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"It's a damn cold night When we sat down in the booth at Granny J's and Bastian turned his hat around and I saw it was a Red Sox baseball cap, I thought I had found someone from home. But no, it turned out that he was a big baseball nut and the Red Sox were his favorite team. We got to talking about a bunch of different things and then he asked me the question that I dreaded. He asked if I am out to my parents. I don't know why I dreaded the question, maybe because he's out to his folks and it made me seem not as comfortable with myself. I'm fine with myself, I've come to accept it, but I just haven't built up the courage to come out to the folks yet, or to most people for that matter. Fortunately for me, before I could either answer the question or change the subject, the food arrived. It had been a few months since I'd been in Granny J's. In fact I think that school hadn't started for the semester yet the last time I was here. Cyrus and Josh and I had come for dinner to celebrate Josh's birthday. I'd forgotten how big the plates were and how much Granny J piled on them. There was enough food on my plate to feed three people and probably just as much on Bastian's. I don't know if she makes them this big for everyone or just us. I swore I saw Bastian's eyes pop out of his head. "Eat up boys. There's plenty more if you're still hungry. And don't forget to save room for dessert!" Granny J looked at both of us then headed back toward the kitchen. Charlie refilled our water glasses and also departed. Bastian looked at his plate of food and at me. "Dessert? She expects us to eat dessert? This is enough for three meals for me! I wanna grow, but not in my stomach!" I let a small chuckle out at that line. I'd seen him naked, once, at the gym we both belonged to. I'd liked what I 'd seen, even if it was brief. We spent the next few minutes eating our food. "Wow, this is really good." I was happy Bastian approved. "Yeah, it is. Like I said on the way over here, it's the best I've found outside of the North End in Boston." We spent another few minutes in silence, enjoying the food. He put his fork down and swallowed the bite he had been chewing. "The North End?" "Yeah, it's a collection of streets that is home to Boston's Italian immigrant community. There are so many restaurants there you'd never go hungry. Most are just little holes in the wall but they have some of the best food you'll ever have." "Wow. We've got nothing like that back home." Not knowing where home was, I just nodded. Of course I had just taken another bite, so I didn't want to appear rude and speak with my mouth full. "So you've never dated before?" I asked Bastian. "Didn't the kids in school get suspicious?" "Nah, I never had the time. If the kids did suspect, they never said anything. Or at least I never got word of anything." He paused for a minute, like he was trying to decide what to say next. "Plus, I never really wanted to anyway. I didn't want to date girls and I was too chicken to try to find a guy to date." "Really?" He nodded. "Yeah, really." "You don't seem shy to me. Especially not the way you kept asking me for coffee after karate each week." Bastian blushed and looked down at the table for a moment before he answered. "Yeah, well, I decided when I went off to school that I was going to try to change that. I figured I'd be in a new environment where nobody knows me. It wouldn't be like back home where I was one of fifty or so kids in my class." He twirled his fork in his pasta. "Plus that's why I was taking karate. Figured that if I ended up hitting on the wrong guy or word got around I'd at least be able to defend myself. What about you? You said you've never dated a guy but you dated some girls?" I finished chewing the bite of chicken Parmesan I was eating and then swallowed it. I then drank some of my water. "One girl actually. Her name was Sally. We dated for a year and a half or so, after the junior/senior prom. She asked me to the prom actually. She wanted to go. My class was around 350 kids or so and they talked. So I figured it would help to dispel any rumors and maybe start a few the other way. We dated until the spring of senior year. We decided that since we were both going away to college it wouldn't make sense to continue to see each other." "Wow." "Yeah." We lulled into a comfortable silence at that point and continued eating until we each had finished most of the food on our plates. I still had some food left and so did Bastian when Granny J appeared at our table. She had her hands on her hips. "Well boys, what did you think?" "Excellent as always Granny J," I replied putting my fork down and pushing my plate away. "Yes, definitely," Bastian answered after I had. "I couldn't eat another bite." "Of course it was excellent! Made it myself! Now what will it be for dessert?" Bastian looked at me and I looked at him. "Dessert? I'm too stuffed. I couldn't. I'll explode." She sort of looked at us like we had failed her in some way before she grabbed the plates and headed back to the kitchen. I leaned over to Bastian. "If I know her, she's boxing up the remains of our dinner and giving us some extra." He looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "Really?" "Yup. She'll deny it of course. She'd claim she only cleaned off our plates." A couple of minutes later she returned with a couple of brown paper bags, bigger than they needed to be for what we had left. She put them on the table. "Here you go boys, your leftovers. You sure I can't get you a cannoli or a piece of chocolate cake?" I looked at Bastian and he looked like he would explode if he ate any more. "No thanks Granny J, just the check please." She looked at me and then at Bastian. "The check? It's on the house, boys." "That's too generous Granny J. You shouldn't," Bastian replied reaching for his wallet as I reached for mine. Granny J pulled herself up to her full height and even with that her eyes barely cleared the top of the table. "Put your wallets away." I started to protest and she waved her hand at me. "You gonna argue with Granny J?" I pulled my hand back to the table and Bastian did the same. "Not if you put it that way. Thank you," I responded. "You're welcome. Merry Christmas and Happy New Years, boys." She started to walk way. "And don't be such strangers!" Bastian watched her walk back to the kitchen before he turned to face me. "She certainly is a character isn't she?" I slid out of the booth and grabbed my coat. "Yeah, that she is. I don't know if she's like that with everyone or just me and my friends." Bastian got out of the booth and grabbed his coat too. "I'm gonna hit the bathroom before we head back." "Good idea. I'll be at the front." "K." He walked back toward the kitchen and I watched as he asked Charlie where the bathrooms were. Charlie pointed to where they were and Bastian disappeared in that direction and then a few minutes later he reappeared and made his way back up front and we headed out to my car. We got into the car and fastened our seat belts. I started it up and put it in gear and we hit the road. We only had plans for dinner, so I just headed back toward campus. Darkness had fully settled across the landscape. The clouds had cleared completely and the sky was black. The moon had set and the stars were like shards of ice piercing the dark canopy as it spread across the flat Kansas horizon. Traffic was light and hardly a car was around as we tooled down the highway. As soon as the engine warmed up again, I threw the heat on to disperse the wintry chill that had seeped back into the car while we were eating. I wasn't sure what else to talk about at this point. I was a little afraid Bastian might bring up my folks again. Or worse yet, some subject closer to the one I really did not want to discuss. I was enjoying myself, but still felt a bit nervous and unsure. I glanced over at Bastian and he seemed to be fine. He was watching the scenery as it went by. He looked just a little bit nervous but he seemed okay with the silence so I let things ride. We had been in the car about twenty-five minutes when he broke the silence with a single question. "How did you know?" For the life of me I couldn't think of what he was talking about. I turned my head to look at him. "Know what?" I asked. I put my attention back on the road. Yeah, it was Kansas and yeah, it was flat but you never know when another car might be on the road, or come on the highway from one of these side roads. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him move in his seat as though he was nervous. "You know, how did you know you were gay?" He finally asked. "Oh that," I replied. I lowered my voice when I answered. I don't know why, we were the only two in the car, but it just seemed like the type of answer that needed to be spoken in a low voice. "I guess I've always known. I didn't identify what it was until I was in high school but I can remember even as a little kid being more interested in what the boys looked like naked than the girls. The Sunday paper would come and I'd go through the advertisements for the local department stores and look at the ads for the underwear. I hated it when the store would show the underwear on a manikin." He smiled when I mentioned that. "I used to do that too! I always made sure I read the comics first so my family wouldn't get suspicious. I'd read them and then go for the flyers from the local stores. I even went so far as to cut some out and hide them in my room." "Really?" "Yeah, really." I could hear the grin in his voice this time without even looking at him. I chuckled at that though. "I was never that bad. I'd look at them but I never cut them out. Of course in high school my best friend worked at a store that had the men's adult entertainment magazines. He swiped a few when he worked there and we used to look at them. I always liked the Hustlers as they'd show a guy." By that time we'd made it back to town and were on the campus. "What dorm are you living in?" Bastian looked around. "I'm living in Stetson East." "Really? That's cool. I was in West the first year." We had entered campus near Bastian's dorm so I pulled in the parking lot next to the building. I shut the engine off not knowing how long we'd be sitting in the car talking. We ended up sitting there for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything. Finally Bastian spoke, "Thanks for taking me to dinner." I turned to look at him. "You're welcome." At this point the windows had fogged up so we couldn't see out and anyone who might be outside couldn't see us inside the car. "I'm just glad you said yes." Bastian looked at me with a surprised look on his face. "Did you really think I wouldn't say yes? Especially after all those times I had asked you to go for coffee after karate?" "I wasn't sure what you'd say, especially after all those times you asked me for coffee and I turned you down." "Why did you turn me down all those times?" I looked down at my hands. "If only I could tell you the real reason. If only I felt comfortable enough to tell you." ran through my head. "Nervous I guess. This is all new to me." "It's new to me too. This is the first date I've ever been on. You've at least been on dates before." "Yeah, but that was different, it was a girl." "How's it different? Other than the fact it was a girl." "Cause I knew what to do." "How?" Bastian's face showed he was genuinely bewildered. "From watching other guys, watching my friends, movies, TV. Everything is geared toward boys and girls, men and women. Your father teaches you, your mother teaches you, etc. Then there's the whole chivalry thing, how to treat a lady, etc. I don't think chivalry covers dates with members of the same sex." "Yeah, I guess you're right. I'd never thought of it that way." The whole time we'd been talking Bastian had been moving closer. Of course, he couldn't get too close, as I have bucket seats, and the stick shift and emergency brake were between us. I turned to look at him and his face was no more than a foot away from mine. I could hear his breathing above my own. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face. His lips looked so inviting. My cock was straining against the confines of my jeans. By the tenting of the Dockers he was wearing, I could see that Bastian was obviously excited as well. I closed my eyes and started to lean toward him, giving into the moment. But then I felt his hand on the back of my head, pulling me toward him, and I felt an almost physical jolt like he had pulled a trigger and shot me. Suddenly, memories I had tried so hard to forget came flooding back along with their associated feelings of pain, humiliation, and terror. I tried to pull away but I couldn't. I couldn't get away. I opened my eyes and jerked my head back. Bastian had this look of surprise on his face. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of there. "Kevyn, what's wrong?" he asked. I tried to slow my breathing down but it wasn't happening. Between breaths, I was finally able to speak. "I can't.... I can't do this. I gotta go. I need you to leave. Please, get out of the car. I gotta get out of here." I tried to start the car but my shaking sweaty hands kept slipping off the keys. "Kevyn, what's wrong?" Bastian asked again, his face a mask of obvious concern. "I'm sorry Bastian, I gotta go. Please, I'm begging you, please leave." He opened his door. "You sure you won't tell me what's wrong?" "I can't, not now." I finally managed to get the car started. Bastian climbed out of the car, a look of bewilderment on his face. I turned on the rear window defroster and put the windows down so I could see. I kicked the defroster for the front window on and using my sleeve, wiped my hand across the window so I could see. Bastian backed away from the car and I put it into reverse and backed out of the parking spot and left. I looked in the rear view mirror as I pulled out of the parking lot and saw Bastian just standing there looking at the car, watching me take off, probably wondering what the hell had happened. I looked down at the speedometer a couple of blocks after I left Bastian standing in the parking lot. I was doing close to sixty at that point. I stepped off the gas and let the car gradually lose speed. I dared not step on the brake at that point, given my lead foot on the gas pedal, I'd probably have ended up locking up the brakes and causing the car to fish tail, or worse, flip over. When my speed had dropped down to around thirty, I applied light pressure to the brakes and slowed the car even more. I pulled the car over as my vision became blurry from the tears that had started forming in my eyes. I slammed my fist upon the steering wheel as the full realization of what I just did hit me. "FUCK!" I screamed out loud. I had to have ruined all chances of any sort of relationship with Bastian after I literally kicked him out of the car and sped off like a maniac. I really liked him too. Since I first saw him, he had been on my mind. I don't know why, there was something different about him, something about him that drew me to him. Sure, there have been other guys that I've found attractive, that I've thought are hot, but none that affected me in the way he had. I should have accepted his invite for coffee after that first class but I was too scared. With everything else that had happened that week, I just wasn't ready. After sitting on the side of the road for another ten or fifteen minutes I decided that I should just go home and go to bed. Just maybe I'd end up waking up and it would be Friday morning all over again and this evening would have just been a bad dream and I could do it right, and do it better. |