He finally asked me to go somewhere with him. I think Murray Schultz is about the cutest and nicest guy on campus. He used to be fat, but he isn't anymore. He looks good. Very good. I am a freshman at Beachside High School, and Murray is a sophomore. Ordinarily, our paths wouldn't cross, but we're both on the debate team of the school. We're novices, which means it's our first year, so we spend more time together than we spend with the JV and Varsity teams. One day in mid-April, Murray asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch with him and some other guys. I'm gay, and I strongly suspected that Murray is, too. I finally asked him if he is, and he said "yes." He asked me if I'm gay, and I told him I thought I might be. Might be? Shoot, I've known I'm gay since I was ten years old. There isn't any question in my mind, but you never know how somebody will take that. Of course, since he's gay, he'd probably take it well. My brother knows, and my parents know, too. None of them have ever confronted me about it, which is just fine with me, but they have to know. They aren't stupid people. I show all the classic signs. My brother was the first one to say something about it to me the day Murray was at my house for the first time. I was packing up some clothes to spend the weekend at Murray's house. My brother came into my room, uninvited, I might add, and basically said he knew I was gay. I bowed up at him. Why? I was gay. I am gay. And he was very accepting. Why did I do that? The weekend at Murray's house was wonderful. We just did normal "guy" stuff. We swam, shot pool, skied, used their jet skis, played with their dogs, who are incredible, by the way. Ping pong. The whole thing. But everybody who was there was gay. I wasn't the only one. I had a lot of gay boys around me, and that made me feel really good. I knocked on my brother Mike's door when I got home Sunday night. "Just a minute," he said, and I figured he must have had porn up on his computer screen or something. "Come in," he said. "Shit, I didn't know it was you. I thought it was Mom or Dad." "No. It's me," I said. "Aaron, I felt like shit after what went down Friday afternoon. I wasn't putting you down in the least, man. I would never do that. You're the only little brother I'll ever have, and I love you, man," he said. "I know. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. But I am gay. I didn't choose to be gay, and I can't do anything about it," I said. "I know that. That's what I was trying to tell you. I probably should have done it in private, like right now. It's okay to be gay. I know that. Kyle Goodson is gay, and he runs the fucking Beach Rat fraternity. Skeeter McGhee is the president, but Kyle really runs it. Let me tell you something about those McGhees. They are incredibly nice guys, but they're dumb. Both of 'em," Mike said. "Let me tell you about the weekend," I said. "Okay. Did you and Murray have sex?" he asked. "No. Not really. I squirted once, though," I said. He laughed. "You've got to get that under control," Mike said. "I know. But shut up about that. I learned this weekend that being gay really is okay. Mikey, those guys are so nice and so kind and so . . . I don't know," I said. "I know what you're saying. They're just guys, aren't they?" he asked. "Yeah. They're just guys. There were jokes about being gay and all of that, but it just seemed so natural. So normal," I said. "Did you think gay guys aren't natural and normal?" Mike asked. "I did until this weekend," I said. "Let's go tell Mom and Dad, okay?" he said. "Tell them what?" I asked, terrified all of a sudden. "Tell 'em you're gay. I fucking guarantee you, Baby, they're not going to have a problem with it at all," he said. "You called me 'Baby' just now. You haven't called me that in years," I said. "I know. I didn't realize it, though. But you're my baby brother, and nothing can change that," he said. "Will you stand by me when I tell them?" I asked. "I'll do better than that. I'll hold your hand," he said. My big brother and I marched out into our family room, hand-in-hand. I told my parents that I'm gay, and the general reaction from them was something like, "Oh, thank God you finally realize who you are." It totally blew me away. We stayed up for a long time talking about it. I told them all about Murray and about what an incredible guy he is, and they were all smiles. I think I have a boyfriend, and my parents are totally cool with it.
The second semester is barreling to a close. It's already late April, and I'm fucking graduating from community college on May 8th. What is this all about? Where is time going? I mean, it's like I just graduated from high school, but me and Justin Davis are going to graduate from the fucking college. "Kyle, are you going to be embarrassed that I'm going to be the speaker at your graduation?" my daddy asked me. "No, sir. That's going to be a proud moment for me. Just don't talk about how cute I was when I was a little boy, okay?" I said. He laughed. "What if I talk about how cute you are now?" he asked. "I'll keel over. I'll die," I said. "If that's what you want, then say it, Daddy. I think I'm good with Jesus, and I'm ready to go to heaven." He laughed so hard, I thought he was going to need oxygen. He was only in his early forties, but a lot of men die then. Not usually laughing to death at their son, but you never know. "I'd never tell them I think you're cute. They'd think I was queer," he said. He and I were still laughing hard. "I know. I have suspected that about you for a long time, anyway," I said. He and I both laughed our asses off. "Let me tell you something. I'm so proud of the gay men I know, I can't even put it into words. That includes you, and you have made me proudest of them all," he said. I knew he felt that way, but it was the first time I had heard him say it. That was so awesome to me. * * * The last part of April rocked along into May. Before we knew it, it was time for graduation from Emerald Coast Community College. I thought the graduation of me and Justin was going to upstage the graduation of Tim and Brian from Beachside, and I didn't want that at all. I mean, I had had my day in the sun, and Tim deserved his. As it turned out, though, the two graduations were about a month apart. Not quite, but three weeks, anyway, so mine and Justin's was ancient history by the time Beachside graduated. Daddy gave a good talk at the ceremony for us, too. I am under strict orders from my son, your classmate Kyle Goodson, and my honorary son, your classmate Justin Davis, to keep this short, he started out saying, and I know how to obey orders. That part he said in the Grumble, and my fraternity brothers went wild. Then he switched to regular English. The whole talk only lasted about ten minutes, which was fine. He talked about the mission of the college in the community, especially to enhance tolerance and diversity. The black kids probably thought he was talking about them, and the queers all thought he was talking about us. I reckon he was talking about both. He also talked about the importance of community service and opening our minds, hearts, and lives to others in need. I figured that was for Kevin and Rick. He mentioned the role of the college foundation in providing funds for scholarships and other stuff, and he encouraged people to join it and to donate to it. Except for the part right at the beginning, he left me and Justin out of it, and that was good. I thought he could talk mighty well, and the whole thing ended with a standing ovation. We had us a big party after that was over. There was no telling how many people came to the house, and we had the whole thing on the patio and in the clubhouse. Kevin or Rick or somebody had made arrangements for a couple of bartenders from one of the hotels, and the food was catered, too. It was quite a celebration, as much for my daddy as for Justin and me. Even the president of the college came, and my whole damn fraternity was there. The grown-ups were out of there by eleven o'clock, and then the kids got naked and into the pool. Boys and girls alike. We had us a good time, too. Then it was time for the AP exams. The second and third weeks of May were when those tests were held, and Tim, Brian, Denny, and Murray pretty much stayed churned up over them. I hadn't taken any AP in high school, but they took a whole bunch of those courses and exams. Brian had already made him a 5 on the junior English test without taking the course, and he took the senior English test, too, just for the hell of it, and Tim took it too because he had taken the course. Brian and Tim both took the calculus ones. In science, Tim took a couple in physics, and Brian took the one in chemistry. I think they both took the two in government, too, but I'm not sure about that. They took a bunch of 'em, anyway. You had to admire that, I thought. "I feel like the school year's over," Tim said on the night of his last AP exam. It wasn't over, though. For one thing, they still had regular final exams. They didn't have those in classes where they took AP exams, but they did in the other ones. Not only that, but they both had speeches to write. That wasn't really all that hard for them, though, and Denny and Murray worked with them on how to give the speeches to make 'em good. I was really proud of my two boys, and I couldn't wait to hear them give their speeches.
High school was a great experience for me. I worked hard, and I tried to do what the College Board recommends and "exploit the curriculum." What they mean by that is to take challenging courses. So, from the start, I took every honors course I could fit into my schedule. I also took all the Advanced Placement and Dual Enrollment courses that I could, and I studied. I was very lucky that Brian was at my side through a lot of that, and he and I encouraged each other when we sometimes just wanted to say, "to hell with it." Prom was a lot more fun than I had expected it to be. Since it was going to be the only high school prom that Brian would get to go to, he talked Justin into going with him as his "companion" for the evening. What that really meant was that Justin, and Kyle, too, for that matter, were just part of the group of friends who did stuff together for prom. Again this year we had a big sleepover at Kyle's condo for all of our friends, and that, to me, was the best part. Justin and Brian looked magnificent in their tuxes, and I didn't think Kyle and I looked half bad in ours, either. I guess people tend to get sentimental around graduation, and I was no exception. One of the things I kept thinking about was all the great support I have had from Kyle, Kevin, and Rick. I know that being gay is an important part of my life, but it's just that for me, a part. For a lot of people -- and I mean a whole lot more than you might imagine -- being gay or lesbian or bi seems to consume their lives. "Is there some kind of epidemic going on, Bri?" I asked Brian one day about a week before graduation. He grinned that cute grin of his. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "It just seems like a whole lot of people are coming out as gay or bi or lesbian. Have you noticed that?" I asked. "You know, I was thinking about that the other day, and, yeah, you're right. And they stay in such turmoil about it all the time," he said. "I know. People get boyfriends for a week, and they're ready to move on to somebody else. And they stay depressed about it, too, it seems. I've started reading Xanga blogs of a lot of the queer kids at Beachside and the other high schools in the county, and sometimes I want to write back and say, 'Look. I'm just as queer as you are, and it doesn't have to keep you in such a mess all the time,'" I said. "They're constantly cheating on the people they're dating, too, and it's like a single erection is the basis of a relationship." "I've looked at a few of those. Some of them are so mean with the comments they write to each other, especially in those Chatterbox things," he said. "It's like they can't feel good about themselves unless they're putting other people down. I've gone back and read some of them from the beginning of when they started writing them, and some of them talk about Sean quite a bit. He was wilder than any of us thought, apparently." "Yeah, I've done the same thing. And are you surprised at how much pot they smoke? You and I have both been to parties where people were smoking, but some of them smoke every day, right in their own houses," I said. Kevin and Rick were in the den with us, but they were both reading. I didn't think they were paying attention, but they evidently were. "Guys, I was listening to what you were saying, and don't you think a lot of what you were talking about is the result of immaturity?" Kevin asked. "I don't think they're any less mature than we are," Brian said. "Oh, please!" Rick said. "You two are about as mature as kids ever get. Give yourselves some credit, guys. I heard what you said about how many kids are out at school and to their friends, and that sort of surprises me." "I've read about that phenomenon," Kevin said. "One theory is that it's kind of like the snowball effect. Having some kids out at school makes it easier for other kids to come out, too. They don't feel as alone or isolated. That Gay-Straight Alliance program has done a lot for that. The Internet has, too. Like those blogs they were talking about." "How'd you discover those, guys?" Rick asked. "I saw a kid in the library at school working on his one day, so I asked him what it was. He told me and emailed me a link to it. From his, I got links to a bunch of other people at our school and the other schools in the county," I said. "Jeff has a couple of links on his to gay kids around here. That's how I found them," Brian said. "How out are you guys at school?" Kevin asked. "I think we're both fully out. Probably me more than Brian because everybody knew Kyle and I were a couple when he was still there. Since Brian's never had a boyfriend that went to that school, it's not as likely that people know about him," I said. "But he's pretty out, too." "I think Denny is out to everybody on the debate team," Brian said. "And, of course, Sean was out to everybody. I don't think Murray's out very much, or Pete or Todd. Especially not Todd." "Well, on balance, I think Beachside is a very tolerant place, and I think the boys in this house have had a lot to do with making it that way," Kevin said. "And, of course, it hasn't hurt that Sally Ortega has a gay son." "Are you sad about graduating, Tim?" Brian asked me. "Maybe a little bit," I said. "When I'm really going to be sad is at the end of the summer." "I know. Me, too," Bri said. "Guys, don't dwell on that, okay?" Kevin said. "You won't be that far away, and you'll be among family over there, too. Let's don't talk about it. Let's focus on the good stuff." "You guys have your big trip to look forward to," Rick said. The four older guys are going to Europe for seventeen days at the beginning of June, and we're all excited about it. "I know," Brian said. "Did you ever get a passport?" Rick asked Brian. "Yes, sir," Bri said. "Kyle took the picture for it. I think it turned out pretty good, too. He took about forty shots to get it." In a few minutes the room filled up with guys from the house. It was late Friday afternoon, and Kyle and I were going to one of the several graduation parties my friends were having. We'd have a party the night of graduation, but the parties had started the weekend before so everybody who wanted to give one had time to get it in. After graduation, during Grad Week, a lot of people would be staying in condos on the beach with their friends, so the house parties that parents wanted to give had to come before the big day. * * * Brian and I each had only one final exam, and that was on Monday. Graduation was Thursday night. That day there was the Senior Breakfast in the school cafeteria, and they marched us all out to the stadium after breakfast for graduation practice. In the four years I've been at Beachside, every year there has been a big debate about where to hold graduation. We could have it in the Civic Center auditorium downtown on the city marina, in the school's fine arts auditorium, or in the school's stadium. The obvious advantage to having it in an auditorium is that it would be air conditioned. The obvious disadvantage, though, is that seating is very limited, so each graduate could only invite a handful of people. In the stadium it would be hot, but there is almost no limit to the number of people who could come. But, if it rained, which it does quite a bit in Emerald Beach, the ceremony would have to be moved to the school auditorium at the last minute. Once again this year, the seniors voted to have it in the stadium. The practice lasted about an hour and a half, but Brian and I had to stay after to practice giving our speeches. We had practiced them a bunch of times already with several of the speech teachers, but that was the only chance we had to practice them where we were going to actually give them. They were supposed to be no longer than five minutes each, but I think his and mine were each closer to four minutes long. After practice, we had our final lunch of high school at the Starfish Motel Restaurant. School was already out for the summer, but all the guys came back for lunch. Mom and Pop Sullivan did it up really big, and they had gifts for each of us who was graduating. Brian and I, along with Reid and Wade from next door, bought them a gift to say "thank you" for being so nice to us for so long. It was pretty damn emotional all the way around, and there were so many tears that it looked more like a funeral than it did a celebration. We spent that afternoon basically packing and getting our clothes ready for us to leave for Europe the following Tuesday. That night, the graduation ceremony went very well. There was no rain, and there was even a nice sea breeze to help out. It was still plenty hot, especially in those gowns, but nobody fainted from the heat. Jeff and Tony had rigged up a recorder on stage to get an audio tape of the whole thing, but especially of our speeches. The salutatorian went first, and he gave a nice speech. Then it was Brian's turn, and he did fabulously. He's got a pretty deep voice, and his presentation and delivery were perfect. The whole mob of our people, who included all of our brothers from the house, the Townhouse Boys, the New Orleans relatives, Kyle's parents, my parents, and about twenty of our friends, gave Brian a standing ovation when he finished. I felt so proud of my brother that I had tears in my eyes. Then it was my turn. If Kyle had been giving that speech, he would have had them laughing in the aisles. As it was, I managed to get a mild chuckle out of the graduates and faculty on one line, but that was it. It went well, though, and I got a standing ovation from all my people, and from the graduates and faculty, as well. I was thrilled. Brian would have gotten one, too, if he had been a senior. I just know it. Once it was over, we spent about another hour milling around on the field, going to homeroom to pick up our diplomas, and saying goodbye to our friends. My homeroom teacher was our friend, and everybody's favorite math teacher, Mike Lawley, and he hugged me tightly when we said goodbye. Of course, Mike was going to be at the house for the party when that was over, but still. That was nice. The party? Well, it was another big success. Wonderful food, dancing, great conversation, pool for those who wanted to play, video games. The usual. Once the ladies left, the guys who were still there stripped down for swimming. It was good. "Son, I don't think it would be possible for me to be prouder of you than I am right now," my dad said at dinner. He and Mr. Gene, and their ladies, were at the table with Grandma and Grandpa Foley, Kyle, Justin, Brian, and me. When Kyle figured out the seating, I had wanted him to put Kevin and Rick at our table instead of Kevin's parents, but he said those two had to be spread around. I didn't know why, but I didn't argue. He knows about that kind of thing much better than I do. "You boys are both quite good orators," Grandpa said. "I'd like to have a copy of that tape, if I may." "Yes, sir. Jeff said he's going to put it on a CD and make a bunch of copies. He wants to edit it so that it's just the speeches," I said. "He's quite good with technology, isn't he?" my dad said. "He's a very fine young man, that's for sure. In lots of ways," Mr. Gene said. "We're very proud of him and Tyler. And, of course, of Kyle and Tim, too." "Isn't it remarkable how things have worked out for all of us?" Dad said. "You all realize it was the tragedy of September 11th that brought us all together, don't you?" "For heaven's sake, George. I hadn't really thought of that, but it's true. Of course, I can't help thinking our boys would have found each other regardless," Miss Rita said. "Well, they actually knew each other before I had to leave for the ship, but so much has stemmed from the fact that I had to be away and Tim stayed with Kevin and Rick. I regret that I wasn't here to watch our boys fall in love and become a couple, but I also sometimes wonder if I would have permitted it. By the time I got home, they were so deeply in love that I knew there was no standing in the way of them. They would either love each other at my side or love each other estranged from me. I made the right decision to back down," Doc said. "Really, you know that having Justin and Brian here is a direct outcome of that, too, Doc," Kyle said. "If Kevin and Rick hadn't already proved that they could raise a kid when we met Justin, the state might not have let him stay here. Or Brian, either. What's the name of that guy? You know, the one with the beard?" "Abraham Lincoln," Justin said, straight-faced. "Not him. The one from Afghanistan," Kyle said. "Osama bin Laden," Mr. Gene said. "He might be a devil, but even as bad as he is, he couldn't keep good things from happening," Kyle said. "Maybe so, Son, but don't ever lose sight of the first part of what you said, about him being a devil. And the worst kind, too," Mr. Gene said. "Oh, I know, Daddy. I've been to Ground Zero, remember? I won't ever forget that, and I won't ever forget what I was doing when those planes crashed into the World Trade Center," Kyle said. "Kyle, that's probably the defining moment of your generation," Grandpa said. "For me it was when President Kennedy was killed. I was a junior in high school in Latin class when we heard the news at school. I'll never forget that." "For me it would have to be the Challenger disaster, I guess. Rita and I were well out of school, but that had the same effect on me. Clay and Kyle were just babies at the time. I remember Nixon's resignation, too, but I was only fifteen when that happened. I'm not sure I had a real clear grasp of who he even was, at that time," Mr. Gene said. "Back to the point of earlier about bin Laden. Gene, I couldn't agree more that he's a devil. Maybe even the Devil. But the love and joy in this family could only have come from God, not from the Devil. It proves the point that I've believed all my life, that good can come out of evil, especially where love is involved," Grandma said. "Well said, Beth. Very well said," Sonya said. * * * The next morning, we packed up the boat to go to Dune Island for the weekend. It was boys and dogs, and it took us three trips to get everybody and everything over there. Before long, the beach would be crawling with summer tourists, and the ferry out to the island would be in full operation. This was our last chance for naked camping, and we wanted to take full advantage of it. Kyle and Justin had been out of school and working full time for about three weeks, but they took time off for the camping trip. We were leaving Tuesday morning for Europe, but our brother Todd was leaving Monday for Texas and a return to his mother and sisters. His parents had gotten a divorce, and his dad had moved into an apartment. His mom wanted him home with her, and I couldn't blame her for that. But it was going to be sad to see Todd go. Besides the eight brothers of the house, the group on that camping trip also included John Harrelson, Denny's boyfriend, and Aaron Maas, Murray's boyfriend. Both of those boys had spent a good bit of time at our house, and they had become very good friends of the family. The first night, we played charades, which had become one of our favorite campfire activities, and Murray and Aaron were seated side by side. They weren't even touching, as far as I could tell, but Aaron started getting an erection. "Don't worry about it, Aaron. We're all cool with that, okay?" Kyle said to reassure Aaron. He is the youngest one of us, and I think he and Murray make a precious couple. "I know," Aaron said. "Let's just hope you don't live up to your nickname," Murray said. "Hush!" Aaron said. He looked like he was embarrassed. "What nickname?" Kyle asked. "Let's change the subject," Aaron said, and by then he was very embarrassed. "Don't be embarrassed, Aaron. It's just us. What's the nickname?" Kyle asked again. "He don't want to talk about it, Goodson, so shut the fuck up before I have to knock those teeth down your throat," Justin said. "All right, Davis. Lighten the fuck up," Kyle said. "Whose turn is it? Todd, I think it's your turn." "I pass," Todd said. "You can't pass, Todd. Now get up there," Kyle said. Then, "Oh, shit. You, too?" Todd also had an erection. "Yes," Todd said, only he giggled a little. Then, without warning, Aaron shot his load. He was sitting yoga style, and he shot clear across his folded legs. Not to be outdone, Todd let his loose about a second later. Neither of them had touched themselves, nor had anybody else touched them. "Y'all be careful you don't drown the fire," Justin said, totally deadpan. That made everybody laugh, of course. "My nickname is Squirt," Aaron said. Well, that broke everybody up. "It looks like it fits, too," Kyle said. "Todd, you're the Big Squirt and Aaron's the Little Squirt, although it wasn't really all that little." Aaron started crying. "Hey, Bubba. Don't cry. I was just teasing you," Kyle said. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "You didn't hurt my feelings," Aaron said. "And I know you were teasing me. Don't you see?" "No, Aaron, I'm afraid I don't," Kyle said. "Kyle, the reason I told y'all my nickname is because I trust you. I feel totally accepted. I couldn't help what just happened, and I get the feeling you all know that and don't care that it did," Aaron said. "Aaron, I think you're crying what we call happy tears. And, yeah, we do understand because we've all done the same thing. Or at least I have," Kyle said. "Aaron, I did it in church once, sitting right next to my dad," I said. "I do it all the time," Todd said, and he told us about Kyle fixing him up with condoms to wear to avoid wetness and embarrassment. "Oh, so that's why you wanted those condoms that time," Brian said. "That was pretty clever, Kyle." "I might have done that a time or two, but nowadays I can barely get a hard-on," Justin said. "Bullshit," Brian said. "Bullshit? Bullshit? What are you, turning into some kind of potty mouth because you graduated from high school? I'm going to have to wash that mouth out, and it ain't going to be with soap, either," Justin said. That tickled Brian, and he beamed at his lover. By then, I noticed erections or partial erections on several of us. "Let's get in the water and cool off," Kyle said. "We brought plenty of bottled water to wash off the salt, but I'm afraid an orgy is fixing to break out here." We laughed, but we all went into the Gulf. It was already dark, so Brian made the dogs stay on shore. We only stayed in for a few minutes to wash off, as needed, and to cool down. The water was still crystal clear and emerald green, although you really couldn't see the color at night. The rest of the weekend was a blast. Kyle, Brian, Todd, and I set up sanitary latrine facilities, as we had learned to do in the scouts, and we even rigged up a shower of sorts to wash the salt off after we got out of the Gulf. We skied, surfed, swam, skim boarded, snorkeled, and Kyle even taught us how to SCUBA dive a little. We couldn't go out deep, of course, but it was really cool breathing under water. He had borrowed Philip's equipment, so he was always with the one who was learning how to dive. Then there were the beach sports: volleyball, of course, and Frisbee. Strolls along the beach, often holding our boyfriend's hand. We found the fort again, and we staged a mock war. We would wet a handful of sand and mold it into a ball to throw at the "enemy." If you got hit once, you were wounded; if you got hit a second time, you were dead. Some of us tried surf fishing, but we weren't very successful at that. Denny, of all people, caught a decent-sized grouper, so we grilled that up for everybody to taste, at least. Saying goodbye to Todd at the airport on Monday morning was tough. I really don't know him all that well, but I know Kyle loves him. I assume we'll see Todd again in the future, but nobody knows when or under what circumstances. He is one of the most open, unaffected, and nicest people I've ever known, and I am going to miss our Big Squirt a lot. Despite Todd's departure, though, that had been the most idyllic weekend of my life. I felt totally free, totally unfettered, and the nudity helped create that feeling as much as the relief from the pressures of school. I turned eighteen on May 5th, so I am officially an adult, but, in a sense, that weekend was, symbolically at least, my last boyhood adventure. The End
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