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The Cost of Living Jeff pulled the covers over his head. The sunlight was awfully bright this morning. "Uuggghhh," he moaned and rolled over. He was content to spend the morning in bed. He closed his eyes to fall back asleep when he remembered. "Oh shit," he said and threw the covers off the bed. He glanced at the clock and blinked a couple of times to get the sleep out of his eyes. "Damn, I'm late." He grabbed his towel and headed into the bathroom. Ten minutes later he pulled out of his driveway and headed off toward his destination. Turning on the radio the music of a song filled the cabin. Things we never said come together 'Cause I never thought I'd lose Turning left onto Main Street he passed the Town Hall and headed toward the restaurant. Five minutes later he pulled into the shopping center and parked his car. Walking into the restaurant Jeff scanned the other patrons. The numerous booths and stools were filled with a variety of people. The wall paper was filled with a myriad of flowers. Sitting in a booth at the back was the person he was looking for. He walked briskly toward the cubicle and the person sitting there. "Kevyn?" Jeff said walking up to the booth he wanted. The person in the booth looked up and smiled. "Jeff! It's great to see you!" Kevyn jumped up and extended his hand. "How have you been?" Jeff extended his hand. "Great, how about you?" He put his hand into Kevyn's and shook vigorously. "Oh hell, come here," he said pulling Kevyn into a quick hug. "It's been five years." They separated after a couple of seconds and sat down. "Coffee?" The waitress asked coming up to the table. "Yeah," Jeff replied. "Another hot chocolate?" She turned to Kevyn. "Yeah, thanks." Kevyn answered as she walked away to fill their order. "You come here often?" "Yeah, couple of times a month with Kathy. They have good breakfasts and everyone seems to come here." "This is the first time I've been here in five years," Kevyn replied. "It hasn't changed much inside." "Nah, it never does. Some things never change." "Yeah, that's true. So how have you been?" "Good. I've been good. Got my own radio show and I've been dating Kathy for the past couple of years. Things are going well. I bought a house last summer." "That's cool. Yeah, you've written me about Kathy. It's great that you guys are still going out. You gonna marry her?" "Probably. We've talked about it a little. Maybe next year. Will you be my best man?" "I would be honored. That would be awesome." Kevyn replied watching the waitress put the coffee and hot chocolate down on the table. "Do you guys know what you want for breakfast?" She asked getting out her pad. "I'll have the blueberry pancakes and a side of bacon. And a large orange juice." Jeff answered looking at her. "And I'll have the french toast and a side of homefries." Kevyn said when she finished writing Jeff's order. "Anything to drink for you?" She asked. "Just water, thanks." "Very good." She put her pen away and walked toward the grill. "So what have you been up to since you got out of college? I haven't seen you in a while," Jeff asked. "Oh I know. I've been so busy. I got a job out of college. It was the place I was working while I was in school." Kevyn replied sipping some of his hot chocolate. The waitress returned and put down Jeff's orange juice and Kevyn's water. "How's that working out?" "Pretty good. I've made several trips to different parts of the world." "Yeah, you mentioned something about that in your letters." "But I do hate to fly. You should see me. I sit there in my seat the whole time and keep my seat belt on." "You dating anyone?" "Yeah, I've been going out with someone for a few years now. Since I was a junior in college." "Really? You never mentioned her." "Oh?" Kevyn looked around the restaurant. "I guess it must of slipped my mind." Most of the people at the other booths had changed. He pulled back as the waitress brought their food over. "Can I get you anything else?" She asked as she put the food down. "I think we're all set," Jeff replied. She turned and walked away. Jeff and Kevyn dug into their food and proceeded to eat. After eating for a minute or two Jeff started talking again. "I ran into Sally the other day. She was home for her mother's birthday or something like that. She was asking about you." "Um..." Kevyn mumbled with food in his mouth. Jeff swallowed a mouthful of his pancakes. "I still can't believe you two broke up. You were like the perfect couple. Everyone was so envious of you guys. Especially me." Kevyn took another bite and didn't say anything. "But she's married now. Someone she met at school. She's a couple of months pregnant with her first child and living in Maine. She still looks as good as she did in school." Jeff gulped some orange juice. "I can't wait for you to meet Kathy. I think you'll like her. But you better not try to steal her away from me." 'I seriously doubt that will happen,' Kevyn thought to himself. He smiled at Jeff. "I'll try, but I won't promise anything." "Good. Mom and dad are doing well. Mom's been volunteering at the library a couple of times a week and Dad's business is doing good. It keeps him busy and out of mom's hair during the day. I run into your parents a couple of times a month. They're still doing good I see." "Yeah," Kevyn answered. He drank some of his water. Jeff put down his fork. "Kev?" Kevyn looked up. "Yeah?" "You ok? You suddenly seem out of it." "Yeah, I'm fine. I've just got a lot of things on my mind, that's all." "It's got to be something major Kev. I've never seen you this preoccupied before. You wanna talk about it?" "Nah." "Kevyn, this is me your talking to here. We've known each other since we were only minutes old. We have no secrets." 'That's what you think,' Kevyn thought. "This is true." "Tell me what's the matter." "I've just got some stuff on my mind that's all. I'll be ok." "You sure?" "Yeah." Kevyn finished off his french toast. "I don't feel like talking about it right now." 'I'm not sure I can do this anymore.' Jeff swallowed the last of his orange juice and pushed his plate away. "Ok, but if you want to let me know?" "Of course. You'll be the first to know." Kevyn replied getting up. He grabbed the check. "No, allow me," Jeff said grabbing it out of Kevyn's hands. "I was the one who asked you to breakfast." "But I insist." "Ok," Kevyn answered letting the check go. They walked up to the front to the register. Jeff handed the check to the waitress and the money. "Have a good day," she said as she handed Jeff his change. "Thanks, you too," Jeff replied. Kevyn and Jeff went out the door. "So what do you want to do today?" "I don't care." Kevyn answered. "What do you want to do?" "I don't know. We haven't seen each other in almost five years, we should be able to think of something." 'I've got to tell him. I owe him that much.' "Can we go somewhere to talk?" "Sure. What's the problem?" Jeff asked as they headed toward his car. "I don't want to talk about it here. Do you know of somewhere we can go?" "Yeah, we can go to my house. You wanna leave your car here and we can go in my car or do you want to go in separate cars?" "Let me take my car so you don't have to drop me back here later. Actually I should say my mother's car. I don't have one here." "Ok, just follow me home. I'm only like five minutes from here." Jeff pulled out his keys and put them in his door lock. "Alright, I'm parked over there. I'll follow you." Jeff pulled his door open as Kevyn headed toward his car. 'I wonder what's eating him? I've never seen him so preoccupied before. I hope everything is ok.' The engine roared to life as Jeff turned the key. He pulled out into the parking lot and waited. A couple of seconds later a blue station wagon pulled up behind Jeff and flashed it's headlights. Jeff put the car back into first and stepped on the gas. Five minutes later Jeff turned into his driveway and shut off his car. Kevyn pulled in behind him and did the same. Jeff stepped out of his car and shut the door. "New car?" Kevyn asked getting out of his mother's. "Nah, I got it last year." "I like it. It's better than this thing." "Yeah, I like it too. It's really fast. When I step on the gas it moves. Unlike my other which had to write home to the factory to find out if it could move." Kevyn laughed. "That's cool. You'll have to let me try it sometime. I'm still driving the car I got while I was in college. It's got enough pickup so I don't get old while accelerating." They headed up the stairs to the deck off of Jeff's house. "Nice house." "Thanks. I looked at a lot of them before I found this one. It's not too far from work and it's in a nice neighborhood. It's still missing a lot of furniture. I haven't bought much since it is so expensive!" "Oh, I know what you mean. I was pricing bedroom furniture last year when I decided to get a bigger bed and I couldn't believe how expensive some stuff can be!" "Tell me about it. I was looking for a nice dining room set. You know, the usual stuff, table, chairs, buffet table and a china cabinet if possible, and some of the stuff cost almost five grand! That was almost half of what I paid for my car!" Jeff opened the back door and the two men entered the kitchen. Kevyn looked around. The cabinets were done in a brown nondescript wood. There was a counter top stove opposite the door and a microwave next to it and the refrigerator. The oven was set in the wall beside the door. A butcher block table was placed in the center of the eat-in area of the kitchen. A door led off into what looked like a family room, at least from Kevyn's position. A short hallway was next to that doorway and a door to either a bathroom or the stairs down to the basement were next to them. "Very nice looking. It's definitely better then some of the places I been looking at." "So have you decided which house?" "Nah, I'm gonna wait a little longer. I'm pretty happy where I am now. It's not that bad, but it isn't as good as owning my own place. So you gonna show me the rest of the place?" "Sure, follow me." Jeff headed off toward the family room. Each room they visited was painted the same color, a pale gray and an off-white colored trim. The family room had a couch and a chair facing toward the television set and a couple of end tables with lamps on them. The living room was sparse with only a chair and a single lamp. "In here," Jeff started saying as they entered. "I'm going to put the dining set in the back of the room and have my living room set up front here and make it like two rooms." "That's cool." Kevyn answered. They headed up stairs and spent a little time in each of the three bedrooms. The rooms upstairs were painted the same color as the rooms on the level below. "Do you want something to drink?" Jeff asked as they headed back downstairs. "A glass of water is fine, thanks." Kevyn answered absent-mindedly. They came back into the kitchen and Jeff went to get Kevyn a glass of water. Kevyn sat down on one of the stools at the table. "So what did you want to talk to me about?" Jeff asked as he filled the glass. "I...I don't really know how to begin." Kevyn started, studdering as he spoke. "Why? That's not like you. You've never had trouble talking before. What's the matter?" Jeff handed Kevyn the glass. "You dying?" Jeff chuckled. Kevyn didn't say anything. "That's it isn't it?" Kevyn nodded. "What do you have?" Jeff asked pulling up a stool to sit next to his best friend. "Cancer? Some fatal disease that they haven't found a cure for yet?" Kevyn nodded. "What?" Kevyn just sat there staring off into space. 'I can't do this. You've got to. You've known him your whole life. He's your best friend. You have to tell him. But I can't! I can't have him reject me. Him of all people. You have to tell him. You've got to tell him.' "Kev? Kevyn?" Jeff called. "You in there?" "Yeah, I'm here. Sorry, I was just thinking." "That's ok. So what do you have?" "This is really hard for me Jeff." Kevyn paused. "I'm HIV positive." Jeff breath caught in his throat. "Have you told your parents?" "Yeah, I told them last night." "How'd they take it?" "They were devastated of course. To find out that their only child has AIDS." "Does your girlfriend know?" "I don't have a girlfriend." "I thought you said at breakfast that you were dating someone." "Yeah." "So wait a minute. Let me see if I understand this. You got AIDS through unprotected sex, but you don't have a girlfriend. An ex-girlfriend maybe?" "No," Kevyn replied quietly. "Well, you don't do drugs, and haven't gotten a blood transfusion in your life. What else could there be?" Jeff said continuing. "What do you think is left?" Jeff thought for a couple of seconds then stood up and backed away. "You don't mean..." "Yeah." "Not you. I've known you your whole life. It's not possible." "Believe it Jeff, it's true." "No." "Yes," Kevyn stood up. "I'm gay." Jeff backed away toward the counter, the shock and disbelief showing in his eyes. He didn't say anything. "You don't have to back away Jeff. You can't catch it from standing near me. It's not like a cold." "I can't believe it. You're a fucking fag. Why didn't you tell me? How could you do this to me?" Kevyn stared at the hands folded in his lap as though he hoped to find the words he wanted to say written there. "Do what to you? I haven't done anything to you Jeff. I'm the one who is dying, not you. Why can't you just accept it?" "What do you want me to say? That I understand? That it's no big deal?" Jeff answered not looking at Kevyn. "That's a start," Kevyn replied sitting back down on one of the stools in the kitchen/dining area. "It would make everything a lot easier." Jeff turned around. "Well, I'm sorry. I can't do that. To suddenly find out that my best friend is a fag. All those years of being lied to." Kevyn paused. A myriad of thoughts running through his mind. "I didn't lie to you Jeff," he said finally, quietly. "Oh and what would you call it?" Kevyn raised his head. "YOU NEVER ASKED!" "What would you have said to me if I did? Huh?" Kevyn said nothing. "I sort of figured that you would tell me something as major as that. You're supposed to be my best friend!" "I am your best friend Jeff," Kevyn said. "What was I supposed to do? What did you want me to say? What was I supposed to say? 'How did you do on your English test, and by the way, I'm gay?'" "You could have." "Don't you think I wanted to? Having to live my life like I did? I just couldn't!" "Why not?" "Because of the way you were in high school." "What do you mean, the way I was in high school?" "Don't play dumb with me Jeffrey. I remember the way you acted, the names you called gays. You'd talk about the fags and the queers and the queens. And then, when it was discovered that one of our classmates was gay, you tormented him to no end! I remember all the name calling, how you got everybody to ignore him, to ostracize him! How you would call him a fairy!" He paused. "I was afraid." "Afraid of what?" "Afraid of losing you as a friend. Of having you do the same thing to me." "I wouldn't have done that." "Oh? How can you be certain? Hindsight is a wonderful thing Jeff. It can make things seem different. Sure, you could say now that you wouldn't have acted different, but you can't be sure of that." "WHAT?" Jeff yelled, the full realization of what Kevyn had been saying suddenly hitting him. "No, you can't be! But how? When? Why? What happened?" "I was stupid that's what. I was stupid, and I'm gonna pay for it with my life." "Stupid? How?" "I was just stupid. I don't want to discuss the particulars. They don't give me happy thoughts." "You can tell me Kev." "Look, Jeff. I don't want to talk about how." But Jeff wouldn't stop. "Com'on Kev, let me know. I promise I won't tell anyone. It can't be that bad." "I WAS RAPED!" Kevyn exploded. "YOU HAPPY NOW?" Jeff stood there in stunned silence. Kevyn stopped looking at Jeff and turned to look out the window. "But..." Jeff started to say, a little unsure of himself. "...You're a guy," he finally finished. "No shit Sherlock, " Kevyn answered sarcastically. "Did you just figure that out or did someone help you?" "But guys can't be raped." "Oh yes they can. Rape isn't just a guy forcing a woman to have sex with him. It could be a woman forcing a guy to have sex with her, a woman forcing another woman to have sex with her or a guy forcing another guy." Jeff continued to look at Kevyn in disbelief. "How did this happen?" "I told you, I was stupid. My car broke down on my way back from spring break junior year in college. I was walking to get to a phone to call a tow truck and some guy offered me a lift. I know I shouldn't have but it was hot and I had been walking for a long time. I got in the car and a few minutes later he pulled over and raped me." "Couldn't you stop him?" "Don't you think I tried? I tried everything but I couldn't stop him. He was stronger than me, bigger than me. He raped me and then raped me again. Then he left me by the side of the road and took off." "Why didn't you ever tell me?" "I never told anyone, Jeff, other than my boyfriend." "But why? Why wouldn't you tell me Kev? I'm your best friend!" "Cause it isn't something I like to think about. And it would have caused to many questions, too many problems. It would have to brought up my gender orientation more than likely and I wasn't ready to discuss that yet." Kevyn paused. "It took me a long time before I could be around guys again. After that I started working out in the gym at school and built up my muscles. I took karate lessons and a bunch of other things." "And this is how you got it? You sure?" "Yeah, I'm sure. I couldn't have gotten it any other way Jeff. I don't do drugs and I haven't had any blood transfusions in my life." "I just can't believe it. My best friend is a fairy." "Well believe it." "Are you sure? Maybe it's just a phase." "Yeah, I'm sure. This isn't like the times we went to the mall and couldn't decide if we wanted to buy something." Kevyn paused and looked at Jeff. Jeff stood there looking disgusted. "This isn't a phase, Jeff," he said quietly. The room was draped in silence for several minutes. Jeff wouldn't look at Kevyn and Kevyn couldn't look at Jeff. "Jeff, say something," Kevyn finally spoke. "Anything." "What do you want me to say Kev? What do you want me to do?" Jeff replied. "What do you want from me?" "I don't know Jeff. Just be my best friend." "Do you want me to pity you? To feel sorry for you?" "No. I don't need or want your pity Jeff. I don't want you feel sorry for me. It's not you who should feel sorry." "Are you saying that you feel sorry for yourself?" "Yeah, I feel sorry for myself. Why shouldn't I? Because of one stupid little mistake my life is being cut short. Because of one stupid mistake my life as I know it is over. There was so much I wanted to do but now I can't. This isn't like I committed some crime and am going to jail for a few years then will be released. I'm dying Jeff, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I don't know how long I got. I could have years, I could have months. Nobody knows." "You don't know that there's nothing you can't do. They may find a cure." "Yeah, right. And I might be able to walk on water too. It's not going to happen Jeff. The amount of money that the government spends on AIDS research is pitiful! It is disgusting! We spend more on defense then we do on fighting this disease! We're not going to see a cure in my shortened lifetime. Yeah, they may come up with some drugs that help lessen it but nothing that will cure it. "The dying I've become used to. That doesn't scare me anymore. What does scare me is losing all my friends. Not having anyone. Spending my final days in a hospital room with no one to come visit me. Dying alone. That's what scares me the most." "You always have your parents. How do they feel about this? And didn't you say you were dating someone?" "Yeah, my parents. They probably would come, but not that often. My father wasn't too happy to hear that I was gay. Being his only son and all. My mother was ok, she cried a lot." Kevyn took a deep breath. "Yeah, I'm dating someone. We've been dating since college. I don't' know what he'll do. He may hang around or he may split when things get really bad. I would like him to hang around but I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. But you're the person I'd really like to have come visit me." "Why me?" "Because you know me Jeff. You know me better than anyone knows me. Better than I know myself. You're my best friend and it would mean a lot to me." "I thought I knew you, but..." "Yeah, you didn't know this. Well, this is the only thing I have ever kept from you. It's part of who I am, but not a major part. We can get past this." "Why should we? Maybe this will be the thing that drives us apart forever! Did you ever think of that?" "Yeah I thought of it! Believe me, it's been on my mind every minute since I found out that I have this disease! I wasn't sure what you would say, what you would do when I told you. Now I guess I know. I was hoping that it would be no big deal, that you wouldn't have a problem with it. I guess I was wrong." "So what are you saying? Are you saying that you wouldn't have told me that you're a fag if you hadn't gotten this disease?" Kevyn said nothing. "How can you expect me to take this as though it was no big deal when the only reason you told me you were gay was because of the fact that you are now dying?" "Well how would you feel if I hadn't told you and then just died? What would you say then? How would you feel then huh? Yeah, maybe I should have told you sooner that I am gay, but I wasn't sure how you'd react!" Kevyn replied defensively. "But I know now." Jeff didn't say anything. "I was hoping, hoping more than anything in the world that my tests were a false positive. That when I got tested again in six months that they would come out negative. Well they didn't. One stupid little mistake. Don't you think that I haven't thought this through? It's all that's been on my mind. Every waking moment, every free second. Every dream I have. It's all I think about. I've gone over in my mind a million times about how I was going to tell you. Sometimes, in my mind, it didn't bother you and it didn't change how you feel about me, about our friendship, and then other times, when I'm wicked depressed I dream and think about you hating me for what I am, for something that I have no control over. That you never want to see me again. That you feel betrayed because I didn't tell you until now. It's all I think about. You've always been the most important thing in my life Jeff! You were there for me when no one else was. You would always listen to me when I had something to say, you wouldn't ignore me like the other guys in school. You'd always make sure that I was safe and sound, that I had someone to be with." Jeff continued to look away. He couldn't bring himself to look at Kevyn. "I loved you for that Jeff. You were my hero, my role model. I wanted to be like you so bad. To me you were perfect! You were my best friend growing up, and the brother that I never had, that I always wanted! You meant so much more to me than you can possibly ever know or understand, Jeff. I don't want us to end our friendship over this. Yes, it is a big shock to suddenly discover your best friend is gay. But what about us? What about the friendship we spent a lifetime building? Isn't that worth more?" Kevyn sat quietly on the stool at the table. Jeff didn't say anything for a long time. "What about your boyfriend?" Jeff asked finally. "What about him?" "Is he infected?" "No, not currently. We've always been careful, especially since this happened before I met him. We've done everything as safe as possible. Granted, there is always a chance that he will get something, nothing, especially "safe" sex is 100% guaranteed. But so far, he's been negative on all his tests." "I just don't know Kevyn. This is just so much so suddenly. I still can't believe you lied to me. That you didn't tell me." "I lied to you? I didn't lie to you, it wasn't something that you ever asked about! The only person I lied to was myself, Jeff!" "What do you mean, lied to yourself? How could you lie to yourself?" "Oh I lied to myself alright. All through high school I lied to myself. Told myself that I was just a late bloomer in liking girls. That someday I would like them. Hell, I even went out with them to see if I could get myself to start liking them sooner, but it never happened." "But you and Sally..." "Yeah, Sally and I fooled around. But it still didn't feel right. It was around this time that I realized that I wasn't going to start liking girls, Jeff. And it scared me to death!" He dropped his head and stared into his lap. "More than anything in the world, I didn't want to be this way! I wanted to be like everyone else." "So why don't you be like everyone else? Why don't you just decide to like girls." Kevyn's head shot up. "Don't tell me you believe that bullshit. I have no more choice in liking guys than you do in liking girls! It's not something I can turn on or turn off Jeff. It's my genetic makeup. I am sexually attracted to guys and you are sexually attracted to girls," Kevyn paused for a minute. "I don't want to lose you Jeff. I couldn't handle that. You mean too much to me." "I don't know Kev," Jeff sighed. "It's a lot to think about, a lot to have happen." "What are you saying Jeff? Are you saying that you don't want to be friends with me?" "I don't know Kev, I just don't know. " "Please Jeff," Kevyn said, his eyes becoming moist. "Please don't. Not now, I need you." Jeff shuddered. "I just thought of that time the summer after our sophomore year, the summer we..." "Yeah, so?" "And all the times in the locker room you saw me naked." Jeff shuddered again. "Yeah so?" Kevyn said again. "Jeff, what we did that summer, that wasn't anything gay, it wasn't anything straight. Lots of boys do that during puberty. It's part of growing up. It doesn't mean you are gay Jeff. You're not gay." "But you are." "I was before that Jeff," Kevyn sighed. "I knew long before that." "So you planned the whole thing? That's gross! I ought to punch your lights out!" Jeff came up threatening to Kevyn. "You fucking faggot!" "Jeff," Kevyn backed away. "I didn't plan it! Honest!" "Com'on fight. Defend yourself faggot," Jeff shot back. Kevyn still didn't put up his hands. He stopped moving back. "I won't fight you Jeff," he said calmly. "What's the matter faggot? Afraid? Aren't you a real man?" Jeff taunted as he swung at Kevyn. Kevyn didn't move. Jeff's right fist connected with Kevyn's face, full force. True to his word Kevyn didn't fight back. Didn't offer any resistance. The force of Jeff's punch knocked Kevyn off the stool he was sitting on. Kevyn laid on the floor stunned. He wiped off the blood off of his lips with the back of his hand. "That make you feel like a real man? Hitting someone who offered no resistance?" Kevyn asked sarcastically. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!" Jeff screamed at Kevyn. Kevyn got up slowly, his eye sore and starting to close. Tears coming to his eyes. "Jeff..." he started. "GET THE FUCK OUT!" Jeff screamed again. He turned around and wouldn't face Kevyn as he walked out the back door. "Have a nice life," Kevyn said as he shut the door. * * * Kevyn drove slowly home, the tears flowing freely down his face. He couldn't believe what had happened. He had worried about this day, the day that he told his best friend that he was gay, but even in all his worries, he never thought that Jeff would hit him. "THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Kevyn screamed out loud and punched the steering wheel of the car. "THAT GODDAMNED FUCKING ASSHOLE!" He arrived home ten minutes later and parked the car beside his father's sedan and headed inside. He tossed the keys on the table as he entered. His tears drying up, his anger continuing. "Kevyn?" He heard his mother call. "You're back early." "Yeah," Kevyn replied. "How'd it go with Jeff?" His mother asked as she entered the kitchen. "What happened?" "I told him," he replied opening the freezer to get some ice. His eye was really swollen and was starting to throb. "He wasn't pleased." "Oh Kev," his mother said coming over to him. She turned his face toward her, and looked at his growing black eye. "I'm so sorry." "Yeah, me too." "Put some ice on it. You're gonna have a hell of a black eye later." "Tell me about it," Kevyn replied pulling the ice tray out of the freezer. He cracked it and pulled out a couple of cubes. He handed the tray to his mother who put it back into the freezer. Kevyn took out a plastic baggie and put the ice in it. He put the bag of ice on his eye. "If you'll excuse me, I have to call Bastian. I gotta talk to him." "Keep the ice on it a while to help the swelling." "Thanks mom," Kevyn said pulling her into a hug. "I love you." "I love you too." * * * Kevyn plopped down on his old bed and stared at the ceiling. 'Oh Jeff,' he thought to himself. 'I didn't plan any of the stuff that went on. You have to believe me.' He thought about the stuff that he and Jeff had done as they grew up. 'Yeah, I loved it when it happened, and always hoped that it would, but I didn't plan it. You wanted to do it as much as I did. You didn't stop it. I just wish I could make you see that.' He closed his good eye for a couple of minutes and rested. * * * Several hours later Kevyn awoke. He had fallen asleep. The ice bag, which had been on his face, was now sitting on the bed next to him, the ice long since melted. He felt his eye carefully. It was still swollen and painful to touch. He moved the water bag and put it on the night stand next to the bed. He grabbed the phone off the stand and picked up the receiver. He dialed his apartment number. 'Please be home Bastian,' he thought as the phone rang. "Hello?" the voice came through after the third ring. "Hi," Kevyn answered halfheartedly. "How you doing?" "Ok." Small pause. "I miss you." "I miss you too." "How'd things go with Jeff?" "Well, I have a black eye for my troubles. That sum it up pretty well?" "Oh Kev, I'm sorry." "Thanks, Bas. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn't think that it would actually come to this. I never figured that he would hit me. Not him." "But you told him." "Yeah, I told him everything. How I got it, everything." "And he punched you for that?" "No, not for that. He seemed like he understood. Didn't like it, but understood. It wasn't until he remembered what we had done together in high school, all the times we were naked in the locker room. That is when he hit me. He thinks I planned it all. He thinks that I did that stuff because of the fact that I am gay. He probably also feels that I raped him." "But you didn't do anything major. Hell, I did that stuff with my best friend in high school." "I know that I didn't do it on purpose, and you know that, but Jeff doesn't know that, or doesn't want to accept that he was just as willing as I was. I'm not sorry that it happened and I would do it again if I had the chance but I didn't plan it." "What did your parent's say when you told them?" "Well, they took it a lot better then Jeff did. My father doesn't like it, but he'll come around. He'll accept it eventually. If he wants to be part of my life, he has to. My mother cried. But she cries at almost anything." "You still coming home tomorrow?" "Yeah. I might try to get an earlier flight. Not much sense me hanging around here. Jeff was the main reason I came back. Haven't seen him in five years, not since my college graduation." "How long you two known each other?" "Twenty-eight years. All our lives. We were born minutes apart, to different parents of course, but still." "I don't know what to say Kev. I wish I did. Marc wasn't anything like this when I told him." "Yeah, but you were in high school when you came out. He's known since you were seventeen. Jeff never knew. I didn't tell him. Maybe I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to do it." "It's too late to do anything about that now. What's done is done. Either he's going to come around and realize that you are more important than your gender preference or he isn't and nothing you say or do is going to change it." "You're pretty smart for a twenty-five year old, you know that." "I had a good teacher." "Look, I gotta get going. We'll be having dinner in a few minutes. You still gonna pick me up at the airport?" "Yeah, let me know what time." "As of right now, same time as on my travel sheet there on the fridge. I'll call you if I change my flight." "Ok, I'll see you then. I love you, Kev." "I love you too Bas," Kevyn replied. "I'll talk to you later. Bye." "Bye." Kevyn returned the hand set to the cradle and stood up. He grabbed the bag of water and headed into the bathroom. * * * "What happened to you?" Kevyn's father asked as Kevyn entered the dinning room. "Shaving accident," Kevyn replied. "Kev," his father said. "What happened?" "I told Jeff," Kevyn answered. "He wasn't pleased." "What's he look like?" "What do you mean?" "How's his eye? Did you give him a good shiner?" "No, I didn't. I didn't lay a hand on him." "You mean you just let him punch you?" "Yes." "What kind of wimp are you?" "Ralph," Kevyn's mother said speaking for the first time since Kevyn entered the room. "Quiet June," Ralph replied. "If someone was to come after me, I would defend myself. Hit them back." "Well I didn't Dad," Kevyn answered, anger creeping into his voice. "Violence doesn't solve anything. Besides, I can't and won't hit Jeff. Not him." "What? Did I raise a wimpy faggy son?" Kevyn slammed his fork down. "I don't have to listen to this shit. If you don't like the fact that I'm gay, dad, then fine, don't like it. Just don't plan on being part of my life until you can accept it." He got up and left the room. "Ralph," June said after Kevyn left, the hurt and anger that she felt toward her husband coming into her voice. "How dare you talk to your son that way? He's our only child. It took him a lot courage to tell us he was gay." She also got up, took Kevyn's plate and eating utensils and left the room. Ralph watched her leave then continued to eat. * * * KNOCK-KNOCK. "Kevyn?" June called. "Can I come in?" "Yeah," came the muffled reply. "I brought your dinner," she said coming into the room. "Thanks, I'll get it later," Kevyn answered, not turning around. He was staring out the window at the lawn. "I want to be alone for a while." "I'll put it down here," his mother replied placing the plate down on the bureau by the door. She left the room and pulled the door shut behind her. Kevyn still didn't turn around. He continued to look out the window at the lawn, the trees. The daylight hours had long since been replaced by nighttime's darkness, but he didn't care. The tears flowed freely down his cheeks, unchecked, unhindered. He stared out the window for a long time, not really thinking of anything, just attempting to keep his mind clear of everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours. And a lot had happened. As much as he tried, he couldn't keep the thoughts out of his mind. His parent's faces when he told them he was gay. The look on their faces when he told them that their only son was HIV positive. The face that he kept coming back to was Jeff's. Even what had happened between them that day, Kevyn couldn't stop thinking about him, seeing his face. He punched the wall next to the window. Punched it again, and again. He was angry. Angry at Jeff for hitting him, for not accepting him, but also angry at himself for not telling Jeff sooner. If he could only turn the clock back to high school. But would he? Could he? Would he really have told Jeff the truth? Could he have told him? Jeff knows what they had done in high school. Kevyn wouldn't change that for anything in the world. It wasn't anything like Jeff remembered it. It was just two boys exploring the changes in their bodies. Yes, he enjoyed what had happened and wished it had continued, but it couldn't have continued. True, he was gay, but Jeff wasn't. What he told Jeff was true, he hadn't planned it. He had hoped for it, but didn't plan it. He wouldn't do something like that to Jeff, couldn't do something like that to him. They had done everything together. Jeff was his best friend, the brother he never had. They had celebrated every birthday together. Gone to summer camp together, gone on double dates together. Of course, Jeff was the only one really enjoying those dates of the two of them, but Kevyn couldn't let on. He couldn't have let Jeff know. The events of the morning with Jeff kept racing through his mind as well. As much as he didn't want to think about it, he couldn't help it. In the period of twenty-four hours, he had lost his best friend, and alienated his father. His father he could accept. He was never close to his father. His father was more physical then Kevyn ever was. Kevyn was more interested in his books and his models and his father was more interested in the sports and the hunts. He got along better with his mother than his father. But Jeff. Jeff. Jeff had accepted him as he was. No questions asked, no assumptions as to what he should be or what he wanted him to be. Jeff had gone out for the teams, and Kevyn hadn't. Kevyn had gone to all the games and most of the practices because of Jeff. Jeff was his best friend. Kevyn would do anything for him. Even now. Even after what had happened, he still cared for Jeff. Jeff was a major part of who he was and it wasn't something that he could give up, or wanted to give up that easily. It wasn't like throwing out a day old newspaper, or the garbage left over from the morning meal. It was more like the favorite sweatshirt that you wear even after it was worn through. You just couldn't give it up that easily. His dinner sat on the bureau untouched. He wasn't hungry anyway and by now, it was cold. He had stopped noticing the smell a long time ago. He stared out the window for a long time, trying to figure out what he could have done differently, what he should of done differently. But he couldn't come up with anything. He had done everything like he should have. Finally he pulled away from the window and turned to face into the room. The room that he had grown up in. The room where he and Jeff had a lot of sleep overs. It didn't have all the posters on the wall that it had when he was a kid, but that, like everything else changed. He grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head. He tossed it at the bag of clothes he had brought with him. Watching the shirt pass through the air he caught a look at himself in the mirror. The muscles in his chest and arms rippling from the movements. To look at him now, today, you wouldn't know that he had been a skinny bookwormish kid growing up. He had changed a lot during college, especially Junior year. He had started pumping iron as soon as he got back from spring break. Spent several hours in the gym everyday working out some different part of his body, making himself stronger. After what that guy had done to him, he was determined to be able to defend himself better. To do that he needed some muscles, and some better moves too. That fall, he enrolled in a karate class given downtown. It was through this class that he had met Bastian. Bastian. The person that was the biggest part of his life, next to Jeff. They practiced their moves for class together and hit it off very quickly. It was soon afterward that they started going out, and as they say, the rest is history. They got an apartment off campus together the following spring. He pulled his jeans off and threw them onto the bag as well. He stretched several times and climbed into bed. He was suddenly very tired. It didn't take long for sleep to claim him that night. * * * Jeff punched him. "Com'on faggot, defend yourself." He punched Kevyn again. "I won't fight you Jeff," Kevyn said. Another punch. "You saw me naked." Another punch. "YOU RAPED ME!" "I didn't Jeff! I didn't plan it!" Another punch. "Honest!" Kevyn's other eye was starting to close. He could feel blood in his mouth. His stomach was tied up in knots. Jeff started punching him in the stomach too, nearly doubling him over. "You saw me naked." Another punch. "YOU RAPED ME!" "Jeff, stop!" Kevyn tried to say, blood and teeth came out of his mouth. "PLEASE!" "YOU RAPED ME!" Jeff screamed again as he threw another punch. Kevyn started screaming. * * * He awoke suddenly, bathed in sweat. He sat up and felt his other eye. It was normal. 'It was just a dream,' he thought. 'It was just a dream.' Yes, only a dream, but a particularly horrible one. He glanced over to the clock radio on the nightstand. The red LED lights shown brightly in the darkened room 2:23. He turned the light on next to the bed and instantly regretted it. He blinked several times as the darkness was chased away by the brightness of the light. Kevyn grabbed the phone from the nightstand after his eyes had finished adjusting to the brightness. He dialed without thinking about it. He knew the number. It rang once, then again. "Hello?" the voice answered groggily during the third ring. "It's Kev," he spoke into the phone. "What do you want?" came back the icy reply. "We need to talk." "There's nothing to talk about." "Jeff," Kevyn pleaded. "Please. I don't want us to end this way. We need to talk. I'm leaving tomorrow. I don't want to leave with you mad at me. Please, let me talk to you." Silence on the other end for a few seconds. "Fine. You want to talk over the phone or what?" "Can I come over? I want to talk in person." "I guess. I'll be up." "I'll be there in a few minutes. Bye." "Bye," Jeff mumbled as he hung up the phone. Kevyn got out of bed and grabbed his jeans and shirt off of his bag and threw them on. The house was quiet and dark, his parents long since retired. He stumbled into the kitchen and threw the light on. The light blinded him temporarily and he blinked to help his eyes adjust. Grabbing the keys of the table he headed out the back door and hopped into his mother's station wagon. Driving over to Jeff's he found himself holding the steering wheel with both hands, tightly. He wasn't sure that he wanted to do this. Jeff had already punched him once, would he do it again? Maybe the only reason that Jeff said Kevyn could come over was because he wanted to beat him up some more. "No, I refuse to believe that," Kevyn spoke to himself out loud. "I won't believe that. Jeff is my best friend. He wouldn't beat me up, not any more than he did already. He was just angry and that was the only way he had of expressing his anger." The streets were deserted, not another car on the road. The night was clear, stars twinkling in the early morning sky not caring about what was happening on this insignificant little planet. It didn't take long to get to Jeff's house. Kevyn slowed down and turned into the driveway. The house was dark. 'Maybe he changed his mind,' Kevyn thought as he pulled down the driveway. As he put the car into neutral, he saw a light coming from the back of the house, the kitchen. Depositing the keys into his pocket as he got out of the car, Kevyn headed up the stairs to the back door. As he came around the deck to the back door he could see Jeff working in the kitchen, making coffee or something. Kevyn knocked on the back door and turned the knob. Locked. Jeff turned around and came over and opened the door. "Sorry," he said walking back to the counter. "I guess I didn't unlock it." "Don't worry about it," Kevyn replied shutting the door behind him. He sat down at one of the stools at the kitchen table and watched Jeff. Jeff didn't look at him, didn't say anything to him. He continued to work on what he was doing at the counter. He had a pot of water boiling on stove. When the water started steaming, indicating it was ready, Jeff asked "would you like some hot chocolate?" "Yeah, that would be great." Jeff took the kettle off of the stove and turned the burner off. He pulled out a couple of mugs from the cabinet and dumped a packet of hot chocolate mix into each one. He poured some water into each and stirred them to mix the powder. "There's milk in the fridge if you want some." "Thanks, this is fine," Kevyn said as Jeff handed him a mug. "So what did you want to talk about?" Jeff asked sitting down at the opposite side of the table. He didn't look directly at Kevyn, instead he stared into his mug of hot chocolate. "About what happened earlier," Kevyn answered quietly. "About what is going to become of us." "Look Kev, I'm sorry about hitting you. I shouldn't have over reacted like that. It's just I was so angry." Jeff didn't look up. "I know Jeff. I know. But I want you to understand something. I didn't plan any of the stuff that happened between us that summer. Yeah, I wanted it to happen and I was so happy when it did, but I didn't plan it. You wanted to do it as much as I did. I couldn't and wouldn't do something like that to you Jeff." "I..." Jeff started. "Please, let me finish," Kevyn said cutting him off. "You mean more to me than anything Jeff. Our friendship has meant so much to me. You've always been there for me, and I want you to always be there for me. I know it's tough to find out that your best friend is gay, but think about how I feel! Think about what it is like for me to have to go through this, to think about what it will be like without you in my life. That's all I've ever thought of since I found out I have this disease. Yeah, I've known I was gay for many many years, before high school, long before we did what we did. Yeah, I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. I was afraid. I was afraid that I would lose you. You, the most important thing in my life. I love you Jeff. But not in the way that you think. I'm in love with Bastian, my boyfriend. But I love you. Love you as a friend. I want to continue to remain friends with you for as long as I got, but if that's not possible, I want to know." "I don't know Kev," Jeff said after a couple of minutes of silence. "I just don't know. This goes against a lot of what I believe in. A lot of what I feel. It made me so happy when you came to the games and the practices. It meant so much to me to see you there. My parents never came as often as you did. You were always there for me too." He stopped, trying to think of what to say. "You are my best friend. You're friendship means a lot to me too. But this, I don't know. I'm sorry that I hit you. I shouldn't have done that. For all I know you still want to sleep with me." He paused for a few seconds. "Do you?" He said finally, quietly. "Yeah," Kevyn replied. "If we're being totally honest here. Yes, I do. I've wanted to make love to you for the longest time Jeff. But not now. Even if I didn't have this disease, I wouldn't. Not because I don't find you attractive, but because I couldn't do that to you. You aren't gay Jeff, you wouldn't enjoy it, or even want it. Besides, I couldn't cheat on Bastian and I won't do it because you are going out with Kathy." Jeff shuddered. The thought of sleeping with another guy sent a shiver through his body. "So where does this leave us?" "I don't know. I want to remain friends with you. Best friends if possible, but that is up to you. I won't force you to be friends with me Jeff. That's something you must do for yourself. Just know that I will always remember you fondly. You've been a part of the best years of my life. Know that I will always love you. Love you as a friend and a brother. I would love to see you in the hospital or hospice or where ever I end up when I'm in the final stages of this disease, but I won't force you. Just know that your friendship, your support, you, mean more to me than anything in the world. Mean more to me than you can ever know or understand. I wish that we could just put this behind us and continue to live our lives. To be the friends that we have always been, but if we can't, then, while I don't have to like it, or want to accept it. I will. I will learn to accept it even though I won't understand." "I don't know Kev. I just don't know. I have to think about it." "Please do. I don't want to lose you Jeff, but I'm afraid that I already have. I'm leaving today. I'd like you to see me off at the airport. I'm not sure when I'll be back. My flight is at 10:30." "I have to think about it Kev. I've got a lot of thinking to do." "I understand." Kevyn stood up and headed for the door. "I don't really, but I don't have any choice. If I don't see you, have a good life and good luck in your marriage to Kathy. Goodnight Jeff," he said as he opened the door and stepped out into the cool night air. "Night Kev," Jeff responded shutting the door. * * * Kevyn walked slowly back to his mother's car. The scenes of the past few minutes re-running through his head. 'I just don't know,' he thought to himself as he was backing out of Jeff's driveway. 'I would like to think that I made him understand. Made him see that I didn't plan on anything happening. But I don't know. I just hope I haven't lost him.' The roads back to his parent's house were just as deserted as when he had left an hour ago to come over to Jeff's. The sky was a little brighter. It was going to be daylight in a few hours. And in twelve hours he would be arriving back in his town. He couldn't wait to see Bastian. * * * Leaving the keys on the table, he made his way back to his old bedroom and for the second time that night, tossed his clothes onto his duffle bag and climbed under the covers. It didn't take long for sleep to claim him again that night. * * * Sitting down on the bed, Jeff's foot kicked the photo album he had pulled out when Kevyn had called him to say he was coming to town for the weekend. He had pulled it out, but hadn't looked at it yet. Putting his jeans and shirt down on the bed, he picked up the photo album and proceeded to flip through it. The history of his and Kevyn's life unfolded with each turn of a page. From the first days in the hospital nursery when they were in bassinets next to each other, born only minutes apart. Each of the pictures that were taken over the years were of the two of them together. People who had seen this photo album thought that they were faternal twins. They couldn't believe that the guys weren't even related. They had been born minutes apart to different families, but had grown up together. Jeff passed pictures of the joint birthday parties, pictures of their first cub scout uniforms, their first dates, the prom and high school graduation. After the high school graduation, the pictures became more sparse. Jeff had gone off to the local community college to study broadcasting and Kevyn had gone to the midwest to study business management. The pictures of their separate college graduations finished out the book. The book had been a gift from Kevyn on their 18th birthday. It had been the best present that anyone had ever given him. He had spent many hours looking at the pictures the first year they were in college. The first time that they had been apart from each other for so long. Kevyn's going away to college had been hard on Jeff. Harder than he let anyone, including himself, know. Sure they talked on the phone and wrote letters, but still, it was tough. The photo album was almost like a crutch to him. As more time passed and as Jeff got used to not always havin Kevyn around, he looked at the photo album less frequently. Now he rarely looked at it at all. Tonight was the first time in a long time, that he had looked at it. He couldn't remember the last time he had looked at it. Jeff continued to stare at the pictures for a long time. Each one envoking a memory of a time he and Kevyn had spent together. The pictures started to blur, became unfocused due to the tears in Jeff's eyes. A tear drop landed on the plastic covering the pictures and started to run down the page. Jeff closed the book finally and put it down on the floor next to the bed. He shut off the light and pulled the covers over his body. But try as he could, he couldn't get to sleep. He shouldn't have looked at the pictures, it was a mistake. Nothing he could do about it now, but he couldn't get them out of his head. Jeff's stomach started turning again, turning when he thought about Kevyn. Not just about what they had done that summer, but everything. Kevyn was his best friend. Someone that meant more to him than anyone, someone he could always talk to, someone he could always be with. But now, now he wasn't so sure. Kevyn having AIDS, that is one thing Jeff could have dealt with, but the fact that he is gay. That threw another set of variables into it. Kevyn was right, he had said lots of things about gays, tormented them, picked on them, harrassed them. He did pick on that kid from their class. It was the way he was raised. It's what he had grown up with. The way his parents had been, the way that his religion had taught him to think about them. If it had been anyone else, that kid in their class, someone at work, someone he saw on the street, anyone but Kevyn, he wouldn't have any problem with his actions, wouldn't have his stomach going ballistic on him. But this was Kevyn, his best friend, his blood brother. He continued to toss and to turn until sleep finally claimed him. * * * The warm smell of breakfast awoke Kevyn the next morning. He glanced over at the clock. It was almost 8. He had to get going if he was going to be getting to the airport. He tossed the covers aside and grabbed a towel and headed off into the bathroom. Ten minutes later he dropped his duffle bag onto the kitchen floor and sat down at the table. His mother was standing over the stove, spatula in one hand, a pot holder in the other. "How many pancakes do you want Kevyn?" She asked. "Three or four," he replied. "I'm hungry this morning." "Three or four, coming up," his mother answered, flipping a couple of pancakes onto the plate next to the stove. When she had finished putting them on the plate she brought the plate over and placed it in front of Kevyn. "Juice?" "Yes, please. That would be wonderful." "You went out last night." "Yeah. Sorry if I woke you." "I couldn't sleep. Where'd you go?" "I went to Jeff's. We talked for a little while." "Your eye looks better. Did you guys make up?" She asked putting the juice down in front of him. "I don't know. I can't tell. He said he needed to think. I asked him to come along with us this morning to the airport. I hope he does." June sat down at the table with a plate of pancakes for herself. "What time do we need to leave?" "Between 8:30 and 8:45. Where's dad?" Kev answered after gulping some orange juice. "He's out hunting. He got up early." "So he's not coming to the airport." "I'm sorry Kevyn." "It doesn't surprise me." "You have to understand Kevyn. This is very hard on your father. He's never dealt with his emotions very well. And this just was too much for him." "Hard on him? What about me?" June didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. They ate the rest of their meal in silence. After helping his mother clear the dishes and clean up from breakfast they got ready to leave. "You have everything?" She asked as they headed out to the car. "Yeah, I think so." "It doesn't look like Jeff is coming with us." "I guess not," Kevyn said, sounding rather depressed. He got in the driver's side of the car and his mother got in the passenger's side and they left for the airport. * * * The trip in was quiet and uneventful. Kevyn and his mother didn't say anything during the trip, each caught up in their own little world. After parking the car in central parking, they entered the terminal and Kevyn stood in line for check in. Check in was a quick ten minutes and Kevyn soon joined his mother in the waiting area outside the gate for his flight. "That was quick," she commented as he slipped into the seat next to her. "Yeah, " he replied. "Not many people traveling this morning I guess." Kevyn looked around the lounge, and looked down the hallway. "You looking for Jeff?" His mother asked. "Yeah. I'm still hoping he'll show up." "I'm sorry Kevyn. I just wish there was something I could do." "Me too. I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have." "You did what you felt was right. He can't fault you for that. If he has trouble accepting that, it is his fault, not yours." Kevyn looked around again. "I know. But I keep thinking that there was some better way I could have told him. That maybe I should have told him sooner. I just don't know." "Well, what's done is done. You can't change the past." Kevyn was just about to answer when a voice came over the intercom system announcing his flight. "I guess I gotta go." They stood up. Kevyn hugged his mother. "I love you mom." "I love you too Kev," she replied hugging him back. "I'll call you." "I'll call you when I get in," he said as they separated. He grabbed his duffle bag from the chair next to him and stood in line to board the aircraft. June stood there watching her only son. Kevyn looked around one last time for Jeff. * * * Jeff stood behind a pillar, out of direct sight of Kevyn and watched him enter the tube to the aircraft. 'Goodbye, my best friend,' he thought to himself as a single tear ran unchecked down his cheek. Story © MCMXCIII; Layout © MMII-MMIV CRVBOY. All Rights Reserved. |
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