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"I'm gonna live my life I wipe away my tears as the song ends. I continue to stare at his grave. I still can't believe it. I brush the snow off the top of the grave, exposing the name. Why? He was only 18! "Justyn," a voice from behind me startles me. I turn to find Tom and a couple of Tristian's football teammates there. "Yeah?" I stand up and face them. "It's your turn, you faggot." They start to come toward me and I start to back away. I look past them I can see everyone that was in the cemetery has gone. We're alone. "We took care of your boyfriend, now it's your turn." They reach out and grab me and start punching me. I try to fight back but it's no use. They're bigger and faster. They continue to punch me and I drop to the ground... The sudden drop to the ground wakes me up. I realize that my head isn't resting on snow and dirt but a cold flat surface. I lift my head and shake, trying to get the sleep out of my eyes. It was just a nightmare. I must have fallen asleep. As my mind comes more awake I realize that I'm still at the hospital. In a room. I can hear the beeping of some machines. The room is dark except for the night light over the bed and the glow of the machines. I get up off the floor and look over at the bed. Tristan is lying there, with some tubes and wires coming out of him and off of him. "Justyn?" he whispers, his voice barely noticeable over the machines. I move over to the bed. "Yeah, babe, it's me. How are you feeling?" "Like I went ten rounds with a Mac truck and lost. Where am I?" "University hospital." "What happened?" I take his hand and sit on the edge of the bed. "I was going to ask you the same thing. Do you remember anything?" "Not really. I just remember leaving the student union and heading back to the dorms, hoping that you'd returned and the next thing I know, I wake up here." "Yeah, I came back early, obviously. I knocked on your door when I got back but you weren't there. So I went back to my room and hung out. I must have fallen asleep for a little while cause I woke up when you knocked on my door, or maybe fell against it. I opened the door and you dropped into the room. I called health services and the EMTs came over. They brought you in here and I came with them." "What time is it?" "It's a little after 4 am." Tristan just sits there for a while, staring up at the ceiling. I don't say anything, I just sit there holding his hand. "Who did this to you?" I finally ask. He turns and looks at me. "I don't know. I've been trying to remember what happened. I don't know who they were, just that they were big, and strong." "Did they say anything that might give them away?" "They didn't say much. But they knew." "They knew?" "Yeah, they knew. They knew I like guys." "What? But how?" "I don't know. They didn't say much other than ‘We'll show you how we treat fags.'" My stomach goes ballistic. I can't believe it. And we thought we were being careful. "We'll go to the campus cops in the morning." "NO!" Tristan says rather forcefully and loudly. "I don't want anyone to know." He says quieter. "Oh." Damn. "What?" "I called your folks." "You didn't." "Yeah, I did." "When? What did you tell them?" "I called shortly after they brought you in. While they were examining you. They didn't know how bad it was and they wouldn't let me in the room. They figured your parents should know, just in case. They told me to call them, and let them know. So I did. I only told them that you had been injured and were at the University hospital. They said they'd come down at some point today." "Fuck. I can't believe you did that." "Did what? Care about you enough that I called your parents to let them know that their only child has been injured?" "I'm not out to my folks Justyn." "I didn't out you, Tris. I just told them you'd been injured." "They're gonna figure it out. They're not stupid." "Just tell them it was an attempted mugging." "It won't work. You don't know my parents." He closes his eyes. "I'm kinda tired. I'm gonna try to get some more sleep." He pulls his hand out of mine. I get up off the bed. "Ok." I lean into kiss him and he turns his head away. "I guess I'll talk to you later." I take one last look at him and head out the door. As the door to his room comes to a close I fall back against the wall and slide down to the floor. The tears that I had been holding in check while I talked with Tris start to fall again. I spend the next couple of minutes trying to stop the waterworks. I can't be seen crying, not here. I'm finally able to slow my tears enough that I can stand. I grab my coat off the floor where I'd dropped it and head down the hall to the elevators. I hit the down button and the elevator to my left dings and opens. It's huge. It looks almost as big as our dorm room. You could probably hold some of my classes in here it's so large. The elevator jiggles a little bit as we come down the four flights to the ground level. I wipe my eyes again as the doors start to open. A couple of nurses are standing there waiting for an elevator. They part as I step of the elevator but don't say anything to me. I head outside and notice that the sun is starting to come up. I look at my watch to discover it's a little after five. The cold air makes me realize that in my rush to get Tristan some help I didn't exactly dress for the weather. I thrust my hands into my jean pockets in an attempt to keep them warm. My left hand hits my cellphone. I pull it out of my pocket and stare at it. I try to catch up with my brain as it starts throwing thoughts at me at a hundred miles an hour. Normally I'd call Cam. When ever something has troubled me before I've always gone to him and he's always come to me. Yeah, I could call him, but I don't know how much help he could be. As far as I know, he's never had to face this. "FUCK," I say out loud, my voice breaking the silence around me. I really hope I've not screwed it up with Tristan. I like him too much. I really like him. Suddenly it hits me. I know who I can call. He told me I could call him at any time. I start scrolling through the phone book in my cell phone as I walk. I then I realize that I've already crossed the small parking lot of the University Hospital and have entered into the East quad area. The dorms surround the North quad, the frat and sorority houses surround the West quad, the University Hospital complex surrounds the East quad and the Administration buildings are around the South quad. Most of the classroom buildings are around the main quad, in the center of campus. It's kind of a strange layout but it seems to work. I press send and wait for the other end to pick up. A groggy voice answers "Hello?" after the third ring. The voice is kind of deep and I don't recognize it, but it could be him. "Bastian?" "Who is this?" the other voice said, sounding a little more awake. Ok, so it's not him. "It's Justyn." "Hold on." I can hear movement on the other end. "Justyn? What's wrong?" Bastian's voice fills my ear. My eyes start to water again. "I think I fucked up with Tristan." "Take a deep breath Jus, and tell me what happened." I sit down on one of the benches in the quad and start to tell him my story of how I screwed up my relationship with Tristan. "I came back early from Thanksgiving. I wanted to spend a little time with Tristan. School has been so hectic the last few weeks with midterms and all that. We didn't get to spend a lot of time together, so we could just be ‘together.'" "Ok. So how did you ‘fuck' up with him?' "I'm getting to that. I got back to school and I went looking for him. He wasn't in his room and I didn't see him in the student center. So I came back to my room and decided to catch up on some of the reading I'm supposed to be doing for my Western Civ class. I must have fallen asleep and the next thing I know, this loud thud woke me up. I opened the door to see what it was and it was Tristan. He fell into the room." "Fell into the room? What happened to him?" "He was attacked. He had been beaten up, his clothes were all shredded. He was all bloody. It was awful." "Oh my god Jus, I'm sorry. So what did you do?" "What could I do? I caught him as he fell and then I put him on the ground and I called Health Services. They sent the EMTs over. They worked on him for a few minutes and brought him over to the UH." "UH?" "University Hospital." "Ok. So how did you fuck it up with him?" "While the emergency room doctors were working on him I called his folks. The doctors didn't know how bad he was at first and if he would make it. They suggested I call them to let them know, just in case. So I did." "And what did you tell them? Did you tell them he was gay-bashed?" "No, of course not. What do you think I am? An idiot?" "Calm down JJ. I didn't mean to imply that you are an idiot. I'm just trying to figure out what happened. You don't need to bite my head off." Not saying anything outloud, I think about what Bastian has said. "You're right Bas, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bitten your head off." "Apology accepted dude. Now tell me what you did tell them." I swallow hard and continue. "I didn't tell them much. I just told them that I was a friend of Tristan's and that he was in University Hospital. He had been beaten up and that the Doctors were a little unsure at that point about his chances, or the extent of his injuries." "So you didn't tell them anything about how you thought it might be a gay-bashing, or that you guys were more than friends?" "No, nothing, I swear." "So what did they say?" "They thanked me for calling and said that they'd come down today. Now that I've had a chance to think about it, they didn't seem overly concerned." "How is Tristan?" "He's ok. Apparently his injuries were worse looking then they really were. They brought him up to a regular room about two hours after he was brought in." "Has he regained consciousness?" "Yeah, he did, about an hour ago." "What did he say about what happened to him?" "He wasn't too sure. He said that he was coming back to the dorms, hoping that I had come back early and that he was jumped. Apparently whoever jumped him knew that he's gay. They said that much." "Why do you think you fucked it up with him?" "I stayed in the room with him until he awoke. We talked about what happened and I told him that I called his folks, and he wasn't happy about that." "Why not? Does he think you outed him?" "I don't know. He said that his folks will figure out why he was attacked." "Did you tell him that you didn't tell them?" "Yes, I did. I just told him that they suggested I call cause they weren't sure, and that I just told them that he was in the hospital and he had been attacked. I didn't mention anything about what I thought or how he ended up there. But he thinks that his folks will figure it out. He decided to get some more sleep, so I got ready to leave. I went to give him a kiss goodbye and he wouldn't kiss me. He pulled away from me." I pause for a second. "So big brother, did I screw it up?" Bastian doesn't say anything for a few seconds either. "No, I don't think you did kiddo. He's upset, and that's understandable." "But why is he upset with me? What did I do?" "I don't think it's so much what you did, J, it's just that you're there and you're a convenient target that's all. Is he out to anyone besides you?" "No. He's out to you, obviously, although he's not told you himself, and I told Derrick and Cam about us." "You did?" "Yeah, I kinda let it slip. But I'll tell you that story another time." "I'll be waiting for it. But to get back to the problem at hand. I think he's just scared. Scared that his folks will find out, or figure it out, or someone will say something about what happened that makes them find out. You know what it's like to be in the closet, to be hiding who and what you are. You did the right thing in calling his folks." "If I did the right thing, then why is he so mad at me?" "Probably cause it's spiraling out of his control. Think of how you'd feel if you didn't call his folks and it was worse then it seemed and he didn't survive." "I'd feel awful." "That's right. He'll come around, Jus, he'll come around. Just give him a few days to think about it. Ok?" "Ok. How did you get to be so smart?" "I've always been smart, plus I think Kev's rubbing off on me." "I miss you Bas." "I know. I miss you too kiddo. Give me a call in a few days and let me know how you made up with Tristan. Or give me a call if something else happens." "I will. Bye." "Buh bye," he says as I end the call. I put the phone back in my pocket as I stand up. I'm very stiff and I'm chilled to the bone. I guess I should have waited until I got back to the dorm room to call Bastian. Or at least somewhere warm. I head off toward the dining hall to get something warm to drink before heading back to my room. * * * "There you are," Jay's voice greets me as I get back to our dorm room. "Oh, hi Jay. You're back early." "Yeah, Monica and I had a big fight so I came back. Got in about two this morning. Was surprised to see your stuff here, but not you. Where have you been?" I shut the door behind me and take off my sweatshirt. The dorm room is very warm and I know I'm going to be too hot with it on. "I was at the hospital." "What's wrong? You sick?" "No, I'm fine. Tristan was beaten up. He's in the hospital." "Oh my god. What happened?" "I'm not really sure, a mugging maybe." "Is he going to be ok?" "I think so. That's what I gathered from overhearing the doctors and nurses talk." "Where did this happen?" "Somewhere around here I guess. I'm not to sure," I reply. I don't really want to talk about this anymore. I'm afraid I'll say something I shouldn't. "So what happened with you and Monica?" He gets up off the bed and throws away the piece of paper that he was holding. "I don't know exactly. We were at her parents house and everything seemed to be going great. Her folks are really nice and they seemed to like me and I liked them. We went out to a movie Friday night and it was rather erotic and all that. I was in the mood, you know? Besides, it had been a few days since we did anything. So we get back to her folks place and she gets all prudish on me. During the movie she's feeling me up, making me all horny and hard and shit and then we get home and she doesn't want to do anything. Next thing I know she's yelling and I'm yelling and I decide that I don't want to fight anymore so I tell her I'm going back to school. It took me forever but I got back finally. I had to take a few cabs and a few busses but I finally got in around two." "Wow, that's too bad. Do you think you'll still be able make up with her?" "I don't know. And I'm not sure I want to. I want something new, something fresh." I'm not sure what I should say to that so I don't say anything. I let out a pretty big yawn. "I'm kinda tired. I'm gonna try to get some sleep before I go back to studying." I undo my jeans and they drop to the floor. "Ok, I'm gonna head over to the library anyway. Sleep well, little brother." I grab my crotch. "Who you calling little?" Jayson chuckles as he heads out the door. "In your dreams bud, in your dreams." I crawl under the blankets and it doesn't take long for sleep to claim me. * * * Following Bastian's advice, I spend the next several days thinking about Tristan but not attempting to contact him. We don't have any classes together so I wouldn't have seen him anyway. Finally Thursday I decide to call his cell phone and talk to him. I get his voice mail and leave a message. Friday afternoon comes around and I've still not had a call back from him. I try his cell phone again and still get his voice mail. I finally decide that it's stupid to not try to see him, so I head down the hall to his dorm room and knock. "Yeah?" Tom answers the door. "Hey Tom, is your roommate in?" "Oh hi Justyn. No, he's not. Didn't he tell you?" "Tell me what?" "He withdrew from school yesterday. He packed up his stuff and left. I figured he would have let you know." "No, I guess it slipped his mind. Ok, thanks." "No problem." He closes his door. ‘What the fuck?' I think to myself as I head back to the room. Why would he withdraw? Why would he not tell me? I get back to our room and grab the phone and dial. "He's gone," I say after the phone is answered. "What? Who's gone?" "Tristan. He's gone Bas, he just up and withdrew from school yesterday." "Oh Jus, I'm sorry. I take it he didn't tell you?" "No, he didn't. His roommate did. I just went over there to talk to him. I called him yesterday and left him a message and he never called me back." "Do you have any other way of contacting him?" Before I can answer the dorm room door flies opens and Jayson comes in. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" he yells at me. "Tell you what?" "That Tristan is a fucking fag." |