"Hey, look what I've got!" Jay said holding up a DVD case, balancing a pizza box in his other hand. "Mom sent it," he explained. "I can't wait for you to see it!"

He leaned in and kissed his lover before handing the case to Michael and stepping past him into the cozy apartment. Depositing the pizza box on the counter, he made himself at home, finding plates and ginger ales and placing them beside the pizza. "First we eat, then we watch."

Obligingly Michael took his customary stool at the counter, curiously studying the disk in his hand. "What is it?" he asked.

"That, my friend," Jay said with a smile, "is my family and my home. I couldn't make the annual cookout, so Mom filmed it for me... for us," he quickly corrected.

Wistfully Michael said, "I'm sorry you couldn't be there. I know how much your family means to you."

Even if he hadn't been busy preparing for finals, Jay wouldn't have left Michael for the five days it would have taken to attend. Besides, there was always next year when, hopefully, Michael would go with him. "Ah, it's nothing," he said. "Besides, there'll be other get-togethers."

Popping the top on a ginger ale, Jay handed it to Michael before heaping both plates with sausage pizza. He bowed his head and Michael asked the blessing. The perfect domestic scene, he thought with a great deal of satisfaction.

"How was your day?" Jay asked between bites of pizza.

"Mmmm," was Michael's non-committal answer. "And yours?"

Jay sighed. "I am so glad this is almost over. I don't think I could handle one more term like this one," he said, suddenly reminded that with graduation came decisions to be made. He hadn't brought it up yet, but he was hoping to convince Michael to go back to Brownsville with him, even though he'd feel guilty for tearing him away from his family so soon after their reunion.

Michael remained silent and Jay wondered if he were thinking similar thoughts; that after graduation he'd return home, leaving Michael behind. Never! Now that he had him, he didn't intend to give him up without a fight.

Silently they ate their pizza, each lost in their own thoughts.

After dinner, they cleaned up the kitchen and took their drinks in to the living area. Michael settled himself on the couch and Jay turned on the TV, inserting the homemade DVD into the player.

"You are gonna love this," Jay assured him, starting the video with the remote and taking his customary place beside his lover.

A smiling young woman's face came into view, hair, skin, and eyes a perfect match for Jay's. "That's Maria," he said, "she's my oldest sister. And that's Theresa." Another dark-haired girl entered the camera's view, a dead ringer for the first, only a few years younger. "She's next in line after Maria." A young man who bore a striking resemblance two the two girls stepped before the camera. "There's Cousin Angel," Jay said. "Do you remember me telling you about him?"

Michael nodded, watching with rapt attention as parts of Jay's extended family, one by one, approached the camera and waved to them. The camera panned to a massive table set up outside, laden with food. As they watched, more people arrived on screen, each bringing a covered dish. Then a man appeared, struggling under the weight of a loaded tray.

"There it is," Jay shouted excitedly. "Cabrito! Man, I wish I could have some of that."

"Cabrito?" Michael asked.

"A young goat," Jay explained. "When we have family dinners someone always cooks a goat."

Seeing the face his lover was making, he remarked, "What? You mean to tell me you've never had goat? Man, you don't know what you're missing." Jay continued his narrative until Michael suddenly went rigid, all color draining from his face. "Michael! What's wrong, Querido?" Quickly turning off the television Jay turned his trembling lover until he could see his face. Michael kept his eyes tightly closed, refusing to open them. "Michael, talk to me, please! Tell me what's wrong."

Still Michael refused to reply. Jay held him, stroking his back and singing to him softly in Spanish, something he did whenever Michael was awakened by a nightmare. Eventually he calmed enough for Jay to take him into the bedroom and put him to bed. He didn't resist the pill that Jay handed to him with a cup of water. Once Jay was sure his lover was asleep, he crept back into the living area to figure out what had set Michael off.

Turning on the TV and keeping the volume low, Jay watched the video again, advancing to the part that had caused Michael's reaction. Then he saw it and was amazed that he'd never thought of this before. Someone was filming four of his cousins playing around in his uncle's Jeep. They were yelling and laughing, tearing across the sand on his uncle's ranch. Damn. It seemed that the place Jay knew, loved, and couldn't wait to get back to bore a startling resemblance to a battle-torn place that was half a world away.

Suddenly he remembered something Michael had shown him earlier and crossed the floor to the small desk that held a computer. Searching through the pictures located in the 'My Pictures' folder, he quickly located the one he was looking for, gently tracing his fingers over the familiar features of his beloved. His lips drew up into a smile, mimicking the expressions of the three young men in the image. They were all in uniform, but Michael's shirt was partially unbuttoned, exposing a thin white T-shirt stretched tightly across his well-defined chest. He dwarfed the other two men in the picture.

Jay paused and contemplated the sight of his lover, knowing it was taken before the horrific events that now haunted him. Then he clicked on other pictures in the folder, looking for the one he remembered. He paused every time he saw one of the smiling Corporal Ritter, taking a moment to admire the handsome man that was, for now at least, his.

And if he had any say in the matter Michael always would be.

Several of the photographs contained the same two men from the first, and Jay wondered who they were. Due to the sheer number that featured all three men, it was clear that they were good friends. The strange thing about the two, though, was that there were no pictures of either of them without the other. Then it occurred to him that Michael had mentioned them. Sadness gripped him like a fist as he matched descriptions with the men pictured.

"Small blond with laughing eyes," Michael had said. So this was Ryan. "Copper-top with a zillion freckles." Jay realized that he was looking at the ill-fated Jimmy. It broke his heart to see the two men that fate had torn apart, laughing and happy and unaware of what was coming. These were the friends that Michael had cared so much about, and for whom he now carried a tremendous burden of guilt.

Jay forced himself to continue his search until he found what he was looking for: pictures of Jeeps, Humvees, and other vehicles kicking up huge clouds of dust as they rode single file over a bleak and harsh landscape; a landscape that eerily reminded him of his own home. Now he knew what had set his lover off. Though it saddened him to think that his dream of taking Michael 'home to Mama' was just that for now - a dream; he could never ask his lover to live in a place that would make him uncomfortable. Carefully he closed the images, all but for the first one he'd looked at. He studied it more closely now, silently mourning for those two young lovers who were forever denied the chance for the happiness he hoped to have with Michael, mourning also for the young man Michael had been, so free and unburdened by guilt, fear, and remorse. He shut down the computer, hoping Michael wouldn't find out he'd used it and think he'd been snooping. Sitting there in the quiet apartment, hot tears rolled down his face as he cried for the three young soldiers.

* * *

With a start Jay awoke to find himself still sitting in the computer chair, the pale moonlight having given way to the rising sun. Michael was still asleep when Jay quietly crept into the bedroom to check on him, marveling at the pure masculine beauty that sprawled so inelegantly across the tangled sheets. In that moment Jay realized that he wasn't really debating the future anymore. It pained him to say it, but if he couldn't take this man with him then he wouldn't return home. Michael meant more to him than the place of his birth and raising. Michael was his home. He also didn't think his lover was ready to leave his own newly-rediscovered family or his doctor and counselor. Though he seemed to be making progress, a move right now might prove a major setback.

Jay made up his mind, knowing in his heart that it was the right decision. He'd call his parents later and then he would call his uncle, thanking him for the opportunity he had offered with his firm, and asking him humbly to provide references for his continued job search. After classes ended today, he'd pay a visit to his faculty advisor to request assistance with job placement. Until then he'd enjoy the quiet time here in the early morning hours with his lover.

He stripped his clothes off, tossing them carelessly to the floor. Easing down onto the warm bed, careful not to disturb Michael, he curled into that warm body and gently brushed his lips against his lover's.

Michael mumbled sleepily.

"Hey," Jay whispered, leaning in for another kiss. "I didn't mean to wake you. I forget what a light sleeper you are sometimes." Usually though, after an anxiety attack, the man slept like the dead.

Michael pursed his lips but kept them firmly pressed together, causing Jay to laugh. His lover was extremely embarrassed by morning breath, and until Michael had coffee and brushed his teeth, he could expect no tongue.

Normally Jay was the aggressor, but warm arms reached out and pulled him closer, Michael burrowing into his neck, causing his cock to rise in response to the sudden display of affection. Michael squirmed until he was on top and then looked down with a grin, the evidence of his own arousal pressing back against Jay's.

This unexpected glimpse of his lover's playful side was an extreme turn on, especially in light of what had transpired just a few hours ago. Jay briefly wondered what had inspired such uncharacteristic behavior before deciding it didn't really matter. What mattered was that he had a warm and willing man in bed who didn't seem too badly affected by the previous night, and an hour before they needed to get up and moving. He didn't plan on wasting a single moment.

Pressing their lips together, he momentarily forgot about his lover's aversion to morning kisses, but was disappointed when Michael's mouth slipped away to his neck instead-but not for long. A gentle kiss turned aggressive and Jay was delightfully surprised to feel teeth scrape his neck; something that he found extremely arousing, but that none of his previous lovers had understood. Michael not only understood, but enjoyed the giving as much as Jay enjoyed the receiving.

Jay's cock was fully hard now and meeting Michael's stroke for stroke as their humping grew frantic. Mouth, tongue and teeth sucked, nibbled, and scraped a trail from his neck to his pecs before latching onto a nipple and working it aggressively. Arching into the contact, he hissed between clenched teeth.

One hardening nub was traded for the other, but the delicious friction suddenly left his lower body, replaced by a firm, slick grip. Where had Michael gotten the lube? Then it didn't matter anymore as Jay's cock was expertly worked in that tight fist. If he didn't know that Michael was fairly new to gay sex, he'd be jealous of just where he'd gained his experience, for there was nothing shy and unsure about how he stroked Jay with the precise pressure that he loved, alternating the tempo of the strokes and keeping him off balance. Just when he felt his balls drawing up and that familiar tingling in his belly that heralded an approaching climax, Michael would slow down, or release his grip entirely. At Jay's moan of protest, Michael just grinned, fully aware of the effect of his teasing.

Reaching the point of pleading for release, Jay found himself flipped face down upon the bed, his hips grabbed and lifted unceremoniously and plopped on a pillow that had appeared from nowhere. The air against his exposed back was cool, but only for a moment. His lover covered him with his body, resuming the earlier attention to Jay's sensitive neck. When that mouth opened and teeth lightly sank into his shoulder, Jay couldn't help but shiver with anticipation.

In their brief time together Michael hadn't indicated that he wanted to top, and Jay hadn't pushed the issue, even though he secretly longed for it, knowing he'd be Michael's first. "I want to see you, Michael," he said, rolling to face his lover. "I take you from behind most of the time because I thought it would be easier for you, but you don't have to be easy with me; I can take it."

Michael paused a moment before leaning in and whispering, "Mine," lifting Jay's legs and placing them over his shoulders.

Jay nearly came from the possessive growl in his lover's voice. "Yes!" he agreed, loving this self-assured side that Michael, only displayed in bed. Again it crossed his mind to wonder just where the new-found lovemaking skills had come from, but the truth was revealed as the man awkwardly prepared his ass. Wherever he'd gotten the knowledge, it wasn't first hand. In his haste, Michael had forgotten to put on a condom first, and now was finding the task daunting with his hand slicked with lube. Jay took pity on him and took the package from him, deftly ripping it with his teeth, removing the latex within and working it down Michael's engorged cock with practiced ease.

With Michael's sheathed cock poised at his entrance, time suddenly stood still. They held each other's gaze as Michael slowly, slowly lowered himself down, nearly folded Jay in half. Jay was reaching the point where he was going to ask his lover to ease up, when Michael suddenly lost his revulsion to morning kisses and firmly brought his open mouth down to Jay's, demanding entrance at the same moment that his cock breached him. Jay moaned into the kiss, overwhelmed that his lover was kissing him when he had long given up hoping for that, and from the feeling of being entered.

Pulling back, Michael panted, "Damn! Why didn't you tell me this felt so good?"

With a wicked grin Jay replied, "I did."

Concern appeared on Michael's face, his brow creasing with worry. "You won't let me hurt you, will you?"

"Querido, I know you'd never hurt me. In fact, if you don't speed things up, I just might scream."

Michael grinned devilishly and proceeded to do exactly that, driving in forcefully, losing them both in the hard, pounding rhythm.

Jay reached down and began stroking his own cock when Michael's mouth descended again, folding him over and repeatedly pounding 'that spot.' Pushing in hard, he stilled, moaning into Jay's mouth as he came.

Frantically Jay worked his own flesh, finding his own release a moment later, just as Michael collapsed beside him. They lay panting afterwards, caught in the afterglow.

"Damn, Jay! I didn't know it could be like that! Is that what it's like when you do me?"

Jay looked over at Michael and smiled. "It's amazing being in you, but I loved the feeling of you in me, too."

Michael kissed him again, pulling him into a tight embrace. Suddenly Jay realized just how bright the room was and looked over at the bedside clock. "Oh, shit; I'm gonna be late!"

He'd love nothing better than to spend the day here, but he had to study and complete his final project. Reluctantly he left the warm, safe haven of his lover's bed to start his day. After a quick shower he threw on a combination of his and Michael's clothes, and then sat back down on the edge of the bed to bid his lover goodbye. "Michael, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

Michael, looking sated and sleepy, replied, "You can ask me anything."

"I don't know how to say this but, you're usually so unsure in bed and a little…"

"Awkward?"

Jay chuckled softly and said, "I was going to say, 'not so aggressive.' What came over you this morning? Not that I'm complaining or anything."

"I wanted you," Michael replied simply, as if that explained everything.

Perhaps it did. And if it helped to chase away the phantoms, Jay was all for it.