Eight days after kicking Judd and Annie out, the street buzzer sounded. I shuffled over to the intercom and asked who was buzzing. In answer I got a continuous buzz, out of desperation I hit the release for the gate. I heard the lift coming up. I rolled open the door and leaned on the jam. The telephone rang. I ignored it. I heard the answering machine pick up. I was expecting to see Judd, I think. And I was shocked to see Annie and Lee step out of the lift. Annie looked at me and said, "You look like something chewed you up and digested you."
Lee, who is six foot tall and beautiful, but more manly than me, agreed. "Yeah, you look like shit and you smell like it, too. Damn Jace, when did you last shower?"
"I wasn't exactly expecting company." I said as I shrugged, stepped aside and motioned for them to enter.
Liz walked up to Annie and curled around her legs, caressing her with her head. She picked her up and held her on her shoulder. There was a clear loud message there, but I ignored it.
"Thank you for the compliments, ladies. Why are you here?" I wasn't being friendly.
"Where is Judd?"
"How should I know? I kicked him out remember?"
"You're kidding. You haven't seen or heard from him?"
"No. I assumed he would go straight to you."
"You are about the stupidest man I've ever met. I'm a Dyke, a Lesbian. I have a Girl Friend. Get It?" she screamed at me, and then in a calmer voice she said, "I haven't seen or heard from him either."
I stared blankly at her. She glanced at the answering machine on my desk. The red light was blinking.
"When was the last time you answered your phone?"
I shrugged. " Not since he left."
She punched the play back button. First message was Judd.
"Damn, Jace I wish you would answer the phone. Don't you understand? Annie's like a little sister to me. God, I would never think of having sex with her. I'll call you back later."
There were many beeps from the machine indicating calls with no messages. There were quite a few messages from other people that Annie fast-forwarded, searching for more from Judd. And then the message recorded minutes before as I had waited for Annie and Lee.
"Jace, I feel like I'm going to die." His words were so slurred it was difficult to understand them. "I'm seeing black spots.... I've only got one bottle left.... I just want to tell you... one last time.... I'm sorry for making you mad at me.... I love you." There were pauses like he was having difficult thinking. And then there was a longer pause. We could hear him weeping. And then. "Bye, Jace."
I was devastated. I began to realize what I had done in my jealous rage. I was shaking, my eyes felt like hollow pits.
"I've got to go find him," I whispered.
"Did he say where he was going when he left?" Lee asked.
"He left a note." I rushed into the kitchen, fell to my knees and scurried around looking for it. I hadn't done any housekeeping so it had to still be there. I found it under the edge of the counter, smoothed it out and handed it to Annie. She called information and then the motel. Yes, he was still registered there. Did we know him? Would we, please, come get him?
"Where are your damn car keys?" Annie asked when she hung up.
I handed them to her. She motioned for Lee to bring me along and headed to the lift. When we got to the Jeep, Lee pushed me into the back seat, and got behind the wheel. Annie climbed into the passenger seat, handing her the keys.
As we flew down the 10, Annie turned and started telling me off. "If I were a man I'd beat some sense into you. I've never seen anyone so much in love as Judd is with you. You are one sick fucker to do this to him."
All I could do was hang my head and agree with her.
When we arrived at the motel Annie ran in and got the key to his room. The desk clerk informed her that Judd hadn't let anyone in to clean since he had checked in. The only thing he had observed him taking into the room with him was a liquor box. He speculated that it was filled with bottles of booze.
We pulled into the back of the complex and Annie and Lee ran up the stairs to his room. I followed. They left the door open as they went in. The stench of booze and vomit made me gag before I got to the door. Judd was lying on the bathroom floor hugging an empty bottle. At least, we wouldn't have to make him puke. He was on his side with his knees pulled up to his chest, his head was resting on the base of the toilet bowl in a puddle of vomit and spilled whiskey.
Annie opened the blinds and windows. Lee took the bottle from his hands and lifted him up. Holding him under his arms from the back, she ordered me to strip him. She then headed toward the shower with him. I came to my senses somewhat, and stopped her. "Let me. I caused this mess. Let me clean him up."
I kicked off my shoes and took him into the shower. My guilt overwhelmed me. I bathed him while crying the whole time. I am such an ass to have done this to this wonderful young man. I wondered if he would ever forgive me.
Annie threw a blanket around him, and we headed for the Jeep. We took him to the UCLA Medical Center Hospital. It was faster than waiting for an ambulance. He was admitted immediately into their detox ward. We were told there was nothing we could do for at least two days.
I looked through the window at him. He was strapped down with tubes in his mouth and arms. God, that it was me lying there instead of him. ‘Please, God,' I prayed, ‘let him be able to forgive me for driving him to this.'
My wet clothes were beginning to dry, only to make me feel more miserable. We went back to the motel. I went into the office and settled up his bill, and left an extra hundred for cleaning the room. Lee drove me back to the loft. Annie drove Judd's pickup. I invited them up for a cup of coffee.
Annie scrambled some eggs and toasted some bread. I still didn't feel like eating. Lee told me she would force feed it to me if I didn't eat it. Since I hate to be force-fed; I ate it. It certainly didn't taste like Judd's eggs. I started crying again. I asked Annie to forgive me for being a jealous ass and making stupid accusations.
"That depends totally on Judd. Maybe he can forgive you. If he does, then I will. You certainly don't deserve it," she told me. I could only agree. Through all of this Lee had held her tongue.
When they left, I showered, shaved and put on clean clothes. I washed the dishes that had piled up in the sink for the last two weeks. I cleaned the entire place and did the laundry. When I finished, I sat down and let the emptiness of the room fill my soul. I wanted to impress indelibly in my sick mind what this felt like, while I recalled what Judd's presence had felt like. The rest of the day passed without me being aware of its passing.
The place was getting dark. My bladder brought me back to the real world. After relieving myself, I wandered heedlessly around the room. I wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself, but the despicable act I had committed out of stupid jealousy kept the tears away. I picked up one of his textbooks. A small sheet of paper fluttered to the floor. I picked it up and read it. It was a poem Judd had written to me. It was dated the day before I had kicked him out.
12/3/92
Jace,
Like a promised sunrise you ascend into my day
The brightness of your eyes lights up my world.
With you, I'm where I belong
Protected in your arms.
I have never felt so strong.
Judd
When I read it, all I could think was that I had taken his strength from him. Would he survive, if that was how he really felt?
I went back to the hospital. I begged the nurse to let me just sit with him. I looked so miserable that she relented, figuring it might be beneficial to me.
I moved a straight chair next to the bed and held his hand. I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I knew there was a gentle hand shaking my shoulder. The day was brightening outside. I must have slept the whole night. That was the first time since I had forced Judd out.
"Mr. Deason, Judd is going to be in a coma for at least another day. Why don't you go home and get some breakfast and clean up? I'll call you personally if there is any change."
Later that morning, I went back to the hospital. The doctor was just coming out of Judd's room.
"Good morning, Doctor, I'm Judd Deason's Uncle. How is he doing?"
"Mr. Deason, we have young people come in here from alcohol abuse all the time. I'm amazed that he is even alive. We've got most of the alcohol out of his system now. He will be having withdrawals soon. If we can get him through that, then we will see how he's going to fare. There is often brain and neural as well as liver damage from such extreme abuse. We simply won't know until he is completely dry and awake. Pray, Mr. Deason. Pray."
He turned and walked down the hall leaving me to deal with what he had just told me. I went into Judd's room. He looked dead. The monitor above the bed said differently. It gave out a steady beep in time with his heart. I knelt and held his hand to my cheek.
"Judd, I don't know if you can hear me, but I want you to know that I am so sorry. I love you, Judd. Please come back to me. I love you so much."
I don't know how to pray. I've never been in a church. I grew up on a ranch. It was too far to go into town just to go to church. Mom had a bible, but I never saw her reading it. My dad sure didn't. I figured I would just talk to Him, if He was even around to listen.
"God, you made Judd the way he is. I can't see how you would punish him because of that. What he's done was stupid, but it was my fault he did it. So if You are hearing what I'm saying, I'm asking You to not punish him for this. If You feel the need to punish someone, punish me. Amen"
I sat beside his bed until noon. I hadn't eaten since yesterday. My stomach was beginning to protest, so I went down to the cafeteria and bought a sandwich and a carton of milk. I forced it down.
When I got back up to his room Annie and Lee were sitting in the waiting room. Lee was patting her hand, consoling her. I went in and folded into a chair.
"Have you talked to the doctor?" Annie asked.
I buried my face in my hands and nodded an affirmative.
"And?"
"It doesn't look good."
"You son of a bitch, tell her what the doctor said." Lee had no compassion for me, but then I deserved none.
"He will be going into withdrawals soon. It may involve convulsions. If, and when, he does wake up, he may have neurological - or brain damage. He definitely has liver damage but that will repair itself." I was speaking to the floor. There was total silence for a few minutes.
"You fucked up, uncaring, bastard!" Annie was standing over me. With each word she hit me with her fist on the side of my head. I let her. If she had taken a cat-o nine-tails to me, I wouldn't have flinched. I deserved any kind of punishment that could be dealt to me. No, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I hated what I had done and I wished to be punished for it. "I think I could easily kill you with my bare hands. God!" she screamed and hit me again. "To think how much he loves you, and you and your stupid jealousy did this to him. God damn you, Jace Deason. God damn you."
Lee gathered Annie into her arms, caressing her back, soothing her. "Leave him alone, Love. He's paying for it. Come on, let me take you home."
Annie allowed herself to be led away. At the door she turned back and said, "You call me if there's any change.... please." They left.
I dragged myself back into his room and for hours sat holding his hand, talking quietly to him. He lay like a dead man, not moving a muscle. And then, without warning, he started convulsing. He was strapped down so there was no possibility of him falling off the bed, or tearing the tubes out of his arms.
I hit the panic button and ran to the door yelling for help. It came fast, two doctors and three nurses were immediately there. One of the nurses ushered me out of the room and told me to go sit down.
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket, and dialed Annie. When she answered, I told her the convulsions had started. There was a sob and then a click as she hung up on me. I don't know how long I sat there, on the edge of the chair, my head in my hands. A hand on my shoulder brought me back from where ever my mind had fled to. I looked up. It was the doctor. He smiled. My heart did a flip. Was there hope?
"Mr. Deason, the convulsions were very mild. Our new medications did the job well. With any luck he should come around tomorrow," he said.
He took my jaw in his hand and turned my head, looking at the bruises Annie had dealt me.
"An ice pack on those will make them feel better. I'll tell a nurse to bring you one."
I nodded and buried my head again. After I got my emotions under control, I went back into his room. Even with the drugs they had given him, I could see a difference in his demeanor. He was beginning to look alive. The eye movement under his lids was very active. He was breathing more deeply, too. He looked like he was just sleeping and that he would soon wake up. A nurse brought me an ice pack and a couple of Tylenol. I thanked her and laid them on the table.
I sat and held his hand talking to him until 11 pm. The nurse insisted I go home and get some rest. She promised she would call if there was any change. I didn't want to go, but I followed her advice. After showering, I lay down and passed out. The phone woke me.
"Jace, good morning, am I too late to speak to my son? I know he leaves for school some mornings at some ungodly hour."
"Betty Jean?"
"Yes, did I wake you?"
"Oh God, Betty Jean, I forgot to call you."
"What's wrong, Jace. Why were you going to call me?"
"Judd's---" My voice quit working. I was gulping air like a fish out of water.
"Jace, what's wrong with Judd. Talk to me." She yelled, "Tom... Tom, something is wrong with Judd. Get on the phone, maybe you can get Jace to talk."
"Jace, this is Tom. What's wrong with Judd?"
"He's---he's--- in--- a coma." Once I got that out the rest came more easily. I told them honestly what had happened. They asked concerned questions about his condition, but there was no condemnation.
"I'll call you back in half an hour," Tom said.
I fed the cats, made coffee, showered and dressed. I still had fifteen minutes. I toasted a bagel, spread some cream cheese on it and took a bite. The phone rang. I spit the bite out and answered it. It was Tom.
"Jace, I will be arriving at LAX at 3:47 this afternoon. Southwestern Flight 834. Please meet me."
"I'll be there."
"Good. See you."
I went back to the hospital and sat with Judd until 3:00. I got on the 405 headed to the airport. I had forgotten about the hideous traffic from the 10 to Sepulveda. I crept along with it to Howard Hughes Blvd., then turned off and went streets. I arrived late. Tom was standing on the curb with his bags. I pulled up to him and apologized, blaming L.A. traffic. We were back on the 405 North before he spoke.
"So what is his condition?"
"The doctor seems to think it is very promising. He has responded well to the medications. His brain activity has increased dramatically. They expect him to regain consciousness momentarily."
"Hmm." He stared straight ahead for a couple of minute. I kept glancing at him, waiting for recriminations. Finally he turned and looked at me. "You look like something the dogs dragged in and chewed on for a few days. You doing okay?" he drawled.
"I'm holding it together for the moment."
"Jealousy is a nasty thing, isn't it?"
"I'm going into therapy as soon as Judd gets back on his feet," I said.
There was another long pause. "That boy has worshiped you as long as I can remember. He became very introverted for a while after you left home. When he started high school he began to talk about how he was going to be a famous writer just like his Uncle Jace. You think he's going to be all right?"
"Dear God, I pray so. I will never forgive myself for what I've done. If he's not all right--- I don't know how I will be able to handle it."
"You'll have to. He loves you, Jace. So you will just have to handle whatever happens as best you can."
"I'm not worthy of his love."
"So...... you'll just have to strive to be. Won't you?"
This is the most that Tom and I had ever talked. He reminded me a lot of how Dad used to be, except Tom was kinder and gentler.
We went straight up to Judd's room when we got to the hospital. The doctor was sitting in the nurse's station doing paper work. Tom went over to him.
"I'm Judd's father, Doc, what is your prognosis?" he asked.
The doctor looked up at him and then at me. "Yes. It is amazing how much you three resemble each other. We're thinking Judd's going to come through this pretty well. We're hoping there is no motor damage. I personally think that he won't have any brain dysfunction. But it's up to him at this point. He may be fighting to not wake up. Personally, I think the best thing for him now is for you two to talk to him. Coach him to wake up." He looked at me. "From what I understand from the two women, you should be in there, telling him how you feel about him. That may be the key to bringing him out of this coma. Go give it a try."
We went into Judd's room. He looked healthier than even earlier in the day, less pallor. There was some color back in his cheeks. Tom ran his hand through his son's hair, and caressed his check.
"Hello, Son, don't you think its time to wake up? You've been sleeping a long time. Judd, wake up and say 'hi' to your ol' dad."
The rapid eye movement stopped. His breathing sped up a bit. But still he didn't open his eyes. Tom looked at me and motioned for me to talk to him. I sat down beside him on the bed and took his hand in mine. I looked at Tom, and he nodded his head. I leaned forward and kissed Judd on his lips. I lay my head against his and spoke softly to him.
"Judd, come back to me. I love you. I need you with me. I've been a total fool. Please, Judd. I need you to forgive me. I love you, Judd. I'm so sorry for what I've done to you. Please forgive me. Come back to me, Judd." I sat up. A single tear welled in each of his eyes and rolled down the sides of his face. But still he didn't open his eyes. I sat and watched him. His breath became deeper again. The R.E.M.s resumed after a few minutes.
We took turns talking to him for the rest of the day. There was no more response from him. The girls stopped in during regular visiting hours, and Annie took a turn talking to him. He had closed us all out and wasn't listening any more. They left, I'm sure they were more down-hearted than ever. Tom took a break around nine and went down to the cafeteria to call home to give Betty Jean a report.
As soon as he left, I pulled the sheet down to Judd's waist and pulled the silly gown off of him. I started massaging his chest and sides. I continued talking to him as I rubbed his arms, his shoulders and up to his scalp, I leaned down and kissed him. He moaned. I continued with my tactile stimulation, rubbing back down his torso, his thighs, calves, and his feet. His cock was hard as a rock now. Still he did not wake up. I took his cock in my hand and squeezed it a bit. That got another moan out of him. I was talking to him continually.
"Oh, Judd, you don't know how much I've miss your beautiful cock, too. I want you so badly. Please come back to me. I can hardly wait to feel this big beautiful cock rubbing my prostate again. God, I can feel how you push until you pop inside me and fill me with your hugeness. I can hear those little whimpers you make just before you come. Oh man, how your cock gets even bigger and harder just before you come. And when you come, I feel so full of love for you I just come without even touching myself."
I realized that it wasn't my imagination. I was hearing him whimper. His balls had pulled up tight. I felt his cock get harder just as he exploded his cum all over himself, the bed and me. I looked at the mess and chuckled.
"Wow, you didn't even have to wake up to do that."
I leaned forward and licked the cum from his body. I love the taste of him.
"You missed a gob."
I thought Tom had come back into the room and caught me in this act of desperation. I turned, but there was no one in the room. I turned and looked at Judd. His eyes were open and he was smiling at me.
"You're awake."
"That was better than phone sex. But next time make it full body contact."
"I love you, Judd." A pained expression crossed his face. I panicked. "Are you okay?" He just looked at me with his eyebrows creased. "Judd, can you forgive me for being so stupid? I promise I'll never be jealous of you again. Please, Judd, I don't want to live without you. I don't think I can."
"Did I hear my dad's voice awhile ago? Maybe I was dreaming."
"Yes. He's downstairs calling your mother. He'll be back up in a few minutes. Let me tell the doctor you're awake."
I went to the door and called to the doctor who had his back to me, talking to a nurse. He turned and looked at me. I nodded and grinned. They came hurrying in. Judd had the presence of mind to cover himself. I stood at the head of the bed and held his hand while they did their ministrations. When they pulled the sheet down, it was obvious that I hadn't cleaned him up very well. The doctor stuck his finger in the puddle in the hollow of his neck and smelled it. He glanced up at me with a raised eyebrow. I shrugged and smiled. The nurse was grinning. The doctor broke into a big grin, too.
"Hey, it worked, Doc," I said.
Judd turned a deep red and squeezed my hand. The nurse got a warm wet cloth and started to wipe him down. I took it from her. "Let me, I made this mess," I told her.
She grinned and acquiesced. "Oh, I thought Judd did it," she giggled. Judd blushed again.
"Well, he did, but I caused him to." I was embarrassed, but I wasn't about to let her get to me.
"Would you two stop. You're embarrassing my patient," the doctor said, grinning. We both laughed.
"Maybe I should just go back to sleep," Judd said. He was having a hard time acting serious.
"Don't you dare!" we all three said in unison.
It was more than a week after he woke up before Judd was released from the hospital. Tom stayed a couple of days to make sure that he would be okay. Since he'd already met Annie and Lee at Thanksgiving, he spent some time visiting with them while I was with Judd.
When Tom saw that his son was going to be okay, he went off with Lee for the afternoon. I assumed that he wanted to talk to her since she's a psychologist. The next morning he went back to Pecos. Judd continued to refuse to discuss what had happened and how it impacted our relationship. I assumed that when he got back home he would open up to me.
On the morning he was to be released, I arrived with fresh clothes for him. I pushed the door open to his room just as I heard a nurse call my name. I waved and walked on in. The room was empty. The bed had been made up fresh. The flowers and cards, everything was gone. I turned and looked at the nurse who had followed me in.
"I'm sorry, I tried to tell you. He left with the two women that came to visit everyday."
Her pronouncement laid waste to my equanimity. I fled. I found myself sitting in the jeep parked in my garage. How long I had been sitting there I know not. I had no memory of even driving back from the hospital. I dragged myself up to the loft. I stood in the middle of the floor and broke down. This time I cried for me. Although I still didn't feel I deserved Judd's love, I wanted it... desperately. When I had cried it out, when there were no more tears, I shuffled into the bathroom and undressed. I stood under the hot shower for several minutes. I dried off and crept into my bed. The only way I could cope was to shut down and sleep.
Solitude has made itself at home
Emptiness is my bed partner
Long nights alone
My penitence
The phone woke me. I looked at the clock. It read 6:47 A.M. I picked up the receiver just before the machine took over.
"Lo," I mumbled.
"Jace?" It was Judd. It had been two days since he left the hospital. I wanted to lay the phone back into its cradle, but I couldn't pull it away from my ear. "Jace? Are you okay?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Because I care."
"I'm okay."
"I want to apologize for not telling you I was leaving with Annie. I just didn't want to argue with you."
"I succeeded in pushing you into her arms, did I?" I mentally kicked myself for allowing my stupid jealousy to resurface.
"No, Jace. She and Lee took me to my new apartment. Dad and Lee arranged the rental."
That hurt almost as much as my jealous imaginings. "I see."
"Jace, I want to work this out with you. I just don't think it would work living with you right now. I have a lot of things to work out in my head. And the problems will get ignored if we are sleeping together. You see that don't you?"
"I'm happy you want to work it out with me. Judd, I am so sorry for what I did. I pray that you can eventually forgive me."
"It's going to take time and work to get back to where we were."
"Did Lee tell you I start group therapy next Wednesday?"
"No, she didn't tell me."
"Professional integrity I guess. She's the one who helped me find this group. It's very confrontational. I think it's just exactly what I need. Lee agrees."
"She's been working on me, too. She's one of the good guys under that gruff exterior, you know. And Liz likes her, too."
"And I know that Liz likes Annie, too. She sure does miss you. She wanders around howling like a banshee when it's time for you to be home."
"Jace. Don't. Please."
"I was just going to say that if your apartment will allow cats, you should take her. She'd be much happier with you."
"You'd give Liz to me?"
"Why not? You love her, and she loves you."
"Jace, I---."
"I know. You don't have to say it."
"I love you."
Damn, he said it any way. It gave me a warm feeling.
"I hope to one day be worthy of your love again, Judd."
"Jace, I have to run. I have an appointment with the dean in thirty-five minutes. I've missed three weeks of school. I may be suspended for the rest of the semester."
"I'm really sorry about that, Judd."
"You've got to stop apologizing for everything."
"Judd, would you have dinner with me some night?"
"Do you think that's wise, right now?"
"You could meet me at a restaurant. It's public. Dinner and talk."
"Let me think about it. I'll call you this evening."
I felt better. At least there was light at the end of this long dank tunnel that I had dug for myself. I made a pot of coffee, mixed myself a mug of sludge and sat down to think. It was time to pick up the pieces and get my life put back together.
I sat at my word processor, forcing myself to concentrate on my characters' interactions. After about four pages of continuous writing, I scrolled back and started reading what I had just poured out onto the keyboard. It was dribble. My characters were acting out my emotions, not their own. I reread it looking for any salvageable bit. Then I decided to save it separate from my story. At least it was therapeutic.
I went back and read the last two chapters that I had written before all this upheaval. I got the gist of my storyline and where it should be heading, and started writing again. The phone rang shattering my concentration. I realized that it was dusk. I had been writing for nearly ten hours.
"Hello?"
"Would you meet me at the Barefoot?"
"When?"
"Forty-five minutes?"
"I'll be there."
My heart was in my throat the entire time I was dressing. I rushed down to the garage. No, I danced in the lift all the way down to the garage. I was going to see Judd. It was only the day before yesterday that I had last seen him, but that seemed like a lifetime ago.
I entered the traffic on the 10 west. It's always slow, but it's faster than surface streets nearly anytime. I exited onto Robertson. Every signal was against me it seemed, but I finally got up to Third Street. I hung a right and there was a parking place waiting for me right in front of the restaurant.
I rushed into the bar and looked around. I didn't see him. The hostess walked up to me.
"Please follow me, Mr. Deason."
She led me upstairs. Judd was sitting in a little nook. There didn't appear to be anyone else up there. The hostess disappeared back down the stairs. I stared at Judd. My God, he must be the most beautiful man on earth. He smiled and motioned for me to sit.
"Thank you for coming, Jace," he said.
I sat down. We hadn't broken eye contact. I couldn't find my tongue.
"You're looking better than when I last saw you at the hospital, Jace."
I nodded.
"Are you going to just stare at me all evening?" he asked.
"I'm storing up for later." He grinned. I looked down.
"How did the hostess know who I am? She's new. I've never seen her before."
"I told her that when my twin came in, to bring him up here."
"Hmm, not older brother, huh? Why did you change your mind about dinner?"
"I needed to see you, to be able to look at your face when you are talking".
The waiter came and took our order. We conversed about how lucky it was that he was allowed to make up the three missed weeks during the Christmas holidays, and that I was going on a book signing tour in February. He volunteered to stay with Liz and Gretch while I am gone.
When our dinner was served we ate quietly, enjoying each other's company, but staying away from the subject of us. When we stood to go, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked out the door, turning to say he would call me tomorrow. I waved and walked to my Jeep, not looking back. I didn't want him to see how desperate I was feeling as I left. But I had to look back as I opened the Jeep door.
He was leaning against his pickup looking at me. I grasped the top of the doorframe and stared back. After a few moments he got into his pickup and drove away. I lay my head against my arms and sighed.
Christmas Eve was two days later. I was invited to Annie and Lee's for dinner. I was hesitant to go, but they threatened to bring the evening to me if I didn't. The truth was - knowing that Judd would be there - I couldn't stay away. I went out and bought them each a gift. I knew I was over doing it, but why not. I got Judd and Annie laptops, and a Personal Secretary for Lee.
When I arrived, Judd met me at the door and gave me a brotherly hug. At least this time he touched me. I returned it in kind. He studied my face as he stood back.
"I'm following your lead. I'm not going to push." I told him.
He nodded. Lee stepped up, hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Patience has great rewards."
I got this image in my head of a slim little slip of paper sticking out of a convoluted cookie. I whispered back, "Ah so." I kowtowed to her.
She chuckled and punched me on the arm. "You're such an enigma, Jace. But I'm going to figure you out yet."
"Well, I'm, at least, not an enema," I replied.
"That's arguable." It was a good thing she grinned as she said that, because her tone of voice belied it. Or maybe I was being touchy. Annie stuck her head out of the kitchen and waved.
Their living room was decorated conservatively, which I appreciated. There was a small tree on a table in the corner. It was decorated with silver rope and small silver balls. An old fashion angel graced the top of it. They had looped garlands of fresh greenery around the dining area and kitchen door. Red candles on the table. I went in and asked Annie if she needed help.
"Sure. The only help those two give me doesn't involve cooking. But they do like to eat. Would you stir this white sauce into the peas, add the pearl onions and season them, please?"
"No problem." I did as she asked while she mashed yams, adding butter and maple syrup.
"What's next?"
"Get the ham out of the oven and cut the slices off the bone. You can lay them out on that platter. There's parsley for garnish."
It was a Honey-baked Ham; we were in for some good eating. She plopped the yams into a bowl and handed it to Lee, who was standing in the doorway with Judd.
"Judd, there are four salad plates and forks in the freezer. Would you place them on the table." She poured vinaigrette dressing over a bowlful of baby greens, tossed it, and handed that to Lee. She whirled and opened a toaster oven and extracted some hot sourdough buns.
"I think that's it. Let's eat."
She served a nice California Rose wine. I took an obligatory sip. Judd watched me; I winked at him and smiled. He got up and came back with a glass of water for me. Lee raised an eyebrow at me.
"I love the taste, but I can't drink." I explained to her.
"Do you go to AA?" she asked, forever the consummate social worker.
"He's intolerant, not addicted. He can't drink even a shot of liquor without getting very sick. First thing I learned about Jace," Judd said.
"I've never heard of such a thing."
"Like you're always telling me, Lee, live and learn," Annie said.
"Annie, if I had known you were so proficient in the kitchen, I would have let you take over with Betty Jean at Thanksgiving," I said, turning the subject away from my alcohol problem.
She laughed. "Thanks, Jace."
"Have you two done any talking yet?" Lee inquired. I looked at Judd.
"No," he said, "I thought maybe this week while school is out would be a good time to start."
Lee turned to me. "How do you feel, Jace?"
"I am willing to go at any pace that Judd is comfortable with. I'm not going to push him."
"But how do you feel?" She emphasized 'feel'.
I looked at Judd as I answered.
"I feel very guilty for hurting two very dear people. I feel that if it were me in their position, I would have a very difficult time forgiving me." Looking at Judd, I said, "I want your love more than anything in the world, but I don't feel worthy of it." I turned to Annie. "I feel I over reacted. I ask again for you to forgive me. Let's be friends."
Annie looked me in the eye as she responded.
"Jace, you didn't overreact. I would have done the same thing if I had been in your position. It's me that needs to ask your forgiveness. It was thoughtless of us to shower together, even though there isn't the least bit of sexual interest between us. Will you forgive me?"
"Of course, I forgive you. I knew when I saw you two washing each other's hair there was nothing bad happening. It's just that jealousy has no intelligence."
"Annie and I had a long discussion about it," Lee said. "I'm just glad it wasn't me that happened to walk in on them. I probably would have reacted more strongly than you did."
Annie blushed and ducked her head. Judd had sat there quietly nibbling his salad during all this. He kept glancing up at me as he chewed. We were all quiet for a minute, and then Annie looked up at me.
"The thing that I was angry about was that you didn't go after Judd. Especially after eight days. And that you didn't answer your phone during that time," she said.
"Jealousy is a sick horrible illness. It makes me nauseous to think about how it was making me act. I seemed to have no control over my thoughts. I dwelled constantly on imaging you two together, even though I knew that you and Judd both are gay."
"Recognizing jealousy and what it can do, is half the battle in combating it," Lee said, and then she turned to Judd. "Judd, you're very quiet, Are you okay?"
He looked at me. He had tears running down his cheeks.
"I think that my actions were totally juvenile. I was in the wrong from the beginning. I never stopped to think about how it looked... Annie and me in the shower. Hell, I may have just killed if I had been you, Jace. I knew that drinking was no way to respond to your anger. It was childish to do so. I kept hoping that you would come make me stop. I am embarrassed that I did it. I am thankful that you three care about me. I love you all. Jace, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I'd be most grateful. I really do love you."
"I have never thought about you needing forgiveness. I've been wallowing in my own guilt so much that I haven't considered you being guilty of anything. Of course, I forgive you. How could I not? What you did, I drove you to doing. Damn, Judd, you've become the center of my life. I've come to love you more that life itself."
"I haven't been communicating very well," Judd said. "I keep hearing you begging my forgiveness, but I've been feeling so guilty myself, I couldn't figure out why you needed forgiving, Jace. And I apologize for not being more adult in my actions. I'll try to be in the future. You know I love you with my total being."
There was total quiet at the table as we stared into each other's eyes. I felt like pushing the table aside, grabbing that beautiful young man sitting across from me and ravishing him right there.
Finally Lee cleared her throat. "We have a wonderful dinner getting colder the longer we sit here. Let's eat it in appreciation of Annie's effort to feed us."
We all grinned and dove into the food. I hadn't had such an appetite in weeks. And from the way Judd was eating, he hadn't either. There was only a few scraps of ham left when we all pushed back from the table, and moved into the living room for coffee and a light English trifle.
Although I sat on the sofa, Judd chose to sit in a chair opposite me. I figured that even though he had expressed his love for me, he still wasn't comfortable getting close to me. I couldn't blame him; I was still beating on myself. Nothing more was said about the occurrences of the last three weeks. We discussed world events. Somehow we got onto the subject of having a family.
"I don't know about how I feel about adopting, but I've always wanted my own child. Lee and I have discussed it some, but finding the father we would want is a problem," Annie said.
"You know I've always dreamed about having a family. Having been raised in a loving home, I guess it's natural. The only thing I don't want is a wife," Judd said. We all laughed.
"You've got a big problem, Judd." Lee laughed. "Annie and I can have kids with just the semen from a man, but you are going to need a whole woman to give you a child."
When the time came to part, I could feel the depression of having to go back to my loft alone begin to grow. I'd set my mind to the fact that he had his own place now; that he didn't want to live with me. As the girls walked us out to the sidewalk, Lee embraced my waist and whispered.
"Remember what I said earlier. And cheer up."
They said goodnight and went back inside. I stood with my hands in my pockets, looking at Judd. He was staring at the ground. He looked up at me.
"Will you let me go back home with you, Jace?" he asked in a little boy voice.
I thought my heart would burst with joy. My hands came out of my pockets and to his face. I pulled him to me and kissed him, wrapping my arms around him. "Oh God, I love you, Judd. Come on, we'll get your pickup tomorrow." I dragged him toward the Jeep.
When I slid the door open and Liz saw Judd, she let out a chilling yowl and tried to climb his leg. He bent down and picked her up. She was butting her head against his chin and purring like a motorboat. Even standoffish Gretch was wrapping herself around his legs. I picked her up and she immediately climbed onto my shoulder. I wrapped Judd in a hug with Liz in between us. Gretch moved off of my shoulder on to his and rubbed her head against his cheek.
"I think you have been missed. Welcome home, Sweetheart."
He leaned into me, crushing Liz as he kissed me. She just purred a little louder. We put the cats down and moved back into each others arms. We held each other for several minutes lightly kissing back and forth.
"Come on, it's late, let's go to bed," I said breaking away and pulling him with me toward the bed. I turned and started undressing him. He followed my lead. We kissed each part that we bared. When we were totally naked, we climbed into bed. We couldn't let go of each other. We snuggled and hugged, kissing lightly. We both had a hardon, but it was enough this night to just enjoy holding and loving each other. There was plenty of time later for lovemaking. We eventually drifted off to sleep.
Waking the next morning, I was cuddled up against Judd with his arms wrapped tightly around me. I just lay there, enjoying the fact that he was back and I was in his arms. Eventually I had to get up to pee. Jace just moaned and turned over. I let him sleep. It was just too wonderful to see him back in my bed.
After making coffee, I poured two glasses of juice and sat down on the sofa facing the windows. Judd came in and my eyes caressed him as he sat down between my legs on the floor, wrapping an arm around my thigh. He took his glass and drained it in one gulp. "Being in love is thirsty business," he explained.
There's a floor to ceiling mirror between the two windows. Judd studied the two of us as I sipped my juice and enjoyed the feel of his body between my legs.
"You know," he said in a subdued voice, "we're not only incestuous. I think we must be narcissistic, too."
"Why?"
"Look at us." He motioned toward the mirror. "We look like identical twins."
"I look older."
"Not really. But it's easy to tell us apart. You've got a bigger cock."
"That's a grand way to identify us. I'll just pull out my cock and say, "See, I'm Jace. My cock is a quarter of an inch longer and half an inch bigger around.'"
We laughed.
"What I can't figure out, Judd, is that if we look so much alike, how come I don't get a hardon looking at myself in the mirror? I look at you in the mirror....and see what the effect is."
It was so good to have him back. I still can't believe I was capable of throwing him out. I was one sick fucked-up idiot.
Two Years Later:
I awakened late in the morning. Judd was spooned against my back. My head rested on one of his arms and his other was around my chest. I lifted his arm and started to move toward the edge of the bed. He pulled me back and nuzzled the back of my neck.
"You better let me go. Neither of us is into water sports."
"Mmm, hurry back. I'm not through with you yet," he murmured.
When I came out of the bathroom, he was spread eagle on his stomach. I stopped to enjoy his beauty, his muscular back, the two delectable mounds of his ass, and those long legs that had recently been wrapped around me as we made love.
Since he was lightly snoring, I went to the kitchen and made coffee. I walked back to the end of the bed. I crawled up and lay down on top of him. I kissed the back of his neck.
"Merry Christmas, Jace. I'm all yours," he mumbled. "Do with me as you will. Just don't expect any response out of me. You've worn me out."
"Merry Christmas to you, Fluffy Buns. It's going to be hours before I can get it up again. I've never climaxed so many times in one night. Roll over and hold me."
I raised my body so he could turn. We wrapped our limbs around each other. I gazed into his eyes.
"Like a promised sunrise you ascend into my day," I murmured to him.
He raised his eyebrows and smiled. "You remember my poem."
I nodded and smiled back at him. I repeated the poem.
"Like a promised sunrise you ascend into my day.
The brightness of your eyes lights up my world.
With you, I am where I belong.
Protected in your arms,
I've never felt so strong."
"I still mean every word of it," he said.
"You couldn't have said it any better for the way I feel about you, Judd."
That evening we were expected at Lee and Annie's to have Christmas dinner and celebrate our second anniversary. I snugged up my tie and turned Judd for approval. He walked up to me smiling seductively. His lips met mine and I got lost in kissing him. Before I realized it, Judd had nearly undressed me. I cannot keep my hands off of him. I reciprocated. I'm so happy the feeling is mutual.
Twenty minutes later as we re-dressed, I called Lee. "We will be a few minutes late, we have been waylaid.
"Yeah, which way did you horny bastards get laid this time?" she asked.
"That's way more info than you need laid on you, Woman," I replied.
We both laughed, and I added, "Since we've already gotten laid, we're on our way."
"Enough! Jeez, Jace, just get your butts over here."