he didn't go up and confront him. As he headed back to the elevator again, he pulled his phone out to call Jake to tell him he was coming up. His cell phone rang before he could dial. He almost dropped it. He pushed the elevator button as he turned it on. It was Jake. He was so jubilant that he couldn't stop talking, telling Jake how much he loved and missed him. He asked when he could come see him and when Jake said "Now?" Charley responded that he was on his way, snapped the phone closed and did a little jig while waiting for the elevator to stop at the right floor. He was still dancing when the elevator doors opened. He blushed when he saw the nurses smiling at him. He rushed by them and trotted down the hall, but suddenly came to a halt. He had no idea which room Jake was in. He returned red-faced to the nurses' station to ask directions to Jake's room. A nurse giggled and gave him the room number. He heard her say, as he walked away, "Damn, those two make a striking couple."

I felt foolish for having forgotten the phone. I picked it up and hit the speed dial number. Charley answered immediately. "Jake! I was just calling you. How are you feeling? God, it's so wonderful to talk to you. You know I love you, don't you? Jake? Are you there? You're not saying anything,"

It was so good to hear his voice. I laughed, "How can I?"

"Oh God, I'm sorry. It's so good to hear your voice and hear you laugh. I love you, Jake. When can I come to see you?"

"Now?" I asked hopefully, trying to ignore the doubts and bad feelings I still felt pushing at me.

"I'm on my way," he said and broke the connection.

I looked at Allen. "He's coming over here. Now. Twice he told me that he loves me. Did you tell him to emphasize that?"

"I told him that it is important that you realize he loves you." Allen nodded.

I pushed the panic aside and thought about it. Just as I opened my mouth to say something the door flew open and in burst the most beautiful sight in the world. All of my fears dissipated. His grin would have put Alice's Cheshire to shame. "Hi, Allen," he said, as he strode to the bed. "I was wearing circles in the lobby floor trying to find the courage to rush this room." He paused and looked at me. "Jake." I was scooped into his arms and plastered with kisses. Charley had me in a hug with my arms pinned against my sides before I knew what was happening.

I laughed. "God, I love you, Charley."

He sat back holding me at arms length. "You know I love you, Jake. There's so much I have to tell you."

"I know some of it. I've had a couple of visitors. Dave Gates came up to see me."

"So you know I moved over here? Rather, I'm going to, as soon as you can come help me. I quit the Police Force in Kirksville. I'm working for two of the neatest guys you'll ever meet. You know Dave, but let me tell you, Joe is just as great a guy as Dave. And Johnny, he's Joe's younger brother, used to be a police detective, he works for them, too. And I met this guy today that I will be working with. I think he is a closet case. You know, 'he doth protest too much.' I'm going to take him out to dinner tonight and figure him out."

"You're gushing like a school girl." I chuckled.

He pulled me back to his chest. "I thought I'd lost you, Jake. When Jim called me and said you were in the hospital and they weren't sure you weren't too far gone to revive, I thought I would die if you....if you did. And then when you finally woke up and didn't want to see me I wanted to die." He stopped a moment lost in thought, then held me tighter and continued. "Dave and Allen talked to me. They explained the trauma you were going through. I felt better, but I was so lost without you. You're right about Jason, he is a sharp tack. We sat and talked until late into the night."

"Charley? Babe?" I got him stopped. "We have the rest of our lives to talk, right now I need a favor."

"Anything, Jake. You know that."

He still had me clutched to his chest. "Charley, let me lay back so I can see you." You'd have thought I was a broken doll, he was so gentle and careful letting me back down on the bed. "I love looking at you."

Allen stood up and patted Charley's shoulder. "Listen, you two, I'm going to leave you to your privacy. Charley, can you be here tomorrow morning at eleven. Whether you realize it or not, there are some very important issues that you two have to deal with."

Charley turned to him still holding my hands. "I told you, Allen, I'll do anything necessary to get us beyond this."

"Great. I'll see you both here at eleven then."

Charley and I talked about my book tour, how we missed each other, how he'd taken care of the garden I'd started in his back yard. Actually, Charley talked, I just watched him and smiled. Eventually, Gene came in to take me to P.T. Charley kissed me and promised to be back later. Gene stood there grinning as he left. His eyes followed Charley out the door. "I don't know which of you guys is better looking," he said.

"Charley is, by far," I said.

"I wouldn't say that," Gene replied.

Before Gene attempted to get me out of bed this time. He tested my strength against his resistance. "I think you're doing great, Jake. Let's see how you do standing."

He helped me sit up, which was a lot easier than yesterday, then pulled my legs around to the side of the bed. He helped me into a robe, and then edged me off the bed as I held onto his shoulders.

It felt good to stand, but my legs started quivering. Gene pulled the wheel chair into position so I could sit. I collapsed into it and cursed myself for being in this condition. He pushed me through the door to the elevators and down to Physical Therapy.

After an hour of cajoling insistence he'd gotten me to work out through a dozen machines. Although I was tired and sweaty, the thin pajamas clinging to me, I felt good. I felt alive again. We'd talked more about his experience and how he'd taken his uncle that had raped him into his home.

Gene's family, which had been so coddling through the trial, had ostracized him afterwards when he admitted that he was gay. He had a very good psychologist working with him and as he worked through his trauma and feelings of rejection and worthlessness, the psychologist had suggested opening a dialogue with his uncle whom he still loved.

"At that point, other inmates, where he had been imprisoned, had taken their vengeance on him and broken his spirit." Gene had convinced the parole board to release him early into his care. The same psychologist was now working with his uncle.

The more Gene told me, the more admiration I had for him and the more determination not to let my experience affect me adversely.

After Gene worked me to exhaustion, and a soak in a hot whirlpool to revive me, he wheeled me back into my room where Charley was waiting. Charley lifted me out of the wheelchair and deposited me in the middle of the bed with a big kiss on my forehead. I heard Gene sigh as he left.

While I sipped another bottle of Gatorade, Charley sat on the bed holding my hand. His ebullience from earlier had disappeared. He was quiet, pensive. It worried me.

"Charley, what are you thinking about?"

He looked up at me and nearly smiled. There were tears in his eyes. "Us," he said.

I waited. When I saw he wasn't going to continue I asked, "What about us, Charley? Where do we stand with each other?"

It took him a bit to answer. "I don't know, Jake. I don't understand why you did this."

I felt a wave of rage crash over me. How could he say that, if Jim had told him the truth. "Did what, Charley? Get myself raped?" He heard the deadly anger in my voice and looked like I'd punched him in the gut.

"God, no, Jake. I understand completely that Jim drugged you. I know you had absolutely no control over what he did." I felt the rage ebb but the doubts started creeping back in. Charley slid off the bed and stood at the window looking out. "I think that what I'm trying to grasp...... is how you could just...... give up and lay down to die." He turned back to me.

"Had you no faith in my love for you?"

I closed my eyes. I hadn't dealt with this myself, how could I explain it to him. The backs of my eyelids felt dry and hot. I knew I hadn't tried to end my life. I really think I am strong enough to go on living even if Charley were to expunge me from his life. Yet the dreams of falling into the abyss haunted me. I didn't understand what they meant. But I was sure of one thing; it was Charley that had kept me from dying.

"I think that what I'm trying to grasp...... is how you could just...... give up and lay down to die. He turned back to me. "Had you no faith in my love for you?"

I closed my eyes. I hadn't dealt with this myself, how could I explain it to him. The backs of my eyelids felt dry and hot. I knew I hadn't tried to end my life. I really think I am strong enough to go on living even if Charley were to expunge me from his life. Yet the dreams of falling into the abyss haunted me. I didn't understand what they meant. But I was sure of one thing; it was Charley that had kept me from dying.

"Charley, this is one of the things that I...no, we...have to work out with Allen. I didn't lay down to die. I lay down to take a nap and didn't wake up. You've got to know that it was only your love that pulled me back from that black abyss."

He stared out the window and didn't answer.

"I want to live. I want to live and love you and be loved by you. I think that if you stopped loving me, my reason for living would just dry up and blow away. Please don't turn away from me."

Charley grasped the sides of my face and covered it with kisses. "I could never turn away from you, Jake. If you'd died I think I may have followed you."

"I'm sorry, Charley."

"I'm the one who's sorry, Jake. I should never have let my job come before you. If I'd said no to them and been here to meet you, this would never have happened. I promise nothing will ever come before you again."

"I love you, Charley."

"And I love you, Jake. With all my heart and soul, I love you."

We clung to each other for several minutes. "So tell me about your new job," I murmured in his ear.

He released me and sat up, grasping my hand. " Well, it's all so serendipitous." Every once in a while Charley would surprise me with the use of a big word. He ignored my look of surprise. "Dad took Jason, Pete and I over to a restaurant called Gio Gio's. As we were being seated at the owners table, in walks Dave and Joe who insisted on joining us and a minute later Joe's brother came in with his lover."

"Tim. He came to see me yesterday morning." I injected.

Charley nodded. "So in the course of conversation, I was talking to Johnny, who was a police detective until he quit to join Dave's security force. Next thing I know, I'm hired and told to see Johnny's old police detective partner, Paul Hansen. So I'm being paid this fabulous salary, but my job is to get you well and on your feet before I go to Chicago for special training."

"Dave is one fantastic guy and handsome, too," I said. "He came to see me yesterday and again today, you know."

"And?"

"And he informed me that the hospital and all the medical is paid for. And he also gave me this." I handed him the bank book. He looked at it. "Open it." I watched his eyebrows raise as he did, then his face went stoical as he laid it on the table next to the bed. "He said it's an endowment to keep me writing," I explained.

"You accepted this?"

"He gave me no choice."

"Hmm. So what else did you two talk about?"

"Jim. He works for Dave and Joe, too. Dave wanted to know what legal actions I'm going to take against him."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know yet. I want to talk to Jim first."

He abruptly stood up. "I see." He kissed me on the forehead. "I gotta go. I'll see you in the morning." He strode out the door, leaving me wondering what he was thinking and what he was going to do. It frustrated me not to be able to get out of the bed and follow him.