And for a moment there was nothing but them.
HMS Excalibur - Yeji-Sola System
Some things had changed as Darien grew older. Back with TER-SEC he had been able to sleep through living in the Tenderloin district of San Francisco, the constant noise of the drug dealers and the racket from the Alcazar Theatre baying till all hours of the night. Even after all that he had still being able to rise at 07:00 on the dot every morning. Yet since assuming his life aboard the Excalibur he had become such a light sleeper, and had come to dread mornings, viewing them as tools of the masochistic or the insane.
That view, however, did not stop his stomach from grumbling and waking him up in the middle of the ship's night.
He lay there reluctantly for another couple of minutes, trying to convince himself that he did not need to get up and go down to mess hall in order to satisfy his midnight craving.
His stomach rumbled again.
"Be quiet," he instructed it in a murmur.
Hungry, it insisted.
God, he hated when his involuntary internal functions stubbornly ignored all commands from his brain.
He sat up, stretched, and yawned, scratching the back of his neck. He looked over towards the other side of the bed, noting sadly that it hadn't been slept in. Edward was still up and about somewhere, working on the ship probably... and Darien felt a pang of regret for how harsh he had been.
He got up, not bothering to get dressed. His crew could deal with sweats and a tee. There was a stylised striking falcon on the tee shirt. It had been one of Elias's just before they had left Karin, back before the whole ascension, Darien had taken to wearing it... sentimentality, he guessed.
Besides, it was Elias's and, hell, he was allowed to be sentimental if he wanted to be. He missed Elias... a lot. Strangely, he felt the burning at the back of his eyes, as he blinked back the emotion, he wasn't going to...
He rose and padded quietly out into the main stateroom, wondering if they would ever get around to fixing them, pausing a second as he looked instinctively over to the corner by the door. James stood there, leaning back against the bulkhead, his arms folded, and his eyes locked with that 'and where do you think you're going?' look.
Darien blinked in surprise for a moment, before shaking his head. James went where he wanted, and if he was back it meant that Shale had managed to capture the supply ship and was setting a trap for the Hedgehogs. Least that was some good news, though Darien did note with amusement that the Fida'i had taken to wearing the Dragoon coat as a replacement for the one he had lost on Ordessus to Ra.
Darien shook his head with a smile and started for the door. He really didn't feel like having an argument with the Fida'i right then. If he felt like following then he would, regardless of what Darien had to say.
He stopped as James extended the silver rod, worked with acid etched patterns and its worn golden and blue tassels. Ra's shard weapon.
"The Aga-Khan should always be armed," James said, holding the weapon out, "And this weapon was won with honour."
"You're an odd man, James," Darien replied, accepting the Kill'a'ma'jig back, glad that it hadn't been lost on the Lex Talionis. Not having anywhere else to put it, he clipped it to the waistband of his sweats, hoping that he didn't look completely ridiculous as he slipped quietly out of his stateroom.
He paused at the rear of the bridge, looking through the backlit plotting board into the CIC. Even so early, the Excalibur was busy, with teams spread out across known space attacking Amsus Military assets and acting as a hub for diplomatic transit bypassing the Amsus blockades, Excalibur was serving a vital role to the Imperial war effort while her engineering teams worked to bring the Propylon drive systems online. The activity pleased Darien as he slipped into the elevator and sent it towards the ship's mess hall, sincerely hoping that getting something to eat would mean that he could return to sleep at some point.
His hand rose to stroke the scars on his cheek. The war was wearing him down, consuming him slowly, piece by piece. VonGrippen had written something about that in his logs, about how a man traded pieces of his own humanity for each victory. Darien wondered when he had become so jaded with the universe.
Gods and Journals.
He held his hand up to watch it shake, trying to will it to be still, knowing that it was impossible, but trying anyway. He was a fighter, he was supposed to... what? Simply give up?
The hall lights were dim on that deck, internal power at half strength as the day crew slept. A couple of hours from now, the lights would come back up to three-quarters' strength as Mayfair would rouse his marines from their beds for their morning exercise routines. And an hour after that the ship would wake the rest of the morning shift, whether they wanted to be up or not.
He arrived in the empty galley; it was still too early for the ship's mess staff to come on duty and start preparing the morning meals. The quiet absence of people reminded Darien of when they had first found the abandoned warship, early meals clustered around a single table, laughing and joking about how bad their cooking was.
He pulled open one of the refrigerators, looking at the shelves packed with food. They were getting low on eggs. He made a note to put into port soon; they could use a re-supply. He debated whether to make something healthy, or seek out Lauren's secret stash. A collection of high-fat, high-carb food that she claimed was only for emergencies, but everyone knew was really just comfort food. On the one hand, a sandwich would be healthier. On the other, Lauren's stuff tasted a whole lot better.
Tough luck, Lauren, he thought with a smile; it was way too late to be thinking about these things. Junk food it is.
He dug around in the kitchen storage space, looking for something that struck his fancy. Orion jellies, a sugar fruit from Taïr, and something called baklava. And then... jackpot.
Ice cream.
Mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Darien had to admit that the Human race had hit such heights under the old Empire, but as inventive as they were, they had never been able to top the one true crowning achievement of mankind... ice cream.
And Lauren had two cartons of it.
Darien found a spoon, grabbed one carton, and headed off down to the flight deck. The Air Boss had an observation deck called 'Vulture's Row' that allowed officers and observers to watch take-offs and landings on the flight deck. He wound down through the mech bay, happily munching away. Insomnia wasn't so bad after all, if he could eat ice cream and watch the stars drift by.
He decided to walk to the lower deck. It was a short trip down through the mech bay and across the machine shops before he gained access to the hangar deck and the ladder up to Vulture's Row, and he was in no particular hurry to get there. However as he entered the edge of the machine shops he heard a noise that caused him to stop and smile. As he paused, tilting his head to the side as he strained to identify what it was. It kind of sounded like a dying Tancred wildebeest.
Matty would have called it music.
Right, of course: the machine shops, Edward's home away from home. If there was anywhere he'd be it would be there. Darien hadn't even considered it as he had headed that way... subconsciously he'd known, he just wasn't going to admit that.
He sighed, debating whether or not to stop by. Their relationship was strained; Darien knew that it was mostly his fault. He was on a roller coaster, Edward had put it best, one minute he was okay with the situation, then something happened to remind him that his Matty wasn't just his anymore... it was... unsettling. There was this awkwardness between them. At times they were like strangers, at others it was like they were lovers again. Darien felt remorseful at that; whenever he saw a flash of Elias behind Edward's eyes, he was reminded that a stranger had taken away his boyfriend, even though rationally he knew it wasn't that way at all.
It was understandable, really. He could get that. That didn't stop him from becoming frustrated or feeling a little hurt.
Darien frowned and looked to the ground. The black falcon on his chest kept looking at him blankly, unaware of his moral conundrums. He snorted. Looking for advice from a T-shirt had to be a sure sign of insanity somewhere. Better to just bite the bullet and see Matt. Bad vibes or not, there was no way they could rebuild their relationship at all if they started avoiding one another.
He walked slowly towards the room at the end of the corridor and winced as the so-called music grew louder. He couldn't understand how anyone could stand to listen to that racket; he had to be getting old. That was never a fun thought, old... terrifying.
He stopped at the edge of what had been machine shop four; a spherical section of the Excalibur had been cut out when Petty Officer Firlotte had jumped the Dragonfly to escape the Amsus. There had been a lot of work to repair the damage done, but the hole was still gaping and fresh, the sections of deck plates cut cleanly, new pipes welded criss-crossing the hole. Yet another wound the great lady had received serving the Empire.
He found himself standing in the other machine shop, suppressing his own need to shiver at the memories of what Lex Talionis had done to him in a machine shop. His muscles ached, and he mentally had to force himself to take a step inside, pausing as he frowned at the scattered parts that littered the floor of the room. Some of it looked vaguely familiar - he couldn't make out what was being dismantled, but whatever it had been, it looked vaguely important.
Edward himself was on his back underneath the body of the Dragonfly, making a few improvements as he tinkered with its new auto cannons, feet tapping in time to the pounding bass emanating from the sound system, butt wiggling ever so slightly. He looked ridiculous but sort of precious at the same time. Darien felt a wave of sudden emotion sweep over him and had to swallow against a sudden lump in his throat. No, he was not going to let his issues wreck the best thing in his life, not when that thing was sitting - all right, lying - right here in front of him.
He took a step into the room and cleared his throat.
Edward pushed himself out to look for the intruder in his domain. His blue short-sleeved bowling shirt with its white Matt name patch was a homage to mechanics throughout the ages and suited him so much better than a uniform ever could. His undershirt, once white, was stained with oil and grime from a hundred different jobs and repairs, an ambitious hole working its way through the front. One cheek still had a streak of dirt across it and apparently he'd been welding at some point because the goggles were still shoved up on his forehead. He looked almost exactly the way he had when they had first met.
It was the dark circles under Edward's eyes that showed that Darien wasn't the only one suffering from insomnia.
Darien smiled softly. "Hey."
A hundred different emotions flashed across Edward's face in the space of about ten seconds before he finally settled on cautious neutrality. "Hey."
"What're you working on?" Darien gestured with his spoon.
His throat worked. And again, there was no hiding the hesitation before he answered. "Uh, y'know. Stuff."
"Stuff."
"Yeah. Stuff." The 'you wanna make something of it?' went unsaid.
Darien sighed and scooped out another mouthful of ice cream. "You're up late."
"So're you."
"Actually, this is me waking up too early."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
It was awkward. Look up a definition of 'strained silence' in the Amsus Abridged Dictionary and there'd be a picture of the two of them standing right next to it.
"Want to come up with me to the VR?"
It was an off-the-cuff offer and Edward blinked in surprise. "Huh?"
"You. Me. Vulture's Row," he reiterated. "I was heading up there anyway and you look like you could use a break." Edward seemed ready to turn him down when Darien brandished the carton for him. "I have ice cream."
There was another visible struggle before Edward finally sighed, resigned, acting as if this were a mighty sacrifice for him. "All right, all right. Let me shut things down here so the ship doesn't catch on fire or anything."
Darien nodded and watched as he shuffled tools into one pile, doodads into another, and his music discs into a box in the back. Darien grinned, hoping that Edward could find everything in that growing pile, because Darien would have no clue. Organized disorder was never really his thing, yet Elias thrived on it.
Pulling off his goggles, Edward tossed them onto a work bench, scrubbing his face and pushing his hair back and up so that only a couple of strands fell rebelliously across his forehead. He stopped as his hands closed over Darien's glasses. It had taken him hours to repair them and he turned back to him, handing them across without a word. His face neutral, they walked together.
Darien looked down at the wire rimmed glasses. The lenses were perfect and polished, even the bend from where he had slammed them down onto the CIC table had been straightened. It was that intimate attention to detail, not because it had to be done, but because they were Darien's, that showed that, even when angry, Edward loved him.
They walked to Vulture's Row without speaking, clambering up the ladder and out into the windowed observation area, taking a couple of the chairs - neither too far nor uncomfortably close. Darien handed Edward the ice cream silently. There seemed to be a general lack of communication going on between the two of them.
Darien kind of wished that Edward would say something completely at random just so that they could get a conversation going. But, no, it seemed as if Darien would have to make the first move. Typical.
"You're still mad at me," Darien said calmly, resting in his chair and watching a recon fighter curving in for a landing.
Edward paused with the spoon halfway to his mouth, looked at the food in his hand, and slowly replaced it back in the carton. "I'm not mad at you."
Liar, Darien's eyes said, and Edward sighed. "All right, yeah, I am. I mean, jeez, Darien, you could have gone a bit easier on me on the bridge when you found out I went after Rikard. I was careful, I did the best I could..."
Darien frowned. "What does that mean?"
"It means I know you love me, like lots. Yeah, the universe will be a little bit darker without me there to light it up, but it's not gonna be any major blow," he shrugged.. "And it's okay for you go charging off at a moment's notice, leaving me to worry... I have feelings too you know!"
"Let me get this straight," Darien said slowly. "You wanted me to go easy on you because I do stupid things, and that makes it okay for you to do them too?"
"Hey, that's not - that isn't what I meant!" Edward ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. "It's not that simple."
"Oh, really? Sounds that simple to me." Darien smiled.
"Look," he huffed angrily, more of Elias poking through the angrier he grew with Darien. "I have to do stuff, important stuff... and I can look after myself, I was out doing stuff before you came along to wreck... all... my... stuff..." Edward scooped another spoonful of ice-cream, on a tear, "You come into my lives, turn everything all upside down and... now I have more stuff to do... and you go stuffing it all up... sorta... you could have cut me some slack."
Darien stared at him for a minute, jaw working as he attempted to come up with a calm, reasoned response.
"You 're...- you 're an idiot!"
So much for calm and reasonable. Edward gaped.
"You think that because you were doing stupid things before I came along, and because we were sleeping together, that I should put all of that aside and not tell you off when you go and do something monumentally dumb? Not only am I your boyfriend, I'm the damn Captain of this damn ship... you're my damn engineer... I'm the boss!"
"Don't go pulling rank on me when we're having an argument, I'm the Immortal Emperor, remember?" Edward glared back across at him, "And anyway, I was not-"
"Bull-shit," Darien spat, "You were so concerned with being the big man, trying to be a hero, you didn't stop to think that maybe you could have been killed. Never mind that when I go out to do things I make sure I have ways out of the situations I am in, and I always have people standing by to help me out. They know what I am going to do, where I am, and I know that I can count on them. Well, I'm sorry that I trod all over your precious freedom to make stupidly suicidal decisions, but I sure as hell am not gonna apologize for being in love with you! And - and give me that!"
He snatched the ice cream out of Edward's hands and stabbed viciously into it with the spoon. When, exactly, had Edward regained Elias's amazing ability to royally tick him off?
"Wait, wait, wait..." Edward shook his head a couple of times, "You do not! You go running off like..." he screwed up his nose, "like Jared Vering!"
"Who the hell is Jared Vering?" Darien asked with a frown.
"He's an Orion action hero," Edward bit out angrily, "Didn't watch much TV, huh? Right, you grew up on Earth. Did you come out wrapped in bubble wrap, or was that taped to you by mommy?"
"Hey," Darien gestured with the spoon, "Leave my mom out of this."
"Momma's boy!" Elias snapped.
"Stop it!" Darien growled, realizing it was probably a mistake to come down here, he should have stayed safely in bed... "Look, just because I don't know who the latest action hero is..."
"It's you," Edward reached out and took the carton back, "Just for the record."
"What?" Darien blinked, caught of guard.
"You, you're the latest action hero. Least you act like it." Edward popped the spoon into his mouth and savoured the rush of chocolate, "That's the reason I didn't tell you where I was going. 'Cause I am the all powerful love god, damnit."
"Love god?"
"Shut up, I had to pick something," Edward sighed, "You can't protect me, not from Rikard. I know you want to, I know you have to and I know it's freaking you out to not be able to do so. But remember you love me, right? Well, there's trust that has to go along with that. Trust to know that maybe I know you can't help me. That by trying, all you'd be doing is holding me back."
"Fuck!" Darien swore in frustration.
Edward looked vaguely shell-shocked at his sudden outburst and spent a couple of minutes trying to come up with a response. When he did, all he could manage was, "I didn't even think you knew words like 'Fuck.'"
Darien rolled his eyes. "Grow up, Matty."
"What, like you?" Edward retorted, folding his arms, "Momma's boy."
Darien winced, reclaiming the ice cream and the spoon. "Low blow."
"Yeah, sorry." Edward bit his lip. "I'm not saying that I don't want you looking out for me."
"I know." Darien replied.
"But I'm not scared of death either," Edward admitted. "I grew up around it, y'know? I mean, yeah, you know I'm not gonna go out of my way to get killed or anything, but if it happens, hey, it happens. Just the way the universe works."
Darien looked up sadly and repeated, "I know."
"Do you?" Edward tilted his head to the side, giving what Lauren had once dubbed his 'curious puppy' look. "When you're on the bridge you don't seem to have a whole lot to worry about."
"I get scared, just like you." Darien replied.
"No, you don't."
"Trust me, I do."
"No, not like me." Edward said firmly, "I'm...different now. Like I was scared with Rikard... I was, honest..."
"How did you deal with it?" Darien asked, handing the ice cream back over.
"I can't tell you." Edward said, accepting the carton.
"Can't or won't?" Darien inquired.
"Can't." At Darien's disgruntled expression, Edward sighed. "It's not you. Well, it is, but it's not you specifically. I mean ... blech. I'm screwing this up." He popped another scoop of ice cream in his mouth and started over. "Explaining to you how I can do certain things, it's ... it's like taking someone who's been blind their whole life and trying to explain to them what blue is."
Darien opened his mouth, closed it, and frowned thoughtfully. "Huh?"
"Exactly."
"Is that how everything is for you?"
"Kind of." Edward shrugged, passing the carton and spoon back. "I just operate differently than humans do, than most other species do, really. It's not good or bad, just... well, different."
After a quiet pause, Edward drew a leg up onto his chair and laced his fingers over his knee, resting his chin on top of them. "I think that's the closest I've ever gotten to actually figuring out what I am now."
"Really?" Darien asked.
"Yeah. You know," Edward shrugged his narrow shoulders, "I didn't come with a users' manual... Well I did, all constructs do... but I'm pretty sure I lost it when I was a kid... we moved a lot. But that's beside the point, the ascension didn't come with a users' manual..."
"You know... that manual would come in handy," Darien grinned, licking the spoon and going back for more, "You know, get more... performance outta my toys..."
"Careful," Edward warned, grinning, "your toy doesn't appreciate being objectified. But about being scared..." he shrugged, "Some of my Granddad's best officers were scared. But he always knew how to push them beyond their capabilities, like he knew they were capable of more than they thought they were." He sighed. "Like you do with all of us."
"You think so?"
"No, not really," Edward grinned, "Helps me a little, though."
"That's what I thought." Darien laughed.
Darien offered him the ice cream again and Edward accepted it. He munched silently for a minute, before taking a look at the side of the container. "Isn't this one of Lauren's self-cooling cartons?"
"Yep."
"You raided her secret stash, didn't you?"
"Yep."
Darien handed him the spoon and Edward leaned over and grabbed another bite. "She's gonna be pissed."
"We'll blame it on the Amsus, claim it was a matter of the Empire or ice-cream," Darien smiled as Edward gave the spoon back and they began to alternate every other mouthful.
Darien frowned. "Why do we still call it her secret stash, anyway? We all know about it."
"Kyr doesn't," Edward chimed up, "He'd pitch a fit if he knew we had this stuff on ship."
"Well, okay, except for Doctor Kyr," Darien replied, laughing.
"I don't know. I think it gives her an illusion of control over us," Edward grinned, "Like she has something none of the rest of us do..."
Darien snorted. "I found the stash the first week she was aboard R-403, and then when she came on Excalibur... it's the worst kept secret... ever."
"Hey, far be it from me to destroy her fantasies," Edward smiled.
They shared a smirk and for a second time that evening, Darien found that his eyes were burning, that edge-of-tears feeling again. How long had it been since they had just done that? Just sat as two guys and just talked? He found he'd really missed it. Jut being there with that short, annoying, engineer talking about nothing in particular - there were no illusions now, he loved him, and that was it, plain and simple.
He had once told Lauren, back when all of it had began, that he didn't know if Edward was cut out for the life they were all leading. But now, sitting with his boyfriend in sweats and a t-shirt, ice cream slowly melting, he couldn't possibly see any other outcome.
And that was a good thing indeed.
"You're wearing my shirt," Edward commented, his eyes lighting up mirthfully, pointing to the shirt Darien was wearing, a little snug on his broader frame. It looked good, though. "You're so my bitch!"
"Excuse me?" Darien coughed a choked laugh.
"Well, I'm like the Immortal Emperor now, and so that makes you my queen, bi-atch." he laughed at Darien's shocked expression.
Darien smiled quietly, shaking his head. "Matty, you're something else."
"I know," Edward nodded, scraping the bottom of the carton and looking up at Darien looking back at him. He blushed. "What? Did I get some on my chin?"
Darien shook his head and smiled. "Nope."
Edward scooped out the remains of their snack. "Want the last bite?" he offered.
"That's alright. You take it." Darien said softly.
Edward slipped the spoon into his mouth and stood up. "Well, I should get back to work..."
Darien stood, reaching out a hand to catch Edward by the collar of his blue shirt, tugging him back and into his arms, pressing his lips to the nape of Edward's soft neck, breathing in the smells he loved so much, feeling the warmth up close to him. How much had he just missed that closeness?
"Okay," Edward chuckled in relief, turning in Darien's arms, "I'll stay a little while longer, just 'cause you want me to."
"Stay forever," Darien insisted.
"You're afraid of being alone," Edward said after a pause, looking up into Darien's eyes, reading him for a change, "Pop quiz."
"O-okay?" Darien replied, his hands slipping to rest on Edward's hips.
"When's my birthday?" He asked with a smile.
"You're a Pisces, February twenty-seventh." Darien smiled, "At least according to your grandfather's log book."
"Hmmm, okay, so that was a lucky guess," Edward looked thoughtful, "Here is a hard one, what's my favourite tool?"
"Aside from me?" Darien grinned.
"Well, you are a tool... but that's beside the point," Edward nodded, "What is my favourite tool and why?"
Darien nodded. "The one you use all the time is a spot welder, but your favourite one is a wrench, 'cause it doubles as a hammer when you get annoyed."
Edward reached his arms up and encircled Darien's neck, still refusing to lean into the kiss. "What's our most intimate moment?"
"To you, or to me?" Darien asked pointedly.
"To you," Edward smiled, "You don't know mine, least I've never told you." His fingers brushed Darien's ear.
"All right," Darien said after a moment, "Dancing."
"Dancing?" Edward blinked, "But we only danced together, like, once, at the..."
"You are amazing when you dance," Darien said, "That night on Karin for the state dinner, when we were dancing together."
"You were worried that they were all looking at you," Edward flushed.
"No, they were looking at you," Darien said calmly, "You knew every step I was going to make, you just knew it, even the ones where I made mistakes."
"You have two left feet, someone had to make us look good..." Edward grinned.
"You were so in time with me, and I felt so awkward, that I wasn't good enough to be dancing with you. But you didn't care, you made it... us... look so natural that night." Darien shrugged and sighed. "You always make us look so easy."
"No," Edward reached up to kiss Darien lightly on the lips, "Nothing about us is easy. But I know you love me."
"Oh you know do you?" Darien chuckled, glancing up at the window as a dropship touched down on the deck, back from a last salvage run to the Yeji-Sola station. The deck crew, in their rainbow coloured space suits, guided the heavy ship towards the plane elevator.
"Yeah," Edward said, tilting his head to look into Darien's eyes again, "Whenever you just have to touch me. Not sex, though you like touching me there too. Just, you always like to touch me. That and you're silly when you're possessive..."
"That's..." Darien began.
"Shh!" Edward snapped, "Always with the interrupting. It's the things you do for me, the little things you do without noticing it. Like you once replaced the batteries in my tools..."
"They were flat," Darien shrugged.
"But you didn't have to do that," Edward insisted, "Okay, okay what about the bed?"
"Well..."
"Shh!" Edward set his jaw and put a finger on Darien's lips, "Again with the interrupting, one word, ball-gag!"
"That's two words, isn't it?"
"It's hyphenated, so it can go either way... so shut up all ready." He pulled close to Darien. "The bed, middle of the night, when I steal the afghan..."
"You always steal the blanket..." Darien smiled, "It's not love..."
"It is when you started tucking me into it when you think I'm not awake. You love that ratty thing..." Edward grinned, "And you always give it to me without a fuss..."
"You and the books," Darien said after a moment, "You buy me books like clockwork every June third..."
"Our anniversary," Edward said with a smile.
"It's what?" Darien pulled back a bit, "But... you never said anything..."
"It's the day we met," Edward said, smiling shyly, "You just don't remember 'cause you're forgetful. Want to know why I buy you books?"
"Okay, why?" Darien said with a smile.
"Because your eyes light up like a little kid's whenever you get a new one," Edward beamed, "It's like I get to see the fun-loving baby Dar that's all shy and isn't smothered by the dork side of you."
"You're still a bastard." Darien re-iterated.
"Promise me something?"
"Anything."
"I want to sleep with you, like, now..." Edward said with a hopeful grin.
"I thought I was cut off?" Darien chuckled.
"Consider this a temporary reprieve of your sentence for being such a jerk," Edward nodded, "Besides..." he flashed his most powerful puppy dog look, "I really, really, really wanna!"
Darien nodded and kissed him.
Edward smirked. "You're still my bitch!"