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"If I give up on you I give up on me Kevyn sat down on the couch next to me. "I don't really know how to say this, other than direct. I'm HIV+." When he said that I think time stopped. I know my heart did. He had AIDS. I couldn't believe it. He looked fine. He didn't look sick. He must have gotten it from his ex-girlfriend. Or maybe drugs. Maybe he did drugs. Shot up or something. Shared a dirty needle. But I hadn't seen any indication, but then again, I'd not spent a lot of time with him, just a lot of time thinking about him. "Bastian? You still with me?" I turned to look at him. He had a mixture of fear and trepidation on his face. Like he was afraid I was going to run out on him. But where would I go? "Yeah, I'm here. This is just a lot to take in, that's all." He let out a heavy breath, like he was expecting me to tell him to get away from me. "That it is." A million questions ran through my mind. A thousand things I wanted to say. But the only thing that came out of my mouth was "How?" He stood up and walked across the living room and stared out the window. He didn't say anything for a few minutes. I finally got up and walked over to him. I could see his reflection in the window and I could see tears rolling down his cheeks. I placed my hand on his shoulder and he turned around to face me. We stood that way for a minute or so before Kevyn buried his head in my shoulder and started sobbing. Not being sure of what to do, I did the only thing I could think of--I put my arms around him and held him. I rocked him back and forth while rubbing his back with my left hand. I looked out the window while he continued to cry into my shoulder. I could see by the streetlight across the way that it had started to snow. A stray thought entered my head. That should make my brothers happy if it's snowing back home as well. They always liked snow on Christmas Eve. Strange I should even think about them considering the current situation. My brain does weird stuff like that sometimes. I could feel Kevyn's sobs starting to slow down. He pulled his head off my shoulder and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "You must think I'm such a wuss, crying like this." "No, I don't. I'd be doing the same thing I'm sure." Gawd. I sounded so polite and not quite there. I didn't mean to. This whole night just really had me off balance. First the whole blow up with Dad, getting kicked out of the house and coming back to school and finding the dorms locked, and now this. I felt a little disoriented by it all. Kevyn walked back to his recliner and sat down. He pulled his feet up underneath him and put his hands in his lap. I walked over to the sofa and sat down in the seat nearest him and made an effort to focus on the here and now, on Kevyn. Kevyn laid his head back as though he was going to sleep. "I was stupid," he said finally a few minutes later. The house had gotten very quiet. The heat wasn't running, you couldn't hear the water in the radiators. Even the clocks seemed to be quiet. It was as though, along with me, all parts of the house were tuning in on Kevyn's tale. "I was stupid and I'll end up paying for it with my life. "My friends Cyrus and Josh had gone down to the Texas coast freshman year for spring break and had a ball. They had apparently found a few gay clubs and a nudist beach and all that. They came back all excited and wanted me to go with them the next year, for spring break. I wasn't sure I'd be able to go with my expenses and working and all that, but I told them I'd think about it. "As the time got closer to spring break for sophomore year they kept hounding me about going with them. They were a couple by this point so they only needed one of the beds in the motel room they had rented instead of both and they kept saying I could use the other one and save a bunch of money. They kept after me and finally I agreed to go for a while. I couldn't afford to take the whole week of spring break off, so I was only going to go down for five days. I drove down on the first Saturday of break and was planning on returning on Wednesday. "I made it down there with no problem, and had a great time. The places were really cool and I actually went to my first gay club and all that while I was there. Met a couple of cute guys but I'm not into one-night stands so I didn't end up hooking up with any of them. And besides, I didn't exactly have a place to bring them back to, you know? I was sharing a room with Cy and Josh and they pretty much went at it every night. Most nights I'd end up leaving the room for a bit and going for a walk on the beach while they screwed around. "I left early Wednesday morning. I didn't want to get back too late cause I had to work the next day. I was a little more than half way home when my car broke down. It had done that to me in the past and I usually just had to wait it out. So I did. I gave it some time, and tried it again and got nothing out of it. I tried to use my cell phone to call a tow truck but I was in an area with no signal. It was now the middle of the day and it was hot. There was very little shade along the road." "So what did you do?" I asked when he stopped telling his tale to take a drink of his now cold hot cocoa. "What else could I do? I couldn't just stay with the car. I hadn't seen a car in quite a while and the couple that I did see didn't stop. I got out and crossed the interstate and started walking back to the last exit I had seen. I remembered seeing signs before the exit for services there. I figured I'd walk back and find a gas station and get my car towed. And maybe I'd get some cell service in town so I could call Cy and have him come get me if I was going to be more than a few hours to fix. I thought it would be better to walk on the other side of the interstate so I could maybe get a ride going in that direction. "I couldn't remember how far it was back to the exit. They were pretty far apart at that point. It could have been a few miles; it could have been fifty miles. But I didn't have any choice. I started walking back toward there. It was hot, and walking in that hot sun was the worst. I've never liked the heat anyway, so this was especially bad. I don't know how long I'd been walking at that point, an hour, maybe two? I don't know. But I was sweating and desperately thirsty. I'd seen one other car in all the time I'd been walking and they didn't even bother to slow down. "Finally another car came along, heading in the direction I was going. He slowed down and asked me the obvious question of why I was walking on the side of the road. I told him how I was trying to get back to the town so I could get a tow truck to tow my car. He offered me a ride. I know I shouldn't have gotten in the car. I was always told while growing up not to hitchhike or accept rides from strangers but I was desperate. I was hot, thirsty and I was sweating to death. Besides, I wasn't a kid any longer. Plus I figured I'd be safe. The guy was probably in his mid forties, balding, somewhat overweight. He was really ugly. He had several warts on his face and hair growing out of his ears. He had air conditioning and it was on full blast. It was nice and cold in his car. So against my better judgment, I got in. "He was nice at first. We chatted a little bit about what he did, what I was studying in school. But then he changed. He started talking about sex and whether I had a girlfriend and how much he liked getting off. I just told him that was too personal and asked if we could we change the subject. He just got quiet instead and began dividing his attention between the road and me. We'd traveled a few miles like this when he got off the highway on a side road. It wasn't a real exit, just some sort of access road for the power lines or something. I knew then something wasn't right. I kept telling him to stop and let me out but he wouldn't. He continued to drive down this dirt road for a while. There was so much dust kicked up from the parched earth that I couldn't see the surroundings very well. I tried to get my seatbelt undone to get out of the car. I'd jump out if I had to, but the seatbelt was stuck, or broken. I couldn't get it unlatched. He finally stopped behind an outcropping of rocks. As soon as the car stopped I tried to get out again. But I couldn't. The door was locked. I tried to unlock it but the car had those stupid child safety locks. The door couldn't be opened from the inside. I couldn't get the seat belt undone or get the door open. I was trapped. He moved across the car toward me. I tried to stop him, but I couldn't. He was amazingly strong. I tried to resist but I couldn't." "Is that why you freaked out on me that night of our date? When I tried to kiss you?" "Yeah. It was the way you put your hand behind my head and tried to draw me to you. The guy did that to me, he put his hand behind my head and pulled my head into this cloth. It must have had chloroform or something on it cause I blacked out. I awoke later--how long I was out, I don't know, but when I did, we were outside the car. I was tied-up. My feet were bound with rope and my arms were tied behind me. He had me leaning up against the car. He had a knife and he kept flicking it at my chest. He'd taken my shirt off. He'd knick at me with the knife. Sometimes he'd use enough pressure to break the skin and cut me, sometimes he didn't. Several of the places where he had broken the skin were bleeding. He then pricked his finger with the knife and squeezed it until he drew blood. Then he rubbed his cut and bleeding finger on the cuts he had made on me. "The guy was nuts. I'd pretty much figured that out. He opened his jeans and pulled his cock out. It was this big ugly fat uncut cock. The thing was disgusting. I don't think he washed it properly. It smelled and there was all this head cheese under the foreskin. And he was huge too. He shoved it in my face. I turned away and he shoved it back in my face. He told me to suck it. I wouldn't. I kept my mouth shut. He then took the knife and held it to my throat. He told me he'd cut my dick off I didn't blow him. He also warned me not to even think about biting him unless I wanted to be castrated. He shoved his dick at my mouth again. I didn't have any choice. I could barely get my mouth around it. He shoved it down my throat. I tried to resist but he stuck the point of the knife to my throat. He kept telling me to suck his cock; that he wanted to get off before he fucked me cause he wanted to last a long time. It was disgusting. It tasted gross. "I've known for a long time that I was gay and I've wanted to give a blow job for almost as long but not like that. The tears were streaming down my face as he held my head and shoved his fat dirty prick into my mouth. I almost gagged a few times when he shoved it too far. He finally shot. He wouldn't pull out and I tried not to swallow, but I got some of it. Most of it drooled on his cock. He was still hard when he pulled it out. Then he pulled me to my feet and leaned me over the hood of the car." "Oh my gawd," I gasped, knowing what was coming next. "Yeah. He pulled my shorts and briefs down, exposing my virgin ass. He didn't even try to relax me, or get me ready. He just shoved it up my ass. The pain was indescribable. I'd never been fucked before, and I think I passed out from the pain. When I came back to consciousness he was still going at it. He kept telling me what a great ass I had, that he hadn't had a piece of tail so tight in a long time. He'd reach around and rub my pubic hair and tell me he liked guys with big bushy pubic hair. "He also kept telling me how he was going to give it to me like he'd gotten it. How some rent boy had ruined his life. He finally shot another load, up my ass. I was bawling my eyes out at that point. After he pulled out of my ass, I slid down the side of the car and landed in the dirt. My pants and underwear were pulled down around my ankles and my ass was burning. I could feel his cum dripping out of my ass and I was sure I was bleeding too. "The asshole left me there! My shorts and underwear around my ankles, cum dripping out of my ass and he takes off! I had to scramble back away from the car as he pulled away so I wouldn't get hit." "Did you get a license plate? A description of the car?" "No, I was too frightened and just happy to be alive. He took off like a shot and kicked up so much dust and dirt that the car was obscured by it, so even if I thought of trying to get the license plate, I couldn't have seen it." "Did you got to the police anyway?" "No. I was ashamed, plus I knew what they would have thought, what they would have said. They would have laughed me out of the station. They would have called me a fag and told me to take my spat with my boyfriend home. "I guess I was sort of in shock cause I just sat there for a few minutes. Then I came out of it and managed to get myself over to the outcropping of rocks and find a sharp one. The rope he used to tie me was old and wasn't very strong. It didn't take long for me cut it enough where I could get my hands free. I pulled my shorts and briefs back up and untied my ankles. Then I pulled my shorts and briefs off and used my briefs to clean up. First I wiped the blood off my chest where he had cut me and had smeared his on. When I got that cleaned up the best I could, I started to gingerly clean my ass. I had been right. He had made me bleed. The cum I wiped off was tinted red but not much and the blood didn't seem to be flowing any longer. I was very sore and raw, but I didn't seem to have any major damage. I was pretty certain I wouldn't spot my shorts with any new blood at this point. I didn't want to put my blood and cum soaked briefs back on, so I stuck them under some of the rocks there, and then put on my shirt and shorts. "I was sore, but I could walk. I followed the tire tracks and headed toward the highway. He'd pulled off only a half mile or so from the exit I was heading for so it didn't take me long to get to the service station. As soon as I got there, I went into the rest room and washed my face at the sink and looked in the mirror. I looked very haggard and stressed by the heat. After sitting on the toilet for a little bit and trying to expel more of what that bastard had shot into me, I washed again and then went out. "The guys at the station were great. They gave me water and put me in their nice air-conditioned office so I could cool off. They went and got my car and brought it back in. They told me that they couldn't take me in the truck with them, that it was prohibited by their insurance. That was fine with me; I wouldn't have gone with them even if they had let me. I didn't want to be in a car alone with another guy. I still don't, if I'm not the driver. They brought the car back and put it up on the lift. It was a simple fix and they had me back on the road less than an hour later. I ended up getting home around 11:30 that night. I called in sick the next day. They asked if I had had a little too much partying on vacation. I didn't want to tell them the real reason I wasn't coming in, so I agreed and left it at that." "So what did you do then? How did you find out you're positive?" "We'd gotten a piece of paper with a list of resources for gay and lesbian students and folks from the group. I found it buried under a pile of papers on my desk and found the number for the anonymous testing place. I called them and they told me to come down. I talked to Abby, one of the councilors there. I wanted to be tested right away, but she told me that the standard ELISA test doesn't work that way. It actually tests for the antibodies our bodies produce against the HIV virus rather than the virus itself. It can take up to three months for some people to develop the antibodies to the virus at a level where they will show up in their system. Some people show antibodies in as little as four to six weeks. Based on what had happened to me, we were both certain I had been exposed, so she went ahead and okayed the test after only four weeks. I had to wait ten days for the test results. It came back negative. Good news but there was still the chance I could have it and that it would show up at six weeks or not even until thirteen weeks after my rape. "So about every two weeks, after I got back the results from the previous test, I took another ELISA test. Every time I called to get the news, I would be wound up in knots. And each time I got good news, I felt like it was just putting off the inevitable. It was an emotional roller coaster for me. It got hard to sleep at night cause I was having nightmares about the attack. They always got worse the night before my test results were due back." He was still sitting on the recliner, his feet curled up under his body, his arms across his chest, as though he was trying to hide as much of his body as possible. I'd probably be doing the same thing as him if I had gone through what he did. I can't imagine being in such a situation. I'm sure he couldn't have either before it happened. "So, that's my story. I'm sorry I took off on you like that after our date and again tonight, but it just brought back the memories. I've been talking to Abby at the clinic several times a week since it happened. She's the only one up till now that knew what happened. I've not told anyone else, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything either." I nodded. "Of course." "I thought I was over it, that I'd be okay, but I guess not. I've been having the dreams of the attack again since the night of our date." He slammed his hands down on the arms of the recliner. "I hate this! I fucking hate this feeling." He continued to sit on the recliner with his fists clenched. I looked down at my own hands and was surprised to discover that I had my hands clenched as well. I released my hands and placed them on my knees. As I sat there it finally hit me full force what Kevyn had said. He was HIV+. He could develop AIDS. I'd heard about the disease, learned a little bit about it in high school, saw some TV shows or movies where a character has it, but this was the first time I'd actually known anyone who had it. Everyone had heard of Ryan White, the kid who contracted HIV from a blood transfusion and what he went through, but you don't hear stories like that any more. You occasionally hear from these religious nuts who go on about how AIDS is God's way of punishing fags, but even that doesn't get covered as much. I'd been so hot on getting him into bed, to getting my first blowjob, my first fuck that it didn't even occur to me that he could be positive, that there could be an issue of him being positive. I knew I was clean. I'd never had a blood transfusion and hell, I was still a fucking virgin. I was almost nineteen and still a fucking virgin. Marc lost his virginity when he was fourteen. He offered to hook me up many times, but it wasn't the girls he knew that I wanted to lose my virginity to. Had Kevyn not wigged out on me, would he have told me? Would he have stopped us and told me? Or would he just have gone on and gotten his rocks off and not told me? He doesn't seem like that type, but you never can tell. A lot of guys are just interested in getting themselves off and not their partner. Could I risk a relationship with him? Could I risk having sex with him? Could I handle a relationship where we didn't have sex? I knew I didn't want that. I knew that sex doesn't make a relationship and a relationship built on just sex wouldn't last, that you have to have something else, some other connection, but sex was still there, still part of the relationship equation for me. I was pretty sure I couldn't handle a relationship without any sex. And I wasn't sure I was all that ready to have a relationship where I could possibly become infected with the HIV virus. Of course any relationship carries that risk. The next guy I met could be infected and not even know it. Or he could be like Kevyn's attacker and be only interested in infecting as many people as he could. I was only eighteen! You're an adult at eighteen, at least in the eyes of the law, but I didn't feel like an adult yet. I wasn't ready to be an adult. I wasn't ready to have to make this kind of decision. I wasn't ready to do this. I just wanted to stay a kid for a while longer. And I couldn't do that if I dated a guy who has HIV. I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I noticed my hands again. While I'd been thinking, deciding, I'd lost my focus and wasn't really seeing anything. But as my eyes refocused on my hands, I discovered that they were clenched again, and clenched hard. I released my hands and watched as they started to return to their normal color. How long had I sat like that? I raised my head up. "Kevyn," I started to say. I was going to tell him that I couldn't do it--that I couldn't have a relationship with him. I'd keep his secret but that I couldn't be with him. I turned my head and discovered that he was watching me. Our eyes made contact and it was like a link was created between us. Neither of us said anything. My voice died in my throat, the stream of words stopped at his name. I'd noticed his eyes the first time I saw him in karate practice. They were ice blue and he always had an intense look about him, at least in class. It was at our date that I saw another side of his eyes. They sparkled when he laughed. They generated warmth, and caring. But now, now his eyes looked dull. The color was very muted, the life behind his eyes gone. I could see the pain, the hurt. His whole face matched his eyes. I could see the pain, the fear, and the thoughts of rejection. He knew. He knew what I was going to say. At that point, all my reasons for not wanting to date him fell away. I remembered the first time I saw him, how sexy he looked in his karate outfit, how graceful he was doing the moves. I then thought of him at the gym, how hot he looked in just the shorts and muscle shirt. And who could forget the locker room afterward when I got to see him naked. His bubble butt bouncing as he walked toward the shower. That guy who raped him may be a lowlife and a bastard, but he was right, Kevyn does have a great ass. It suddenly hit me. He'd been incredibly strong. With everything he'd been through, he still got up each morning, went to school or work and continued to live his life. I didn't know if I could be that strong. I didn't know what I'd do if I ever caught this disease. I hoped I'd be as strong as Kevyn is but I wasn't sure. I wouldn't know unless I'm faced with such a decision. Kevyn was the first to finally speak. He looked to be on the verge of tears. "It's okay, I understand. This is just too much for you to handle. I understand. I figured that most people would react this way. I can't blame them. I probably would too if the roles were reversed." I didn't say anything, I just I got up off of the sofa and walked over to him. I took his hands in mine and pulled him to a standing position. I continued to hold his hands as I looked back into his eyes--the eyes I had first noticed when I saw him that night back a few months ago at karate. "I was going to say that," I started, continuing to look into those eyes. "I'll be honest with you. The idea of HIV scares me. I don't want it, but then again who does? I thought of all these reasons why I couldn't date you, why I should just walk away, but then I remembered something. I remembered about the first time I saw you, the first date we went on, the time we saw each other at the gym. And I realized something too. I realized how strong you are." "I'm not strong," he said. "Look at me, I'm crying like a baby." I let go of one of his hands and I wiped the tears away. I grabbed his hand again. "You are strong. I don't know if I could do what you do if I found out I had this disease. I don't think I could get up every day and go to school or work. I don't know if I could face myself in the mirror. I don't know if I could even attempt to date, let alone even think about it. I don't know if I could get past the rape. But you did. Ever since last spring when I told my folks, I've thought I had it bad. My folks wouldn't talk to me; my father would belittle me whenever we were alone. And then earlier this evening, I got kicked out of my house, on Christmas Eve no less! I thought I had it bad. I came back to school and I couldn't get into the dorms. Then I called you, and you agreed to take me in--a guy you barely know. I was feeling sorry for myself, for the situation I was in and then I realized that my problems are nothing, and that I don't have it nearly as bad as I thought, that I'm lucky to be alive, lucky to have you as a friend. I admire your strength. I don't know how you do it." "I don't have much choice," he replied. "I'm not as strong as you think. If I were, I would have reported the rape; I would have tried to have him found. If I were all that strong I wouldn't have thought about killing myself after I found out I was HIV+. If I were strong, I wouldn't have taken off like I did on our date. I'm not strong." "You are strong. So you didn't report the rape, but a lot of people don't. You are probably right about how the police would have reacted, and who needs that kind of harassment? I would have done the same thing as you. And you didn't kill yourself, so that makes you strong too." He snorted. "I didn't kill myself cause I'm too much of a wimp, that's why. I don't like pain. I thought about it but nothing more." I squeezed his hands. "Regardless of the reason, you didn't do it, and that's what's important." He let go of my hands and walked into the kitchen. I followed him. He grabbed the milk out of the fridge and grabbed a glass. He held up the glass and I nodded an affirmative. He took out another glass and poured milk in both of them. He put the milk away and moved over to the table and sat down. I sat down opposite him. He looked across at me, the blue in his eyes icy and intense again. "I noticed you the first day of karate too. It wasn't hard; you were the only guy about my age there. I tried hard not to notice you too much, tried hard not to get too excited by you. I hadn't found anyone at school I was really interested in, even before the rape. Sure there were plenty of guys I found hot, but nobody that made me say 'Hey, I want to date him.' But after the rape I just didn't bother to look at all. It was like my sex drive just got shut off, like the rape had totally extinguished that part of me. Before our date, I couldn't remember the last time I'd had an erection. I hadn't shot a load in months, not even a wet dream. "Even though I tried not to think about you, I still did. And then I saw you at the gym, naked in the locker room, and I nearly threw a boner there and then. And I saw you every week at karate. I liked what I saw, but I didn't know if you were like me, if you were gay. Nothing said you were. And then I ran into you at the gay and lesbian meeting. It was then I gathered you were gay. It was at that meeting that I decided I couldn't hide from it any more, that I needed to get on with it, get on with my life. That's when I asked you out to dinner. I didn't think I'd have the panic attack I had." I'd finished my milk at that point, and Kevyn took a big gulp of his. I reached across the table and held his hand again. He looked at me and I looked at him. "It'll be okay. Really. You'll get through this. We'll get though this. Together." Kevyn's icy blue eyes sparkled now as if lit up by a new light. A smile broke across his face. He set his glass of milk down and moved toward me. I just stood there for a second and then opened my arms to let him know he was welcome in them. He moved into them with confidence, looked at me once more, hesitated for a moment, and asked, "May I?" I smiled my willing assent, and we moved our faces closer together. The kiss I had wanted from him for so long was finally delivered. It was tentative at first, but then we let ourselves go. He did not draw away. He didn't panic. And neither did I. Yeah. We would get through this together. I knew it for sure now. The End |