And the Truth Shall Set You Free
Excerpts from Judd's Journal
Mar 15, '02 Sat.
This is the first time I've been alone since Dad arrived. Uncle Jim came in on Wed. the 12th. Today, he wanted to go to the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena. I begged off, insisting that I've got to get some writing done. Well, I do want to write down all that has happened, but I also wanted time away from them to just mull over everything.
After Jace called Dad back last Monday night, he wouldn't say another word on the subject.
Tuesday morning, I let Jace go to the airport by himself to meet Dad's plane. I figured whatever it was that they were planning on laying on me, they needed the time to get their strategy laid out first.
I knew that Dad loves a good Margarita, so I had a big pitcher of Margarita's mixed when they came through the door. I haven't had a drop of hard liquor since I'd tried to drink myself into oblivion and ended up nearly dying.
Dad dropped his bags when he came through the door and wrapped me in a big bear hug. It felt so good. As big as I am, Dad is bigger. He's two inches taller and about forty pounds heavier, with wider shoulders and hips as narrow as mine and Jace's. I had never looked at him before as anything but my dad. He is one big gorgeous hunk. He is one of the most gentle, kind, yet strong, men I have ever met. Staunch is the word that comes to mind when I think of Dad. There is no wondering why Jim worships the ground on which he stands.
Anyway, Dad told me he loves me very much and to remember no matter what, I am his son. Well, that put me on edge even more. I poured him a big glass full of the Margarita, and poured myself and Jace a Coke while Jace took Dad's bags into the new bedroom area.
"All right, let's everybody find a comfortable place to sit to talk about this." Dad said as he sat in the big club chair between the two sofas.
Jace sat sideways on a sofa facing Dad. He motioned for me to sit between his legs and he immediately put his arms around me. And whispered, "I love you, Judd."
I was nervous. Dad sipped his drink and studied me for several minutes. It could have been just a few seconds, but it seemed like a long time.
"Judd," he finally broke the silence, and my heart jumped to my throat. "There is only one person in this world that I love more than you, Son, and that's Jim. I dearly love your mother and your brothers, and Jace and my other brothers, but you and Jim are the most precious to me. I want you to keep that in mind.
"There are two things that have happened recently that make me feel that I have to tell you this, Judd. Your mom went to Dallas with Nan Brandis, Jim's wife, and had a little too much to drink. She told Nan some family secrets. And the other thing was the Old Man's death.
"I don't think you know Nan, Son. She is a bitter woman. She lives in Dallas most of the time. When she was off at college she fell in love with a black fellow and got pregnant by him. He was willing to marry her, but her dad would hear nothing of it. He took her over to Houston and made her have an abortion. He gave the black guy a large sum of money and told him to get lost. Remember, this was Texas thirty years ago.
"Jim's dad had somehow found out that Jim and I were in a relationship. He was okay with Jim being gay, but he thought that for it to be acceptable, Jim had to be married. He knew the situation with Nan and her father, and arranged the marriage. Since it was only a sham marriage, Jim went along with it.
"Nan knew when she married Jim that he is gay. But she thought that she could change him. I don't believe that Jim has ever even slept in the same bed with her. When she discovered it was futile, she wanted an annulment. Her father convinced her otherwise.
"So the table got turned on us with the death of her father a few months ago, and her learning some of our family secrets, which she threatened to expose if Jim didn't give up his love for me. So we figured it was best for him to give her a divorce and for us to come out of the closet. Your mother has always loved, and been close to her brother Jim. I think she loves him almost as much as I do, just in a different way. Since all of our sons are grown, she's decided it's time to step out of the picture, too.
"So we decided to come out with the truth before Nan could use it to do any malicious harm. Jace and I have been arguing about telling you since the funeral. Apparently, you convinced Jace to agree to my telling you the whole story."
"I basically knew all that, Dad. I kind of figured out years ago that you and Uncle Jim have a closer than normal relationship."
"Son, what I've just told you is only a prelude to the whole story."
"I don't understand."
"Have you ever wondered why I was married to your mother, and still have her brother as my lover?"
"I thought it rather curious. But I never thought more about it."
"Well, Judd, you are the reason."
"Me? What could I have had to do with it?"
"Let me tell you the whole story. Jim and I were nineteen at the time. We were both going to Baylor and we'd just gotten home for the summer.
"Your mother, Betty Jean, was seventeen and had just graduated from high School. She had a huge crush on me. She wasn't aware that her brother Jim was also in love with me, and that we had been in a monogamous relationship since we were sixteen. Actually, I don't think anyone knew. At that time, we were just best buds rooming together at college.
"On the day that set our fused futures on its course, Jim and I had gone horseback riding out to the springs. Being apart for a full week after spending a whole year living together, we were a horny couple of young studs in heat. We couldn't wait to get our hands on each other.
"Betty Jean showed up at the ranch looking for me. She was wanting to invite me to a party one of her girlfriends in town was having. The Old Man offered to drive her out to the springs to find me. Back in those days, you could only get within about a half mile of the springs in a vehicle. So they had to hike in the rest of the way. Jim and I extended the road down to the springs since then, so there would be no more surprises like the one we had that day.
"Needless to say, Jim and I were naked and wrapped in each others arms when they showed up. Not to give too detailed a picture, Jim had my legs in the air servicing me well. Betty Jean acted like she was horrified, but the Old Man was enraged. He told Jim to get his butt off his ranch and to never set foot on it again. He said he would deal with me when I got back to the ranch.
"He and Betty Jean hightailed it back to the pickup. Jim and I got dressed and raced back to the ranch. Jim was so mortified that he jumped into his pickup and left without even saying goodbye. When the Old Man and Betty Jean got back to the ranch, I was sitting in the barn wondering what the old son of a bitch was going to try to do. I watched Betty Jean get out of the pickup, kiss him on the cheek, scamper over to her Ford Convertible and leave. I watched the Old Man smirk as he watched her car disappear in a trail of dust and he turned and walked into the barn.
"He stood in the dusky interior, letting his eyes adjust to the dim light. I was leaning against a post not ten feet in front of him. The ol' bastard hadn't smiled in the last four years that I could recall. The way he looked at me, with kind of a predatory sneer - he had an animal magnetism I've never seen in another man - I felt like I could almost have dropped my pants for him then and there. Then I recalled the last time I had seen a similar smile on his face. It was the day I caught him molesting Hank."
"Grandpa molested his own son? Jesus!" My mind was going a mile a minute putting things that I had suspected into order with this new information.
"Yes," Dad said. "Yes, he did. As I look back on it, I can see how it happened. But being that Hank was only twelve, the son of a bitch should have had enough control to keep his hands off him.
"Hank had been a sickly child. He's smaller than the rest of us, and at twelve years old he looked like a pretty little six year old boy. The Old Man had always given him extra love and attention. Hank was always hanging onto him. If he sat down, Hank was trying to get onto his lap.
"I'd overheard Mom telling the Old Man that it was time to make Hank stop hanging on him like that. His reply was that it was all innocent, not to worry about it. Mom warned him that it was going to get out of control.
"He never tried to change Hank's ways. I think he really enjoyed having the boy cling to him like that. I'm sure that at first, it was fatherly love, but he let it get out of hand to the point that finally, he gave into his lust and had his way with the boy.
"I had just returned from moving some cattle over to the north pasture. Mom had gone into Pecos for her weekly grocery shopping, taking Jace with her.
"The place was quiet. I was wondering where Joe and Hank were, when I heard a scream from the barn. I ran in and heard whimpering from the hay loft. I climbed up the ladder and froze as my mind tried to fit this giant of a man who I had always loved and worshiped with his pants around his ankles, and little Hank impaled on his big pole. The son of a bitch was so involved in what he was doing that he didn't hear me. He couldn't even hear Hank begging him to stop, to take it out, that it was hurting him.
"I grabbed a pitchfork and swung it at his head, knocking him over. I had the pitchfork tines piercing the muscles of his chest before he realized what had hit him. With a little more pressure I could have forced it right through his body.
"The Old Man lay there panting with a wild look on his face. He was still in the throes of heat. The expression slowly turned to remorse and tears began to flow down his face as he realized what he'd been doing. Blood was trickling from the wounds where the tines had penetrated his skin and sunk through his pectoral muscles. He seemed to be oblivious to the pain. Hank had thrown his naked body across the Old Man trying to pull the pitchfork away. He was screaming, "No, don't kill my daddy."
"Hank get up and put your clothes on," I commanded.
"He looked up at me nearly hysterical. "Please, Tom, don't kill daddy. It's my fault. Please, Tom."
"I wanted to vomit I was so upset. The bastard's hands grasped at the outside tines. I kept a steady pressure on the pitchfork though.
"Hank get your clothes and get out of here," I yelled.
"Hank scrambled to gather his clothes, still begging me not to kill him. He kept insisting it was his fault. I looked into the Old Man's eyes and saw fear. He was afraid I was going to kill him, that he was going to die. He hadn't uttered a word. As soon as Hank was down the ladder, I started talking.
"I should kill you, you son of a bitch. How could you do that. He is only twelve years old."
"He was weeping now. "I don't know what came over me," he cried. "He's always clinging to me. When he sits on my lap he's always squirming. I ... I get excited and he can feel it. He smiles at me and presses against it. I know I should have made him stop. I don't know why I didn't. And then today....."
"Shut up," I yelled. "I don't want to hear anymore. He's a child. You're a grown man. For Christ Sake, you're his father and you raped him."
"He wanted it."
"I said to shut up. Hank was begging you to stop. You were hurting him."
"I stood there with the pitchfork stuck in his chest muscles, the blood flowing around the tines. It would have been so easy to just push them on in, right through his heart and lungs. God, it would have been so easy.
"I loved you, Dad," I cried. That was the last time I ever addressed him as Dad.
"His expression changed from fear to something else. Maybe self loathing. He grasped the handle at the top of the tines and pulled, trying to drive the points into his own chest."
Tears were flowing down my dad's cheeks. I was in shock. I don't think that Jace had ever heard the full story before either. He was white as a sheet. His arms had gone limp around my chest. Dad scrubbed his face with his hands and continued.
"It took me a second to realize what his intention was. I yanked the pitchfork from his grasp, simultaneously pulling the points out of his chest. I looked at the bloody tines. I shuddered, thinking about how close I had come to killing my own father. I looked down at him with four bleeding holes in his chest. His hands covered his face as he wept. I felt sympathy for him, and yet at the same time, I was still enraged at what he'd done.
"I knelt beside him and pulled his hands away from his face. He didn't resist. "You should have gone ahead and killed me. I deserve it," he muttered.
"God damn you, Old Man. Death would be too easy. It's not just you that has to live with the memories of this. Hank will probably take years to recover from what you just did to him. And I promise you, Old Man, I'll never forget how close I came to killing my own father. God damn you."
"I stood up. Looking down at him, I was nauseated. He lay there defeated, covered in straw that was sticking to the sweat, blood and semen. I hadn't realized until then that he had ejaculated on himself.
"Clean yourself up before somebody sees you and starts asking questions."
"He got to his feet. Grabbing his shirt, he wiped the cum off his belly. His face was red with embarrassment.
"Pull up you pants and go take care of those wounds. Every time you look at yourself in the mirror and see the scars, remember how close you came to paying for your sins with your life."
"As he buttoned his Levi's, I said to him, "You even look at that boy again and your life is forfeit. You stay away from him. You do not let him get near you. Do you understand what I'm saying? Because if you do, I'll make sure that you spend the rest of your life in prison. You know what happens to child molesters in prison, don't you?" He nodded. The fear was back in his eyes. "You touch him and the whole world will know what kind of pervert you are."
"I threw the pitchfork at his feet and climbed down the ladder. I left the barn and went in search of Hank. I found him in his bedroom. Joe was holding him as he cried his heart out. Joe looked up at me with tears streaking his cheeks. "I'm sorry, Tom, Dad sent me on an errand. I didn't know that he would hurt him. I'm so sorry, Hank, I'll never leave you alone again."
"It wasn't your fault, Joe. It wasn't Hank's either. The Old Man is the only one guilty here."
"I got Hank to let me check his rear. He was red and swollen but at least he wasn't bleeding. Joe washed him and put some ointment on him.
"God damn, that son of a bitch," I muttered under my breath. "How could he do this to his own son?"
"It was my fault Tom," Hank cried. "I wanted to make Daddy happy. I teased him. I made him hard sitting on his lap. I knew what he wanted. I just didn't know it would hurt so much. I just wanted to show Daddy how much I love him."
"Hank, listen to me," I said, kneeling in front of him. "He is an adult. He should have put a stop to your teasing. He should never have let it get out of hand. What he did wasn't loving. Even an animal would never do that to its young. You were not at fault. Don't go feeling guilty."
"But I do, Tom. I pushed him into doing it. That makes me guilty."
"No, Hank, no. He is the guilty one. He is your father and he let you do it."
Dad sighed and then took a big swig of his Margarita.
"Hell, I'm not sure that that ever did get through to Hank. We probably should have sought psychological help for him. But it was just another little family secret to be kept hidden.
"When Mom got home she knew instantly that something bad had happened. No one would tell her anything, but she soon put the clues together and figured out what had happened. She and the Old Man had a big row and he moved permanently into the spare bedroom.
"He had been exiled from his family's love. I think a lesser man would have succumbed to the guilt and taken up drinking, or something, but not that old man. He was so good at forgiving himself. He hung in there asserting his right to be head of the family, even if no one loved him any longer."
Jace was crying as he clung to me. "I continued to love him until the day he turned on me," Jace said. "I never knew what he had done to Hank. After I got over the anger and hurt from what he did to me, I just didn't love him anymore."
"Well, I guess I got off the track a little. But it is really part of the whole story." Dad let out a big sigh and then said, "Let's take a break and get some dinner."
We all agreed. When we stood up, it just seemed the natural thing to do, to seek security and approval in each others arms. We stepped into a group hug. For several minutes we just clung to each other. When we broke apart Dad kissed me on the forehead like he has always done, and I kissed him on the cheek, and then he kissed Jace on the lips. I was momentarily taken back, but Jace was okay with it, as though they had always done it. And as I watched Jace return the kiss, it just seemed the natural thing for them to do. I felt okay with it. And then Jace turned and took me in his arms. When he kissed me, it wasn't like he had kissed his brother. No, this kiss was filled with his passionate love for me. I thank God daily, sometimes hourly, that He saw fit to let Jace and I love each other.
We all agreed that showers and fresh clothes were in order. Dad showered first and then Jace and I showered together...simply showered. We went over to Old Town to Philippe's for tri-tip sandwiches and beer. Well, Dad and I enjoyed a beer. Jace had a Coke. It must be discouraging to be so alcohol intolerant that you can't even enjoy a good cold brew. After dinner we strolled down Olvera Street playing like we were tourists. Dad got his first look at Union Station. It is a magnificent building.
By the time we got home it was nearly eleven. We all agreed that some slumber was in order. We went through the same ritual of a group hug and then kissing each other good night. I think I must be twisted. I felt a strong surge in my groin watching the brotherly kiss between Jace and my dad.
I lay in thought long after Jace had gone to sleep. I had a fearful feeling that I knew where Dad's story was going. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it. I was comfortable with the status quo. I thought about Hank and the torture he has surely put himself through over the years. In his innocent love for his father, he had lost it all because his father wouldn't...couldn't stop Hank's way of wanting to show his love for him. I, now, understood why Dad had made him stay away from me. I hated my grandpa at that moment. Simultaneously, I felt sorry for him, for I knew he regretted what he had done. No, I didn't hate Grandpa, I hated what he had done, because not only he, but we all, lost out because of his actions in a moment of weakness.
I was awakened Wednesday morning by my hair being brushed from my forehead. I knew instinctively that it was not Jace's touch. I lay there with my eyes closed enjoying the loving caress. Dad must have thought I was still asleep, I heard him say in an almost whisper, "Judd and you have always been my favorites of all my boys. He's so much like me. I am so glad that you two found each other." I knew he was speaking to Jace because Jace's hand laying across my chest tightened, pulling me against him.
I contemplated for a moment, how Dad really did think of his brothers, as well as his sons, as his boys. I opened my eyes and looked into Dad's smiling face. Here sat a man I love almost as much as Jace, and I felt I was seeing a side of him he had never before let me see. It touched me to my core.
"G'morning, Dad."
His smile brightened.
"I brought you boys some coffee." He motioned toward the night stand where two mugs were steaming. "I think I fixed them like you each like it."
"Thanks, Dad." I turned and looked at Jace who lay on his side against me with his head propped up on his fist. He pecked me on my lips and grinned. We sat up and took the mugs, grinning at Dad.
"I talked to Jim this morning, he'll be flying in this afternoon."
"It must have been hard on you all these years, only getting to be together eight weeks out of a year," Jace said.
"Yeah, it was hard, but it was a lot harder on Jim. I had my family. We spent a lot of time together in between our hunting trips, even though we didn't touch or show our love in front of others. And Betty never resented our time together. As a matter of fact, she went out of her way to give us more time. Looking back on it, I wouldn't have it any other way."
"Yeah, I see what you mean."
"Betty and I have had a good life together. Neither of us have any regrets."
"So why is Mom getting a divorce, Dad?" I asked.
"Bobby's flown the nest now. She's giving me back to Jim."
"So what are your plans? I'm sure that Jim is not going to move in with you on the ranch. Are you going to move in with him?" Jace asked.
"No, the Deason Family investments is buying Jim's ranch. Tommy and Jimmy are going to run it. Bobby is studying to be a doctor. We're also giving Nan a substantial amount of money. She is, by the way, over in Palm Springs at the Betty Ford Clinic. I hope it works for her. She has had a shitty life. But then she's responsible for most of it. She could have done so much with it, but she chose to be bitter and drown herself in alcohol. Maybe things will be better for her now."
"You'll have to tell us her story sometime," Jace said.
"Not me, but maybe you can get Jim to tell it sometime."
"So what are your plans?" I asked.
"Well, when Jim gets here we'll probably be making some decisions. We're not in any big hurry, you know."
We got up and showered. I was pensive as we ate breakfast. After we'd cleaned up the kitchen, Dad asked if I was up to hearing the rest of the story.
"I don't know, Dad. I think I know where this story is going and I'm not sure I want to know."
"Knowing you, Judd, you won't be happy until you know the whole truth," Jace said, wrapping his arms around me and leading me over to the sofa. He sat down and pulled me down between his legs and made me lie back against his chest.
I sighed and looked at Dad. The concern, the gentle caring, his love for me was written all over his face.
"Alright. I'm ready."
Dad settled into his chair. He stared at the ceiling for a moment. "Where did I leave off? Oh, yes, the Old Man's smile. I think he thought he had found a way to get around my edict and maybe even get to enjoy my ass, too.
"So what are you smiling about, Old Man?" I asked.
"Ah, Tom. Tom the righteous. Tom the hypocrite. Tom who loves to get his ass fucked. Tom the queer."
"I looked him in the eyes and said, "Well, you got two things right. I am a queer. And I love to get my butt pounded by Jim when he's making love to me." I walked up to him. We were almost nose to nose. "Don't think for one second that what you did to little Hank is anything comparable to me making love to Jim. We are both adults, and we both consent to what we do with each other. And don't think for one moment you can get away with doing to me what you did to little twelve year old Hank. I still wouldn't kill you, but I'd damned sure castrate you like I should have done four years ago."
"His smile disappeared. He turned and walked toward the door, stopped and turned back.
"I do not want Jim Brandis on my land again. Do you hear me, Boy?" He pointed a finger at me.
"I hear you, Old Man, but I'm not a boy. I stopped and had a long talk with our family lawyers up in Dallas awhile back." He raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. "I learned some interesting facts about this ranch and its ownership. I turned 18 nearly two years ago."
"So?"
"I have as much say as you do about what happens on this ranch. And in a just four years Joe turns 18, too. Grandfather knew what he was doing when he set up the Deason Family Investment Fund. How come you never told me about it?"
"I guess it slipped my mind," he said smoothly.
"Right." I walked past him and said over my shoulder, "So everything is stillstatus quo. And Jim is welcome here. And you will be polite to him."
"It took a few days of talking to Jim to get him to relax and get over his embarrassment. Betty had told him that even though she was shocked and jealous, she was happy for him. She promised him she wouldn't breath a word about his being gay. She kissed me on the cheek and welcomed me into her family. That's what really got Jim to relax.
"It was nearly eight weeks later that Jim came tearing into the yard in his Dodge pickup. That old pickup had a horrible noise all of its own. You could hear it a half mile before it got there. I ambled out of the house to greet him. I had never seen him so upset. He grabbed my arm and led me a good ways from the house.
"Betty's pregnant. She told me she's missed two periods," he said in a loud whisper. There was nobody around, but he wasn't taking any chances.
"Damn. Does she know who the father is?"
"Yes. She told me."
"So...are you going to tell me?"
"I don't want to, Tom."
"Well, it isn't me."
"Oh, God, that it was you."
"What the hell do you mean by that?"
"Well, then you could marry her and everything would be alright. If my dad ever finds out, he'll come gunning."
"I thought a moment about that, and then it dawned on me. "You are saying that the father of her baby can't marry her?" Jim nodded. "And your dad'll come here, to this ranch?" He nodded again. "So...... when the Old Man drove her out to the springs....."
"She says she seduced R.T...your dad."
"Are you sure it wasn't the other way around?"
"She insists that what happened was by mutual consent."
"God damn him. This will kill Mom if she ever finds out."
"What are we going to do, Tom? This could shatter both families."
"There is only one thing to do. I'll marry her," I told him.
"You can't do that. You are mine."
"And I'll always be yours." I put an arm around his shoulder and led him back toward his truck. "Let's go talk to Betty."
Jace had his arms around me, holding me tightly. I took hold of his hands and forced him to let go. I don't know what he thought I was going to do, I'm not sure that I knew. I just had to be free to walk around the room and work out some of the tension I was feeling. Dad stopped talking and watched me, warily. I strode across the room and turned. They both were so anxious about me that I found it funny and started to laugh. They both looked offended.
"What?" I asked. "I am okay. So my grandfather was the sperm donor. So what?" I walked over to Dad and knelt in front of his chair. "You are my father in every meaningful way. And I love you, Dad." Tears trickled down his face. "I think you really thought you were going to lose me, didn't you? No. No way. I am the son of Tom Deason. Fuck anyone who says I am not."
Dad crushed me in a bear hug and I hugged him back for all I was worth.
"I love you, Judd, I love you so much, Son."
We got up and made a fresh batch of coffee. While it was brewing, I turned to Dad.
"There is one thing I've always been curious about."
"What's that, Son?"
"I.....I guess that....well, being I'm not really your son, is that the reason I didn't get your name?"
Dad grabbed me by my shoulders and looked me in the eyes.
"No, Judd, that is not the reason."
"Why? It would have made my being yours even more believable."
"Believe me, the moment I first held you in my arms, you were my son. I wanted you to have my full name. Your mother refused. The Old Man pissed her off one day when she was about eight months along. One morning she was hanging on the rails of the corral watching me train a colt. He sidled up to her and whispered, as he rubbed her swollen belly, "Are you sure that's not mine?"
"Your mom turned on him. "You can be sure, R. T., that this baby is totally Tom's. And if you ever mention any other possibility again. I'll take a forty-five and put a bullet right between your eyes. And to remind you of that promise, Tom's and my baby shall be named Judd. Mom Deason is real fond of the name Judd, R.T. She told me once that if there was ever a fifth son, she wanted to name him that."
"When you were born, Judd, I fell in love with you. You are my son in every way that counts. I love you, dearly. Anyway, I gave you my middle name so when Tommy came along he had no chance of being a trey."
Jace poured three cups of coffee and handed us each one. "So, Tom, your tale is not complete."
"No, so let's get comfortable and I'll continue."
We took our seats as before, and Dad continued, "Betty was beyond tears by the time we got over to the Brandis Ranch. I told Jim to stay at the house, I wanted to talk to Betty alone. I took her hand and we strolled out to the alfalfa field about a half mile from their house. I questioned her at length about whether she was sure she was pregnant and how sure she was of who the father was. She assured me that she was certain about both, that she had been a virgin so there was no other possibility.
"Whoever would think that doing it one time could ruin one's life forever?" she wailed.
"Calm down. I've got a solution. As you know, Jim and I are lovers."
"She turned away from me. "How well impressed that is on my mind," she said, blushing at the memory of seeing the two of us naked, wrapped in each others' arms.
"Well, you know he and I can't live together out here. That's what we both want to do. When we graduate from college it looks like the only option opened to us is living in a large city like Dallas or Houston."
"That's so sad, and unfair, Tom." She turned and gave me a comforting hug.
"Well, by solving your problem, we could solve ours at the same time, if you are willing to do this."
"I'll do anything, Tom. The only other option I have is to get an abortion and hope that Daddy doesn't find out."
"Okay, here is the plan. You and I get married. I promise I'll be a good husband to you. But... you must promise to let Jim and I see each other and to occasionally let us go off to be together. Do you understand what I'm asking of you?"
"Tom, I love my brother. I would do nearly anything to make him happy. I've had a crush on you for years. I wouldn't mind living with you and sharing you with Jimmy. That way I can keep my baby, too." She paused and studied me for a moment. "I've always wanted a bunch of kids, Tom. Will you give them to me?"
"I've always thought fondly of you as the little sister I never had, Betty. I've never told anyone this... I like women, too. If Jim and I hadn't discovered each other... I'd probably marry. I do believe I can learn to love you as my wife, Betty. And we'll have as many children as you want."
"Suddenly her life was bright and cheerful again. We got married a month later just as she was beginning to show. Her parents were happy. Mom was joyous. I think that she had really resigned herself to no grandchildren. Well, at that time I think she still held out hopes for Jace here. Dad chuckled as he said that.
"Although, Jim was grateful that I had saved his sister and family from ruin, he was very unhappy at first. For weeks after the wedding he stayed away. I thought he understood that I had done this for him. And Betty was so upset about how Jim was acting that she was all for getting a divorce so Jim would come back to me.
"Finally, one day she went to visit her family. She was still driving her convertible. She told me later that she took Jim for a ride. About thirty miles from nowhere she stopped the car and asked Jim to take his boots off. He did, he'd do any thing his sister asked. She took his boots and flung then as far from the car as she could.
"Now you both know we cowboys have the most tender feet in the world. Jim had to walk barefooted across that sharp stony ground to get his boots. Betty said he was "Ow"ing every step of the way." When he got to his boots and got them back on, he stomped back to the car.
"What did you go and do that for?" Jim asked her.
"Betty smiled at him. "Painful, wasn't it."
"Damn right it was. I've got bruises all over the bottoms of my feet."
"Well, it didn't hurt you half as bad as you're hurting Tom. If it hadn't been for his love for you, he wouldn't have married me. And now you're acting all jealous and mean. Don't you understand you can be together all you want now and nobody will talk because Tom is married. Jim, I agreed to marry him as much to give you more freedom as I did to save my own self. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. He is yours, you stupid nit. And he is hurting because you're acting like his sacrifice was worthless. But it is only worthless if you make it that way."
Betty ended her tirade and looked at her brother. He had tears in his eyes.
"I didn't want to intrude on your marriage."
"Betty snorted and continued, "I want you two to go off hunting or something. Go down to Big Bend. That area is wild enough you can go for days without seeing another person. Go down there and make love to each other until neither of you can get it up again. I want to see you both walking bowlegged when you get back."
"Betty Jean! I can't believe you're saying such things."
"Well, you get the picture, don't you?"
"Yeah, I definitely get the picture."
"Well, she brought Jim back to the ranch and he and I had a long talk. After our discussion, and Betty's earlier diatribe, he had no doubts about my love for him, or his sister's."
"So did you go to Big Bend?" I asked when he paused.
"Yeah, we did. And it was just what we needed. We pulled a good one on Betty. When we got back, we both fell out of the pickup and walked like we had cobs up our butts. We acted like it was painful to sit. Betty was beside herself.
"You really did it," she squealed. "Oh, my God, I feel so guilty telling you to do that. Maybe soaking in Epsom salts would help. Oh my, I can't believe you'd do that to each other. I mean do it so much that you can't sit down," she said, turning bright red.
"By then Jim and I were both laughing so hard we literally fell off our chairs. It began to dawn on her that we were pulling a fast one on her.
"You guys are kidding me, right?" We laughed harder, unable to answer her. "This is a joke isn't it?" We could only nod and laugh some more. "I'm going to get you guys back for this."
"So began a long wonderful relationship. Sometimes I wonder which of us made the biggest sacrifice. I guess it was pretty well equal until now. Judd, your mother is one hell of a big hearted woman. I truly love her."
I was contemplating the difference in Dad's love for Mom and his love for Jim, when Jace mention that Jim would be arriving in less than an hour. There was no question about the difference when I saw how his face lit up at the thought of being together with him again. Thirty something years they've been loving each other.
We hustled down to the Range Rover and Jace sped us to LAX. I got a kick out of watching Dad's excitement build. I looked at Jace in the rearview mirror. It was obvious that he was having the same thought I was. We were both praying that thirty years down the road we would both still be as eager to be together. I've got a strong feeling that we will.
Being we couldn't go to the gate to greet Jim, we stood at the base of the escalators below the security check point and waited. I had wandered over to the side where I could watch the reunion. Our timing was good; it wasn't a full five minutes before I saw Dad's face light up. Looking toward the escalator I saw that Jim's face was just as radiant. They've only been apart for three days. One would assume they hadn't seen each other for three years the way they just held each other for several minutes.
When they broke apart, Jim hugged Jace and kissed him on his cheek. By then I was right behind him, waiting for my hug. Uncle Jim and I have always had something special. I found myself wondering if it was because of the way I was brought into this world, because of the sacrifices Dad and Jim made to protect my mother's honor and to give me a proper name.
"Thank you, Uncle Jim," I whispered in his ear as I hugged him. He knew what I was talking about and hugged me tighter.
"I'd not hesitate to do it all over again, Judd."
That night I lured Jace up on the roof for a bit of privacy. I didn't say anything as I took him in my arms and embraced him to my chest.
He eventually pulled back and looked at me. The city lights reflecting off of the low coastal overcast made it seem like we were under a dim flood light.
"Are you still mad at me, Bro?"
"No, Babe. But don't ever call me 'Bro' again. We may have the same gene donor, but Tom Deason is my father, and that makes you my uncle. But more important than any of that...you, Lover...are my one and only. I love you, Jace."
The End