Tuesday, June 27th

Tallis got picked up by the police this afternoon and I watched it happen. So I'm still in the process of sorting it all out.

The first thing you have to understand is that I was already feeling pretty mixed up, because me and Austin had it out this morning. It was about me being a pot head. "Like how many other people, Wesley? What makes you think you're so cool when you're just like Adam and Tallis and McAteer, you're just doing what they're doing. Them and God knows how many other people are doing the same damn thing, but you all think you're so cool, but WHY? Because you think it makes you unique? When you're doing what everybody ELSE is doing?"

And while that was hardly the most articulate argument I could think of, I don't suppose I did much better. I think the thing is, neither one of us is at our best when it comes to confrontations, verbal or otherwise. So I spluttered back, that no, I DIDN'T think I was unique, but I didn't give a shit if I was or not, I did it because I wanted to do it and then I sailed off into how the government knows what's best for us, that THEY'RE the ones who on that issue won't accept any answer other than theirs and if you DARE question what they say, then you're "enabling" or you're "sending the wrong message"... and I was well on my way to several other leaps in logic - don't ask me to where, because I have no idea, but it was at about that point that Austin cut in with, "Okay, I agree with you."

"Yeah, about what?" I asked cautiously. Because really, I was expecting a Dr. Danko-type trap.

Austin took a deep breath. "If one of these days I find out that I have cancer, and I have to go through chemo, well, what I've heard is that chemo makes you so sick on your stomach, you can't eat. Or if you do, you might be throwing up, but that smoking marijuana helps. So you can hold your food down. So I think in that case, I guess maybe I would in spite of what the government says and I wouldn't care if I was sending the wrong message because I'd be trying to keep it a secret in the first place, you know? But I mean, I'd just want to be able to have the strength to keep going through the chemo so hopefully I'd get well eventually."

"Gee, Austin, aren't you afraid you're enabling now?"

"No, because you're already hopeless. ... Shit, Wesley, I don't want to be mad at you and I don't want you being mad at me. So I'm sorry if I flew off the handle, but I'm just saying it because... well, because I like you, okay?"

So I was about to stammer out that I liked him too - and I probably would have added that I was sorry I'd let him down - somehow or other, I might have managed that - but he rushed on, "and I like Adam too, but he's so smart, he intimidates me... and you're at least decently smart yourself, but see, that's why I'm saying all this. Because I don't like all those random drug searches and lock-downs and all that bullshit they're always pulling, I really don't, but the thing is, Wesley, that's just how it is. So my question is, is it worth taking the chance on getting caught? Is it worth that much to you? `Cause I don't want to see it happen, Wesley, I really don't."

That really set me back. For a little bit I didn't know what to say, but finally I managed, "You're right. It's not worth it. ... And I want to say, no, I'm not going to do it again, but I already told you that once. Shit, I don't know if it makes me cool or not, but... well, I don't know, I guess I feel that way... sometimes... and maybe it's like Adam said, he said he was tired of being a geek all the time and that's how I felt about it too. But is it okay if I say I'll think about it? ... And I won't ever get high when you're around, okay?"

"Well, maybe I ought not to let you out of my sight, then. ... You still going with Adam next week?"

... "I already told him I was."

So Austin shrugged and said, "Well, just be careful, okay?"

"We will. Adam always is. ... Except his mom still found the shit in his room, but I promise I'll think about what you said, all right? So is that okay? ... I really will. Honest."

"Yeah, I guess it'll have to be. But I expect a written report by the end of the summer."

"What? You want me to write out `I will not do illegal drugs' a thousand times or something?"

"No... you said you were going to write a story for me, remember?"

So okay, he was trying to change the subject, and I was fine with that, but all at once I didn't want to show him that story. Because, like I said before, it's a boy/girl story. And while I didn't know if I was picking up any other signals or not - you know, really good signals - but right at that very moment I didn't want to find out otherwise. It was a strange feeling, because on one hand I felt guilty as sin, so in that regard, I didn't feel too deserving, but still, if there was still a possibility... and based on what had happened when I spent the night with him, maybe there was...

So whether I deserved to have those hopes or not, I still did. Which is why I told him I hadn't quite finished that story. And if you really think about it, I haven't.

Because I was thinking about THIS story, really. My journal. Up to this point, of course, but I was thinking it could be a way of coming out. Even if my story has progressed very gradually. Cautiously, even, but still... well, I've been pretty cautious all along, haven't I?

Except - and this is where things really start getting weird - I was thinking about leaving all the stuff about what went on between me and Tallis out.

I'm not even going to bother trying to explain that, because I honestly can't, but all at once I wanted to start over again. Even if it meant starting from... square three maybe? I mean, it wasn't exactly from square one, you know, but anyway, when about an hour later I saw Tallis walking into the parking lot out front, I was just going to tell him something had come up and I couldn't do anything tonight. Assuming of course that that was what he had in mind - my long anticipated deflowering - and I wasn't really looking forward calling that off either...

But I never had to muddle through all that, because just as Tallis was walking by a black Ford sedan, the doors opened, and when those two detectives stepped out I knew what was happening. And Tallis definitely knew, he just looked resigned. Like he'd been through it before.

I don't think Austin knew right off the bat, but he caught on quick enough. We watched it happen. There wasn't anything we could have done about it - anybody ought to know that - but it really made me feel bad. Because, honest to God, I like Tallis. I haven't been able to stop worrying about what he's feeling right now, I haven't been able to stop wondering what's going to happen to him, or what he was being charged with in the first place... and I wish he'd never gotten into all this shit.

But at the same time I can't help thinking that it could have been me. If it's about drugs, I'm not too worried about him narcing, not on me or Adam, but really, it COULD have been me.

So no, I sure ain't high at the moment. I'm too mixed up for any of that.

Friday, June 30th

The worse is over. What I mean is, since Tuesday afternoon I haven't been able to concentrate. I've stayed away from #2 entirely (that's where we were when it happened) but, no matter what, I couldn't stop thinking about Tallis. I'm not going to say that at first I wasn't a little worried about myself, but by Wednesday night I was pretty much over that part. But still, I kept thinking about Tallis because I kept remembering how he was when he was almost like a little kid, not so very tough at all. If things had been a little different, I think I could have fallen in love with him, because I'd never seen that side of him before. And of course the sex was awesome.

Only I felt guilty about that too. Not because it had happened so much as somehow it seemed like I shouldn't be thinking about that while he was locked up. Street tough I'm not, so to me it was a VERY big deal.

But like nothing had ever happened, Tallis called me at the house this afternoon. I mean, I'd totally given up on getting any good practice (although if you think about it, if I don't know the course by now there's no use in worrying about it), but my right knee was bothering me (I bumped it late last Spring and somehow it doesn't want to heal - it seems to be getting a little worse, if anything). Anyway, I'd just walked in when the phone rang. So okay, it turns out his old man had him picked up. He didn't really tell me much about it, but he's not in any deep shit. Of course he failed the mandatory drug test, but with no priors, he's been released into the custody of his grandparents in South Dakota. (No prior, because that deal back in the Spring when he got into it with his old man never went to court.)

But God, was I ever relieved!

He did mention that he'd come over Tuesday to tell me if I wanted to, we'd get it on all night long that night, but...

Yeah, well, I was still feeling relieved, but that did give me one of those mixed-emotions type surges. Because on one hand, the sex was great, but on the other, now there's Austin again. But I really do wish I'd got my cherry popped, so I wish all that other stuff could have happened after we'd done it, you know?

So don't worry about it, I'm not becoming virtuous - ME? Uh, no - but I really did feel good. Deep inside, I did. It was like a great big weight had been taken off.

Saturday July 1st

So you've heard of this before, right? Where somebody training for the Tour de France or something does so with weights on his ankles, so when it's showtime... well, you know how that's supposed to work, and I guess that's what happened to me today.

At first, I was trying too hard, so I was pressing. Right off, I was actually shaking a little, that's how nervous I was, and with three holes to go the first round, I was still struggling. Just seven under, and if I'd come in at 29, well, basically, that's mediocre. At that rate you're not going to place, but I made the last three, so that put me at 26 and I was tied with five others for second, just a stroke out.

Then second round, I started shaking again after I'd played six holes, but this time it was because I was already five under and I had a whole string of ace holes coming up, so I knew I was on the verge, that this could be a fantastic round. I didn't want to get excited too soon, though. I've done that before. As in gag.

Well, I didn't. I was in a zone, that's all I can say, and I shot a 23. So I was in the lead all right, big time. By four strokes.

So I was shaking at the start of the last round too, but I tried to block everything out, just play one at a time, not to get ahead of myself, and you know what? I beat the shit out of everybody, because I shot another 26. I won by seven strokes. SEVEN!

So I qualified and David Saxon was looking at me like he couldn't believe what he was seeing (because he really thought HE could putt, when he ain't worth a flying fuck) and...

I'm on cloud nine. So if you want me to, I can give you the hole-by-hole account, but...

Well, maybe some other time, I will.

I love it, I love it, I LOVE it!

And by the way, Adam qualified in match play. So we're both in for the North Region. Cool.

Sunday, July 2nd

I almost won again today. 32-25-26 83 and came in 2nd. 82 won.

Oh, and another by-the-way, Austin placed yesterday, and came close today, but he wasn't trying to qualify. He said he might next year.

Tuesday, July 4th

This morning, me and Adam left for for Reading,PA. YES! Except for one thing. I feel like shit. It's not my knee (even if it's still bothering me) it's because I think I've got strep throat. I came to find out that Adam had it last week. Only he was mostly over it by last weekend, but apparently he wasn't entirely over it Saturday. So at any rate, Austin had to go home after the tournament, so while I was riding over to #2 with Adam, well, you know how it is, we just had to smoke a celebratory joint. We just had to. But he could've mentioned that he was still getting over strep, you know? I mean, gee thanks, Adam.

Adam isn't sure I've got it, but it looks that way. He said, "Well, I was getting over it, but I guess I rushed it. But I just didn't think about you catching it from me, okay?"

Truthfully, neither one of us has any common sense. But anyway, he has some pills left over the doctor had prescribed for him, and he said he was pretty much over it two days later. Just not COMPLETELY.

So right now we've stopped for the night outside of South Bend, Indiana. Adam is out at the South Bend course trying to hustle some locals - which he probably will - and I'm in bed feeling miserable. I'm trying not to be bitter, but safe to say, there will be no fun and games tonight. I guess I'll stay in my bed and he'll stay in his. I don't know what he had in mind anyway. He hasn't mentioned it.

This trip really isn't off to the best start I can imagine.

Wednesday, July 5th

So now we're in beautiful Reading, PA. No, I am NOT over what he was so kind to infect me with, and as though that's not bad enough, this morning while he was eating breakfast (and I was drinking juice, because that's all I felt up to) he more or less implied that what happened between us in the woods probably wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been so messed up. So while he isn't swearing drugs off entirely (because after all, we still have some left) he was definitely going to cut back. So that's really supposed to be good, right?

Wrong. Sorry, but that's how it is. Because it's like I said before: I'll feel guilty about it later, but right now I want to have some sex!

Only this room has double beds as well. Not that I feel like doing anything right now, but...

Fine. I'm feeling sorry for myself, then. It's easy right now. He's out at the course practicing, I'm by myself and with any luck, I'll be asleep when he finally gets in.

Thursday, July 6th

I'm STILL not over it. Strep throat, I mean, and I'm not feeling any better about the rest of the situation, I'm feeling even worse! This morning the phone kept ringing and Adam wouldn't wake up until I threw a shoe at him. It was his damn wakeup call, but it just woke me up, not him. Not until I threw a shoe at him. But that's when I found out that he'd gone to bed the night before stark naked. Shit!

Unrequited lust is a bad thing.

But at any rate, I spent another day in bed while Adam was out practicing well into the night. He occasionally called to see how I was doing, he brought me something to eat, and I know that he needed to practice, but he's lucky that I didn't make up some BAD fantasies on my laptop about him.

I made up one fairly interesting one, though. It was about how everything might have worked out better if somebody like McAteer had made the trip with us. Imagine that.

Well, at least that way Adam and I would be in the same bed every night. I seriously doubt he would have been in his birthday suit, but that's what the fantasy was about anyway. Although eventually the fantasy became what might have happened if McAteer hadn't gone off on that acid trip, so it ended up taking place in Kansas City. And I'm going to give it to you. You think I have anything better to do right now?

Late that night we had a shaving cream fight. And it quickly escalated, although at least our beds remained off limits.

But Adam and I had almost established our respective spaces in bed when McAteer got up again, slipped on some pants, gathered up his stuff and ours (including our clothes) and went out to the car where he locked everything in the trunk. I didn't think he'd really leave, although I figured he might drive off for about an hour so we'd THINK he'd left. That's why I got out of bed and looked out the window, I just wondered what he was trying to pull, that's all. His personal consumption bag and bong was still on the TV. So no, he wasn't going to leave us there in our underwear. So what was he up to?

"Hey, Gary, what's going on?" I asked as he came back inside.

"Nothing," he said and he went into the bathroom, then emerged with the shaving cream. Again.

So another struggle took place. McAteer got me first, then he dragged Adam out of bed and got him too. It hardly mattered if it got on McAteer, because with a bed all to himself, so he could sleep naked. So for awhile we just threatened each other's beds.

"Don't do it," said McAteer. "You mess up my bed, I'll mess yours up for sure. Then nobody will sleep."

So finally Adam said, "Well, are you through fucking around?"

"Yeah, I think I'll call it a night," said McAteer, and he pulled off his clothes, toweled himself dry and crawled into bed.

"Well fuck," said Adam, and he removed his creamed shorts, dried off with the bed spread and slipped naked into his side of our bed. Then he asked me, "You coming to bed or are you just going to stand there all night with your shorts full of shaving cream? He got us for tonight Wesley, but there'll be another night."

"Yeah, I guess I'll get the light," I said, then with a perfunctory, "You really are a shit, you know that, McAteer?" I pulled my shorts off, dried myself and slipped into bed, with my back to Adam hoping nobody could see my dick was sticking just about straight up.

For an hour or so I stayed all the way over on my side. I could hear McAteer snoring minutes after the lights went out and soon after that Adam's breathing became regular. He seemed asleep, then with a sigh he turned over toward me, not touching, just more or less taking his half out of the middle. If I were to turn over, we probably would be, but what if I woke him up? I had a hard-on that wasn't about to quit, so what if he felt that? What would he think?

And so I slipped out of bed and went to the bathroom. Only when I returned, he was almost on my side! If I'd been stuck with McAteer I would have thought, " I'm sleeping on the floor!!" But as it was, I carefully got back into bed. Adam was still snoozing away. But I had a right to some space. I shouldn't have to hang my legs off the bed, should I? No, of course not. So in a remarkably short time I had one leg underneath his legs and the other was burrowed between them. Only I hadn't even had time to appreciate how warm and soft his thighs were before he rolled on top of me. I sure was glad I'd just tossed myself off, because he was pressed right up against me and his dick was up against mine! Oh, my GOSH!!!

Well, actually, I was scared as shit. What if he suddenly woke up and went, "What in the fuck is going ON? What are you DOING?"

Good question. But hopefully, I would have thought to sound sleepy and irritable and hopefully I would've also thought to remind him that he was on MY side, but if it had come up, I doubt it. To tell you the truth, I have no idea what I would have said.

But after a few minutes, he rolled off of me and back to his side of the bed which was probably good because otherwise I might have smothered to death. And actually, I was relieved. But I sort of wished he hadn't rolled ALL the way over until we weren't even touching. He seemed to still be soundly asleep, though.

So within ten minutes, I'd rolled over on HIS side. I wasn't touching him, but I was thinking about it. Then while I was still trying to get up my nerve, he rolled over on his side facing me. But he didn't roll over on top of me again - in fact, he still wasn't touching. And he was still asleep. He snores.

Or at least, occasionally, he does. And he was snoring softly at that moment. So I couldn't resist it any longer. The first forbidden zone I touched was his bush. It drew me like a magnet. I thought it was wonderful. He was sweating a little and it felt damp and warm. Then, my heart hammering, I touched his limp penis and held it in my hand, just briefly. I wanted to skin his foreskin back, but I guessed I shouldn't press my luck. Then I touched his balls. Nice. Then I thought, "Oh hell. Let's just see if we can slide that foreskin back, GENTLY now..." then all at once, he stopped snoring!

So of course my hand retreated. And my face was burning, I could feel it. And I hated myself. But thankfully, soon he resumed his snoring. I still hated myself, though. At least a little.

But then, unexpectedly, he rolled on top of me again! Very nearly, but not as much as before, so I could still breathe without difficulty. So while I still hated myself some, I didn't push him off. I'm sure he was asleep. So this is strange, but I wished at that moment that I'd never started feeling him off in the first place. I'm really not sure what to make of that. But I sure wasn't sorry that he was almost on top of me, no way.

Then I guess I went to sleep. With him on top of me! But I must've, because the next thing I remember, I opened my eyes and it was starting to get light, I could see it coming in under the curtains. For possibly two or three hours I had been unconscious of his naked body pressed up against me. So of course this made me very sad, but still, there was the moment. And at that particular moment he was no longer on top of me, but he was up against my side. He must have just moved against me, which is possibly what woke me up. He wasn't snoring, but his breathing was still slow and regular. And while I still wasn't completely awake myself, I was aware of his penis pressed against my thigh. It didn't immediately register on me that it was also a little stiff, but soon enough, it did, at about the time I realized that it was getting harder. That's an interesting feeling. And his toes were twitching, too.

But then the phone rang. Who in the hell told the office to give us a wake-up call at 6:30 in the fucking morning? What, were we on some sort of schedule or something?

Actually, it had been Adam who left a message requesting a wake-up call. And he didn't even wake up. But McAteer was awake and crawling out of bed, so my night of forbidden and really scary bliss was over and done with.

So it's better than nothing, right?

Friday, July 7th

If nothing else, it looks like I'm over being sick. Although it seems as though it made my knee feel even worse, but...

Well, shit. I guess I'll get it looked at when I get back home.

The course isn't that hard to learn, and Adam has been helping me out a LOT, so...

So I don't know. It could be better, but it also could be worse. Adam's still a cool friend.

Saturday, July 8th

We woke up this morning and it was POURING. So I know everybody else had to play in the rain too, but I didn't adjust very well. I shot a 34 my first round, then second round, I managed a 31. But I wasn't totally out of it at that point. I'll admit that a 29 would have been hard to come by under the conditions, but there were some decent scores turned in and I think I was capable of it. (94 total would've placed.) Adam tried to psych me up, telling me that I'd gotten off to a bad start, but I was settled down now and I just needed to play like I was capable of.

And I said, hell yes, I was going to do it.

Then I started out by checking up short on the first hole. So that pissed me off. Then I came up short on the second hole. So that REALLY pissed me off and I just slapped at the ball with one hand, I didn't line it up or anything. Shir, it was only about two inches short.

Well, I missed. I knocked it off the incline to the back rail, and... I ended up with a five on that hole. So that blew my mind. You would not believe how bad I played after that. I shot a... a...

Try again. Ishotathirtyeight. So I was embarrassed and just wanted to hide. I didn't even want to be around Adam any more. Not for awhile I didn't. I didn't need his sympathy.

Thankfully, he didn't hang around the course long at all after the tournament. I was in the car waiting, trying to keep my face hid. I'll admit that I was being a little overwrought, but I couldn't help it. I mean, I felt like crying. I'd made a fool of myself, that's what I'd done. And I thought I could putt. Ha!! So when Adam got in, I wouldn't even look at him. Know why? I felt like I'd let HIM down.

He drove in silence for a couple of blocks then offered, "Well, don't take it so hard. You'll do better tomorrow, I bet."

"Oh, really?" I said, real sarcastic like, "Just how much do you want to bet on that?"

"Not a damn thing if you're going to act like that," he said, then he didn't say anything else.

I thought to myself, "Well fuck, he doesn't even care."

Finally, we pulled into the motel parking lot. "So how did you do?" I mumbled.

"What?"

"I ASKED how did you do?" I'll admit that I didn't sound like I cared too much - I DID, but I'm sure it didn't come out sounding that way.

"I didn't place either," he answered.

And so being unable to think of anything that would sound convincingly sympathetic, I didn't say anything at all.

"I'm going to take a shower," he said soon as we got inside.

"Well, let me get a towel so I can dry off," I snapped.

"Well go get one," he said just a bit testily.

So I got a towel, then he slammed the door. Then I started wondering why I was acting the way I was. I really hadn't meant for it to go that far. Exactly what was I trying to accomplish? So I thought about it, then stuck my head back in the bathroom just as he was stepping into the shower. "Hey, I'm sorry, okay? I'm not mad at you, I'm just mad at myself. Okay?"

"Yeah, fine," he said. Then he closed the shower door hard and turned the water on.

"Shit," I thought, "He's still pissed. Damn! Why? WHY!?" I started crying quietly. Yeah, well, of COURSE I was still feeling sorry for myself.

So with tears trickling down my face I undressed, dried off and having nothing better to do, climbed naked into my bed. Then I decided to roll one. So I got back up and dug the bag out of my suitcase, then I climbed back into bed and quickly rolled it up. But I didn't put any clothes on. So yes, I had the beginning of a somewhat desperate, possibly awful idea. But I was still playing it by ear.

So before long he came out with a towel wrapped around his waist and he said, "Shit. Why are we jumping at each other? I'm not mad at you either, I'm just a little mad at myself. I mean, Robert Etron placed and I didn't. So you blame me for being pissed?"

"No," I sniffed, "you want to smoke one? You know, peace pipe?" and then I very quickly fired it up.

"Well, give me time to put some clothes on... oh what the fuck. Move over," he said and with that he dropped his towel and jumped into bed.

And I only moved over a little. As he was getting situated good his hand brushed fleetingly up against my hip. I tensed a bit and was prepared for the worst which would have been him quickly getting right back out of my bed... but he didn't. He didn't even seem to notice.

He asked, "You been crying?"

I went "Urk," exhaled, and handed it to him. Then I said, "Yeah well, I was mostly pissed off. I played like SHIT."

After he inhaled, exhaled and coughed a few times, he said in a sort of high-pitched voice as he handed it back, "Yes, you did. After I told you not to. What the fuck's wrong with you anyway?"

I took a big toke and shook my head. Then I handed it back to him and said, "I backhanded a two inch putt on number two and it all just went downhill from there. How many strokes did Robert beat you by, anyway?"

He exhaled slowly and said, "Five."

I said, "FIVE? DAMN! That's awful!... Five damn strokes... That's HORRIBLE!"

So he punched me.

And I punched him back.

He said, "Cut it out!"

I asked him, "You want a shotgun?"

He said, "Yeah, sure."

I asked, "How do you do it?"

He said, "You're so spastic, you'll probably get a third degree burn on your tongue. I'll just give you one. Get a little closer."

So I was going to brace my hand on his stomach. Which seemed reasonable enough and easily explained if it was necessary. But I guess I put my hand lower down on his stomach than I intended to. No really, I had no intention of bracing my hand on his penis. On his boner, in fact. Well, if it hadn't been hard, it probably wouldn't have been in the way. But I couldn't immediately pull my hand away. Did it ever feel big! Even bigger than that day in the woods. Maybe I just froze. I think that's what happened. I said, "Oops," but I didn't move my hand, even though I could feel him shaking. Well, I was a little shaky myself, so I'm sure I would've moved my hand in a second or so, but...

But then he reached over and grabbed MY boner. And he didn't move his hand, so I didn't move mine either. Then he asked, "So you still want a shotgun?" Quite calmly, actually. But we were still both shaking. Not a lot, but we were.

And I took a deep breath before I answered. My voice was shaking, my face felt like it was on fire and I really couldn't believe I'd say it, but I said, "Ah, pinch it. I want something else."

Only he said, "Flip you for it." Yeah, and his voice also shook.

I asked, "What... do you mean?"

Somewhat calmer, he said, "I mean I want you too. So I'll flip you for who does who first. I'm not sixty-nining because I can't concentrate as good. Okay?"

I don't think I've ever quite had a rush like that. Not ever. REALLY!

I won the coin toss, so I blew him first. And if I thought it felt huge under my hand, that's nothing compared to how it felt inside my mouth. Turns out it's just a tad over seven inches. About an inch more than Tallis. And while I thought I'd mastered deep-throating, I hadn't. Or at least not quite. Maybe I was rushing things, I don't know, but anyway, the second time I came up short and started trying to gag, he started trying to give me pointers, like I was a complete novice or something.

He said, "You haven't done this very much, have you?"

I said, "Well, not one this big, no, but I know how to do it, all right?"

"Yeah, well thanks for the compliment, but there's a trick to it, okay? Take a big breath first and sort of move your tongue out of the way. It's easier that way. And sort of take it so it's up against the roof of your mouth." So if nothing else, I guessed I didn't need to worry about him deciding not to return the favor.

Which I sure didn't.

Sunday, July 9th

We just stayed in Reading. Well, I mean for another night, we did. Because it was supposed to keep raining well into Sunday, so Adam asked me, "You want to even bother going to Harrisburg? I don't know the wet shots, and I don't feel like learning them, do you?"

I said, "I've already qualified, so I don't have to play. So if you don't want to, fuck yeah. Let's just stay here."

So from now on, there's no way I'll ever NOT like dark and stormy nights. Want to know what was an even bigger rush than the initial one? Going to sleep that night. Although actually it was just before that when he said, "You know, we've got all the time in the world now, so why don't we just go to sleep, okay?" That made me get more choked up and misty eyed than old movies do sometimes. I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt like I was about to burst almost. Which was close enough to that "ideal" for me.

Sunday, September 10th

The truth is, up until this past week I never got around to putting this chapter into my journal. I made the entries, but up until now I didn't see any point in including this chapter. Don't jump to conclusions - because I think it's going to be all right - but the truth is, I didn't know that until the past week or so.

Adam's still a good friend. We're in touch all the time by email, but he's living with his dad in Chicago now. So in the end, while the sex was great, he wasn't the one. If we'd both been old enough to be out on our own, maybe it would still be going on, but I don't guess it's going to happen.

There's one thing I've added to this chapter's entries that wasn't there originally, though. Those mentions I made of that bruise on my right knee that didn't seem to be going away. I didn't mention it because at the time it seemed to be a very trivial thing, but as it turned out, it wasn't. It had developed into a cancer. It could have been worse, if they hadn't caught it when they did, it could have easily spread into the bone, and if it had reached that point, I don't know if it would have been curable or not.

Although it took quite awhile to adjust to having my leg amputated a few inches above... well, where my knee used to be. There's not anything there any more.

So I was really feeling sorry for myself for awhile - in fact, I'm only just getting over it.

And that's something else about Adam: I don't think he could handle it, either. So I guess that proved to be his achilles heel.

But it took me awhile too. I didn't even want to see that stump where the rest of my leg used to be in the mirror, I didn't want to look at it any more than I had to. It's silly, because after all, this is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life, but I just didn't want to see it. So I assumed that no one else would want to look at it either and that definitely put a crimp in my sex life, such as it was.

It did up until Austin changed all that. So I guess that's what my next chapter is about. Even if it's just getting started. But I said it before, didn't I? I said that I didn't mind starting over. Or at least sort of. Because we're WAY ahead of where I was last year, but...

We have lots of time. Like maybe...

Like maybe for the rest of our lives. I think it's possible, I honestly do.