Kyle, Tim, Denny, and Murray were all at home when we got there with Sean. Brian was off working with the dogs at Mack Mixon's house, and Justin was finishing out Jeff's shift at the hotel. Kyle had already met Sean, and he must have told the others what was going on. The kids were all eyes when we made the introductions. "Kyle, would you mind making some coffee, please?" Rick asked. "No, problem," Kyle said, as he got up to do it. He was gone for a few minutes, and, when he came back, he had a tray of snacks for us. He knew Tim, Denny, and Murray wouldn't drink any coffee, so he brought them each a bottle of juice. "I know you had some coffee a little while ago. Would you rather have juice or a coke?" he asked Sean. "That juice looks good," Sean said. "I'll get you some when I get the coffee," Kyle said. "How did you get here?" Tim asked. "On a Greyhound bus, and I really don't recommend it," Sean said. "I know what you mean. I didn't go to Disney World for Grad Night last year because they went on a damn bus," Kyle said. We made more small talk until the coffee was ready. When it was, Kyle brought out the pot and cups and spoons for all of us who wanted them. He brought Sean a bottle of juice, too. "Okay, here's what's going to happen," I said, starting the discussion. "We would like for you to live here, Sean, but only if we can work out the legalities. We have a good friend by the name of Mr. Tyrone Williams. He's a supervisor with the Department of Children and Families with the state of Florida. We'll call him and let him know what's going on. He'll know what we have to do next." "When will you call him?" Sean asked. "In a few minutes. We have his cell number if he's already left the office for the day," I said. "In fact, let me go ahead and make the call right now," Rick said. He got up and got the cordless phone that was in the den. He sat back down next to me. He pushed a button to speed dial Tyrone's number. He asked to speak with Tyrone, but he was evidently already gone. "What's his cell phone number?" Rick asked. "Dial TWC," I said. "How can you remember that?" Kyle asked. "They're all programmed alike. The person's initials and C for cell. We use O for office and H for home," I said. "That's pretty cool," Kyle said. "What if you get two with the same initials?" "We'll cross that bridge when and if we come to it," I said. "Tyrone, my man," Rick said when Tyrone answered. Pause. "Well, we've got a little situation on our hands here, Tyrone. Do you know what a blog is?" Pause. "That's right. Jeff Martin keeps one, and he writes a lot about the family, of course. A young man in Virginia is one of his readers, and he showed up here today unannounced," Rick said. Pause. "No, they don't," Rick said. Pause. "He's already called them. He left a message on their answering machine to say that he's safe, but he didn't say where he is," Rick said. Pause. "Okay, I'll get him to do that just as soon as you and I are finished," Rick said. Pause. "No, of course we don't mind having him here, but we want to do it legally," Rick said. Pause. "Okay. Either Kevin or I or both of us will talk to them," Rick said. Pause. "Babe, do you have anything tomorrow morning that you can't reschedule?" Rick asked me. "No, I'm fine. Does he want to come see us tomorrow?" I asked. "Yeah. Nine o'clock?" "Yeah, that's good," I said. "Tyrone, Kevin and I can both meet with you tomorrow morning at nine. I assumed you meant in our office, right?" Pause. "It's Sean Kelly, and he's fifteen. And, yes, he says he's gay," Rick said. Pause. "Okay. We'll see you tomorrow, then. Do you want Sean there, too?" Pause. "Okay. 'Bye, and thanks," Rick said before he hung up. "I take it he wants me to call my parents again," Sean said. "Yes, and he'd like for one of us to talk to them, too," Rick said. "Then he wants to meet with us tomorrow." "I dread talking to them," Sean said. "They're going to be furious." "I imagine they will be, but you can see their point of view, can't you?" I asked. "Yeah, but they're going to be furious because I dared to act on my own," he said. "I hope they let me stay here." "Do you think there's any chance they might?" I asked. "Well, they've threatened several times to send me to boarding school. I don't really see how this would be any different," Sean said. "I mean, it's not like they're all that crazy about having me around." Yikes, I thought. Poor kid. "Let's get the phone call over with," Rick said. "Dial your number, please, Sean." "Would you mind talking to them?" he asked. "Instead of me, I mean." "I'll talk to 'em," Rick said. Sean dialed the number and handed the phone to Rick quickly. "Hello. Mrs. Kelly?" Rick said. Pause. "This is Rick Mashburn in Emerald Beach, Florida, and I have your son, Sean, here in my house," Rick said. Pause. "Yes, ma'am, he's fine. I think he's worn out from his bus trip down, but he's in tip-top condition otherwise," Rick said. Pause. Rick went on to explain that we had already contacted the state people and that we had a meeting with the social worker in the morning at nine o'clock, Central Time. He said he was sure that Mr. Williams would want to talk to her and her husband by phone during that meeting. Pause. "No, ma'am. We won't put him back on a bus. My partner and I are experienced foster care providers, and we won't turn him over to anybody but you or law enforcement," Rick said. Pause. "Yes, we are a committed gay couple, and we've been together for over six years," Rick said. Pause. "Mrs. Kelly, you and your husband and Sean can work out Sean's sexuality in person later on, but I can assure you he's not too young to know that he's gay." Rick said. Sean did a silent "YES!!" when Rick said that. Pause. "Well, he is safe, and he'll be well taken care of here. There are other boys his age here, too, and they'll look out for him," Rick said. Pause. "We're happy to do it. The kids mean a great deal to Kevin and me . . . " Pause. "Well, thank you, and it's been nice talking to you, too," Rick said. Then they said goodbye. "Was she mad?" Sean asked. "She said she was relieved. She was glad you had called and left a message, and she was glad I had called. They haven't gone to the police yet, but I think they were ready to," Rick said. "Are they coming to get me?" Sean asked. "She asked me not to put you on a bus to send you home, so I assume they will," Rick said. "I'm sorry for all the inconvenience, guys," he said, and he started crying. "I hope I don't have to go back." Kyle was the closest one to him on the sofa, and he scooted over toward Sean. Kyle wrapped his arm around him. "Let it out, Bubba. We got you covered," Kyle said. I had rarely seen that group as down as we all were at that moment. Kyle held him for a long time, and Sean gradually got his emotions under control. "Bubba, you don't smell too good," Kyle said. Sean's response was laughter. "I know. I need a shower," he said. "And what's this shit all over this face?" Kyle asked, scraping his finger on Sean's cheek. "And shave," Sean said. The way he said that was cute, and we all chuckled. "Come on. We'll show you your room. Where's your stuff?" Kyle asked. "It's still in my car," I said. "I'll get it," Tim said. "Where are you going to put him?" Rick asked. "Third floor. That's the only place there is," Kyle said. "Oh, that's right," Rick said. "We've got a full house, haven't we?" "Yeah," I said. "Guys, I'm going to go on home. Somehow I feel responsible for all of this," Jeff said. "That's silly, Jeff. Unless you mean you feel responsible for bringing a new brother into our lives, in which case you should feel proud," I said. "Thanks for being so understanding," Jeff said. "I knew there was some reason I loved you guys." We chuckled. "Sean, it's been good getting to meet you in person. I might not see you again, if you leave tomorrow, but let's stay in touch, okay?" Jeff said. "Okay. Can I have a hug?" Sean asked. Jeff hugged him hard, and Sean teared up again. He didn't cry, though, and Jeff left for home. "Come on, Bubba," Kyle said. "Let's get you squared away with a shower."
Tim and I took Sean up to the third floor and went into the room with him. "This is nice," Sean said. "In fact, this whole place is nice. This room kind of reminds me of a hotel room, though." "It should. It's all hotel furniture. The towels will remind you of a hotel, too, 'cause they're hotel towels," I said. "But thick ones. Not those ones that are like tissues." "I guess when you're in the hotel business you can get stuff like that cheaper," Sean said. "That's exactly right, especially when you go through as many towels as we do around this place. We only get two a week each, but even that's a ton," I said. "And with the pool and all, some weeks we go through a hundred towels." "Who washes the clothes?" Sean asked. "We each wash our own. We have a maid that comes twice a week, but she just does the sheets and towels. She cleans up, too, of course. She comes on Tuesday and Friday. She washes half the sheets one day and half the other. She puts the clean sheets on our beds for us. When my parents still lived here, I used to take my clothes and Tim's clothes over there, and their maid washed them for us," I said. "Your parents don't live here?" he asked. "No. They moved to Destin, which is about thirty-five miles from here," I said. "My daddy works over there now. Just come on downstairs when you get your shower." "Kyle, would you mind waiting up here for me. I won't take long," he said. I thought that was odd, but I guess being in a strange house, and all, he felt kind of funny. "Okay. We'll wait for you," Tim said. He kicked his deck shoes off and pulled his shirt over his head. He took a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of his shorts and put it on the desk. "That's right. I forgot you smoke. I'll get you an ashtray," I said. "Thanks," he said. "There are two in our room, Babe," Tim said. "Get one of those." "Okay. I'll be right back." "You're not afraid of leaving Tim in here with me naked?" he asked. I knew he was joking. "Shit, no. He don't want what you got," I said, and he laughed. I went down and got him an ashtray out of our room. I didn't know there were two in there. He was in the shower when I got back up to his room. "He seems really nice, doesn't he?" Tim asked. "Yeah, he does. He's got some looks on him, too," I said. "You weren't supposed to notice that," Tim said. "Yeah, like you didn't, you little sex monkey, you," I said. Tim actually blushed a little bit when I said that. "What?" I said. "You haven't called me that in a long time, Babe. I've missed that," he said. "You're always going to be my little sex monkey," I said. "Is that what you're talking about, or are you talking about sex. Are you getting enough?" I hoped so, 'cause if he wasn't, I didn't know where anymore was going to come from. We might miss a day now and then, but that was rare. "I'm not even going to answer that," he said. "What about you? Are you getting enough?" "Do you see me walking around here with a hard-on?" I asked. "I see you with a hard-on all the time," he said. "I know, and you cause every damn one of 'em. I'm very well satisfied, Tim, and I think you know that." Then it dawned on me. "You're teasing me, aren't you, you little shit?" He grinned, and I knew that's exactly what he was doing. I couldn't resist. I grabbed him and kissed him right there. And of course, that's exactly when ole Sean walked in. I don't know how long we kissed or how long he watched us, but that dick of his was pumping up. "Sorry about that," Tim said. "Don't be. I think you guys are very cute," he said. "Thanks. Put your clothes on," I said. He was hard as a rock, just standing there in front of two total strangers, and I don't even think he realized it. When he saw it, though, he blushed. "We'll meet you downstairs," Tim said. "Okay," he said, and we left the room. "He was embarrassed," Tim said. "I know he was, but he wasn't making any moves to get dressed. He was just standing there looking at us. He didn't even realize he had a hard-on, I don't think," I said. "I don't think he realized it, either. At least we know he won't have a problem with skinny dipping if he stays here," Tim said. "Do you think he's in there spanking the monkey?" I asked. "I don't know. He's been on a bus for several days, though. He might be," Tim said. "True. I hadn't thought of that," I said. We were back in the den, and Justin and Brian were home by then. "Where's the new guy?" Justin asked. "He's coming, one way or the other," I said. Tim was the only one who could get that joke, and he near 'bout doubled over, he was laughing so hard. "What's so funny?" Justin asked. "It's a long story, Bubba. You had to be there," Tim said. "Well, that's a fine thing when my own brothers won't let me in on a joke," Justin said. "We'll tell you, but not right now. Give it a rest," I said. "Okay! Don't get mad at me, Kyle, 'cause I'll rip your nuts off, if you do," Justin said. "Yeah. Sure," I said back to him. "Don't start. Please," Brian said. "What's the matter, Little Buddy. You know we were just playing," Jus said. "I know, but I had a terrible day," he said. "What happened, Bri?" Kevin said. He said it real gentle and kind. "One of the dogs I've been working with got killed," he said. "Oh, Baby. I'm so sorry," Justin said. We all said the same thing. "How'd it happen?" Kevin asked. "She died of a snakebite. A water moccasin. Her owner lives on a canal in town, and she went into the canal. That's when she got bit. He didn't know what had happened. He heard her yelp, but he wasn't right where she was to see it. It didn't take very long for the venom to get to her," he said. "What kind of dog was it, Little Buddy?" Justin asked. "A black Lab," he said. And then he started to cry. "She was from the same litter as Krewe, and she was as cute as Krewe is. I loved her." He was sobbing. "When Mr. Mack told me about it, all I could think of was Krewe getting bitten by a fucking snake and dying like that." That boy was very upset. He called it a "fucking snake," and that was something Brian never said. "Come on. Let's go upstairs, Little Buddy," Justin said. "I'm sorry I got so emotional," Brian said. "Brian, you know what I'm thinking, don't you?" Rick asked. "If I can't get emotional here, where can I?" he asked. "That's right, son," Rick said. "Let your boy take care of you now." "Okay," Brian said, and they went upstairs. "That was rough," I said. "I'll bet he didn't cry in front of Mr. Mack," Tim said. "He's been holding that in all afternoon." Sean finally came down. He had on some really nice clothes, and I could tell that boy knew how to dress. It looked like he knew how to shop, too. "Feeling better?" Kevin asked. "Yeah. I almost went to sleep in the shower, standing up," he said. "You don't want to do that. You'll fall and bust your ass," I said. "When do Justin and Brian get home?" he asked. "They're home. They went upstairs. Brian was very upset about something that happened today," Kevin said. "What happened?" Sean asked. "One of the dogs he was training got bitten by a snake and died," Kevin said. "Oh, no," Sean said. "Speaking of dogs, where are your dogs?" "That's a good question," Rick said. "Where are they?" Brian had gotten the bright idea to put a doggie door in the back door of the house for them to come in and out, especially when we weren't home. Brian, Justin, and Rick had spent a whole day installing the damn thing, and it worked good after Brian taught them how to use it. I figured they were outside somewhere. "Kyle, go see if you can find them, would you please?" Rick said. "All right," I said. Just like I thought, they were out in the back yard playing. If I didn't know better, I would have thought they were playing tag or something. "Come on, girls. Y'all get in the house," I said. They were so happy to see me, you'd have thought I was Brian or something. That was the thing about those two. They were always glad to see you. They didn't lick anymore, and that was a good thing, but they would put that wet, slimy nose on you in a heartbeat. Nobody seemed to mind that but me, though. I rarely got down low enough around them so they could get to my face with those noses. With as many people in and out of our house all the time, you'd have thought they were used to strangers. Oh, no. They had to meet and greet every one of 'em. Sean was a new potential friend, and they had to go say hello to him. "Hi, guys," Sean said. He had this big-ass grin on his face, like he was loving every second of it. "They won't lick you," I said, "but watch out for the noses." "I don't mind that," he said. "I used to have one." "A black Lab?" Kevin asked. "A yellow Lab. They're the same, though," he said. "My mom told me one time that she had read that Labs were just about the most people-friendly dogs there are." "These two are members of the family," Rick said. Yeah, you say that now, I thought. That wasn't always your attitude. "We'd rather have them than Kevin and Rick," I said. "Especially Rick." "Do you guys have trouble getting along?" he asked. We all started laughing. "These two are identical twins separated at birth," Tim said. "Sometimes we call him Little Rick and him Big Kyle." "Rick, I've been thinking about that. I don't think I really like you all that much," I said. "Go to your room, Kyle," Rick said. "And do what?" I asked, trying to be kind of sexy. "Never mind. Forget it. Stay here," Rick said. Ole Sean caught on, and he laughed. "Let's go see the clubhouse and the pool. And the dock and the boat," I said. Krewe's ears perked up when she heard me say "boat." "You ain't going out. There's big snakes out there ready to get your ass," I said. I squeezed her haunches a little, and she liked that. "Kyle, please don't say that about snakes around Brian," Tim said. "Oh, my God! I can't believe I said it. I'm such a dumb shit sometimes. I scare myself," I said. Sean laughed. I could tell he was enjoying the hell out of being there. "Be careful, Kyle. Brian's pretty fragile right now," Rick said. "I know. I will never say s-n-a-k-e again in my life," I said. "Yes, you will, asshole," Justin said. He and Brian were back in the room. "Are you feeling better, Bubba?" Kevin asked Brian. "Yeah. Thanks, guys. You must be Sean. I'm Brian Mathews, and this is my partner, Justin Davis," he said. They all shook hands. "You guys are awesome," Sean said. He was looking at those two like he had snake on the mind, but not the kind that bit that dog. "We were just going out to look at stuff," I said. "Okay. Is anybody besides me hungry?" Justin asked. "We had a snack when we first got home," Rick said. "Get yourself something to eat." "What we got?" Justin asked. "Go look and see," I said. "There's some fried chicken in the refrigerator, and it's good." "Where'd it come from? Publix?" Justin asked. "No, I fried it this afternoon," I said. "For real?" he asked. "No, I didn't fry any chicken, and, yes, it came from Publix. Where does everything we eat come from?" I asked. "You could have fried a damn chicken, Kyle," he said. "Yeah, but we got a whole flock fried up in there," I said. "A flock?" "Yeah. Ain't that what they come in? Flocks?" I said. "You're thinking of a flock of sheep," Justin said. "They're mighty little sheep, if that's what they are," I said. "Get in there and get you some food, before I flock your ass." They all laughed. "Oh, that was a good one. You got me last on that one, for sure," Justin said. Justin and Brian went into the kitchen to get themselves some food. "We play a game called 'Got You Last,'" Tim started to tell Sean. "I know. I read about it in Jeff's blog," he said. "Do you guys read it?" "I know he writes something on the Internet, but I don't know where it is," I said. Justin and Brian came back in with big plates of fried chicken and some really good cucumber and tomato salad with feta cheese I had bought. They each had a coke and a biscuit, too. "Do y'all read the stuff Jeff writes on the Internet?" I asked Justin and Brian. "I knew he wrote stuff. I just look at the pictures, though," Justin said. "I've read some of it," Brian said. "He writes really well, and I think he really captures who we are." "Kyle, those are almost the exact words you used this afternoon when we were talking about Jeff's blog," Sean said. "I know, but I didn't say I read it. I've heard Brian say that before," I said. Sean got a kick out of that. "He can barely read," Justin said through a big mouthful of food. "That's not true. I can read. I just choose not to," I said. "Kyle, you read. You're misleading him," Tim said. "That's his Emerald Beach, 'I'm dumb, and I can prove it,' bullshit," Justin said. "Sean, I do read, but I really haven't read the blog yet," I said. "I've read most of it, Sean," Tim said. "So have I," Kevin and Rick both said. "I don't remember seeing any pictures in the blog," Sean said. "What pictures were you talking about, Justin?" "The ones on the family Web site," Jus said. "You probably don't know about that. You have to know the magic words to get into it." "No, I don't," Sean said. "Can I see it?" "Yeah, but later, okay?" I said. "Okay, but don't forget. I might not be here very long," he said. Nobody responded to that. "This was good, Kyle," Justin said. "I enjoyed my supper." "I enjoyed my supper, too, Kyle," Brian said. He gathered up the paper plates and silverware he and Brian had been using, and he took them to the back. "Why did you guys say that, Brian?" Sean asked. "Say what?" Brian asked. "That you enjoyed your supper," Sean said. "That's just what people do around here," I said. "Sean, it's something Kyle introduced us to. It's a way of thanking the person responsible for the meal. Kyle didn't cook that food, but he got it for us. They were just letting him know they appreciated his efforts," Kevin said. "I like that," Sean said. "Let's go look at the facilities before it gets pitch dark out there," I said. I've lived in real nice places all my life, but I didn't think there was a better, or more boy-friendly, place anywhere than that patio-pool-clubhouse-dock-boat. What else could you ask for? If you were into sports and working out, we had tons of that stuff. If you liked to watch TV or movies, or listen to music, we had some of the best equipment available to do that. We had the best computer and the fastest connection available. If you liked to play cards or board games, we had what you needed for that. We had more video games than anybody I knew, and if all you liked to do was sit and read, like a certain brother of mine did, we had some of the most comfortable furniture you could imagine. The pool was huge, and the patio was beautiful, thanks to the yard guys and Rick. The dock was a dock, but the boat was pretty damn nice. It had given all of us and our friends many, many hours of pleasure. I was so glad I had thought to name it after my brother. We were blessed, we were spoiled, and I knew it. But when I thought of all the guys who had had so much fun and so much fellowship and so much brotherhood at that place, it made me feel good. I knew Kevin and Rick were besides themselves with pride over what they were doing. As well they should be. I wasn't one to pray much, except like when we went to church. But that night, as we were poking around, I asked God to please let Sean stay with us, at least for a little while. I knew the key to the whole thing was Mr. Tyrone. I knew he knew what was going on in the lives of some very lucky boys on North Lagoon Drive, and I prayed that God would give him the words to say to Sean's parents so Sean could stay with us. "Do y'all want to swim?" I asked, after Sean had ooh-ed and aah-ed over the stuff. "I do," Justin said. "Where are Denny and Murray? And where the hell is Ken?" Justin asked. "Ken's still at work," Rick said. "We had a server go down in the gift shop in the Goodson Building, and he's working on getting that back on line." "Denny and Murray are both doing homework," Tim said. "What about you guys? Do you have homework?" Kevin asked Tim and Brian. "Nothing pressing," Brian said. "Me, either," Tim said. He knew those two were going to make straight A's, so there was no point in dogging 'em. I had a little reading to do, but I didn't have class until eleven the next day, and I'd do it in the morning. Or not. I figured Justin had already done his homework, if he had any. That was the way he was. "Let's get in the water," I said. Sean stripped right down in front of us, like he had been doing it all his life. He dove right in with the rest of us. "Let's play 'dick tag,' and Rick is 'it,'" I said. Sean even knew what that game was all about, and we had a hell of a time playing together that night. "Please, God, don't let Sean go away," I prayed silently, as Tim was turning out our light that night.
I had come out to my parents at the beginning of the summer after my freshman year, when I first started dating Jared. He was twenty-one years old, and he was going into his senior year of college at the University. Jared was out to everybody, and he said he hadn't suffered any bad repercussions from coming out. He encouraged me to tell my parents. I was an only child, and that basically sucked. My mom was thirty-nine when I was born, and my dad was forty-two. They had gotten married when they were in their twenties, and I was convinced I was an "accident." My mom was now fifty-five years old, and my dad was fifty-eight, and they didn't know what to do with a teenager. He was the dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at one of the best state universities in the country, and my mom was a professor of philosophy at the same school. They were very devoted to their careers, and, frankly, I basically got in the way. The dean of Arts and Sciences has a very prominent position in a small college town that has a huge major university and nothing else. Neither one of my parents was homophobic in the traditional sense, and they had many openly gay friends. My dad had to deal with issues associated with GLBT rights and programs all the time, and he always came out on the pro-GLBT side. So. My coming out was a piece of cake, right? No way. "No, you're not gay," my mother said right after I told them. She said that with the same conviction as she would have said, "No, you're not pregnant." "Mom, I'm gay. Every bit of me is gay," I said. "Sean, you can't possibly be gay. There is absolutely no history of homosexuality in our family on either side, so how could you be homosexual?" she asked. "Mom, I don't believe this," I said. "How do you know nobody in either family has ever been gay? Huh?" "Son, your mother's right. Recent studies of the genetic origins of homosexuality are pretty compelling," Dad said. "I don't care about genetics or any of that crap. I know how I feel, Dad," I said. "You know how you think you feel," he said. "Are you telling me that my feelings don't play a part here?" I asked. "No, of course they do, but your mother and I just don't think you're old enough to know how you feel," he said. "Dad, you and Mom have never once put down gays in my presence. Gay faculty and student couples have been in this house a million times. There have been editorials in the campus paper praising your attitude toward gays and lesbians. I don't get it," I said. "Sean, you're only fourteen," he said. "I'm fifteen, Dad, and in October I'm going to be sixteen," I said. "Yes, well, I'm afraid I need to cut this short. I've got an event tonight. We'll talk about this another time," he said. That was it. That was my grand "coming out." They didn't believe me. They didn't trust me to know how I felt, and they damn sure didn't have time to explore it with me. "Don't forget, I'm leaving tomorrow for that conference at Stanford," Mom said to my dad, as he pecked her on the cheek. "Oh, right, and I've got that wretched legislative testimony for the next week or more in Richmond," he said. That was the first I had heard of either thing. When I was little, they would buttonhole a graduate student to come and stay at our house to baby sit me when they were out of town, but they had stopped those arrangements when I had turned twelve. Now, they simply left me on my own. Often. I was basically a neglected child who had more money and more "things" than I knew what to do with. I lived in a great house. I had beautiful clothes. I knew I'd get a terrific car when I was old enough to drive. I got an allowance of $200 a week. I had everything I wanted but parents who would listen to me. Parents who cared. I lived in the lap of luxury, and I was miserable. "Did you tell your folks?" Jared asked me the next day. "Yeah, but they didn't believe me. There's no genetic record to indicate that I might be gay, so, therefore, I'm not," I said. "Jeeze, that's pretty extreme," he said. "I know," I said. * * * Jared was a really cool guy, but he wanted to hang out with guys his own age a lot of the time. I mean, I looked old for my age, but I was still only fifteen. The shit hit the fan the night the police raided a club Jared had taken me to. They took me in for underage drinking, and, of course, they called my parents in the middle of the night. It was, ironically, July Fourth, Independence Day. "Who is this boy you were with?" my father demanded when they got me home. "His name's Jared, and he's my boyfriend," I said. "We've been dating for a month." "Dating?" he asked, only he said it like we had been counterfeiting or murdering or scalding puppies. "Yes, Dad. Dating. Gay guys date, too, you know?" I said. "Don't use that tone of voice with me, Sean," he said. "I want you to stop seeing him immediately. He's much too old for you to have as a friend, as tonight's fiasco proves." I didn't respond. "Well, say something," he said. "Say what, Dad? He's my friend. I like him. We have fun together. Why should I stop dating him?" I asked. "You're impossible," he said. "Your mother and I both have very full days tomorrow. We'll talk about this another time. Go to bed. It's two o'clock in the morning." That was the way it was. Being gay was fine, for everybody but me. Having a boyfriend was fine, for everybody but me. Being an independent person was fine, for everybody but me. I discovered Jeff's blog toward the end of August. He had been writing it for several months, and I devoured his archives like a starving man would devour a banquet. I read about the guys in Emerald Beach, and I longed to be in that environment. Jeff was a good writer, and he painted word pictures of an incredibly happy gay family, who had a huge circle of gay and straight friends, all of whom loved, or at least accepted, one another. I knew I had to get down there to be a part of that. My father got a restraining order against Jared's seeing me right after the Fourth of July. Jared and I were friends. We had kissed some, and we had even jerked each other off a few times when the kissing had made us so hot we couldn't stand it, but we weren't in love. When my dad got that restraining order, Jared dropped me like a hot potato. He had to, or face police action. That was it. I knew I needed to be out of there. I wrote to Jeff saying I had botched a suicide attempt, but I really hadn't. I knew suicide was a red flag for gay men dealing with gay teenagers because of the high incidence of suicide among my age group. I was hoping Jeff, and the others in Emerald Beach, would want me to come there to keep me alive. I knew that was terribly manipulative, but I was pretty desperate. When I got there and met them, though, I was immediately sorry I had misrepresented myself. They didn't care if I had slit my wrists on the White House lawn. They didn't even mention it. They were much more sophisticated than I expected, and they were a good bit smarter, too. But most of all, they were incredibly nice and incredibly normal. And they took care of one another. I made a fool of myself with Kyle and Tim by getting an erection when I saw them kissing. They basically ignored that, even though I was mortified by it. Then I learned that Brian was upset because a dog he had been working with had died of a snakebite. They rallied behind Brian. That's what I wanted. A family who cared about one another, even though the one they cared about was just a kid. I went to bed that night a bundle of contradictions. On the one hand, I felt guilty for misleading them into thinking I had attempted suicide and needed them to keep me from killing myself. On the other hand, I felt as though I had come to the place where I was destined to be. I masturbated twice that night. Once after I had seen Kyle and Tim kissing, and again when I went to bed. I was thinking about Kyle and Justin naked in the pool, but I was also thinking about either, or both, or them in bed with me. The last thing I remember thinking before I went to sleep was how much I truly dreaded the next day. |