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"I'm running and not quite sure where to go After leaving the parking lot in a hurry, I'd come home and decided just to head to bed. I wasn't in the mood to do anything else. As it turned out, going to bed wasn't much better. It had been a while since I had had the nightmares but I had them that night. Even after all these months it was still the same--the feelings of helplessness, the pain, the humiliation. I had tried to get away then and couldn't and I couldn't in my dreams that night either. The pain was the worst; there had been no lube, no condoms, no nothing. It just wouldn't stop. My dreams echoed all the pleading and begging I had done. And in my dreams it was just like that night, nothing I said made it stop before I woke up, a film of cold sweat coating my body. It wasn't Bastian's fault. There was just something about his actions that night, the way he did things that brought the memories I'd tried so hard to suppress flooding back. I felt bad about kicking him out of my car like that and taking off, but I hadn't been thinking rationally. I had been reacting solely on my need to just get out of there, to get away as fast as I could. The nightmares lessened over the next couple of weeks as I spent most of my time finishing up assignments for classes and studying for finals. Between working and school, I didn't have a lot of time to do anything else. I still thought about Bastian and the night we had dinner together. He was the first gay guy that I met here at the college that I found myself thinking about for no reason. I'd be working on my accounting homework and all of a sudden a picture of Bastian would pop into my head. Either him at the karate place or one of the few times we happened to be at the gym together. I liked those ones best cause I had gotten to see him naked. With the hectic end-of-semester schedule I had, between all the assignments and the studying for finals, not to mention the fact that I was also working as well didn't leave me a lot of time for the gym, or for karate either. I managed to get to the gym a couple of times and I did manage karate once. Now that school was done for the semester and I was back to working full time, I'd be able to get to the gym more regularly and be able to attend all the karate classes. I'd never been a jock growing up so I'd never taken to sports. Maybe it was because I was gay and the old stereotype that gay guys aren't any good at sports was true, maybe it wasn't. Most of my gay friends at school, Cyrus and Josh among them weren't into sports either. Bastian was though. He was here on a baseball scholarship. I'd not had a chance to see him in his baseball uniform and that was too bad because I'd always had a thing for guys in uniforms, especially baseball uniforms. My sex life had been pretty much non-existent since that day last March. It hadn't been much before then but I had been jacking off at least four times a week, sometimes as many as ten. But since March, nothing, nada, zip. Hell, I couldn't even tell you the last erection I'd had before that date with Bastian. I still wasn't beating off but I did find myself thinking about sex again, and those thoughts involved Bastian. Many of the times I was thinking about him I was imagining him a baseball uniform--imagined my removing that baseball uniform until he was just in his jock, and then removing that. The past couple of springs while in school I'd seen the guys on the baseball team practicing and had managed to see part of a game or two with some friends. There was something about those uniforms, the way the pants hugged the ass, or the fact that they made the wearer grab his crotch to adjust, even in public. Once again I wasn't heading home to Acton for Christmas. I knew my mother was upset and my father really didn't give a rat's ass. He and I had never been close growing up. I'm sure my lack of athletic ability disappointed him. He also enjoyed hunting deer and rabbits in season and my total lack of desire to join him and my really utter disgust at hunting for sport did little to endear me to him. I don't think he really wanted kids anyway, and I'm sure in his eyes I was a disappointment. I opted to stay at school cause it meant I could work full time the two weeks we had off between semesters. I was actually going to be working the next semester anyway instead of going to school as part of my work study program, so I'd actually get a couple of weeks of extra work in and the resulting extra pay would be great to have. The job wasn't bad, I tolerated it, but the pay was pretty good, especially for a twenty-year-old kid still in school. I got along well with my coworkers and they liked my work. My company only worked a half-day on Christmas Eve so I was out of the office by 12:30 or so. The VP of our department did his usual walk around that morning and wished us a happy holiday season. It was no secret that he was heading off to the Rockies with his wife and kids to go skiing for the holidays and I guess this was his attempt at seeming more approachable by us underlings. I got home from work and discovered my landlady Mrs. K standing on the front steps with a suit case sitting on the ground next to her. She hadn't told me she was going anywhere. In years past her son Francis and his partner had come out from San Francisco and they'd spent Christmas Eve and day together. I parked my car and went over to talk. She told me that her son-in-law had fallen off of his bike the day before while the guys were riding around San Francisco and broken his leg. He wasn't very mobile and they decided instead of attempting to fly with his broken leg that they'd fly her out to see them. She'd never been to San Francisco and was excited about the trip. She'd called for a taxi over an hour earlier to get her to the airport and they'd still not shown up. I ended up taking her to the airport in my car and saw her off. So now it was Christmas Eve and I was alone in not only my apartment but also the whole house. I'd made a simple dinner and used my computer for a bit. A little after eight I made some popcorn and threw in my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Carol, the version with George C. Scott, and sat down to watch it. I curled up in my favorite chair, my feet underneath me, the bowl of popcorn on my lap and watched a movie I'd seen a dozen times before. To me, this was Christmas. Christmas was never about the presents. Sure I loved having stuff to open, but to me that didn't define Christmas, this movie did. Since the first time I saw it, I loved it. I made it a point to watch it at least once each Christmas season. After the movie was over I cleaned up the popcorn bowl and decided to head off to bed. I'd been asleep for a couple of hours when I was awoken by my phone ringing. I couldn't imagine who would be calling me at this hour on this day, but I rolled over and picked up the phone anyway, just in case it was someone important. "Hello?" I spoke rather groggily. I'd not woken up completely yet. I was still somewhat asleep. I think it was more automated response than anything that made me answer the phone. "Kevyn?" The voice on the other asked. It sounded familiar but I couldn't place it in my half asleep state. "Yeah. Who is this?" I was waking up but still couldn't place the voice. It didn't sound like Jeff, and it definitely wasn't my parents. "It's Bastian. I'm sorry for calling so late, but I've got no place to go." Bastian. That's who it was. I knew the voice sounded familiar. He sounded desperate. I glanced over at the clock next to the phone. I couldn't imagine why he'd be calling me at almost one o'clock in the morning, especially on Christmas morning of all times. "What? What's going on? Where are you?" I asked, my natural curiosity winning out over my desire to just go back to bed. Plus I was pretty much fully awake by that point and it would be a while before I would end up being able to sleep again. "I'm at the dorm. I'm in my car. My fucking father threw me out of the house. On Christmas Eve!" I could tell that he was crying. "I'm freezing and I can't get into my dorm room. They said the dorms would be open over the break. But they're not. And now I've got no place to go." His voice sounded plaintive and upset. I sat up in bed, my mind racing. What had happened to Bastian? Why had his father thrown him out? Why did he come back to school? Why didn't he go to a friend's house in his town? "Bastian, calm down, it'll be ok. You can stay with me tonight. Tomorrow we'll figure out what to do." It took him a second to realize what I said, cause he didn't answer right away. I finally heard a "Really?" through the phone. It was soft, quiet, as though he was afraid it wouldn't happen if he spoke too loudly. "Yes, really," I promised him. "Do you have a piece of paper and a pen so I can give you directions to my place?" "Yeah, buried in my bag in the trunk." I threw the covers off the bed, my body shivering in the cold air. My balls instinctively pulled up closer to my body to try to keep my sperm warm. "It's ok. I'll just come get you. You can follow me back. Give me ten minutes and I'll be there." I climbed out of bed. "Thanks, I really appreciate this." "Anytime bro, I'll see you in ten," I replied and hung up the phone. I grabbed the sweats from under my pillow and threw them on. Nobody except Bastian was going to see me, so it didn't matter that I wasn't wearing any underwear. I stopped in the bathroom and emptied my bladder before I headed out. As I passed by the thermostat in the living room I turned the dial up. I was probably going to be up for a while now and it was cold in here. I snatched my keys by the door and headed out to my car. The car barely had time to warm up before I reached the dorms where Bastian was parked. I pulled in beside him and rolled down the passenger's side window. "You come here often?" I asked him, a grin on my face. That got a small laugh out of him. "It's not too far, just follow me back." He nodded and raised the window on his car. I raised mine and backed out of the spot. I pulled out onto the street and waited for him to follow me. He was right behind me and didn't stray too far from me on the short trip home. There weren't any other cars on the road, which didn't surprise me considering it was now around 1:30 am on Christmas morning. I pulled into my driveway and Bastian pulled in behind me. I shut off the car and got out and went back to his car. "Do you want help bringing stuff in?" I asked him as he got out of his car. I could see by the lights in the driveway that he had been crying. He wiped his face. "Nah, I'm just going to bring in a duffle bag with some clothes and my computer. Everything else will be fine out here. Nothing will get damaged by the cold." I nodded and he grabbed his two bags. He shut and locked his car and we headed up to my apartment. "Wow, this is a nice place you have here," he said as he put his bags down in the kitchen. I shut the door and hung up my keys. "Thanks. I found out about it from a guy in the GSA my freshman year. He was a senior and was moving away at the end of the semester to go to graduate school out on the west coast. He talked to the landlady about me renting it and she agreed after I met with her. She gives me a break on the rent cause I help her out with grocery shopping and lawn cutting and shoveling and stuff. She's a sweet old lady." "She's not going to mind me being here, will she?" "Nah, she wouldn't mind. Plus she's not home anyway. She's out in California visiting her son and his partner. She's not coming back until after the start of the new year." I took Bastian's coat from him and hung it on the back of a kitchen chair. "Do you want something to drink, or eat?" "You wouldn't have any cocoa would you?" "Actually I do. With our without marshmallows?" He smiled. "Definitely with." I don't know if it was the time of the day, or the fact that I'd just "rescued" him from being homeless or maybe I was really starting to feel something for him, but his smile was one of the cutest things I'd ever seen. It made his whole face light up and gave him this sweet innocent look. "Two hot chocolates coming up. Why don't you make yourself comfortable in the living room while I make them." "Actually, where is your bathroom? I really need to go." "Go down the hallway, the only door on your left." I watched him as he left. He was wearing some rather tight jeans and they hugged his ass quite nicely. I'd seen his ass once or twice at the gym and it was a very nice one. I shook the thought from my head as I went to make the drinks. A few minutes later we were sitting in the living room drinking our hot chocolate. I was sitting in the recliner, my feet tucked up under me and Bastian was sitting on the sofa. "So what happened? How come you ended back up at school on Christmas morning?" He put his mug down. "I guess I just pushed the old man too far. It started off just like Thanksgiving. He ignored me if anyone else was around and would make derogatory comments about me if it was just us. I tried to be out as much as possible but there's not a lot to do in my little Podunk town." "What about your friends? Wouldn't they be back from college as well?" "Yeah, they are. I saw a few of them. They were distant, cold. They didn't want to have anything to do with me." "How come?" "As best as I can figured Marc told them about me. He must not be as accepting as I thought." "So what happened at home?" He shifted on the sofa, trying to make himself more comfortable. He took another sip of his hot chocolate before he continued. "We had our traditional Christmas Eve meal together and then my brothers took off to see their girlfriends. The old man camped out in front of the TV as he usually did and mom was working in the kitchen, getting ready for the meal the next day. I was up in my room reading, surfing the web, whatever. I came down at one point to get more water to drink and he started in on the comments. I ignored him as usual until I was heading back up stairs after getting my water. He made an even stronger comment. I'd had enough. I pretty much told him that it was his fault I was gay. That the gene for it comes from the father." "There's no evidence of that." "Yeah, I know, I just said it to get his goat, and apparently I did. He must not have liked that cause then he kicked me out. On Christmas Eve!" His eyes started to tear up again. "What kind of man would kick out his own son on Christmas Eve?" He started to cry. I sat in my seat for a minute, not sure what to say, not knowing what I could say that would lessen his pain. I finally decided there wasn't anything I could say so I got up out of the chair and went over to him and sat down next to him. I put my arm around him, trying to comfort him. He tried to stop his tears but they wouldn't. I finally pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back as he buried his head into my shoulder. His sobbing intensified for a bit and I could feel him shudder as he gave vent to his sorrow and frustration. "It'll be ok," was the only thing I could think of to say. I was at a loss for words. I'd not come out to my folks yet, so I didn't have any point of reference, any idea of what he was going through. I was pretty sure my parent's reaction would be along the lines of his, but they might surprise me. Our close proximity was having an effect on me. My cock was starting to get hard and wearing flimsy sweatpants, I'm sure it was plenty visible to Bastian. I don't see how he could miss it. "It'll be okay," I said again. And then I kissed him on top of his head. He quieted some. It had felt good to kiss him like that, so I did it again. My cock was now even harder than ever. He slowly brought his face up, the tears all but dried up. He looked so vulnerable, so lost, so sexy. I looked into his eyes for a moment and then bent down and kissed him on his forehead. His eyes darted toward my crotch for just a second and lit up. He reached his hand around and brought it to the back of my head, trying to pull my head down to meet his for a kiss. As with two weeks earlier the memories of the trip home from spring break came flooding back. I started to panic. I pulled away from him and jumped off the couch. He wasn't ready for my sudden departure and he fell down on the couch. He sat back up and looked at me. "I'm sorry, I just can't," I said keeping my distance. He looked like he was going to say something but instead he just got up of the couch. He headed toward the door. "I'll just go then. Sorry to have woken you." He put his coat on and was grabbing for his bags when my mind screamed, "What the fuck are you doing? You like this guy and you're just going to let him leave? You've got to tell someone, sometime." "Wait," I called out to him as he reached for the doorknob. "Don't go." He stopped and turned to face me. "Twice now I've tried to kiss you and twice now you've pulled away. If you don't want to kiss me, or don't feel the way I feel, then just let me know and I'll leave you alone." "It's not that," I started to say as I walked over to him. "I like you, I really do, and I want to kiss you, I really do, but, and this is going to sound very clichéd, it's not you, it's me." I reached over and helped him take his coat off. "I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone else. Only one other person knows this." I took his hand and lead him back into the living room. He sat back down on the couch and I sat down next to him. "I don't really know how to say this, other than direct. I'm HIV positive." |