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I stare dumbfounded at Jay. He just stands there seething. Neither of us says anything. Finally Bastian's voice coming from the phone receiver breaks my stare. I return the receiver to my mouth. "I'll call you back," I say and then hang up the phone. I walk across the room from my desk and sit on my bed, my back up against the wall. This is not the conversation I want to be having. Not now, not ever. Especially not with Jay.

"Well?" He says.

"Well what?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"That Tristan's a fucking fag."

"What makes you think he's gay?"

He just looks at me like I just asked him if he thinks the sky is blue. He walks between his desk and his bed a couple of times. "A couple of the guys told me. They heard about his "mugging"."

"Oh they heard he got mugged and they assume that makes him gay?" I retort.

He stops walking and turns to look at me. "No, that doesn't make him a fag. What makes him a fag is that his roommate walked in on him a couple of weeks ago blowing some guy!"

My stomach drops, probably down to the first floor of the building. Shit. He saw us. But how? And why didn't we hear him? We were probably too involved in what we were doing. "So maybe he's gay, so what?"

"So what? So what?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"You're not the one he's seen naked!" He yells.

"So he saw you naked! So has every other guy you've played football with since you started playing in grade school!" Now I was yelling.

"They're not gay though!"

"How do you know? How do you know, Jase? You think just because they play football they're straight?"

"Of course. Everyone knows that fags don't play football."

"Well, there you go, Tristan's not a fag then," I throw his words back at him.

"But what about what Tom saw?"

"What about it?"

"It's gross, it's wrong."

"What he does is his life Jay."

"Why are you defending him?"

"Cause he's my friend. Why are you so ready to drop him as a friend just because someone says he's gay?"

"I don't want him near me. I don't want him touching me. I don't want him trying anything on me."

"Has he touched you before you found out? Has he tried anything on you?"

"No, but that's not the point."

"Then what is the point?"

"I told you, it's gross. It's wrong."

"Is that what you told Derrick?"

"Don't say that name!"

"Why not? Are you ashamed of what you did?"

"I didn't do anything with him!"

"I didn't say you did anything with him. What about what you did to him?"

"I didn't do anything to him he didn't deserve."

That last statement of his really pisses me off. "WHAT?" I scream at him. "Abandoning him when he needed you most?" I say a little more quietly. "I know what happened between you two."

"Do you now? Did that little fag tell you?"

"That ‘little fag' as you call him is your best friend! He is like a brother to you! And when he needed you most, you punched him, then pushed him out of your car and left him in the middle the street!"

"I didn't do anything to him he didn't deserve. And he deserved a lot more."

My head whips up at that statement and I jump off the bed. "EXCUSE ME?" I get right into his face and yell at him. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

He backs off a little bit. "What the fuck is wrong with you Jus? Why are you getting so defensive of those fags?"

I don't back away from him but I do drop my voice. "Why? Because it sounds like to me that you think that Tristan deserved to get beaten and that you think that Derrick should have gotten beaten up."

"Damn straight. Derrick's just lucky I was driving. If we hadn't been in the car I would have given him what they gave Tristan and probably more."

I stare at him for a few minutes. "Who are you?"

"What do you mean who am I?"

"You look like my brother, but I don't know you."

He sits back down on his bed. "I'm still your brother Jus."

"Yeah, you sure don't act like it. My brother wouldn't abandon his best friend, wouldn't beat someone up for something they are."

"That shit's disgusting. Guys belong with girls and girls belong with guys. I don't want to be associated with them."

"You can still be friends with someone who's gay without being gay, Jase."

"I don't want anything to do with it."

I walk over to one of the bookcases that came with the room. Typical dorm furniture. White particle board, two shelves. Nothing too fancy. The University probably bought a thousand of them fairly cheap. Sitting on top are some of the cds that Jay brought with him. Below are some of his books. I start riffling through the cds, looking for a couple of specific ones. "You don't want to be associated with them?"

"Yeah. It's gross. It's wrong. It's against nature."

I grab an Elton John cd and turn and face him. "Oh really?" I throw the cd at him. "You like him don't you?"

"Yeah, he's great."

"Well you better throw it away. He's gay, Jase."

"No he's not."

"Yes he is." I turn and pull out another cd and throw it at him. "And him." I grab another cd. "And her." And another. "And them."

I reach down into his bookshelf and pull out a book by John Saul. I throw it at him. "He's your favorite author Jay. He's gay too."

He just stares at the cds and the book I've thrown at him not saying anything. My hand hits the photo frame on his desk. A picture of him and me taken at our graduation from high school. I grab it and look at it, tears forming in my eyes. So much for not wanting to have this conversation. I turn and throw it at him. "Him too," I say quietly as he manages to catch it.

He turns the frame over and looks at it. He looks up and me and back down to the frame. He does this for a couple of minutes. "What are you saying?" He finally manages to ask. He's still holding onto the picture frame.

"What do you think I'm saying? I'm gay Jayson."

"You can't be."

"Why can't I be? Because you say so?"

"No, because we're identical."

"Oh yeah, you're right, I must have forgotten we are. So I must be straight then."

"No need to get sarcastic little brother."

"Yeah, we're genetically identical BIG brother, except for one thing That one little thing that makes you heterosexual and that makes me homosexual."

"You're just pulling my leg."

I go sit down on the bed and sigh. "No Jayson, I'm not. I might joke about a lot of things, but not this. Not now."

"What did that fag do to you?"

"Nobody did anything to me. This is just the way I am."

"Why would you want to be a fag?"

"What makes you think I chose this?"

"I don't know, why would you? Why don't you be straight?"

"I can't Jayson, don't you get that? Being gay isn't something I have any choice over. I didn't just decide to be gay. I just didn't wake up one morning and said ‘I think I'll be gay from now on.' It doesn't work that way buddy. Why did you chose to be straight?"

He just stares at me for a few seconds. "I didn't chose to be straight. I am straight."

"Well then why would I chose to be gay? Why would I chose to be something that is so hated? I've heard you talk since the beginning of the school year. Why would I chose this, especially if I didn't have to? To have my own brother spewing out such hatred of something I have no control over."

He doesn't say anything for a long time and neither do I. I think about everything we've been through, everything we've done together. It's probably all over now. I'll have to put into campus housing for another dorm for next term. I know Jay won't want me living here anymore. Maybe I should just transfer schools. He makes some noise and I look up at him. His face has a look of pure disgust.

"Does that mean you're the guy that Tristan was blowing?"

I look back down at the bed, checking out the suddenly interesting comforter cover. I let out a big sigh, as though all of my energy, my fight has gone out of me. "Yeah, that was me. Tristan is, or I should say was, my boyfriend."

"I can't believe you'd let another guy touch you there, touch you like that."

"Well, I can't believe you'd let a girl touch you there!"

"What about Suzy?"

"What about her?"

"What's she going to say? She'll probably dump your ass and never want to see you again!"

I manage a small chuckle. "I seriously doubt that Jay. I think she'll be happy for me. Besides, we never were actually dating."

"What?"

"Yeah, you heard me. I was using her as a cover and she was using me. She's a lesbian, Jay. A full blown 100% carpet muncher."

"And you dated her?"

"Yeah, to keep you and everyone else from finding out!"

"Well, they're going to find out!"

"What are you planning?"

He comes over near the bed. "You want to be this way, then everyone's gonna know it."

"Oh really? And why is it your place to say?"

"Cause you fags deserve everything you get." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cellphone. "And I'm gonna start with Bastian. Wait until he hears about this."

As he starts to press the numbers on his phone the door to our dorm opens. "Don't bother little brother, I already know."