---

The ringing of my cell phone broke my concentration from reading my favorite story. I grabbed the phone from my nightstand and looked at the caller id, hoping that it was Tristan calling. I clicked the send button. "Hi Bas," I said, half heartedly.

"Well that was less than enthusiastic. Did I interrupt something?"

"Sorry, I was hoping it was Tristan. I was just reading."

"Let me guess, "The Body", right?"

I looked down at the tattered cover of Different Seasons by Stephen King, which contained "The Body" in it and smiled. "Of course. It's my favorite story."

"I thought as much. At least you and Kev have something in common. That's his favorite movie. He watches it at least once a month."

"I knew I liked him for some reason."

"You and me both, JJ. You and me both. So, no word from Tristan?"

"No, nothing. It's been three weeks since I last saw him."

"Have you tried calling him?"

"Yeah, I called his cell phone a number of times and every time, I get the same message."

"That he's either got his phone off or out of the coverage area?"

"Yeah, not even his voicemail."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, it does." I look over at the Christmas screen saver on my computer. "Hey, are you coming home for Christmas Eve tomorrow?"

There was a pause at the other end for a minute or two. "I'm sorry Jus, I'm not coming home. I can't. I won't put with him any more. Besides, Kevyn and I have plans for Christmas Eve. We're having some friends over for an open house."

"Oh." I'm sure my face dropped down into the bed.

"Don't be upset JJ, please. I want to see you but I can't stand him anymore. When do you go back to school?"

"Not until the 22nd of January."

"Wow, that's late. We start back right after the 1st. Well, tell you what, maybe you can come down for the MLK long weekend. How does that sound?"

"That would be great! But what do I tell Mom and Dad?"

"I don't know, we'll think of something. Maybe you can tell them you're going to visit a friend from school?"

"Yeah, that might work."

"Is Jayson bothering you?"

"No, we're pretty much doing our own thing. I've been staying in your room."

"Oh? What do the 'rents think of that?"

"You know Dad, he's not said much of anything. If it doesn't have to do with his job, his golf game, or the boys at the bar, he doesn't take any notice of it. Mom probably thinks that I miss you."

Bastian didn't say anything for a few seconds. Then he uttered "Well?"

"Well, what?"

"You do miss me, don't you?"

Now it's my turn to wait. I gave it a few seconds then I said, "And you are?"

Bastian chuckled a little bit then muttered "Wiseass" into the phone.

"Smartest part of my body!"

I heard some noise from the other end of the line and then I could hear Bastian talking to someone else. "Hey, look JJ," he said when he came back. "Kev just got home with the stuff for the party. I gotta help him bring it in and put it away, ok?"

"Yeah, ok."

"Cheer up little bro. You'll hear from him again."

"I hope so."

"I'm sure you will. Take care. Love you."

"Love you too bro. Merry Christmas!"

"You too JJ, you too." And then the call ended. I tossed the phone back onto the bed and got up and stretched. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost five. I had been reading for the last three hours. I walked to the top of the stairs and listened. The house was quiet, not even the furnace was blowing. Dad was at work and Jayson was out with his buddies from high school. Mom must have gone out as well. I turned around and headed back to Bastian's room. I sat back down on the bed, grabbed the book and went back to reading.

* * *

The next day was Christmas Eve. This was the first Christmas Eve where we were not all together. Christmas has always been the big holiday in my family. Don't know why. We're not really religious. But it was. Thanksgiving was like that when we were younger but after Dad's mother passed away the family sort of drifted apart. My father and his brother never really got along I guess, so the only time we really saw Uncle Bill and Aunt Sue and the cousins was at Grandma's for Thanksgiving. We'd never go anywhere at Christmas. Mom and Dad liked to relax that day, enjoying the peace and quiet, and with three kids in the house it's amazing there was any peace and quiet.

Yeah, so for Christmas Eve we'd end up having a nice dinner and then we'd gather in the living room where the tree was and we'd watch "A Christmas Carol". The lights would be off in the room, except for the tree and whatever light came from the television. Mom and Dad would sit in their chairs--we kids were never allowed in their chairs--and Bastian and Jayson and I would curl up on the sofa and watch the movie. After the movie we'd be sent to bed and then at some point before they went to bed, they'd put the presents under the tree.

Of course you know what it's like being a kid on Christmas morning. We couldn't sleep. Usually Jay would wake me up and then we'd go wake up Bastian and we'd spend the rest of the night talking, wondering what we got, or as we got older we'd play card games and then finally around six, we'd go wake up the parents. Well, I should more correctly say we'd go wake up Mom. We'd not wake up Dad; we'd let her do that. He was never the nicest guy anyway, and we definitely didn't want to be the ones to wake him up at six o'clock in the morning! Especially if they didn't go to bed until like one or two in the morning!

So we'd wake Mom up and then we'd wait at the top of the stairs. We weren't allowed downstairs until they said so. Mom would get her robe on and wake Dad up and she'd go downstairs. She'd plug in the tree and go into the kitchen and start a pot of coffee. By the time the coffee was ready, and to a kid the coffee seemed to take hours to make, Dad would be up. He'd have gone to the bathroom and splashed water on his face. He'd come out of his bedroom and we'd all move out of his way. He'd go downstairs and join Mom in a cup of coffee.

Finally after an eternity, or at least it seemed like it when we were kids, Mom would call us downstairs. Then the fun began. We'd all race downstairs trying to get ahead of the others. It's amazing we didn't spend any Christmas mornings in the emergency room dealing with broken bones. We'd come into the living room and stare at the bottom of the tree.

We never had a lot of money, and if it weren't for the scholarships and financial aid, Jayson and I wouldn't be at college, but the tree always seemed to be dwarfed by the number of boxes under the tree. We'd each go to a spot on the carpet and then Bastian, being the oldest, would hand out the presents.

You hand a present to an eight year old and what does he do? He rips it open. He's got the wrapping paper off faster than you can take a picture. But not us. No, we had to wait until Bas handed out all the presents to everyone, then we'd take turns. Dad would open one, then Mom, then Bas, then Jayson, and then me. And we'd do it again until they were all gone.

After the presents were all opened, Dad would go out to the mailbox and get the paper and sit in his chair and read it. Mom would go into the kitchen and make breakfast. The only time we'd ever have steak for breakfast was on Christmas morning. We'd have steak and scrambled eggs and bacon and home fries and juice and milk. We'd eat and then Mom would clean up from breakfast and start on dinner. Dad would go back to his chair and go back to reading the paper and fall asleep. We'd all play with our new toys. Later in the afternoon we'd have dinner and go back to playing with our toys. And that was Christmas in my house.

"Justyn! Can you come downstairs please?" Mom's voice came up the stairs. I put my book down and headed out of Bastian's room. I came downstairs into the hallway and saw Dad and Jayson in the living room off to the left. Jayson looked up at me as I stepped off the stairs and headed down the hall. He just sort of glared. Dad didn't look up from the TV he was watching. I padded down the hall and went into the kitchen. Mom was busy moving between the stove and the counter. She was putting the finishing touches on dinner.

"Oh Justyn, set the table will you, honey?"

"Sure, Mom." I headed off to the left and into the dinning room. Setting the table was usually Bastian's job but I guess she figured out he wasn't coming, or maybe decided he wasn't welcome. I went to the buffet cabinet against the wall with living room and grabbed four placemats and put them on different sides of the table. Usually Jay and I sat with our backs to the bay window facing Bas. Mom sat on the side closer to the kitchen and Dad sat on the opposite. I grabbed out napkins next and then started in on the place settings. I had the table set in about ten minutes. One of us on each side of the table. I didn't bother setting a place for Bastian since I knew he wouldn't be home.

After I was done I went back into the kitchen. Mom was just finishing pulling the roast out of the oven. I still heard the TV from the living room. "Start bringing the food out while I get your father and brother," Mom said wiping her hands on a dish cloth. I grabbed a couple of the smaller side dishes and carried them into the dining room. I'd just about finished bringing the dishes into the dining room when Mom and Dad appeared. Dad immediately sat down in his normal seat and grabbed the nearest plate and started to fill his plate. Mom sat down in her seat and bowed her head, saying a prayer. I sat down on the side of the table where Bastian used to sit and started filling my plate as well.

The sound of the toilet flushing announced the impending arrival of my twin. He started to walk into the dining room and was about half way between the doorway and his seat when he stopped. He looked at the table, looked at me sitting on the opposite side from where I usually sat.

"Why are there only four places? Where's Bastian?"

Dad just sort of grunted his reply, not really saying anything. Mom looked down at her plate and didn't say anything either. Me, I kept my mouth shut.

"Mom, where is Bastian?"

Mom finally looked up and turned her head to face him. "I don't know. I never heard from him. He knows when dinner is."

Jayson didn't say anything for a few seconds and then he finally sat down. "I can't believe he's not here. He's never missed Christmas Eve dinner before. Maybe he got stuck in traffic or something."

"He's not coming." The words escaped my lips before I could stop them. Both Jayson and Mom turned and looked at me. Dad stopped eating.

"What did you say?" Dad finally spoke.

"I said he's not coming home."

"How would you know?"

"Cause he told me."

"When?"

"A few hours ago."

"Why did you call him?"

"I didn't call him. He called me."

Dad looked up at Mom. "Did you know this?"

"No."

"Why isn't Bastian coming home?" Jayson asked.

Suddenly Dad became very interested in his plate. "I don't know."

"It's not like we haven't seen him. He came to the Homecoming game and he and Justyn talked all the time."

"WHAT?" Dad roared. "That's it. I told him what would happen." He stood up and headed into the kitchen.

"Ed, No! It's Christmas!" Mom called after him, getting up as well. She followed him into the kitchen. I got up and took off after them, knowing what he was planning.

I got into the kitchen as Dad was about to reach the phone. Jayson was right behind me.

"That fucking little faggot. I told him what would happen if he defied me."

Mom grabbed his arm. "Ed, don't. It's Christmas." He brushed her arm off.

"I told that faggot what would happen." He'd just about reached the phone when Jayson spoke up.

"Justyn's the faggot, not Bastian."

Both Mom and Dad turned and looked at me.

"What did he do to you?" Dad asked through clenched teeth.

"He didn't do anything to me."

"I told him to stay away from you two."

"He didn't do anything to me."

"Is it true?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, it's true," Jayson replied. "The little faggot even has a boyfriend." I turned to look at him, and he had big grin on his face. The kind he used to get when we were kids and he did something that he knew he could get me into trouble for.

"That's it, I'm calling the cops," Dad said grabbing the phone.

I'm still amazed by what I did. Even though I was on the other side of the kitchen, near the dining room, in two steps I was next to him, and the phone. At least it seemed like only two steps. "You're not calling the cops."

"Get away from the phone you little faggot." He reached for the number pad, ready to dial the police station.

I couldn't let him get Bastian in trouble, especially not on a lie. He didn't do anything to me. I grabbed the base of the phone and ripped it off the wall. "You're not calling the cops. He did nothing to me. I knew this long before I found out about him."

The only sound in the room after I spoke was the ticking of the clock on the wall. Even though most of the appliances had digital clocks, we still had an old antique analog clock on the wall. It had been Mom's father's. He'd gotten it from his grandmother or something like that. It was a family clock.

"Get out." He said it very slowly and very quietly.

I just stood there and looked at him.

"I said get out. Get your stuff and get the hell out of my house, faggot." I looked from Dad to Mom and back again. I then looked at Jayson. He was smiling. Apparently I wasn't going to get any support from the family. I guess this how Bas must have felt. I opened my hand that held the phone and let it fall and I turned on my heel and headed out of the kitchen.

I walked upstairs, not bothering to turn around, not wanting them to see the tears starting well up in my eyes. I got to Bastian's room and I shut the door behind me. I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my sweatshirt and then I looked around the room. Fuck. Where am I going to go?

I bent down and reached under the bed and grabbed my giant duffle bag. I threw it on the bed and started grabbing clothes out of the dresser. I'd just about finished putting the clothes into the duffle bag when the door opened. I looked up, expecting it to be Dad, but it was Jay.

"What do you want?" I asked him as I put the last of the clothes in the duffle bag.

"Just watching the faggot turn tail and run. Where's Bastian when you need him?"

"I don't need Bastian, and I'm not running. I just don't feel like dealing with his shit." I disconnected my laptop before putting it in my backpack. Jay continued to stand in the door way. "Why are you still here?"

"Just watching the faggot."

I put my backpack down on the bed next to the duffle bag and walked over to the door. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"You're my problem. You and your fag friends."

"They're not your friends..."

"Yeah, so? You're my twin."

It took me a few seconds but it finally dawned on me. "Oh I get it now. It's not just that I'm gay, but that we're twins. You seem to think that people will think you're gay too."

"I'm not gay!"

"I know you're not, big brother. And so does everyone else. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean you are."

"That's not what people are going to think!"

"Why do you care what people think? Their opinion doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters!"

"I don't have time for this shit." I turned to head back to the bed when Jay grabbed my arm.

"Don't turn your back on me faggot."

"Get your hand off me."

"What are you going to do? Bastian isn't here to protect you."

I pulled my arm out of his grip. "I don't need Bastian."

"Oooh, look who's the tough guy now."

"Just leave me the fuck alone."

"Why? What are you going to do?"

"Don't push me Jay."

"Ooooh, I'm so afraid." He attempted to grab my arm and again and I pushed it away. I continued to walk to the bed. I had just about reached the bed when Jay grabbed me with both arms and turned me around. I snapped. I'd had enough. Before he even got a chance to say anything I broke out of his grip and pushed him backwards into Bastian's desk.

"I told you not to touch me." Jay just sat on the floor glaring at me as I grabbed my duffle bag and my backpack and left Bastian's room. I headed downstairs and outside to my car. The parents didn't even say anything as I walked by the entrance to the living room. What the fuck was I going to do now? Where was I going to go? I unlocked the trunk of my car and tossed my bags inside. I closed it and got in the car.

I started the car and backed out of the driveway and headed down the street. When I was a couple of blocks away, I pulled over to the side of the road and cried.

I had cried for probably ten minutes when the tears finally started to subside. The silence of the car was broken by the sound of my cell phone beeping. I reached over to the cup holder and grabbed it and looked at it. I had to wipe my eyes cause it was hard to read through the remaining water. Low battery. Figures. And I bet in my rush to leave I didn't take the charger with me. Crap. What am I going to do now? Let me see if Cam is around. I'm sure I can crash with him tonight. I called up his number from the phone memory and called. It rang about five times before his voice mail came up.

"Hey Cam, it's Justyn. I need to talk to you. I got kicked out of the house and I don't have any place to go. My battery is low and I forgot my charger, plus I don't have any way to charge it in my car. Hopefully I'll hear from you before the battery dies. Call me." I hit the end button.

I sat there for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to do. I should probably call Bas and let him know what happened. I pulled his number from memory and hit send. Like Cam's phone, his rang about four times before I got his voice mail. I was half way through his message when my phone beeped three times and shut down. The battery was dead. FUCK! What was I going to do now? I knew the city that Bastian and Kevyn live in but I didn't know where they live. Plus it would be late by the time I got to their city, and then to try to find them. I couldn't believe I was so stupid as to forget my cell phone charger. And it's not like I could just go home now and get it.

After sitting for a couple of minutes, I finally decided what to do. I couldn't get hold of him, and if he called me back he'd get my voicemail, so I decided I'd just have to go to his place. I started the car back up and headed over to Cam's house.

It didn't take long to get to Cam's house; after all, the town we live in isn't that big. I pulled in the driveway and the lights over the garage came on. But the rest of the house was dark. Crap, that's right, they go visit Cam's grandmother on Christmas Eve. Fuck, what was I going to do now? I can't go home, I can't get to Bas' place. I shut the car off and decided to wait for Cam to come home.

After sitting for a few minutes, the cold started to seep into the car. I didn't want to leave the engine running cause I didn't know how long he'd be. I popped the trunk and got out and got the blanket out of the back that I keep in there for just such emergencies. I got back into the car and put the blanket over myself and waited.

The next thing I knew someone was pounding on the window of my car. I must have fallen asleep. The car was cold, and the windows had iced over. I stretched and then unlocked the door. The door opened and Cam's face appeared in the doorframe.

"Justyn? What on earth are you doing here?"

I was cold, I was still stiff from the cold. I slowly got out of the car. "I got kicked out of the house. I had nowhere else to go. I called you but I got your voice mail. I was hoping you'd call back but then my phone went dead and I don't have my charger with me."

"My phone was dead so I left it here to charge. If you still have the same phone, you can use my charger. Why did you get kicked out?"

"Why do you think?"

"How? Wait, never mind that now. Let's get you inside and warmed up. Do you have any bags?"

"Yeah, they're in the trunk." I reached down and hit the release for the trunk and Cam walked around back and got the stuff out of the back.

Fifteen minutes later I was warming myself up with a cup of hot chocolate at Cam's mother's kitchen table and explaining to Derrick and Cam how I came to be sleeping in my car in their driveway.

"Well, you can stay here," Cam said after I finished my tale of coming out to my family. "The sofa in the den folds out to a bed. It's not the best, but it's a place to sleep."

"What about your Mom? Shouldn't you ask her?"

"She won't mind, trust me. She likes you."

And so I ended up staying at Cam's. Everything seemed fine until a few days after the New Year. I'd woken up early one morning needing to piss really bad and I could hear voices in the kitchen. The den had a door and it was shut, so I couldn't hear the voices too well, but I could still hear that at least two people were in the kitchen. I got out of bed to head to the bathroom. I had just started to push open the door when I heard my name mentioned.

"How long is Justyn going to be here?" Cam's Mom asked.

"I don't know, probably until he goes back to school," Cam replied "Why?"

"Cause I'm not running a hotel for gay boys."

"I thought you liked Justyn."

"I do, but I also can't afford to take in every gay friend of yours."

"So what do you want me to do? You want me to kick out my best friend? He's already been kicked out of one home, you want me to kick him out of another?"

"No, of course not, but there's got to be somewhere else he can go."

I was going to get back into bed and pretend to be sleeping so they wouldn't know I overheard them but I had to piss, and piss badly, so I coughed and then pushed the door open. I acted as though I'd just gotten up and hadn't heard anything. I stumbled toward the bathroom. "Good morning." Any conversation that had been going on in the kitchen had stopped.

Cam's mother turned to face me. "Good morning sweetie."

"Hey bro."

I waved at them and headed into the bathroom. I shut the door and I could barely hear them resume their conversation. I finished up my business in the bathroom and headed back to the den. Neither of them was in the kitchen. They must have left while I was in the bathroom. I was still tired, and longed to climb back into bed but I decided I better pack my bags and go. As much as I love Cam, I didn't want to cause trouble for him and Derrick with my staying here any longer than necessary. I still had a couple weeks of winter break yet so I couldn't go back to school, and I'd not heard anything about my room assignment being changed.

I looked at my watch. It was a little after seven. Crap, it's kinda early but I got nowhere else I could turn. I grabbed my cell phone and flipped through my phone directory. I hit the send button when I got the number I was looking for.

The phone rang a couple of times before a breathless voice came on the line.

"Hello?"

"Bastian?"

"Yeah. JJ is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me. Did I wake you?"

"No, we were up. Kev was feeling a little frisky this morning. What's up?"

"I got a big favor to ask you."

He paused for a second. "Ok..."

"Can I come stay with you and Kev for a couple of weeks, until school starts?"

"What happened to staying at Cam's?"

"I got up a little bit ago to take a piss and I overheard Cam and his mother talking. She was asking him how much longer I'm going to be staying here. She's apparently not to happy about my being here."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Wonder why?"

"Not sure. I figured I better go, I don't want to cause any problems for Cam and Derrick. So can I stay with you guys?"

"Of course you can. When are you coming?"

"I should be out of here in about twenty minutes. I just have to put my stuff in my car and get the den back together."

"You know how to get here?"

"No."

"Ok, grab a piece of paper and a pencil."

"Hold on a sec," I said as I looked around for something to write with. I found a pencil on the coffee table. "Ok, go ahead."

After getting directions from Bas and finishing packing my stuff, I started to put the den back together. I didn't want to leave it a mess for Cam and his Mom. I'd just about finished putting everything back together when there was a knock at the door.

"Come in."

Cam stuck his head in the door and when he saw that I was up, he came all the way in. "Whatcha doing?"

"Just cleaning up. Sorry if I woke you."

"I was already up. Derrick has a cold and he tends to snore when he's stuffed up. I couldn't sleep." He looked at my packed bags and then back at me. "You going somewhere?"

"Yeah. Bastian invited me to stay with him and Kevyn for a couple of weeks. I've imposed on you guys long enough."

"You don't have to go."

"Yeah, I do."

Cam didn't say anything for a couple of minutes. "You heard us, didn't you?" He finally said, rather quietly.

I didn't answer. I just nodded my head.

"Oh, Jus, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to hear it. You sure you won't stay?"

"Yeah, I should go."

"Ok." He grabbed my duffle bag. "Let me help you."

"Thanks bro."

"Anytime bro."

I grabbed my backpack and we headed out to my car. The morning was crisp and cold. I opened the trunk and we put the stuff inside. I then unlocked the car and got in and started the engine. I got back out while the car was warming up.

"I'm gonna miss you. You gonna be ok?" Cam asked.

"Yeah. I'll miss you too. I'll be ok. How about you? You gonna be ok?"

"Yeah, I guess. Sorry you had to overhear us."

"I'm sorry for causing you problems with your Mom."

"She wouldn't have kicked you out, you know. You're like a son to her."

"I know, but she's right. She shouldn't have to take in every gay boy you know."

"You and D are the only ones I know." He started shivering.

"You're gonna get a cold too. You get back inside. I'll call you later in the week."

He grabbed me in a hug. "Take care. Love ya bro."

I hugged him back, squeezing him for all I could. "Love you too."

I got in the car and Cam went back in the house.

* * *

Kevyn and Bastian lived further from our town than we lived from the school so it took me about five hours to get to their place. Of course, the roads were a little snow packed so I wasn't doing my usual 75 down the highway. Bastian's directions were easy and I found the place with no problem. They lived in the top floor of a 2 family house that was owned by the old woman who lived downstairs. It was a two-bedroom apartment and they let me use the second bedroom. It was a lot of fun being with them. They took me out to a couple of clubs in town and introduced me to a bunch of their friends. I'd been there for a couple of weeks when my cell phone rang with a number I didn't recognize.

"Hello?"

"Is this Justyn?"

"Yeah, this is he. Who's calling?"

"You don't know me. This is Aric. I'm a friend of Tristan's."

Aric? Why would Aric be calling me? And how'd he get my number? "Oh hi Aric. Tristan mentioned you the first time we met. How'd you get my number?"

"From Tristan's mother. You gave it to her when you called the night he was beaten up."

"Oh, yeah, that's right. What can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if you knew where Tristan was? I've not talked to him in a month."

"I figured he'd gone home. His roommate at school said he left for home."

"Yeah, I saw him a few days after he got home. His parents ended up finding out he was gay and kicked him out of the house. He eventually ended up at my place. I found out the next day he was a fag, I mean gay, and well, I wasn't exactly nice to him."

By now Aric had me worried. "What happened?"

"Well, his truck had broken down after he fled his parents house, so he ended up walking in the cold and snow to my house. The next day we went to get his truck and apparently it had been vandalized at school. The word faggot had been painted on the side. We had some words and I said some things I shouldn't have, and did some things I'm not proud of and well, I took off and left him with his truck. That was the last I saw of him."

"And this was a month ago? And you're just calling me now?"

"Yeah, well, I tried to find him, and I tried calling him and his phone was disconnected. Every time I called his folks house I either got his father or the answering machine. I finally got his mother on the phone the other day." He hesitated a moment. I could hear the sadness in his voice when he spoke again. "It took me a few days to work up the courage to call you. So you haven't seen or heard from him?" His voice was almost plaintive by now.

"No . . . no, I haven't." Tristan, what's become of you? The thought left me feeling as bleak and cold as the day outside.