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"... it’s in your DNA..."

"If You Were Gay" - John Tartaglia, Rick Lyon -- Soundtrack Avenue Q

There was an immediate change in my perception of my relationship with Star. I could feel the difference every time I looked at him. I’d always been a little jealous of Vaira, now it was like she almost didn’t matter. She could never change what Star and I were to each other. I was sure nothing could ever come between us now.

That idyllic feeling lasted for about a week.

I’d spent the night with Star and Vai, first having a nice dinner that was cooked by Kareinon and playing with the kids, then making love with both Vai and Star and falling asleep in their big bed. Next morning, Vai had gotten up early for some reason and left Star and I alone. I’d have had a morning quickie in mind except I knew the kids were there and would hear us, one way or the other, so I dozed off again... only to find myself back in the dream of the tower room on Lecurela where Number One and the scientists always took me to perform their "tests." It was doubly macabre to be able to see the sky outside the high windows and yet be trapped inside, unable to escape. I woke with a strangled scream in my throat, glad to see Star sitting in a chair by the bed.

"Are you all right?" he asked in a cool tone.

I nodded. "I sometimes have dreams about the testing they did when I was small." I looked up at him. "Do you ever have bad dreams?"

He turned away. "They only did what was necessary then to insure our fitness to rule."

I sat up and threw off the covers. "So that justifies torturing a child?" I asked, my voice growing tight.

"It wasn’t torture," he said reprovingly, "only tests. We were an unknown quantity." He met my eyes, his dark and unfathomable. "We still are. No one knows what we might do or become; all those of our blood are in question. It is important that tests be performed, that records be kept..."

I’d had enough. "They aren’t test subjects, Star, they’re your children... and mine! How can you let that woman even touch them, let alone...." I had a sudden sinking feeling. "Suria still ‘tests’ you too, doesn’t she. Are there mental tests? Truth serums? Do you tell her everything? Did you tell her about our time together in the Arctic?" I felt blood rise to my cheeks. "Did you tell her how you let me fuck you? And what about your theory about me, what you and I discovered about my genetic makeup?" I was standing in front of him now, looming over him, stark naked and not giving a damn about it. "Did you tell Suria, Star? Because you know that everything you tell her she relays to them!"

He seemed to shrink in front of me and looked down at the floor. "They mean us no harm, Evan. Suria is my friend. Yes, I tell her everything."

I felt so angry I thought I might explode, bring the house and everyone in it down with me. How could he be so good, so powerful and intelligent, and yet so trusting of people who cared for him only as a lab rat, a product of their sainted experiments! Would they even allow him his planned ascendancy to the throne in the years to come? Or did they indeed plan to see him as Emperor... with the three of them in the wings pulling the strings that made him move however they wanted?

Star pressed his lips together, and for a moment a look of such pain came over his face that I lost my anger in a flood of fear for him. Then he took in a deep breath, and the pain on his face was gone, as though it had never been. "I did not tell Suria what we found in your DNA, Evan. It is not my story to tell." His voice was soft now.

"Star," I dropped to my knees in front of him, taking his hands and then pulling him out of the chair and into my arms. His body was feather light against me, soft and boneless. "I love you more than life, my brother," I said. "But I don’t understand you."

He laughed softly, his chest convulsing against mine in what was more like a sob. "Dear Evan. I don’t understand myself."

Then the bedroom door flew open and Lana and Mari came running in, excited over the weatherman’s prediction of snow and demanding we find their sleds and skis immediately. Star picked up the happily squealing Lana and tossed her in the air as, still naked, I grabbed Mari. She laughed and poked a finger at my nipple. "Why do boys have nipples, Uncle Evan?" she asked, her small brow creased in puzzlement. "Can you have babies too?"

"I don’t need to have a baby," I told her, mentally putting on jeans and a T-shirt, "I have you!" And I tossed her after her sister.

The snow arrived early, and the day became one long party for us and the kids, complete with snowball fights and hot chocolate. I had no time to contemplate my conversation with Star until I was alone at my own place that night.

But it made no more sense to me then. Star was the chosen one... the birthmark on his shoulder proved that. Perhaps it was me that didn’t understand the necessities faced by a ruler-to-be, since that was no longer my fate. Star was the most perfect, the most powerful person I knew... and, however my guts argued against it, I had to trust him.

* * *

I didn’t keep my median state a complete secret. I told Zee, because I knew instinctively that I could trust her. I told CD too, and he didn’t seem particularly surprised.

After a while it ceased to seem like a big deal. It was just the way I was. I happened to mention something about it to Grace on one of my trips to his bar in New York City and was surprised when it seemed to piss him off.

"What do you mean, you were never really gay?" He sat up straight in his chair, his big hands tensing on the table in front of him.

"Well," I said, wondering what I might have said when I was relaxed and not paying attention. He was only human, and here was the penalty for treating Grace as though he were family. "I mean I’m kind of like... both sexes."

He blinked. "You mean like a hermaphrodite?" He laughed. "I never noticed anything unusual about your equipment."

Shit. "Um... the doctors just discovered it, and it’s sort of... on the inside... mostly...." I trailed off. How in the fuck was I going to explain this to Grace, now that I’d let the cat out of the bag and put my foot in it?

"So, you seem awfully happy to find out you’re bisexual, Evan. You think there’s something wrong with being gay now?"

I held up my hands. "Shit, Grace. I was only trying to share my feelings. It’s hell not knowing who you are. Was I sorry when I thought I was gay? No fucking way! The two men I’ve loved most in my life were exclusively gay, and I’ve never loved a woman the way I loved them, even though I’ve now had sex with a few women."

He sniffed and picked up his glass. "Just making sure. I’m glad you finally know who you are, Evan. You know you’re one of my favorite people." He took a sip of his martini and then leaned closer. "And one of the sweetest bottoms I’ve ever been with."

I grinned. "Thanks, Grace. I love you too." I reached under the table and squeezed his thigh.

"And, Evan," he went on, "you don’t have to pretend with me. I know there’s something different about you. I’ve thought that for a long time."

I was on guard again. "Different?"

"Yeah." He looked around, but there was no one near our table, and the music was loud. "You’re not... from around here, are you." It wasn’t a question.

"What?" I sputtered. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? Ever since that farce about Area 51, some people had been talking more seriously about aliens.

"Yeah, and I don’t mean I think you’re from Jersey. You’re one of them, aren’t you? From up there?" He pointed a finger toward the ceiling.

"Grace," I started, "how... why would you say that?"

"Oh, I dunno. Maybe because you look even younger than the first day I met you, over ten years ago?"

Shit, fuck, piss, damn. "Grace..."

He put the pointing finger to his lips. "Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me. Besides, you’re not the only one like you that I know...."

"What?!" I exploded.

"Shhh...." he said. "We’ll say no more about it. I can keep a secret."

And, no matter how I badgered him, he wouldn’t say another word.